AN: More this weekend!
The squad room was quiet except for a social worker and uniformed officer finishing up for the day. Amanda sat at her desk, typing up reports that had fallen to the bottom of her 'to-do' list given her preoccupation with the Jasmine Ortega case. As her fingers flew over her keyboard, a notification of a FaceTime call from her mother popped up in the corner of the screen.
She rolled her eyes, annoyed. Amanda tried to limit contact with her, mostly because she successfully pushed every single one of Amanda's buttons. She never wanted a cigarette and a hand of cards more than when her mother was trying to weasel her way under her skin. Beth Anne Rollins was superficial, overbearing, selfish... but it had been months since Amanda had last talked to her, which surprisingly had her feeling just the tiniest bit guilty that evening.
She looked around the room cautiously before accepting the request. Beth Anne's face appeared on the screen, sipping what Amanda was sure to be a gin and tonic. Her hair was done and a pearl necklace hung around her neck. Amanda minimized the window to a small square, hoping to multitask.
"Hey, mama," she said, resuming her typing.
"Amanda, would it kill you to put a little make up on?" Beth Anne asked, her tone pleading.
"Yeah, it would," Amanda responded dryly.
"How's my grand-baby doin'? And Kimberly?"
"They're both doing great."
"And you?"
"I'm fine."
"Kim says Declan is there," Beth Anne said eagerly, like a teenager relaying especially juicy gossip.
"Did she?" Amanda didn't sound surprised because she wasn't.
"Mhm. She picks up her phone, unlike you. But let me give you some advice, mother to mother. When your father left-"
"Don't talk about daddy," Amanda interrupted, her gaze moving from the document she was working on so she could look directly at her mother.
"All these years and you still got a blind spot for that man."
"You're the queen of blind spots, mom."
"Oh, Amanda," her mother sighed dramatically. "I'm trying to be helpful."
"Well... don't," she replied with a pained smile.
Her mother took a sip of her drink and rolled her eyes. "Alright, do it your way, Amanda. You always have."
They agreed to meet at the park.
Amanda went early that afternoon, allowing Jesse to run around for a little while before Declan arrived. By the time she spotted the lieutenant through the dark lenses of her sunglasses, Jesse was covered in dirt - and very pleased with herself.
Declan approached as Jesse was beginning to climb the steps to the slide for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was amazing how much energy such a little human possessed. Amanda kept her daughter in her peripheral vision as she greeted Declan with her arms crossed over her chest. She was anxious and oddly defensive but offered him a small smile anyway. "Hi."
"Hey," he said, his gaze drifting around the busy playground. It dawned on her that he didn't know what Jesse looked like now; she had only ever sent him occasional baby photos in the beginning.
"Jesse," Amanda called. "Come here, please."
The little girl turned around mid-crawl and obediently made her wobbly descent. By her mother's side again, Amanda crouched down to her daughter's level and Declan followed suit.
"Say hi," Amanda prompted Jesse.
Jesse studied Declan. She remained silent and inched closer to her mother, her curious eyes still on the strange man.
"Hi, Jesse. You sure are beautiful," Declan said. There was a softness in his voice that Amanda had never heard before.
"Jesse, this is your dad. Can you say hi?" Amanda explained slowly. The words felt foreign and forced.
The little girl turned into Amanda, hiding her face against her body.
Amanda put her arms around her daughter to pick her up, standing straight again. Jesse kept her face buried in the crook of Amanda's neck. "C'mon, baby girl. Since when are you shy?" she said lightly, hoping her tone of voice would relax her.
"Can I have a hug, Jesse?" Declan asked her gently.
Jesse shook her head and clung so tightly to Amanda it was almost painful.
"Okay, okay. Maybe later," Amanda resigned with a little sigh, shifting Jesse against her hip. She looked at Declan, who appeared hurt.
"Didn't you ever show her my picture? Anything?" Declan asked quietly.
She felt a twinge of guilt. "Well, no..."
"C'mon, Amanda-"
"Look, Declan. I never thought I'd see you again. So what does it matter?" she interrupted defensively.
"It matters because I'm her father."
"You're her father now, Declan. Because it fits into your schedule." There were so many other things she wanted to say, but she stopped herself. The entire interaction was beginning to feel like an episode on one of the reality shows she watched; she didn't want to make a scene about this in front of all the other mothers and nannies lingering in the playground. Plus, there was a part of her who understood that this wasn't easy for him, either. Amanda continued quietly, "you know that this is going to take time."
He locked his eyes onto hers, whatever softness he had possessed earlier gone. "I have time."
Amanda had fallen asleep to the sound of rain against her window. A twelve hour day had her limbs leaden and head hazy from the moment her body made its way beneath her sheets. There were some nights that Amanda's overactive mind kept her awake till the sun came up, but being on Jasmine's case meant she didn't have any mental energy left to go over trivial worries in the dark. Jasmine's despondent parents reminded her every moment they could that their problem was much worse than any of hers. Through out the day Amanda thought of her own daughter, how she would feel like her beating heart was being ripped out of her chest if Jesse ever went missing. She carried that uncomfortable reminder with her during countless interviews and hours of research, letting it drive her to do all she could for the lost little girl.
She had only seen Sonny in the squad room during fleeting moments between his undercover job. That was the nature the work: it overwhelmed one's real life in the hopes that it would make the charade seem all the more convincing. Amanda kept her distance accordingly, hoping to continue to send the message that their personal relationship had no impact on the professional. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the urge to prove herself as capable; a good job was never quite good enough for Amanda Rollins. Even so, she noticed Sonny's absence while she worked the case alongside others.
He had texted her earlier that day to ask if he could come over; instead of spending a few free hours alone at his place, he could spend them with her. Amanda agreed but ultimately failed to stay awake to wait up for him. She had tried - until she passed out on her couch and awoke to Frannie licking her face, a definite sign that she had need to get herself to bed.
Amanda eventually heard the creak of footsteps on her wood floor. Slowly, she drifted from sleep to almost-awake but didn't move from her position on her side. In the darkness of her room, she saw Sonny with Frannie at his feet. Her eyes felt too heavy to keep them open for long; his familiar frame slid in and out of focus as he pulled off layers of clothing. She felt her bed shift with the addition of his weight, heard him exhale when his body sunk down into the mattress. They laid motionless, in silence, the only noise the storm outside and the sticky sound of tires on the pavement below.
She was just about to give into her exhaustion again when she felt Sonny's arm move around her, his chest against her back. He smelled like the rain and the familiar scent of his cologne.
"Rollins?" she heard Sonny say quietly. He sounded tired.
She smiled sleepily. He never called her that outside of work anymore. "Mm?"
"Missed ya."
Everything felt soft and warm. "Missed you."