How to Seduce a Man

~Genre: Humor

Top Ten Tips to Seduce a Man

1. Work it - You know what I mean: I'm talking about you and your fear of skin. Show a little.

"You want me to choose some clothes that will make you show some skin?" Kakashi stared incredulously at the boy who wore a slit open white shirt which was only tied together by a purple bow.

Sasuke looked down at his apparel and nodded in confirmation.

"Well, " Kakashi swallowed. "I hate to tell you this, but unless you are in a swimming pool, you can't show much more skin than you are showing now without getting arrested for illicit conduct."

2. Work out - Did I mention that Tip #1 is contingent upon the success of Tip #2? If you don't work out, you can't work it.

Sasuke glared at the second tip and decided to skip it. The first tip was already useless to him after all.

3. Shut up - Enough with the long stories already. First meetings call for shallow conversation, not your memoirs.

It was early in the morning when an extremely loud scream of pain could be heard throughout Konoha. Chouji ran out to investigate the situation. Upon his arrival, he found a very gleeful Naruto bouncing around Sasuke. Taking a closer look at Sasuke, he was able to see that the Uchiha was in severe agony.

Chouji raised his eyebrows.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I was able to save Sasuke ."

Chouji's eyebrows rose higher.

"Haven't you noticed that Sasuke's has only said about two words this past week? It's like he was in a trance!" Naruto glanced at the huddled shape on the ground with an exasperated, but fond look. "It's a good thing I was able to rectify his problem."

Chouji took another look at Sasuke.

"...You did rasengan on his balls...?"

Naruto grinned. "Sasuke must have done some sort of weird jutsu on himself. Thanks to my rasengan, I was able to make him snap out of it. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get some ramen. I'm starving!"

Taking a bag of chips out of seemingly nowhere, Chouji shrugged and walked away.

Meanwhile, the poor Uchiha was groaning and fighting back tears as he held his brutally abused family jewels. He was seriously debating finding whoever wrote the seduction guide and putting a chidori up his ass.

4. Be mysterious - This is the 21st century version of playing hard to get. Girls in the 20th century took this too far - never acting interested, never calling back... You know who you are. These days, hold back some information.

"Sasuke, we're ordering pizza for dinner," Naruto said as he bounced into the living room where Sasuke was looking at something on his laptop. "Do you prefer meatball or ham toppings?"

"...whatever."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "That's not an answer, teme. If you don't answer, I'll order a plain and boring one for you."

That got Sasuke to look away from his laptop screen. The Japanese boy opened his mouth but quickly closed it again without uttering a word and glanced at the screen. His face became determined. "Choose whatever you want."

Naruto gave his friend a very evil grin. "As you wish."

Later, Shikamaru commented on Sasuke's very poor taste in choosing pizza, topped with apples, corn, green pepper, cheddar cheese, and escargot. In return, the pineapple haired boy got a glare which would make even Orochimaru have nightmares.

5. No scowling - My gorgeous friend is a scowler. Scowls at everyone in the place. When she asks, "Why can't I get a guy?" our friends tell her she intimidates men. She looks like a bitch. No one will tell her so I'm telling you.

In the bedroom, Sasuke muttered something about it had been three days and still no effect.

"What's not having effect?" Naruto poked his head in.

Sasuke glared at his blonde friend.

"Gee, you've been glaring a lot these last few days. Something up your ass, buddy? Where are those scowls of yours? I miss them."

Instead of starting to issue his usual death threat, Naruto was surprised to see Sasuke bowing in defeat and mumbling something about trying the next tip.

6. Show you are smart - Dazzle him with your knowledge.

"...twenty one, thirty four, fifty five, eighty nine, one hundred forty four, two hundred thirty three, three hundred seventy seven..."

"Oh someone, please just kill me, " Kiba moaned.

"It's quite interesting, but we don't really need it, Sasuke," Kakashi said kindly.

"The good thing is," Neji added maliciously, "it makes a good lullaby." The long haired boy pointed at the slumped figure on the couch.

Naruto Uzumaki kept on snoring, oblivious.

Sasuke stopped reciting and scowled.

7. Be seen - Just get out there and let the world know you're available... without looking available.

"Sasuke?" Naruto did a double take as he was running towards his apartment. "What are you doing there?"

Sasuke glared and refused to answer.

Naruto scratched his head and shrugged. If Sasuke wanted to stand in front of his house all day, it wasn't his problem. "Do I need to tell you that it is going to..."

There was the sound of thunder and suddenly it was raining heavily.

"... rain?" Naruto said feebly.

Sasuke glared at the sky before stomping inside his house, wet and drenched to the very bottom of his soul.

8. Network - You may think your friend's boyfriend is a waste of time, but don't count him out. No, I don't mean steal him - talk to him.

Sasuke waited in the kitchen until Rock Lee came in to get some breakfast.

"Lee?"

"Yosh!" Lee beat his fists into the air.

"How did you seduce Gaara?"

Lee ceased his actions and his entire body turned a bright red.

"Tell me how you managed to kiss him and get him to bed."

The bushy browed ninja hightailed it back toward the safety of his precious Gai-sensei.

There was a loud curse in Japanese from inside the kitchen and a mutter which sound like a 'waste of time'.

9. Graduate from seventh grade - Hey, you're an adult. I don't care how many tequila shots you've had. You wouldn't write his name on your book covers, would you?

Sasuke stared at his laptop screen. He looked a bit guilty and reluctant as he disabled his customized screen saver which showed two bouncing words around the screen. The words, naturally, were 'Naruto' and 'Uzumaki."

10. If all else fails...make the move...

This was the perfect chance.

Sasuke took a deep breath and entered the tent he and Naruto were sharing. The one with a wide amount of space so they could sleep several feet away from each other - unfortunately.

...- If you've followed the first nine tips, then you just may have the confidence to approach the guy yourself...

"Naruto?"

Naruto looked up from where he had been reading a magazine. "Hey, buddy. I've been thinking and I think that we should do some training with Team 9 right after this mission. I learned a new technique and I'm going to hmmph! umphhh hmmm? Hmmm..."

Sasuke made a note that kissing was an effective way to shut up his new boyfriend.

"What was that?" Naruto asked when they parted for breath.

Sasuke glared his 'isn't it obvious, baka?' glare.

Naruto smiled. "You like me, Sasuke?"

Sasuke nodded.

Naruto smiled brightly and leant forward, eyes cloudy with pleasure, making Sasuke's heart beat faster in anticipation.

... What's the worst that could happen?

"Sasuke-kun! What are you doing?" A shrill voice successfully killed the moment. "Ino-pig has been bothering me all day about you! Just talk to her before I have to hear another one of her bitchy rants again! And you!" Sakura pointed at Naruto. "You were supposed to get Sasuke to ask Ino out and crash at her place! What are you doing disturbing my weekend with you? Doesn't my boyfriend want to spend time with me?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and looked at Naruto. "You're her boyfriend?"

Naruto bit his lip while trying to force a grin.

Sasuke growled and reached for his sword.

...~*Somewhere Else in Konoha*~...

Kakashi stared at the television. "Pakkun?"

"Yes?"

"Are those my students...?" Kakashi pointed at the screen.

Pakkun followed the masked man's finger. The screen was showing a terrified reporter in front of a house. Between the reporter and the house, Pakkun could see a familiar looking girl in pink running helter-skelter, chased by another familiar looking boy with a slit open shirt and a full raging chidori. A boy with blonde hair and several shadow clones were trying to hold the other boy back.

Hehe. This was just a bunch of randomness that I had to get out of my head. I hope you like it!