AN: mostly McCoy bashing with bad innuendos, but a happy ending for McCoy at the end. And some more of my very own soon to be patented CWALP, crack with a little plot. Enjoy! Also, however smutty the dialog at the end gets, There is no coitus or fellatio of any sort. You have been warned. So don't flame me for later. It's all in your head.
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Doctor Leonard McCoy a.k.a. "Bones!" best friend, drinking buddy, divorcee, Father and CMO of the USS Enterprise, abhorred Valentines' day.
Hate, hate, hated it.
You want to know why?
First of all it was definitely the general lovevy –dovey- ness, people making goo-goo eyes everywhere and anywhere they went, with no thought for public dencentcy, every free surface "averaging at 3.2653948m doctor. " covered with pink paper chains, pink paper hearts, glitter, abandoned confectionary wrappers, and people eating each other's faces off.
And god damn it, Even the damn hobgoblin wasn't even protesting about the illogical-ness of it all, too busy making "come hither" eyes at Jim, who was returning the favour by happily blowing air kisses when they thought no one was watching. Disgusting.
He wasn't jealous damn it, McCoy stubbornly tells himself, it was just the general suffocating atmosphere, yes that was it, too much love. He was happy for Jim, hobgoblin and all, but the chocolates and the kisses and the smouldering eyes and the "Please rip my uniform off Spock!" pose was getting too much.
He wasn't lonely Damn it!
And then there was Jim. Jim, who once thought that he was god's gift to women but now deciding that he was god's gift to a certain Vulcan, and happily spending every minute of everyday sickening affirming the fact. DAMNIT.
It was his fault. McCoy decided, downing a shot of something vaguely alcoholic, for lifting the no- fraternising rule for a day, and god damn it, if he had to hand out one more free pack of Contraceptives-
"Err…Doctor McCoy?" came the nervous query of some redshirt that chapel had sent in while he was busy wallowing in self pity.
"What?" he snaps, slamming down his drink, watching the ensign flinch with a deep sense of satisfaction. Good, fear keeps you alert and alive. Damn Jim, damn Valentine's day, damn them all for making him do this.
"I …err…Contraceptives?" he asks hopefully. The smug bastard.
"CONTRACEPTIVES?" McCoy exploded, "What am I?! A walk in clinic?! Vending machine?!"
"well-"
"Don't talk back to me young man! If you knock up the poor girl or break her heart I will have you out of an airlock faster than it takes A Vulcan to recite the third law of HER ME?!
"YES SIR!" yells the ensign, terrified. McCoy slaps the kit down on the desk, growls and gave his best death glare. Poor thing squeaked. "Get out of my sick bay." He growls.
The red shirt was out of there faster than the depressurisation of an airlock. McCoy took another drink of his shot, leaning back on his chair. Thanking god that at least that his sickbay was a madness free Zone.
At 08:00 hours ship time, the entirety of every science exec. Had been summoned and seated around the "Round Table Bones!"followed by an"OW DAMNIT."
Leonard "Bones" Horatio McCoy sat down as the king of all things southern.
"This" meaningful pause "is a medic bay" pause. "And more importantly. Mine. There will be no banners, no hearts, no glitter, no paper chains, no frolicking, no fraternising, no slacking off, no chocolates, no flowers from botany and no issuing of free contraceptives without my direct consent. Or you will find your selves polishing my scalpels till the world ends. Is that understood?!
"Yes Doctor."
"Dismissed."
McCoy though about the bullshite excuse that Jim had fed him when he asked why the fuck was he putting up with all of this nonsense, and had the gall to say "Aw Bones! It's good for crew morale!"
Morale his ass, it was the three month anniversary of him and pointy ears' holy get together, orchestrating a crew party to cover the love and horty -torty time they can spend together without looking odd. Thinking about it made him scowl even more.
The door to his office swished open, revealing a tall, blonde and gorgeous Nurse chapel carrying a pink bowed box. Hope lifted his heart.
"It's from Joanna" Chapel blurts out before anything else, the legs it out on those legs
And then hope died like Jim's smile on check up day.
McCoy slumps back in his chair with a sigh, the leans forward to read the note.
To daddy Dearest, Love Jo xxx
He unwraps the present.
McCoy wanted to crawl under a desk and die. His precious star had sent him and chocolate heart. Not the pointy one with two curvy bits, but a life sized anatomical representation complete with left and right ventricles, atriums and down to the coronary arteries filled out in white chocolate. Why… why?
This was the last straw. That's it. Damn it all. McCoy presses the intercom to his head nurse "Chris, I'm leaving, "he takes out his bottle of chocolate liquor from the secret stash "sickbay's all yours, if anyone comes in for contraceptives, prescription will be administered in Hypo form. I don't care what their excuses are, No exceptions."
"Yes Doctor"
Screw them all, a little suffering was good for the soul.
With the hear tucked safely behind the stash of alcohol, the cursed shower gel and shimmery cream of the just pink series wrapped up in an happy Valentine's day banner that hung for a very short duration in his office. The culprits currently cleaning out his scalpels and washing out dirty Petri dishes by hand. McCoy set out to find a madness free spot to wait it all out with his alcohol. He mentally listed the places that were most likely to be infected with couples.
Botany Lab, bushes and couples. Avoid. Observation deck stars and romance. Avoid. Engineering, the damned party and couples and alcohol that he couldn't have. Avoid. Jefferies tubes, closed spaces and people. Avoid. Rec rooms, most likely to be full of rom-coms, avoid, corridors- McCoy narrowly swerved left sharply to avoid walking in on some very impressive discarded clothing-definite avoid. Bridge?
Hold that thought.
He halted before the turbolifts, and explore the thought, contrary to what Jim thought, he was capable of organising and evaluating his choices logically because hey, he was a doctor and he had to perform under extreme stress it was simply what he was trained to do.
Now, only the higher command team could access the bridge, with ID recordings, this would certainly dissuade most of the junior crew, also only the skeleytal crew would be present, and changing often to go to the party, so no one would question his presence too much, and most of all, it was quiet, and couple free. Which was exactly what he needed.
Perfect.
So, bridge it is.
McCoy had just let himself in to the peaceful abandon of do-it-alone binge drinking on the good stuff within the empty captain's ready room when the turbo lifts opened again.
"Ah, ensign AkkrSen! You are relived of duty, go have some fun" said Jim's cheery voice, which only could mean one thing-McCoy paled. Oh no no no no no …..
"But Captain-"
"And the rest of you too" he says, steely, cutting them off. No! he was still in here!
"The captain has issued an order, and you shall adhere to it" came Spock's voice of ice.
OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT
"yes sir!" and then the mad scramble out. Hell hath no fury like a pissed Vulcan apparently.
Then.
Silence.
McCoy didn't move. Or breathe.
"Oh Spock…..." sighs an breathy Jim that was entirely too lewed to be proper" is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
Oh god , why didn't he leave why he had the chance?
"Do not be illogical Jim" came the reply. God bless the hob-
"Awwww come on, isn't little Spock pleased to see me? Hmm hellllo tiny Spock, how are ya? Daddy is going to take good care of you." Jim purrs, McCoy gags in the captain's ready room. Choking on his bottle of the good stuff, splaying it on the clean carpet.
"Desist Jim" came Spock's reply, a little breathy this time.
"No. " Came the coy command, McCoy lamented his life over and over again, why why?!What had he done in his previous life that was so horrible to deserve this?
It got worse.
"No." came Jim's coy voice again. "look at it, all hard and slick and ready for me, sure you don't want some help?" McCoy makes a face to the rest of the universe. Please, no.
There was a sort of wrapper being torn, like plastic, and then a loud sound of very obvious slurping.
"don't you want me to lick it?" McCoy could hear the eyebrow from here. If he wasn't distracted by the taste of vomit-
"Captain-" chokes out Spock, breathless-
"hmmmm…hmmmmm" Jim lets out a playful moan of sorts, McCoy coverd his ears and started to recite the periodic table in his head as fast as he could in the silence.
"look at me Spock, watch what I am doing" came Jim's down right possessive command. Spock let out a what seemed to be a mewling noise. There was the sounds of quicken breathing, then-
Silence.
McCoy let out a sigh, this was probably the best time to move. With his eyes politely glued to the ceiling, tossing his pink wrapped gift to the general direction of the captain's chair.
The shuffle told him the hobgoblin caught it.
Then his foot caught on the rise to the chair and Doctor McCoy smack down landed on his face. Arms flaying around to seek purchase, and trying not to stare at the chir at the same time.
It failed.
"Wha?"
Jim and Spock fully clothed, sort of sitting on each others laps with a smug grin, looks down at down at the foot of the threone as he was
"hello Bones" then tossed something down to his grasp.
"Damn it ! Jim, I don't want you dirty condom wrappers-" McCoy involuntary glanced down.
LIME FLAVOR LOLLYPOP!
ORIGINAL RECIPIE!
1 credit each!
Oh.
Pause.
McCoy slammed his fist down on the squeaky clean floor and got up." Godamn it ! " two pairs of innocent eyes followed him." You owe me a lot of good stuff especially that which I regurgitated back there."
Damn right he had enough, now time to make a dramatic exit .#
"And what short of Fucking anniversary is this?" he yells, Spock's eyebrow went up. " Fellatio doesn't even count as Sex, get a grip Jim!" McCoy stalks out "and use protection!"
You know what , screw them all he was going to have a night in his own quarters , medical locked by CMO and he wasn't fucking coming out till all of this was fucking over.
Interlude
The comn to his quarters ringed insistently, and McCoy dragged his lazy ass to the door, what was it now? Hadn't he suffered enough?
"what?" he snaps rather irritably.
Brown eyes gave him a pointed look. Then held out a hamper full of beautiful, golden, vintge liquor. Each a bottle of liquid sunshine of smoky amber. "Compliments of Commander Spock." She says. Slightly amused at McCoys open jaw.
The CMO of the Uss Enterprise shut it closed immediately.
"Give him my thanks. Lieutenant Commander-
"Will you not at least take a look at the Captain's gift before you dismiss me doctor?" She, a petite figure of snowy skin and slight curves, a complete anathema to Jocelyn , regards him curiously, unabashed, amused almost.
"Okay, what is it?"
The girl gave him the Eyebrow that should only occur on Spock's face.
"What?"
More pointed staring.
Then
Understanding dawned.
Oh.
OH…
"I see." He said at last. The girl eyerolls, then smiles.
FINALLY.
"You better come in then" then stepped aside to let the little thing past, hamper in hand.
Maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all.
AN: Muhahahahahah the overactive imaginations of a star trek fan girl. this is a sort of break till I figure out what to do with the remaining shower gel and shimmery body cream, which might be a story in 2 parts rather than my little CWALP babies. But rest assured, there will be crack and more laughter. And less McCoy bashing. Even if it is so fun to write Bones. (whom is not complaining much anymore….. you might have noticed)
Maybe, is time to go to the ball….