Dec. 1st

I don't know why I had been embarrassed by what I had said the other night, but I was, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was weird to think that I had kissed a teacher...

I felt my lips gently with my finger tips and sighed. Why couldn't I let it go? It was over... but was it really? I was so young... so easily scarred for life... so easily hurt... Why had he done it? It could have destroyed me! But it didn't. Weird.

I decided to stay behind after potions class to confront Prof. Snape. I stayed seated and directed my gaze away from his, but I couldn't help but notice he seemed almost happy. Not to the normal eye, of course. The sadness was gone, and I good inside because of it. But it wasn't so much the sense of accomplishment as something else... I wasn't sure what it was exactly, but I just felt good.

"Umm..." I wasn't sure what to say. I guess I hadn't really thought this through... "I guess I just want to know where we stand." There, that was a good start.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, last night you kissed me. That was weird." Okay, I've always read about this certain moment in books and such and knew for sure that I would do fine in that position. How sad is that? Not to mention that me thinking this only makes it more cheesy... "Sir, I just don't understand exactly what this is. If you are in the vulnerable position I believe you to be in, one mistake on my behalf could do terrible damage."

"There is nothing to understand. What is, is. That is all. Is that clear?"

"Good. I like when things are simple." I spoke with more certainty that I thought I had within me, though I wasn't sure I knew what I to do next, or what I meant for that matter. I acted purely on impulse as I made my way over to him. "I know it's wrong and all that, but..." I let my voice trail off, uncertain of what to say next. I finally gathered the courage and pressed my lips gently to his. I stepped back and waited. I wasn't sure that I had done the right thing. What if I had just made a fool of myself? What if I had just earned more detention?

I stood still. That's all I could do. As time ticked by, I waited.

"Please tell me it's that simple," I said finally, unable to take the silence for another second. "Oh God, I think I may cry a-" Trust me, being silenced by someone placing their lips on yours isn't all it's cut out to be...

I couldn't resist running my fingers through his curtain-like hair as he pulled me closer. It was like... silk. A dream. Life itself existed exclusively in Severus Snape's hair.

Beinga the pushy girl that I am, I allowed my lips to part slightly and traced his bottom lip with my tongue. Acess granted. Our tongues clashed, and I moaned. We broke apart for a few seconds for air, and I was pushed across the room. I hit the edge of something that kept me from moving any farther and dug into my lower back. I tried to catch my breath as he kissed up and down my neck. He suddenly flipped me over so that I was lying on the table. He bent over and whispered in my ear, "We should go eat."

"No. I wouldn't even be able to eat, anyway. Snogging my teacher - though pleasureable - has ruined my appetite," I managed to say.

"You've never had fantasies about an older man?"

"Well, that guy, Alan Rickman. I suppose he's pretty old."

"He's really not that old."

"Trust me, he's really old," I insisted. Prof. Snape just shook his head.

"Do you really want to do this?"

"Are you fucking kidding?" I looked up and nodded.

Dec. 2nd

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up and it was late. Really late. Thank God I had been sleeping in Prof. Snape's bed instead of on the table. I can't even imagine how stiff I would be. I sat up and looked around, but I couldn't see a thing.

"I guess I'll have to escort you back to your dorm."

"Yeah, I would probably get in trouble..." I couldn't even think straight. Everything seemed like a dream. I guessed that I was still half asleep.

Dec. 17th

I was happy to be called to see Prof. Snape. We hadn't really talked in a while. But I knew that it would be a goodbye, as I left for the holidays the next day. I went as quickly as I could I will admit I was excited yet anxious, and a little sad, all at once.

I heard a scream, but I knew it was only in my head. It happened a lot. I saw things that weren't even there. I always felt cold, no matter what. It was a terrible feeling, and I sometimes managed to forget about it for a second or so.

"So I guess you leave tomorrow." He sounded almost... sad.

"Severus... I..."

"Don't say anything," I muttered. Prof. Snape stood up and inspected me.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I've always felt... cold. But lately, I see and hear things that aren't real."

"Like what? What do you see?"

"I see death. Blood. Despair. And..." I hesitated. "He Who Must Not Named. But it's nothing. Really. Insanity is my best friend." Prof. Snape stared off in the distance.

"You're troubled by it in the least?"

"No, I'm fine. I just thought I'd let you know." I looked up and waited for him to say something. Anything. Instead, he just wrapped me in his arms. "Severus... I can't feel any warmth." I closed my eyes tightly. "I may be forever cold, but I still love you."

"I thought I told you not to say anything stupid."

Dec. 18

I looked around at all the people leaving today. All these people who would go home, away from all their friends to stay with their real family for two whole weeks. Of course I was one of them. I saw some people saying goodbye to their boyfriend or girlfriend who we're staying, making kissy faces.

"I think I may vomit." Prof. Snape quickly passed by, making me jump. I laughed, knowing it'd be the last thing he said to me before I left.

Dec. 19

I laid awake in bed. I couldn't help but worry about Severus. I hated to think that he was sad.

My mother walked in and sighed. "Aurianna, it's late."

"I just can't sleep."

"Why?"

"I'm thinking. About stuff."

"You're friends?"

"I don't really hang out with my friends that much," I said. I instantly regretted it, knowing she would ask about everything.

"Why not? Did something happen?" I remained silent. "Is it because of a boy?"

"Mother-mine, you know I don't think like to wonder on such a subject. I'm not like some sort of machine. My mind doesn't linger upon the simple subject of guys... like how I can't help but detest pink."

"Why do talk like that?"

"Like what, mother dearest?" My mom just shook her head.

"But really: is there any boys you might be interested in," she asked me. I just stared at her, so she decided to move on. "What have you been doing lately?"

"Nothing."

"What do you like best about school."

"Potions. I find it really easy... almost fun."

"Is professor Snape still your favorite teacher?"

"Yeah..."

"I knew him in school. He always seemed a little strange... I didn't like him much. He tended to retreat to himself a lot. He didn't really have any friends, either. He was a pretty weird kid, I will admit."

"Maybe if all of you hadn't tormented him so, he would be fine! Especially that jackass James Potter. He nearly ruined his life. I mean, after being tortured mercilessly for years, of course he retreated to himself! Not to mention he stole the women he was infinitely in love with. The sadness in his eyes makes me wan to cry! I swear to God if I meet James Potter in the afterlife, he'll be taking a nice trip to the after-afterlife! First, I'll smack him with a nice, solid brick, then stab him repeatedly with a butter knife, and to finish off, I'll carve out his heart with a wooden spoon!"

"Whoa, hey. Calm down."

"Sorry, it just makes me so mad."

"How do you know about Lily, anyway? And about the torturing thing?"

"Umm... I... I'm really tired. I think I would like to sleep now." Mother-mine looked at me suspiciously, but decided it best to just leave.

Dec. 24th

My parents had gone to do some last minute shopping and left me home alone. As soon as they had pulled out of driveway, I let out a scream of pain. I collapsed onto my knees and let the tears flow freely. I hated this... acting. I hated pretending I wasn't in love with Severus... pretending pretending my brother wasn't dead... pretending I could control myself... pretending I was perfectly sane... pretending I was happy... It was pure torture. I couldn't feel anything. My body was numb.

I continued to scream as I rolled around on the cold, hard floor. I felt tears running down my face. I didn't bother to fight them. This was my time to let it all go, all that unbareable anger and pain.

I crawled to the the kitchen counter and hauled myself up, just managing to grab a knife. I fell to the floor and dragged it along my arm. Bitting down harder and harder on my bottom lip, I cut down deeper and deeper into my left arm. Tears rolled down my face, and I screamed loudly. I moved the knife down my arm, ready to start again.

"Aurianna, please stop..." The faint voice made me jump. I dropped the bloody knife, and managed to stop screaming. I began panting heavily.

"Wha..?" I searched the room frantically. No one had ever seen me like this, and I didn't want any one to have to.

"Whatever you're doing in there, please stop..." I stood up slowly and ran to the door. I opened it up, and my jaw dropped.

"Severus... umm..."

"What have you done!?" I looked at the bloody mess of my wrist was in laughed nervously.

"You know, I was making myself a nice snack and a knife fell out of the cupboard," I lied. "You know, a really big one... And when I tried to take it out, I dropped it back in again. And few more times after that. Then I accidentally stabbed it right in there!"

"Come with me so I can fix it up," he said.

"I'll have to leave a note for my parents in case the come back early, or something like that."

"Hurry up. I'll find something to bandage your wrist up for now. And clean up that awful mess on the floor."

"Why were at my house, Severus?" I couldn't help asking. He slowly removed the old ripped up shirt from my arm.

"This'll hurt a little." sprinkled something on the cut, making it sting.

"Nice place you've got here..." We sat in a dark room, and many interesting little trinkets lined the walls. I was respectably clean, and delightfully cold. "Oww... what are you-"

"Oh, stop complaining!" he shouted. He examined my arm and sighed. "What's this?"

"What?"

"What do you mean what? You know what I'm talking about!"

"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about." And that was the truth. Promise.

"You've carved a bloody 'S' in your wrist!"

"Oh... That's what you meant. Will it heal?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. Why did you do it?"

"It's not just because of you... It's mainly for my late little brother. My family and I were in a car crash a few years ago. My parents and I survived. My brother didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't worry! It's fine!" I plastered a fake smile on my face, and laughed.

"Aurianna... go! Please... I'll see you in heaven. I'll look out for you. Promise!"

I shook my head violently as his voice filled my head.

"The car went right off a cliff. He didn't get out. They found his body at bottom. I remember all the news articles, all the picture of the car... the car with the body of a dead boy in the back seat..." I watched as the boy I knew as he walked inside and stood in the corner, head snapped back like Nearly Headless Nick, but I knew it was only my imagination. Blood spirited from the scrapes on his little body. "I've never felt... sure of anything since then. My parents aren't seen without a smile anymore, though." As time ticked on, my dead brother failed to disappear. "Now I can see him standing in the corner. I can't stand it anymore! Why won't my stupid hallucinations stop?"

"You've lost so much damn blood, that's why!"

"I guess I should go home... to rest a little."

"Fine, but I'm never going to leave you by yourself. I just don't trust you."

"You house is so... bright."

"I know, honestly, though, sunlight hurts my eyes. I spend all my time in my room. I write, read and draw. That's what I do all day long," I sighed. "I need to find something better to waste my time on."

"What's this?" he inspected a sort of blanket draped on the couch.

"I crochet a lot, too. I choose dark colors in attempt to level out the room." What? I'm proud of my crocheting skills! "I'm gonna head upstairs. Don't feel so good." I quickly ran upstairs and looked around. Damn, were are you, you stupid cat! I don't want you walking on me while I'm trying to sleep... I gave up and went into my room to lie down. Of course. There was there was cat. I didn't want to wake him, so I got into bed on the left side. I liked the other side better, the pillows were softer...

I screamed loudly, sitting up in bed. I couldn't remember what had happened.

"You were only asleep for a few minutes..."

"I know... Wait..." Looked up and noticed that Severus had taken the place of my cat. He laid on his back staring at the ceiling. "When did you get there?"

"After you fell asleep. Aren't those The Beatles?" I turned on to my back and looked up.

"Yeah... I like John... But he died around the time I was born. I like Paul best." I smiled. "Actually, he was my inspiration for learning the piano."

"You can play the piano?"

"Not really. I started learning last summer, so I haven't gotten much practice," I sighed. "It's true, though..."

"What?"

"All you need is love. It's one of the best songs of all time. And it's message is as clear as it is true."

"Who's that there?" I looked at the poster that he was pointing at that depicted a man with extremely curly hair in a half-zippered black jacket and black pants in mid-moonwalk.

"Have you never heard of Michael Jackson?" I asked.

"No." I stared at him disbelief.

"Oh. My. God. You-" I stopped and decided to let it go. "Wow, it's actually pretty late..."

"You should sleep."

"Okay, but my parents will be back soon. You'll have to watch out." I flipped over onto my side. I felt him wrap his arms around me cautiously, trying not to touch my poor wrist.

Dec. 25th

I got a few... interesting things for Christmas. And guess what? No ugly sweaters! Of course the best gift I got was the company I got yesterday from Severus. I only wish that I could see him today. I hope I'd be left alone before the break ends so that he would come see me again.

Dec. 31

I sat in bed on New Years Eve. I couldn't help but think about what Severus was doing. It was about 10:00, and my parents had left for a party a little while ago. I hated to think that he had to stay at Hogwarts.... I myself hated having to leave the house.

"I know good things will come in the new year," I muttered to myself. "I just have a feeling..."