Summary: In an attempt to confront Aizen, Hinamori Momo's memory is stolen from her… Except her memories of Hitsugaya Toshiro. It's difficult not knowing who you are. "Shiro-chan, I can't remember… I don't know who I am, but I know that I must have loved you."
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Tite Kubo does.
Quick word from me: Many thanks to the reviewers. KnowledgeandImagination (aw, thanks, it sounds like I'm not alone in writing angst), kRyStAlt3aRz (wow, that was hard for me to spell/type, XD but I am really glad you liked it and reviewed), blackwitchkarma (yes, I have seen Tsubasa, but I seriously didn't take anything from that anime, actually, I was thinking there were so many fics about what if Hinamori forgot Hitsugaya, that I thought, hey, what if she forgot everything but Hitsugaya?), Kinaia (thank you again for the cheery review, it really gives me confidence about my writing), xMidnight-Spiritx (I hope you find this chapter even more interesting). I dedicate this to the readers and reviewers! Enjoy!
Memories of Shiro-chan
Chapter 3: Never, Never, Never
Hitsugaya paced back and forth outside of the 4th Division. He had so much on his mind now; so many questions. But nothing weighed heavier on his mind than his concern for the girl being treated just past those doors. Sure, he'd been forced to hand Momo over to Unohana and carry on with his own business, but that didn't mean that he had wanted to leave her side. He'd never admit it out loud but as he'd held her to him, hearing her cries of pain terrified him. If he was ever to admit to having a fear, it was seeing Hinamori in pain. And not being able to do anything to protect her from it. Without realizing it, his reiatsu was chilling the air around him, and Kotetsu Isane poked her head out from the doors. "Hitsugaya-taicho, please, it's growing cold in here. If you are having troubles with controlling yourself right now, we are going to have to ask you to leave. It is becoming difficult to treat our patients with the air so chilly."
Closing his eyes, he managed to bring it under control, and soon, the surroundings warmed up. "Gomen nasai, Isane-fukutaicho," he mumbled the apology.
"It's all right, this time. But Unohana-taicho is going to be upset if this keeps happening. Why don't you go and take a rest. Leave this to us."
He shook his head. "Hinamori is in there. I can't leave without knowing if she'll be all right."
Isane slipped out. "Well, I can't be certain of anything yet, Hitsugaya-taicho, but I can tell you that Hinamori-fukutaicho was sedated not too long ago. She seemed to be in quite a bit of pain, but I think that Unohana-taicho managed to get it under control for the time being. I'm not certain what will happen when she wakes up. I don't think that she is up for receiving visitors, so you might as well get some rest. You have been here for nearly four hours."
"I'm not tired," he insisted.
"Isane, you are needed inside," Unohana said, opening the door and stepping out. Once Isane had left, she turned to Hitsugaya. "You need to rest. Hinamori-fukutaicho is safe with us. Please, it will do her no good to know that you've been out here the entire night putting your own health at risk for her sake. Think of how she would feel."
"Will you notify me as soon as she is stable enough for a visitor?" Hitsugaya asked, finally giving in.
She nodded. "Certainly, Hitsugaya-taicho. I will send a hell butterfly over to your quarters when she awakens, regardless of the time, if you wish."
"Hai," the boy said, nodding. "I don't care what time." He rubbed at his eyes, and the older captain could see that he was indeed tired.
"Go get some sleep," she said, waving him off. "As it is you most likely only have a couple of hours before she awakens."
Nodding, the boy captain turned and wearily headed for his division.
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Grasping… Around and round she turned, searching the darkness. "Where am I?" She cried. "Please… someone please tell me where I am! Who I am!"
"Time is running out, for the both of us," spoke a shadowy figure who stood before her.
"Who are you?" The girl asked.
"I don't know. Who are you?" The figure was fading.
"Please wait!" She begged, racing forward, only to find nothing there but that same somewhat familiar sword. "Don't leave me here alone!"
The voice resonated within her mind. "You are not alone. I am you. You are me. But we are both lost from each other. We must find each other before it's too late. Before our time runs out."
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Captain Unohana frowned as she looked down at the girl on the bed. She seemed to be weakening. It was only slightly now, but eventually, if things kept this way, she would die. She wondered if it had to do with her missing memories. With those memories, did Aizen steal an important part of her soul? She had done all she could for the girl now. She would have to monitor Hinamori's condition very closely. She decided to send a hell butterfly down to the 10th Division. After all, she had promised, hadn't she? As for what she was going to say to the young captain, who would no doubt be showering her with questions, she was going to ask him to watch Hinamori as well. As the captain of Squad 4, she couldn't always be there to monitor just one person, so if she could assign Hinamori to Captain Hitsugaya's care for part of the time, and ask him to keep tabs on her, she would have an easier time keeping track of what was going on with the girl. And she decided that she wasn't going to say anything quite yet about Hinamori's weakening condition. It would just unnecessarily worry the boy more. He was already drowning in between his worry for his friend and trying to fit it into his life along with the enormous responsibility of being a captain. At such a young age, she feared that he would break under the stress. It isn't the right time to tell him yet. Hopefully, it won't come to that, and he will never have to know. Unohana was going to do her best to try and make sure that wouldn't happen, but she didn't truly know if it was going to have a positive outcome in the end. A chill in the air interrupted her thoughts and she tensed. "Didn't I tell you before that you have to control yourself around the patients?" She chided gently.
"Gomen nasai," responded Captain Hitsugaya. "You sent for me?"
The woman turned to face him. "You needn't worry so much, Hitsugaya-taicho. She is resting peacefully and is no longer in any pain. She should awaken soon, so I wanted to send for you, so you can be there when she wakes up."
He nodded appreciatively. "Arigato, Unohana-taicho."
"I have a favor to ask of you, Hitsugaya-taicho," she said suddenly.
"What is it?"
She beckoned him to follow her. "I would like for you to watch over Hinamori-fukutaicho in my absence. I can't always be there to watch over her, even when I must."
"Is it that serious?" He asked with a frown.
"Losing your memories is a very serious thing," she responded vaguely. "It's very hard on her, and so I need to check up on her from time to time."
They stopped in front of an area that had the curtains drawn around it. When Unohana pulled the curtains, revealing the girl, her childhood friend rushed over to her side. "Hinamori…"
"I'll leave this to you, Hitsugaya-taicho. I'm glad that we can both depend on you," Unohana said with a smile.
Now the worry about his friend put to rest for the moment, Hitsugaya thought about the emergency meeting that had been held. They had gathered around the Head of Research in the 12th Division, Mayuri, for his input on what had happened. According to him, from within Las Noches, Aizen's headquarters, there had been a tremendous rise in the reiatsu there, around the time that Hitsugaya, Ichigo, and the others had gone to rescue Hinamori. It had been steadily increasing, and then spiked once again just before those earthquakes shook the land where they had been camped out. There was even speculation that the phenomenon had to do with Hinamori herself. If it had something to do with her, he was going to find out what it was and make things right. There was no question about that. I will fix you, he silently promised. I swear it. He looked up as he heard her sigh. "Hinamori?" He asked.
"…hmm?" Slowly, her lashes parted, revealing her beautiful almond eyes.
"Hinamori?" He tried again.
She looked confused for a moment. "Hina…mori? Oh, that's me, isn't it…" She shook her head slightly. "Gomen nasai, Shiro-chan."
The boy grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it up to her bedside. "Baka, quit apologizing. It's all right. I'll be here no matter how many times you forget yourself, or everyone else."
The girl's eyes widened a bit. "Forget? But, I don't want to forget, Shiro-chan… I want to remember… everything!" Tears began to well up and spill down her cheeks. "It isn't fair. No matter how hard I try, I just can't!"
"That's why I'm here to help you, Hinamori," he reiterated. "I won't leave."
"But… but what if I forget you, too?!" She wailed.
A painful stab went through his heart at that thought, but he pushed it aside. "Then I'll still be here, just to help you remember. That's what friends are for. I would like to think that you would do the same if our places were reversed."
Then she did something that startled him. She sat up and reached for him, taking his hand and hugging it to her chest. "I don't want to forget you, Toshiro. Never, never, never! I'd rather die! Please, promise me, that if I ever do forget, kill me! Please!"
He pulled his hand away. "Momo… I could never… I would never… ever do something like that. Don't say that!"
"I couldn't live if I forgot you… Shiro-chan…"
"Baka, you won't forget. I won't let you. Don't worry about it, okay?"
Tears continued to spill, and it was obvious that his words weren't having the comforting effect that he'd intended. "I couldn't stand to forget you, too! Not you!"
Unable to take it anymore, he moved over to her side and pulled her sobbing form to his chest, allowing her to cry into his haori. "Momo, please don't cry," he whispered. "I'll help you. Just don't cry anymore."
"I-I'm sorry, Shiro-chan! I'm just so scared…" Suddenly she wasn't Hinamori Momo, the lieutenant of Squad 5 anymore. She was Bed Wetter Momo, his best friend who climbed into bed with him and cried into his arms after she'd had a terrifying dream. The girl who ate watermelon with him, and the little girl whom he'd always found himself protecting from everything; whether it be a swarm of hornets, a wild boar, or a couple of older boys pulling at her pigtails. The little girl who clung to him on nights where the wind howled and the sky lit up as if on fire. That was the girl that Hitsugaya Toshiro found himself holding at that moment.
He allowed a gentle smile to grace his lips as his aqua eyes gazed softly down at her. That was a look that no one else would see. No one but Momo. "It's okay. It will be okay," he whispered. "I'm here."
It was silent in the room for quite some time, with no sound but Momo's sobs, which eventually had died down to soft hiccups. She had cried all of the tears she could spare, but still clung to the fabric of his coat as if her life depended on it. Finally, she managed to whisper something to him. "Shiro-chan, I can't remember… I don't know who I am, but I know that I must have loved you." Her eyelids were drooping once again as she was falling unconscious. "Which is why it would kill me… if I were ever to forget you…"
His heart skipped a beat at those words. "…" He couldn't say anything. To hear something like that come from her. Hitsugaya found it hard to breathe. It took him several minutes to register that she was leaning fully on him, having fallen asleep in his embrace, her cheek against his shoulder, and her hand still tightly gripping his haori. Realizing what position they were in, he tried lifting her, and setting her back down on the bed, but he realized that she stubbornly still held on. Finally, he gave up and sat back down, and realizing how heavy his own eyelids were, he fought to stay awake.
His battle with sleep was eventually lost, and a while later Unohana reentered the room, smiling gently at the scene. Momo was sleeping there, hand pressed against the boy captain's chest, while Toshiro slept beside her. His arm was draped around her shoulders protectively. "I suppose that I am going to have to quarantine this room to make sure that everyone stays away for awhile," she said softly to herself. "Good night, you two."
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Toshiro stood there with a look of utter horror on his face. She could see him clearly, but the only other thing that she could discern from the scene is that there was a sword pointed at his throat. She could vaguely recall seeing that sword from somewhere. It had to have been recently that she'd seen that sword, but she couldn't tell from where. His expression was torn somewhere between shock, disbelief, pain, horror and at the last moment a seething anger. "So this was all your doing too?!" He shouted in fury. His expression changed once again back to pure terror, before everything went black.
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"Noooo!" Momo screamed and shot upright.
"Hinamori!" Toshiro was awake in an instant, having felt her jolt awake and hearing her scream. "What is it?!"
"Itai…" A sudden pain shot through her skull, and she collapsed against the boy. Closing her eyes until it subsided, she opened an eye, only to be met with a concerned teal gaze. "I'm all right," she murmured, pulling away slightly. A hand went up to her forehead. She chanced a glance at him, glad that she was able to open her eyes without the horrible pounding in her head.
"What happened?" He asked worriedly. "Do you need Unohana-taicho?" He was on his feet, and ready to bolt out the door.
She shook her head slowly, managing a small smile. "No, I'm just glad to see that you're not hurt. I had a horrible nightmare."
"A nightmare?"
Nodding, she scooted over to the edge of the bed and swung her legs over the side. "Yeah, so it's okay."
"What was your nightmare about?" Toshiro asked, frowning. He'd always hated it when she had nightmares. And this time, he wasn't liking the pain that she was obviously trying to hide from him. He moved over and sat down beside her once again.
"It was just a nightmare, right? So it's no big deal." Obviously Hinamori didn't want to discuss it.
But Hitsugaya pushed. "It'll help you feel better if you tell someone," he urged. What was wrong? She'd always told him of her dreams and nightmares. He couldn't remember a time when she hadn't volunteered the information.
"I-it was about you. It was pretty dumb. You looked really upset, and you had a sword pointed at your throat. Maybe you were getting attacked or something. You got really angry, then afraid again, and everything just stopped. Silly, huh?" She giggled nervously. "It wasn't even worth mentioning."
His fists clenched, and once again, the air around them started to drop in temperature. Why?! Why does she have to remember that? He screamed in his mind.
"Hitsugaya-kun?" Momo asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
His breathing came out in ragged gasps. He struggled to get in control once again. "Yes, I'm fine, Hinamori-fukutaicho."
"No, you're upset," she noted. "Does it have something to do with what I dreamt? Wait, is that a memory like my others were?"
He pulled away quickly and stood. "It's nothing that you need to be concerned about, Lieutenant."
"Hitsugaya-kun-"
"That's Hitsugaya-taicho to you!" His tone even made him flinch. He dared not to look at her face and see the hurt that he'd just inflicted.
"Please…" The tears were coming once again. "What did I do wrong?"
Not able to stand it anymore, he spun on his heel and walked briskly toward the door, an icy expression on his face. He opened the door and bumped into Unohana, who had come, no doubt sensing the rise in his reiatsu. "Take care of Hinamori-fukutaicho," he ordered coldly. Before she could give him a reply, he stormed out of the room.
The older woman regarded him for a moment at the doorway, before rushing to the aid of the crying girl. "There, there, Hinamori," she cooed. "It's all right."
"I-I don't understand what I did! Please, tell me what I did! I'll make it right! I never meant to make him so angry!" The distraught girl wept.
"He wasn't angry with you," Unohana said softly. Although I am going to have a talk with him. He can't be allowing his emotions to cloud his own judgment if he's going to be of any help to her. Becoming angry like this will not benefit Hinamori in any way, shape or form. She had specifically chosen Hitsugaya to help her with the very thought of his ability to remain calm. Perhaps she had given him too much credit. He was closely involved with the girl, after all, and very young. Much too young to be a captain in her opinion. Faced with the responsibilities of being a captain, plus taking care of someone who needs a lot of time and attention, and on top of all that being forced to come to terms with realizing that someone dear to you may never recover, I guess I can understand, and it was careless of me to think that he was mature enough to handle this. She shook her head. Normally, he puts on a stoic face and acts as if he can handle anything that comes his way. And he usually can. Her gaze saddened as she held the whimpering girl. But this time, it may be too much for him to bear.
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It didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered to him at all right now except getting away. He had to get out of there! Away from the girl whom he know he'd hurt. Away from the sympathetic glances that the captain of Squad 4 and her lieutenant were giving him. Away from that entire division. He finally slowed once he neared his own division. What have I done?
"Hitsugaya-taicho?" A young woman, an unranked member of his squad asked, approaching him. "Sir, is everything all right?"
The glare he gave her sent her stumbling back a few feet. "It's none of your business."
"H-hai. Gomen nasai." She wisely made herself scarce in an instant. The captain looked like he was about ready to impale her with Hyourinmaru, and she didn't want to take her chances.
Continuing on his way, he flung the doors to his division opened and entered his office, finding a drunken Matsumoto lying halfway on the couch, holding onto a bottle of sake. "Out." He pointed to the door.
"Taicho! I was up all night waiting for you." There was a slight slur to her words. "I was worried, so I made sure to stay up and wait for you. Where were you, with Hinamori-chan?" She smiled mischievously.
"Unless you plan on shutting up and finishing up that paperwork that you should have done in my absence," he started in a dangerously low tone, "it would be safest and wisest for you to leave this room now."
She sobered up immediately. "Taicho… What happened?" She approached him.
The room temperature dropped. "I just need to be alone for awhile."
Her arms tentatively reached forward and she pulled the boy close to her, such as a mother would do with her child. "Taicho, it isn't your fault. You've done all you can for Hinamori-chan. You are exhausted and you need rest."
"I can't do it," he whispered. "I can't do this. Hinamori is suffering and I… I hurt her, damn it! Instead of helping, I struck at her when she was weak! Why can't I ever seem to protect her when she needs me most?" He couldn't remember a time when he'd felt this lost. His eyes burned with threatening tears.
Then, Matsumoto Rangiku said something that he would never forget. "Taicho, you want so badly to grow up. You try so hard. But you are still just a child. None of us are perfect, and that is what you need to realize, in order to take those first steps into adulthood. You have to stop envisioning yourself as this flawless individual who can never make a mistake. If you make a mistake, fine. Accept it, learn from it and move on. Dwelling on it will not help you move forward." Her arms encircled him, and she stroked his back lightly. "You are so busy admonishing yourself for everything you believe you couldn't do for her, that you fail to look at everything you have done for her." She lowered her voice. "You try to be an adult, but by going about it that way, Taicho, you are the farthest thing from one."
Those words crushed him. Hearing the harsh reality spoken to him from Rangiku's lips made it that much more unbearable. Had he truly failed that much at everything? "What…" He couldn't even form a sentence anymore. A single tear trailed down his cheek as he shuddered involuntarily. What good am I?
After a brief silence, Matsumoto loosened her hold on the boy. She truly felt sorry for him, and part of her wanted to take back what she had said, but she had spoken the truth, and she knew that her captain was grateful for that. A true friend will speak the truth, even if it is painful to face. An even truer friend will help you face it as well, which is what Matsumoto fully intended to do. "Do you need a few moments, Taicho?" She asked quietly. She knew that he didn't like to display emotion and was probably beside himself right now.
Hitsugaya stiffened. "Hai. If that's possible," he managed to speak evenly.
His lieutenant nodded. "I will be outside if you need me."
"Take the rest of the day off," he replied. "There's paperwork that I need to do."
"Taicho?" Did she hear right? He was letting her off paperwork duty?
"It'll take my mind off things temporarily. Take it as an apology. Take it as gratitude. However you want to," he said dully. "However, you may want to get moving, because I might change my mind."
Rangiku didn't need to be told twice. "Arigato, Taicho." And she was out the door. But even as she walked down the hallway, farther away from her captain, her thoughts couldn't help but linger with him. She almost felt compelled to stay. Hesitating for a moment, she almost turned back, but stopped herself. Her captain had asked to be alone. He needed to be by himself for awhile. She wanted to go back into the office, but she knew that it would probably only irritate him. All Matsumoto could do now was trust in her captain's judgment. If he said he needed some space, then space she would give him. Please, Taicho, she silently begged him. Don't try to take everything on yourself anymore.
End of chapter 3.
Author's Note: I couldn't go one day without updating. I know this is going to be very depressing for awhile. Because I'm depressed this week. I won't be home all weekend and I will be off visiting people (my grouchy relatives). Well take care!-- Hallie