She watched as Lauren walked back into the room, carrying two glasses of red wine. She watched as Lauren set one glass down in front of her on the coffee table and sat the other one down nearby. She saw as Lauren sit down next to her on the couch. Bo glanced over at Lauren an eyebrow raised. Well, at least it wasn't the chair across from her this time, although that certainly would have made this conversation easier.
"Bo… I, about you brought up earlier." She heard Lauren sigh. "Being a doctor I know that I'm not enough for you." She saw a frown cross Lauren face, her eyes starting to glaze over with tears. "You asked how I felt as your partner when you had to go to someone else to feed. I can't even begin to describe…. " She heard Lauren take a breath, her voice starting to crack a little. "Jealousy, anger. Although who I'm angry at I don't know. Am I angry at myself because I can't provide for one of your most basic needs like I should be able to? Am I angry at you because you have to feed outside our relationship? Or am I angry with the world because this world made you a succubus, which means that you can never be only mine, like you should be?"
Bo wished in that moment that she could reach out and hold Lauren, but right now she didn't have the means or the right. If Lauren wanted contact she had to be the one to initiate it. She wished that they had talked about this a long time ago, so the feelings hadn't built up, she wished that Lauren could be enough for all of her needs, that she could feed solely from her and be happy and thrive, but she couldn't. She couldn't because Lauren was human… but she meant so much more. Bo shook her head a little to clear her thoughts, right now they needed to talk.
"I don't know Bo. You were hurt and you needed to heal. I need you to be healthy and safe. So how I feel, how I felt. It had to become irrelevant, secondary to your needs. You needed to feed to stay healthy, and with the Dawning and the injections not working… there was no alternative. You needed to be healthy, you needed to be at your best. Using only me, I would never be enough. I never can be enough. I hate that I have to share you. I hate that others see you in the most intimate ways… they see things that only I should see, only I should have the privilege of seeing. I love you, and every time you came back. I felt like I had to touch you… to make you mine again. I kept telling myself that I should not feel that way, I should not feel so possessive. I knew what you were from the beginning yet I ignored it, we never had a conversation about what would happen if you were seriously injured and needed to heal."
Bo could hear Lauren take a deep shuddering breath. "In the beginning you came back battered and bruised, but those were things I could help with… I was enough for that. It felt good, to be able to provide for your needs, even the ones that were related to your Fae nature. I felt like I was enough. Do you know how happy the fact that you wanted to be monogamous made me? The fact that you only wanted me?" She heard a tearful laugh from Lauren. "But then you had an accident and started to bleed internally and you… I think what hurt more then the fact that you slept with Dyson was that you lied and said you were okay. You didn't trust me… you didn't trust me as your doctor to help you… but more importantly you didn't trust me as your partner. Healing you? That comes with the territory and being a succubus' partner. I knew that when we started dating. If you had told me I could have done something… but you didn't. Instead you sleep with Dyson!"
Bo sighed and gently brought her hand up to play with a few strands of Lauren's hair, only to stop herself a few moments later. She felt Lauren turn her head towards her burying her head in Bo's shoulder. A pathetic sob escaped from someone, she honestly couldn't tell. Bo brought a hand up and ran it through Lauren's hair for a moment, taking a deep breath, trying to keep the tears out of her voice, despite the fact she could feel the wet trails running down her cheeks.
"I can't even begin to apologize for that. I can't even begin to apologize for sleeping with Dyson to heal instead of taking the ambulance he offered. I can't even begin with I wish I had told you, because it's pointless now. I wish I wasn't so naïve about relationships. I wish that I had realized sooner that I don't need to protect you. I wish I had taken the ambulance that day… but I… for some reason I didn't. And for that I am so sorry. I am so sorry for breaking your heart that day. I'm sorry that I made you feel this way, I'm sorry I didn't ask you about how you felt about my feedings sooner. That was stupid and neglectful of me, I should have asked you. I shouldn't have assumed you were okay with it! You said that as my doctor you knew that you would never be enough, but until now, until now I had no idea how you felt as my partner. Oh God Lauren, how did you keep that inside?"
"I didn't want you to see yourself as a monster. I didn't want to unload another burden on you when we found out about the Dawning so soon afterwards. When I tried to be supportive… I don't even know why. I didn't want you to think that you were inadequate… but…"
"I started to ignore and neglect you pretty soon as I started to feed off of others. I became less and less like a girlfriend, and then as other things started to pile on you went from first priority to last, I focused on myself more then I should have, ignored you instead of paying attention to you and attempting to be there for you. It was tough for you as well going through everything and being kept out of the loop certainty didn't help."
"In return I pulled away and buried myself in work, trying to come up with something that could help you, that could help slow down the effects of the Dawning. You know I was originally trying to modify your formula? See if I could do something to curb your appetite so that you wouldn't have to feed off of others as much… It was selfish, and still is, but I want to be the one you turn to. I don't want you to be feeding off of strangers."
Bo took a small breath trying to compose herself. They were talking about one thing and they were already both sobbing messes. But tears were better then anger, and anger was better then feeling nothing. It at least meant that they were both invested in this. God why couldn't they have had this conversation at the start? Because it would have required her approaching Lauren about it because old Lauren would never have said anything. But she had been so caught up in her own shit that she had ignored Lauren. Another tick in the shitty girlfriend box.
"Lauren… did you make any progress with that formula? The changes to the one that I used to get? Not the one to stop my cells from degrading, but to help with my appetite?"
"I was making some progress but… once we found out your cells were degrading I focused on that. Why? Bo are you having control issues again?" Lauren asked as she lifted her head from where it had been resting on her shoulder.
Bo sighed and allowed her head to fall back onto the couch. This was an insane idea… but right now it was the only solution that she could come up with. "No my control's fine. Actually after the Dawning it got much better… so has my appetite actually. I'm less hungry now, less frequently then I was before, even with the injections. I still need to feed, particularly if I need a power boost, but my actual need for sex has gone down." For now I'm using it as a distraction and a channel for my anger. That needed to stop; talking and doing constructive things were better channels then sex. Bo sighed, even if for the most part sex involved few intimacies when she fed she could understand where Lauren was coming from.
The idea of sharing Lauren, it hurt, it stung. The idea of someone else seeing her like that… it made her angry. But was it really okay for her to think that way when she'd essentially had a free pass to sleep with anyone? No… it was a hypocritical double standard. Bo heard a small sigh from next to her. She glanced over at Lauren's tear stained face, sure that her own must match. Bo gave her a slightly watery smile.
"I thought of an idea that may solve the sexual monogamy issue. What you just said… if we were to go back into a relationship where I was not monogamous? It sounds like it would... I… can't even begin to think of what you went through, all those thoughts and feelings bottled up and pushed down." Bo sighed. "I thought that maybe because my appetite was better and my Dawning was over that I may be able to start the shoots to curb my appetite again. But this time it wouldn't be to help my control, it would be so I wouldn't have to feed as much or as frequently. I would still need to feed, but I can feed without sex. The Chi is less potent, but it's still enough to satisfy me most of the time. We would need to have sex on a regular basis, but if I can channel my libido into you… it should work. I just have to be more careful about how I fight, maybe actually get some proper training."
She saw Lauren blink, staring at her. There was an expression on her face that Bo couldn't quite place. Finally she heard Lauren sigh. "I don't… Bo… what your proposing is insane. It could pose a severe risk to your health, it could… I don't even know where to begin. But on some aspects, that may be right. I told you that I had to be okay with you feeding off of others for a reason. I know I will never be enough to sustain you. I also said that I never wanted to know about your feedings. But I think I was trying to convince myself to be okay with it as much as you needed to be okay with it. And the fact is, that despite everything, despite knowing what you are. I'm not okay with you feeding off of others. I cannot control my emotional reactions and despite there being a huge gap between what I think and what I feel. The pains are not worth it in some ways. So let's say we try your plan… let's say it works. What then? What happens when you get to injured for just me? What happens when you start getting severely injured, and you need to have sex to heal? What then?"
Bo sighed. She hadn't gotten that far in her head. She had been thinking of regular feeds, when she got hungry, not when she was so injured she needed to have sex to heal. "Ambulance, Chi-suck others enough to heal myself so that I'm not going to bleed out and die, something along those lines. The rest heals normally, cuts and bruises fade. I still heal faster then most humans." Bo sighed. "But if I do need to heal then we talk about it, I have to come to you and I have to trust you." She smiled a little. "But I also have to try and be more careful in general. I don't think twice about getting injured because I can heal, but if I keep thinking like that, it could actually be what ends of killing me. I know I'm reckless and I don't think before I act, I don't think that will ever change really, but what I can do is try and be more aware of the world around me. Some of the injuries I get can be prevented. "
Bo shook her head a little before reaching out to play with a strand of Lauren's hair, once again stopping herself, Bo sighed a little internally, some habits were hard to break. "And we talk, and we talk some more about my healing and how you want it to work. You know more about it then I do in all honesty. We also talk about my feedings, and we talk about what works for us and what doesn't. But Lauren? I really want to try and be monogamous before we consider feeding outside of the relationship. I don't want it to be what breaks us apart. I don't want you to feel like that again, it sounds awful." It was completely her fault to, she had never asked Lauren how she had felt about the feedings, just like she had never asked about anything else.
She felt a hand come to rest on her check, directing her gaze from where it had slipped into her lap to Lauren face. There was a small smile on it. That made Bo beam a little. "A succubus who wants to be monogamous. Who would have thought the day had come." She saw Lauren smile a little more. "I think… I'm okay with the idea, as long as we monitor your health very, very closely. I can't take sharing you, and really this is the only idea that I could see working. You still have to feed off of others, and I still don't like the idea, it still makes me feel inadequate. But at least I know that you're willing to try. At least I know that I'm the one your really want. But your right, this time we communicate, you tell me if your getting weak, you tell me if your seriously injured. There's no negotiating that Bo. If I find out you're not telling me when your hurt, or when your seriously injured. I will get mad, and I will not forgive you. And if so help me you sleep with Dyson again… the consequences will not be pretty."
Bo sighed a little. Sleeping with Dyson. That would have to be the segue to the next conversation. Dyson. A thorny topic, although hopefully one that was gone from Lauren's mind. But she also had to tell Lauren that she had slept with him again. She would have to… if she didn't and it got out later that she did, it would not end well. And really there was no point in lying to Lauren about it, she did not want them getting back together on dishonesty, even if it was a lie by omission. Bo sighed, honesty and communication. Two secrets to making their relationship work. Honesty, another one that needed to be added to the list, second under communication. She needed to tell Lauren. Even if she got mad, at least they had made a little progress today.
"Speaking of Dyson. Oh god this is going to be a terrible segue. I have to tell you something Lauren… I slept with Dyson again, quite a few times actually." Bo looked over and saw Lauren tense. "I was hurt that you never said good-bye. I was angry and sad that we hadn't heard from you, I was worried. But most of all I missed you. I tried to distract myself with sex, I've slept with so many people, more then usual, in an attempt to try and feel, something. But Dyson was the worst, that was part of the conversation we had last night. I had to apologize for using him to try and forget."
"So you used Dyson, huh? You slept with him again?" Lauren's tone was angry. Bo couldn't blame her.
"Yes. Yes I did. And I'm so sorry. I don't know why I keep doing it; I don't know why I keep defaulting to Dyson. Oh god I am so sorry Lauren. It's over now. I meant it when I said I chose you. I really truly meant it." This would have come out eventually, better now, then she finds out later. Bo sighed a little. She looked over at Lauren, who seemed to have a mixture… Bo recognized the look. It was from when she told Lauren she had slept with Dyson to heal. That mixture of sadness and anger. Bo sighed, she wished there had been a better lead in… a better way to describe it, but there wasn't. And there was no point in hiding it, she needed to be truthful and communicate with Lauren. Even if it hurt both of them to bring up.
She eventually heard Lauren sigh. "I don't know what to think anymore Bo… you and Dyson. Every time you seem to choose me, you always bounce back to him. I know that you said this time, you finally made a choice, and you chose me. You have no idea how happy that makes me. How relieved I am that you finally made one. But you slept with him again Bo…" There was a pause as Lauren seemed to gather her thoughts. "I can't be mad at you, we're on break."
Break! Break! They were… so there was a chance after all. They weren't broken up! No, they were on break for a reason. Her stupidity, her selfishness, all the mistakes and miscommunications. So many things that went wrong… Bo sighed. This was the first step in a long process. A long, long process. Get everything out, communicate and talk. For now, let Lauren vent. God knows how much she kept inside about you and Dyson. Stupid… stupid. Why didn't you just make the choice when you actually made it! Argh.
"But still… I'm angry that of all people you slept with him again. For years he was someone I had to compete with, someone I was afraid to lose you to. And then, you tell me that 'It's time'. Do you know how hard I found it to believe that you were actually asking me to be in a relationship? That you had chosen me? The human doctor? Do you know how happy I was that day? Do you know what ran through my head that day? 'Is this real? Is this really real? I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. I got the girl. I, Lauren Lewis, finally got the girl.'" She heard a tearful laugh. Tears, again. Oh please no. I am such a stupid, selfish person. Bo felt eyes starting to cloud over again, why was it when one of them started crying so did the other?
"And for a little while? I had the girl. You were my girl. As juvenile as it sounds that how I thought of you. My girl, my girlfriend, my partner. Do you know how good it felt to call you that? It was amazing, and hard at times, but still. Those were some of the happiest times I've had in years, and my happiest time in servitude to the Fae. It wasn't perfect, but what is? You were mine and I was yours. I suddenly felt free again. Something I hadn't felt in years, I felt free. It wasn't true freedom, but in that gilded cage, I finally had something that I had chosen, something that I had some control over. And to have that control back? That was the amazing feeling." She could see a smile on Lauren's face, a genuine happy smile as she recalled the memories. How? How could she have been so stupid? Lauren had been more relaxed and more carefree in the early part of their relationship then she had ever seen her. How could she have been so stupid! She lost this. She had never known this.
But it was close to how she felt. Finally having Lauren? Finally having her heart? Being able to hold it without competition, without worry? It had been one of the most amazing feelings. But the heart she had been trusted with hadn't been treated well, it was a little broken, a little damaged, but still beating, still full of life. It was amazing, and it had felt so right. Then she had slowly started to break that heart, to pull away tiny pieces of it. Instead of helping it heal, and helping it's owner heal. She had broken it, unintentionally, but still broken it. Thoughtless actions, ignorance, and ignoring, little things she had forgotten to do. How's your day? How are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you want to go out on a date? Can we take a bath together? Little things she had forgotten to do. Things that didn't revolve around sex, just intimacy and talking. A date night, quiet moments, taking the time to ask Lauren how she was doing, if she was okay. Communication, communication. Always their problem, communication was always their problem.
The bigger things she had already acknowledged. The lying, the cheating, the hurting. But those little actions that could of made a big difference, she'd never even thought of them. And then all of the shit with Dyson. That was her fault, for not setting him right. For allowing the triangle to drag long past it's expiration date. For never telling both of the people who loved her, whom she loved in return, the person she chose, when she chose her. Allowing Dyson a chance to move on, and her and Lauren a chance to be happy without the specter of Dyson looming over their relationship.
"And then you slept with Dyson. You broke my heart that night Bo. You honestly broke my heart that night, but it wasn't until later that I realized that you had lied about the internal bleeding, the reason you and I made love on my lounge chair was to heal… but you never told me. When you winced as you were getting dressed, I asked if you were okay. You lied and said yes. I didn't pursue it because I thought if you were hurt you would come to me. You would tell me and let me help you. But you didn't, instead you sleep with Dyson."
"After that, I started to pull away from you. I was already being told by everyone that I was only a temporary girlfriend. But I ignored them because I thought you had chosen me. But when you slept with him I started to doubt it. Where you using me because he didn't have his love back? When I found out you two were working the case involving the under Fae? There was a reason I showed up at that party. I was jealous and afraid of losing you to Dyson. When you told me Dyson would be at that party… I got jealous and worried." She heard another tearful laugh from Lauren. "I wondered why you didn't ask me to come along… especially if you needed a date? I was worried that you were starting to lose interest because you had been reminded what he was like, what he could be like when he had his love back."
She looked over at Lauren, her eyes were glassy with tears. She could see Lauren taking a breath, a quick grimace crossing her face. "I knew, but I was in denial. I was afraid that if you found out, you would go running back to him. I always seemed like the second choice. After the first time I slept with you… spy-banged you, after I broke your heart, you went running to him. I wish… I still wish to this day that the night had ended differently. But I don't regret what I did, and I would do it again if it meant keeping you safe, if it meant protecting you. We got together when you thought Dyson didn't have his love anymore, so I thought that when you found out you would go running back to him, and break my heart in the process."
A sad teary smile crossed Lauren's face. "But you never did. You stayed, and it wasn't out of pity, you loved me and you wanted me. And I was happy. But then the Kitsune fiasco, and I should have listened to you…" She could hear Lauren take a shudder breath. Her voice starting to crack.
"But I didn't because what was happening to you… it reminded me far to much of what happened with Nadia. And to free Nadia, you had to kill her. I couldn't… I wouldn't 've had the strength to end it Bo. I was so afraid that I was losing you to some insanity, to some possession. That I didn't believe you; instead I chose to take a sample of your hair. By doing that, instead of letting you talk? I pushed you further away. And we never really talked about it afterwards. Instead I found myself wondering if you were going to break up with me… but you never did. I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall… but it never did."
"When we found out about the Dawning? I was so glad that you were okay. I was so happy that it was something that could actually be overcome. I wasn't going to lose you. I wanted to do everything that I could to make sure you survived and that you passed. I was hoping that you would actually let me in, let me be your support. But you didn't you took Kenzi to meet your mother… I can't blame you for that one, you needed time with her after the Kitsune incident. You needed time… but still I wish you had invited me along. I would have loved to see where you grew up, to see a part of your past. But instead, I stayed behind and waited. That became a running theme over the next weeks. I sat at home waiting, I felt like the wife waiting for her husband to come home. Well… my wife in that analogy. Anyways. You never let me in on the process, you never really told me what was going on, you never told me why. This was also when you started to ignore me and well… neglect me. I hate that, it sounds so clingy, so weak."
Lauren sighed. "And then I got the paper inviting me to the awards. The first person I wanted to tell was you, because I know that you don't always understand what I do, but you supported me regardless, or at least that was what I thought. I got so excited that day… I had forgotten what any possible recognition felt like; when you're a human in the Fae world you quickly stop hopping to get anything beyond a sneer. So I went to the Dahl, and I was so relieved when I found out you could come with me. I was so excited to finally have a date with you. I thought it might be time for us to reconnect a little, for us to finally have a proper date. I was so excited about the recognition and the award. I honestly forgot that I had even published that paper… it was so long ago. Before the Fae, before everything. I don't publish anymore, not that I could publish anything anyways."
Another sigh and another shake of her head. "And then something happened. You went somewhere with Tamsin of all people. When I called asking where you were, you lied to me! You never told me you had gotten caught in a case… you strung me along, let me get my hopes up. Although… that was a weird afternoon, now that I think about it. The award was out of nowhere; I published that paper years ago. I also got drunk that afternoon… I had one glass of champagne and then another as each time I called you, you lied to me, not telling me the truth, no telling me where you were. You sounded drunk at one point, and then could barely speak at another. It was like… Bo what was going on that afternoon?"
Bo sighed. "That would be my Dawning invitation. The invitation I had to enter the temple. It somehow started and then Tamsin got involved, she refused to leave. Actually that entire afternoon was weird. I felt like I was possessed half the time, at times my actions were not my own. Sometimes I lost my powers, other times I got drunk or I couldn't talk properly because my tongue was numb. It was like someone was playing a game with me. Which as it turns out actually was the case; Trick was playing with the machine that was my invitation. I don't get it… what happened that day. I know I lied to you, and for that I'm so sorry. I don't know why it never crossed my mind to tell you I had gotten caught up in a case, but I lied and neglected you, putting you last."
She saw a frown cross Lauren's face. "Still I don't get why you didn't tell me you were caught up in a case. I don't understand that. But I think the worst part of it was that Tamsin told me later that you kissed her that day. You initiated a kiss and it wasn't for feeding purposes, it was an actual kiss. I got so mad and I slapped her. But I knew that it was most likely true. Really between that and what actually happened after your Dawning… I was fed up, I was tired of being the last priority. I was tired of being ignored and left out of the loop by my own girlfriend. I was unhappy, you were pushing me away, ignoring me, we never really talked. We were never intimate. I was unhappy. Maintaining the relationship fell to me and only me, instead of being a two person effort, it was only me."
Lauren sighed again. "What happened after the Dawning. I think that was one of the worst moments for me. When you came out of the temple… I was more then likely going to have kissed you, and probably done a whole lot more with you. But instead you come out crying over Dyson's body, you come out crying and he was dying. I knew you weren't going to let him die. But you Chi-sucked everyone to save him, including me. One of the few times you feed from me and it was to save Dyson! I can understand why you did it, you won't let any of your friends die. But afterwards, after you gave me a smile, but it wasn't only one of relief. It was one of love to, and it wasn't directed towards me. It was directed towards him. I knew he had told you, I knew that you still loved him. And I thought you had chosen him again. We never talked about that day."
Bo looked over at Lauren, there were tear tracks on her cheeks, her eyes welling up again. Bo took a deep breath. She needed to let Lauren finish this, and to talk about Dyson some more.
"And then after that. I knew that you were still with me because you never ended it. I couldn't figure out why. You were pulling away and I wasn't sure what to do. I felt the need to cling, but I also wanted to be distant. It was becoming clearer and clearer to me that it was not working. I wasn't happy and I was starting to lose sight of who I was. Our relationship had become a burden, something that I never wanted it to be. I was so tired… so tired of all the Fae and all the bullshit. I just needed to get away; I just wanted to get away. But Bo… after all of that I also needed my girlfriend. We needed time to reconnect and to talk about everything that had happened. "
"After all of that, after I found out Tamsin kissed you. I got beaten up. I was so miserable, so unhappy at that point. I needed you and you weren't there. You had gone behind my back, you kissed someone, and you were the one to initiate it. You had cheated, again. You ignored me and never even offered a line of communication. So I pulled away to avoid being hurt. I kept trying to keep our relationship going, but when it's a one-way street, it's hard. I felt like I was the least important person in your life, and I know that you love Kenzi, she's your best friend and your sister, even if not in blood." She heard Lauren sigh and shake her head again. "
That's fine and I can understand that relationship, I used to have a best friend like that. But still, I was less important then your ex, my rival and one of my worst fears. The person who could swoop in and take you away at any moment because he's Fae, he's enough. I'm only human, I'll never be enough I can understand why you'd chose him. I was less important then someone you had only recently met! I was your girlfriend, Bo. I thought you had committed to me, but you hadn't. I was a placeholder until someone else came along."
That was the moment that Lauren started to cry silently, tears running down her face. Bo could feel her own cheeks become wet. How much pain she had caused, how stupid she had been. "I was being used, I was in pain and I was unhappy. I had to end it, but I couldn't. So instead I asked for a break, so that we could both take some time and sort ourselves out. I had hoped, secretly hoped that you would fight for me, that you would realize what was wrong and maybe approach me and ask to talk, or at least come and seek some closure."
"Lauren…" Bo paused and held open her arms, for a moment she wasn't sure what would happen. But a second later she felt a pressure on her lap and arms wrapping around her neck. Bo sighed and buried her face in Lauren's hair. It felt so good to have her back in her arms, it felt so nice and so right. But she couldn't really read anything into this, it was more then likely just a human comfort, both of them in need of some contact.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry I ignored you and I lied to you. I know I cheated on you, and with both Dyson and Tamsin, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I never told you how much I loved you, how much I wanted you in my life, how much I need you in my life. I am so sorry that you had to feel this way, that all of these emotions piled up, that it got to the point where you started to doubt that I chose you and that I love you. I am in love with you. I meant what I said earlier, I want it all with you, I want everything, and I only want it with you. The Dawning showed me that, and the talks that I've had with both Kenzi and Dyson had reinforced that. I will always pick you, I will always love you."
"When I came out of the Dawning. I lost control, I blacked out, I don't remember what I did, it wasn't until later that Kenzi told me you both had been Chi-sucked to save Dyson. I am so sorry I did that, and when I regained control after all of that happened. I should have gone over and kissed you, shown you some kind of affection, shown you that you were wanted and appreciated, but instead I cry into Dyson's chest, glad he's alive. And the worst part was I stayed there, and I went with him afterwards." Bo gently reached out and grabbed on of Lauren's hands intertwining their fingers.
"We should have talked afterwards, but instead I had naively hoped that you would understand that I was just doing it to save him. That I just wanted him to live, but it didn't and I never explained my actions. So you start to doubt my feelings for you, and you realize that I lied to you and that I cheated on you, and all of the other actions and stressors that we never talked about. That's my fault, because I never thought to communicate with you. I never thought to ask you what happened afterwards and how you felt about it. It was always me, me, me. I became so selfish and so self-centred. I barely spared you a thought."
She could feel a sob rising up in her throat, she attempted to choke it back. She needed to get this out. Then they could both cry, they could both cry for as long as they needed to. After all of that, after they calmed down a little they could talk about Lauren's past, and what happened while she was away, and what went down with Taft. Although the reasons she ran away with Taft were fairly obvious after this conversation, she was desperate to escape, needed her freedom, needed someone who appreciated her accomplishments, who would honour her. Things she was supposed to do and never did. Finish this off for now, Bo.
"Afterwards, when Dyson asked me to go to the camp for juvenile delinquents. I should have turned him down. I should have taken he opportunity to show you that I love you and to take care of you, because for so long you had been taking care of me. But I didn't, I never asked you how you were feeling, or what was going on. I should have known something was wrong." Bo sighed and ran a hand through Lauren's hair. She couldn't see Lauren's face, it was hidden in her neck, but she could feel that she was still crying.
"You were acting distant, but clingy at the same time. It was odd, I felt like you weren't there emotionally when you were physically, but you were always reluctant to let me go. You wanted to talk, but you never brought it up. I never thought to ask. It was stupid, thoughtless, and careless and a fatal mistake. God. I also never asked you where you wanted to go on vacation, where you had been and where you hadn't. I never thought that you couldn't take the time off, because I somehow forgot you were still enslaved. I'm a stupid, neglectful, selfish, awful girlfriend. And for that I cannot apologize enough. When you called the break, it devastated me. I felt amazing, and much better after the Dawning, calmer. But I had ignored how you could be feeling, when I saw you being beaten up by that kid. My first thought was to kill him for hurting you. Dyson had to stop me. I was so relieve that you were safe. At that point, I just wanted to hold you and never let you go, keep you in my arms where I knew you would be safe."
Bo smiled a little, shaking her head slightly. "But it was to late. Too much damage had been done. To much hurt, to much pain. You were hurting and I never even realized. I was so stupid. That night, I just wanted to take care of you. You looked so sad and so vulnerable, but then you asked me to stop. You said you weren't happy and that you were losing yourself. You needed a break. So I got up, and walked away. I never really wondered what had happened, but I knew I'd lost you, maybe forever maybe not. I regret so much Lauren, I regret so many things I didn't do when I could have, so many missed opportunities. I should have been there for so many things when I was not."
Bo leaned her cheek against Lauren's head. The tears starting to fall. "You're a human in the Fae world, your support system is limited, and the people who know you and appreciate you, and respect you are limited. With Nadia gone, your last tie to your past was severed. But despite it all, you felt safe with me. After that after Nadia. You should have been able to fall back on Kenzi and Trick, Hale, me. Your friends and your family. I know that you and Kenzi are my primary support structure, and in return I'm it for you, and so is Kenzi, even if she won' say it, and acts like she hates you most of the time." There was a small laugh from her shoulder. "But I didn't seem to realize that at the time. I didn't seem to realize that you needed support just as much as I did. That sometimes you need help, I sometimes forgot that you're not always the strong human doctor. You have you're weak moments when you need someone, and when I never offered to be there, never gave you the option of having someone else to rely on."
Bo sighed and turned her head to press a kiss to Lauren's hair. "You've been enslaved for five years, and because of that as Kenzi pointed out to me, you probably are just now relearning how to put yourself first, and to put others second. I'm sorry that I was never there to support you, to help you if you wanted it. But know I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I will help in whatever way you need, or if you need me to back off and give you space, I can do that to. I can totally understand if you need time and space to think and to find yourself again. But just know that I am here, and this time I'm not going to ignore you, I'm going to stay and be there when you need me. However you need me."
Bo sighed and just allowed herself to stop for a moment. As soon as she did, she felt herself let out a sob. So much of this could have been prevented, so much of this could have been stopped. So much unneeded, so much wasted time. All because of stupid decisions, all because of her stupidity, her inability to realize what was going on, that they needed to communicate.
She could feel Lauren crying into her shoulder. This was really the first time they had both sat down and allowed themselves to cry, to allow themselves to be angered, sad, and emotions in between. Bo buried her face in Lauren's hair, and brought a hand up to hold her head to her shoulder, squeezing the other one she was holding.
For now they needed to cry, and they needed to hold each other. Lauren's past could wait a little longer, as could what happened with Taft and afterwards.
For now she just needed to hold her lover. For now she just needed her love in her arms.