AN: Christian and Ana belong to E.L James, the train ride is ours.

Translated by thenewEmily

Chapter 2: Lies and neurosurgery

I know my eyes are swollen… it's just that it's been a long time since I am alone. I guess those little steps have filled my life almost till I sometimes forget the emptiness in the middle of my chest. His look is so smart; it reminds me of his father.

I never do it, but today I'll take the train for work. I have used Teddy's absence to run some errands and fix some things… my car being one of them. God I hate the train, but at least it gives me time to think… although I don't know if that's a good idea.

The cold surrounds me while I walk to the train station. The day is dark as usual, but this time the wind is extremely cruel with my frail and lanky body.

Today I found myself thinking about those difficult days, but happier in some way. I take a deep breath and in that moment the past engulfs me and fills me. That smell of winter when there was no heating, and I could just feel warm with Christian's embrace.

Stop now Ana. I hold myself while I buy the ticket. I check my reflection at the window station, and the years have definitely gone by, I can hardly recognize myself now. It is as if my mind got stuck with the version of me ten years ago. I'm older, tired, even though I'm still young… it's just that I have suffered too much. I tuck my books in my arms and try to remember why I decided to bring them today. I smile, sometimes is better to put my head in a book than in the past.

I don't remember my biological parents, but I have a feeling that they were good people; I don't feel that they owe me anything. The day I discovered they had die because of a car accident caused by a drug addict that was driving, my world got meaning. I stop feeling abandoned, and understanding and forgiveness filled my soul. I was also in that car, just a baby; it was a miracle that I survived. Actually it was because of my car seat and that I was wearing all the belts. That proved me that my parents loved me. That's why I've always been extra careful with Teddy's safety. I believed that loving someone is also worrying about that person's safety; even when he thinks I'm overreacting. I smile at that.

The train ride makes me uncomfortable. I check my pockets but there's nothing on them, just the train ticket and my taser gun, in case someone tries to attack me. I take a deep breath; I don't want to freak out in front of all these people. Relax Ana, be calm. Walking to the platform I stumble two times with my own feet, today I'm clumsier than ever. Maybe I should've taken a cab to the hospital, but no. I want to save every penny while Teddy's away. When he comes back we'll have a wonderful vacation, just the two of us. Thinking about my little one makes me happy. Yes, we'll have some great days, there's no doubt.

I'm waiting for the train of 8.15 am. The ride should take about 25 minutes and I'm supposed to be at the hospital at 9 am. The train stops and the doors open. I don't know why but I hesitate for a moment before going in and then I stumble another time almost dropping my Greenberg's Neurosurgery book on top of an innocent passenger's head. Luckily I grab it but no without screaming first:

"Watch out!" Then I quickly apologize. "I'm sorry, it slip"

"Don't worry," he answers dryly… but that voice, I know that voice.

Wow wow wow, stop Ana, it can be. I feel my legs shaking while I walk further on the train, but still trying to see him. Oh god, breathe Ana! It's impossible. He looks like him, but no, it can't be him. Christian? Well… to begin with… he looks sober, not like a devastated drug addict as Jack told me. He seems to stare at me. Maybe it was my face when I saw him. Please Ana, put yourself together.

No! I need to see him closer to know if it's really him. Maybe he is a good man on his way to work this morning, just like me and Jack has exaggerated. But how can I do it. God help me please, I need to know if he's Christian.

I smile to myself; god has always been good to me, even in the worst times. The woman sitting in front of him stands up to leave, so I stealthily take her seat. Thank you god! Once I'm seated I completely ignore him. I don't want him to think I'm crazy because maybe it isn't Christian, my Christian, my love… or maybe he is. He also seems interested in me. Play it cool Ana, come on, you've practiced indifference for years, now try to get the best of it after all that rehearsal.

I pretend to read my neurosurgery book, but my mind is far away from those words. I look up and our eyes meet for a second. Oh god it's him, and he has definitely recognized me. Breathe Ana, please breathe. I could never forget those eyes, older and more tired, just like mine, full of longing, yes, those grey eyes are his. What do I do now?

I feel a stab in my stomach and the tears fighting to fall from my eyes. Christian, my lost boy, his eyes are my Teddy's eyes, and he doesn't even know he exists. I look through the window trying to avoid his stare.

With my eyes fixed on my book, my mind goes to the day Christian arrived to the orphanage in Washington. I must have been 5 and he 8 or 9 years old. He was hurt all over; there was no doubt that he had been beat a lot. He was a dirty little boy. He didn't look his age and he didn't even speak. I have that memory ingrained in my mind. His sad look broke my heart and I was just 5 years old. It's the same look I've just saw, and my heart is broken all over again.

I was the little doctor of the place back then. Mrs. Grace had given me the medicine bag, and without thinking it twice I run for it. He had a nasty wound in his lip and another in his eyebrow. That poor child must have been beaten with so much rage. My acts in that moment were almost instinctual and I didn't think about the risks.

Once I was back I opened the medicine bag, took some cotton and soak it in alcohol. Then I reach the cotton to his face, but before I could touch him, he hit me and pushed me away. In hindsight maybe I should've left, I don't know. When you are a kid, your emotions are pure and unconditional. I didn't care about that blow. I stood up and went to him again. Then I told him:

"Hi, you are Christian right? I'm Anastasia and that's an ugly wound. You are going to stain the new clothes they're giving you, so you have to let me clean it, okay?" The boy being taller than me, nodded his head, and stood very still.

Sometime later I found out that his father had stabbed his mother to death and the kid had seen it all. The man was so high and drunk that he tried to bury him with his mother in the room they were living. But Christian resisted so his father beat him unceasingly. The neighbors heard it all and the police brought him to the orphanage.

I was just a little girl, but in that moment I was stronger than Christian, maybe even stronger than myself today. I cleaned his wounds. I cleaned his hands. And he didn't say anything. He just watched me with scared eyes… my Teddy's eyes.

And just as I'm remembering the man in front of me touches a scar over his lip, it's like he's reading my thoughts. There's no doubt that it's him, so now what do I do? He doesn't look like a desperate drug addict that will leave me in misery after selling all my stuff for drugs…or maybe he is. Maybe he's recovered… maybe. But it's been so many years. He'll never forgive me that I didn't tell him about Teddy. My heart feels tight and I am devastated.

I fidget in my seat and I'm conscious that he's watching my every move, just like when he arrived to the orphanage. Since the first day we were partners in silence. I never needed to say anything, he was my friend. Together we ran away to go to the zoo because I wanted to see the monkeys. I giggled… I had forgotten how mischievous and risky we were. Mrs. Grace punished us for a week without talking to each other. But she didn't know that we understood each other in silence. We didn't need words, just our looks… maybe that's why I know that those are his eyes.

I remember the first time we kissed. We were in the backyard at the orphanage; it was a cold night, as always. I was sad because Jack had told me some ugly things… but I don't remember what it was now. Christian arrived with a blanket and covered both of us. Without saying a word he kissed my tears and touched my face, and carefully brought his lips to mine. It was magical. I think it was then that I understood that Christian Grey was my whole universe, the boy I had known forever. My friend, my partner… my love. Thinking about that moment makes me blush. Oh no please, I have to put myself together! I take a deep breath but the air is full of his scent. I'm lost.

Ana you have to be cold and practical. You decided to pull that man out of your life because he was going to be a bad influence for Teddy. He's a drug addict Ana, a man unable to control himself. Now I sound like Jack, but it's true. When I walked away from Christian I did it knowing the risks, all of them, I can't back out now and risk my son's safety. How much longer for my station? I look at my watch distracted and feel his stare all over me. I thought I was over him, that I was immune to his eyes, but clearly I was wrong, probably that's why I erased him from my life.

Thank god there's not much longer. Just a few more minutes and this will be all a bad dream. I take another deep breath and turn the corner of my book's page, as if I had actually read something. Ok, it's almost over. Suddenly as a storm, the crudest words I've ever heard emerged trampled from his perfect mouth:

"Hi, do you remember me? I'm Christian; it's been so long,"

God, now I'm fucked. Focus Ana, focus. He's not your Christian anymore; he's a stranger man that will take your son away. Yes, Teddy, think about him, this will chrush him. Ok, he can't know about Teddy, at least not that it's his son. Do I want him back in my life? God, yes! No!, No, not now, not ver. So I just smile like I didn't understand; I've become a very good liar.

He doesn't give up and tries again: "I'm Christian, Christian Grey, from the orphanage? In Washington?"

It hurts so much to see the need in his eyes. The need of what? Me? The need of what we used to be? I don't know how to answer or what to tell him. I just know that I don't want him near us. It's been years trying to build myself up from scratches. Jack's been the only one with me, staying with me unconditionally, even in my worst time. No, it can happen.

I break the silence with a confuse sigh, he seems to breathe with me, just like he did when we love each other:

"I'm sorry mister but you mistook me for someone else."

I try to put a smile that doesn't reach my eyes and hiding my shaking hands, I open my book. I'm not going to be able to leave on the next station. I'll probably pass out.

I stupidly think that he's going to buy it… As if I didn't know this man in front of me… I probably know him better than anyone… and he tries again:

"Sorry, but aren't you Anastasia Steele?"

He's always been like this, head on, asking everything of me and giving himself wholly. I know I have to lie again. I don't know how I do it, but I pull strength from somewhere and say the cruelest words I've ever said :

"No mister, you clearly mistook me for someone else. If you'll excuse me I have to go back to my studies."

Trying to avoid the tears in my eyes, I look down at my books and can feel how the man in front of me crumbles, and how his heart breaks in million pieces once more. And again because of me.

I don't know how many stations have gone by, clearly I lost mine and I'm ready to get to the last one without moving. I wouldn't have been able to leave anyway. They pain has me paralyzed. Finally Christian gets up. What a magnificent view, even hurt and sad, he's still the most handsome man I've ever seen. I don't look at him anymore, I can't. Good bye Christian.