Our next mission is expected to include a complete cartographic survey of the Ibar asteroid field, previously only observed via long range subspace telescope. We ask members of the stellar cartography department to kindly refrain from naming individual asteroids after their superiors in an attempt to curry favour.
Be assured that the botany department does not assign nomenclature to flora lightly. This is particularly true of the Sigman venom fruit, despite its harmless apple-like appearance. We strongly caution crewmembers not to eat it on a dare, especially as the antitoxin has been found to be notoriously difficult to synthesize.
We are pleased to report that as of this moment, all recent incidents regarding errant programming of diet cards have been cleared up with no resulting medical complications. If you suspect your card has been tampered with, please notify sickbay so that a staff member can check it against your medical records. Discrepancies to watch out for include multiple listings of the same dish, non-comestible items such as antimatter, and celery-flavoured ice cream.
After the recent breakdown in our negotiations with the rock people of Terganib IV for rhemalyzite mining rights, the Starfleet Command Regulatory Board has voted unanimously to add the following amendment to landing party protocols; "upon beaming down or exiting a shuttlecraft on the surface of a planet never previously visited by their assigned ship, all members of landing parties are prohibited from shouting the word, 'First!'"
Our medical staff is pleased to report that every single member of the crew examined up until now has passed their physicals with flying colors. While a few stragglers remain unaccounted for, they are to be forewarned that the ship's internal sensors and surveillance equipment are also in fine working order, as are the transporters and force field generators. Any attempts to evade same will be met with a minimum of one week forced medical leave, during which a more in-depth evaluation will be carried out. 1
It would appear our young historical revisionist has learned nothing from his earlier mistakes. We deeply regret to inform him that, once again, he is in error, this time regarding the identity of the trisperite diffraction textile synthesizer. (However, we will allow that it is possible that one could mistake "Pilar Velez" for "Pieta Vasilyeva".) Word is that the forfeit this time will involve assisting the ship's records department in a statistical research study of settlement patterns among the outer colonies. We sincerely hope that he will acquit himself well in this as in all other duties. 2
Earlier requests seem to have done little to curb the recent influx of questions directed toward our first officer. He would like to inform readers that, contrary to popular thought, Vulcan ears do not function as antennae, nor do they illuminate upon detection of another telepathic mind. Any parties interested in attending an information night to clear up various common myths and misconceptions may make their interest known on a sign-up sheet in the life sciences department.
The captain would like to apologize for his sudden disappearance in the middle of last week's monthly meeting of the department heads. He further wishes to clarify that the incident was an alien abduction, not the result of a pre-arranged agreement between himself and the transporter chief on duty, as initially reported. During his brief absence, he was able to successfully negotiate several trade agreements between himself and his Corbomitian captors, set to take effect in seven hundred years, when they plan to make contact with the Federation once more. 3
Our communications chief is flattered by a recent campaign which would see the computer interface renamed in her honour. That being said, she respectfully requests that the motion be withdrawn, given the potential for confusion when addressing the system verbally, especially in her presence. This discussion is unlikely to be reopened, given that consultations with the statistical and genealogical records have determined the probability of Enterprise acquiring a crewman with the surname of "Computer" to be negligible. 4
Mess services is currently in the process of consulting with our forensics officer in order to determine the identity of the person(s) who are responsible for a rash of vandalism in the mess hall. All personnel are reminded to please limit all positive and negative feedback about co-workers and superiors to official crew evaluation reports, rather than employing cutlery as crude carving tools. The engineering department concurs that they have more important tasks to perform than removing declarations of undying devotion from the underside of dining chairs.
Starbase 25 has extended an invitation to the crews of all ships in this sector, including ours, to participate in a three-day athletic competition, to be held next week. Please note that your performance or lack of same in a given event will in no way have any bearing on your chances for advancement in the ranks.
Security is happy to report that its lost-and-found box has proven successful. Several owners have been reunited with their missing paraphernalia in recent days. Unfortunately, despite receiving multiple queries from various complainants, no progress has been made in locating either youth or dignity. All further such inquiries will be re-routed to the ship's counselor for further analysis.
Congratulations to our chief engineer, who has now broken the all-time Starfleet record for most requisition forms submitted by a single individual in one star year. When asked to comment on the honour, he is reported to have said that he would rather have received "the flamin' supplies I ordered nigh on nine months ago" than the commemorative plaque which the Statistical Division has awarded him.
1) Physical-dodgers: we will find you. And run every test we can think of, plus a few we invented! Mwah-ha-ha!
2) Not a real Trek thing or person. Wanted to invent a person and device to combat small-universe syndrome. I originally wanted it to be Emory Erickson (transporter inventor). I couldn't think of any canon female inventors, too early for Leah Brahms. Should've been Sato and the universal translator, maybe.
3) Yeah, right. I totally believe you, Jim! *snort* Note the name of the alien race he attributes his disappearance to! Small universe, but at least the term clues Trek fans in instantly that it's a lie.
4) So far, all mentions of Uhura are either benign (the missing earrings) or complimentary, or chiding on her part ("the communications department would like to remind you..."etc)