I stared down at you, you looked so hallow and I decided you weren't crying and your face was only wet from the rain. Even if you had your hands over your eyes and were rubbing them, oh how pitiful you looked, it was nearly saddening. "You used to be so big," I muttered even if I didn't mean to, my heart wanted to hold you tight and coddle you. Mutter sweet nothings till you were to stop crying, but my brain over powered that with, "you're free". I'm free of you, my sick unhealthy obsession. You can't control me, I'm victorious, and I've won against the largest empire at this time in history. It would seem France was right about one thing, you wouldn't be mine forever. Just no one thought it would be me to break away; I suppose I should thank the wine bastard for his help against you. I almost feel the need to spit, more to just be rude but I decided against it and walked away. The farther I got away from you, the better off I would be, and I had to do something to get away from you. Though as hard as I try my heart won't let me forget how much I love you, and how just walking the opposite way from your sobs freeze it more.
The colder the better, it meant I could detach from Europe entirely now, I could isolate myself, and no one could go against that. I try not to look over my shoulder as your remaining soldiers lift you of the ground and walk you away from me as well. I stop walking and look up to the pouring rain and force a smile to my face; this is how my façade began. I know not many will be my friend now and nor will they go to war with me simply for I beat you. It's an unspoken respect I know I'll receive, but I try not to think about it as I tell my boss of our victory. I am my own nation, but we're still so close it makes me feel claustrophobic. I convinced my boss we have to go westward. That was my goal to focus on lands I didn't know. I would go west, as far west as I could possibly go, just to breathe again.
My only thoughts for a long time were westward till I hit another sea, but I still felt like I couldn't breathe, it felt like I could never truly escape you. It felt like you were just everywhere, behind me, in front of me, on my mind and in my heart. Why can't you leave me alone! My pitiful unhealthy obsession, please just leave me alone! I can't do this anymore, I don't want this freedom, and I just want you! Though I can no longer have you, I've broken you haven't I? I've shattered your heart entirely, which only in turn breaks me. I couldn't handle this break inside of me; I needed something else to distract me.
I'm so swallowed in my isolation, that I can't think straight, since no matter what you're in my head somehow; if I want to get away, if I feel alone, and even when I can't find something to do. I wonder if you still care if I'm alive or not. Why wouldn't you? I might be paranoid, I don't know, or maybe I'm right, you could care less about me now right? I'm not a part of your family anymore; I made that clear when I declared independence? I think you took the Revolution the wrong way, because I just don't want to be seen as your little brother anymore. Like I said, it kills me to be stuck in a position like that; it belittles me to think I'm nothing more to you. Please, don't do this to me; you should know I can't keep this up forever.
In the haze of my mind my boss seemed to free me of you for a bit, when he said the Confederacy and the Union were to go to war. Though he tried his best to explain why this had happened, but I waved it off, I didn't need to know. It was just the perfect distraction. I fought with the Union simply because my heart was with them instead of the Confederacy. But I ended up more wounded then any of my soldiers, for after every battle it was my land that was scared. I would laugh and wave off the nurses, telling them I would be fine; though it would take a while. I didn't think of the consequences of fighting on my own soil, which is defiantly a bad thing.
By the Battle of Shiloh I was to worn to fight anymore, and the Confederates gained ground, thank heavens for reliable generals. Of which one the battle for us, with tactical strategy, at least after I could no longer support them. But watching the final battle of the war hurt more than being in them, being I felt the pain and heard about it later. Though that short period didn't keep you off my mind once it was over, it was almost useless, I needed you here. I could never wake up from the nightmare that was reality, unless you were here. Thus why I hide behind a fake smile, to keep the demons away and thinking that one day I'll wake up and you'll be here with me. Then I guess I would never wake up from this and I'll just slowly recover my shattered nation. I feel so numb now, after I lost you and basically beat myself up; as hard as that is to fathom. Damn France was right, you left me haven't you? Only because I said I didn't want to be your colony anymore? Do I have to be a colony to have a relationship with you?
I'm seriously thinking way too much, I need to stop; it'll all kill me in the end. I don't know how I can stop, you raised me, and your memory is imprinted. Maybe if I was to shove all my memories in a closet, and never went in it, would I be free of all this confusion?