Lily Lessons

"Moony, for Merlin's sake, what are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready for our lesson, Prongs," Remus stated as if it was the simplest thing in the world to figure out.

"Why are you wearing a red wig?" James asked, nonplussed.

"I thought it would help you think of Lily. This way I can see how you usually behave around her."

James sighed. "Oh, okay. You had me worried for a second there. I thought I was going to have to tell Sarah that you swing both ways."

Remus laughed. He did look rather ridiculous wearing a t-shirt, baggy shorts, and a long, red wig. "Why don't we just get started? Talk to me like you would talk to Lily every day, and then we'll go from there."

"Gotcha," James replied. He took a deep breath and moved a step closer to Remus, trying to picture his beautiful Lily. He loved everything about her. She had the most gorgeous red hair and emerald green eyes that sparkled when she was happy. She had the perfect figure, too. She was slim and had curves in all the right places. He loved her smile. She never seemed to smile around James, but when he watched her--not stalked as Sirius accused him of-- her smile would make him feel so warm inside. She was the most beautiful girl in the world. "Hey, Evans!"

"Potter," Remus nodded his head curtly. He spoke in a high, girly voice. He sounded absolutely nothing like Lily.

"How are you doing this fine day?" James inquired while trying to hold back his laughter.

"Fine," Remus said sweetly.

"You are looking mighty fine to me," James replied and winked.

"Eww!" shrieked Remus. "First of all, please do not come on to me. It is disturbing. Secondly, stop using lame pick-up lines on Lily. You can't say something stupid like if I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

"Hey!" James interrupted. That's a good one. Now I must defend my title as the pick-up line master. Try this on for size. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

"That was good, Prongs," Remus said, "but I can do better. Can I have a map, because I keep getting lost in your eyes."


"Do you want to go get some pizza and snog? Hey! What's wrong with pizza?"

"Did the sun just come out, or was it you smiling?"

"I lost my address, can I have yours?" James said with a laugh and winked suggestively.

"Are you a magnet, because I sure feel attracted to you."

James grinned. "I play the field, and it looks like I just caught the snitch with you."

Remus racked his brain and came up with, "Do you have a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants."

"Touché, my not-so-prude friend, but I am the master of all pick-up lines and you must bow down before me at this. If sexiness were a band, you would rock my world."

"That's all you've got?" Remus questioned. Listen to this. Are you tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long."

"Remus, my boy, always quit while you are ahead. It's a good thing we're in a library, because I'm checking you out."

"Ugh!" Remus said defeated. "Fine. You win. You are the pick-up line master."

"Thank you. Fear my skill!" James smirked.

"Ah, yes I forgot. In your sick mind, being good at insulting girls is a good thing." Remus ignored James's attempts to tell him off. "We should get back to the lesson. As I was saying, pick-up lines, although they are fun to think up, are totally useless around girls like Lily. She wants to be romanced. Let's give it another go. This time, don't address her by her surname. Lily is much more intimate."

"Er, alright then," James said a little taken aback. He really liked the idea of being 'more intimate' with Lily, but he was so used to calling her Evans. He figured it was something he could grow out of. "Hi, Lily."

"Hello, James," Remus responded while absentmindedly playing with his wig.

"How was your summer?"

"It was alright, and yours?"

"It was good. I spent most of it playing Quidditch. Too bad I'm going to be an auror. The English could really use an amazing chaser like me on their team."



"James," Remus said, shaking his head. "When will you learn? Lily likes modesty not arrogance. You can't tell her what a Quidditch prodigy you are. It will only make her angry."

"But she's so pretty when she gets angry. Her eyes shine even brighter, and her lips sort of curl. Plus sometimes when she yells at me she gets close enough that I can smell her hair. It smells like some flower, lavender, I think."

Remus coughed something that sounded a lot like 'stalker.'

"I am not," James argued. I just love to watch Lily. Every move she makes fascinates me."

"Wow," said Remus. "You must really like her."

"No," James replied. "I love her. Come on, Moony. You have to help me."

"Alright. Now when you see her for the first time on the train, she might be a little testy. Chances are good that she won't be very happy when she finds out your Head Boy. Be nice to her and explain how you were shocked too. Also, try not to curse any Slytherins while she's there."

"That's going to be tough, but she's worth it."

"Excellent. Make sure you keep the flattery to a minimum and be as chivalrous as humanly possible for you."

"Hey!" James pouted. "I resent that."

"I'm sure you do," Remus said, his eyes twinkling. "I'll start this time. Hi, James."

"Hey, Lily," James responded. "What's up?"

"Oh nothing, I'm just going to go finish my Astronomy homework."

James burst out laughing. Remus looked around confused. "What's so funny?"

"The sky is empty tonight, because all the stars are in your eyes."

Remus sighed. "This is going to take longer than I expected."

A/N: aren't pick-up lines just fantastic? please review!!