warnings :

language, self torture sexual scenes

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

I almost forgot to add : I want to show how it could effect the people around , not only the person who attemps it.

A sholder to cry on

chapter three

Silent screamers

It didn't take long for the medic to come , but it did feel like that . All this time Roy was hopeless , he forcefully tried to keep him awake . When he realized that he lost too much blood , and the tempature of Ed's body seemed to get cooler . Without hesitaiting , Roy quickly took off his military jacked and wrapped it around the tiny body .

It could warm him and also be like a bandage for now . Roy glanced to his sides . Next to Ed there was a yellow box , something was werriten in dark purple . He reached his hand to it , he brought it to the high of his face to read the title ' sleeping pills ? '

Nervousness filled him , could it be ? . He bent a little bit , then crawled to Ed's left , where he could see a knife and a blood stained piece of paper . He slowly grabbed the piece of paper between his fingers , trying not to tear it apart since it was so wet .

'"Al , it feels like i'm loosing my self control .

I could've not done that , but it'll hurt more

to keep it inside , without doing anything about that .

i'm counting on you to take care of Winry and Pinako

and of course yourself ,

When i'm gone ...

I love you little brother

Farewell ."

Those words were echoing in Roy's head , the sound of echo sounded just like as Edward himself was reading it from the paper . Ed didn't write alot , nor expressed any special feeling but love that also was written dully . But those words along with the box of pills were enough for Roy to understand that nobody did this to him. He was committing a suicide .

Only the thought about it made him feel shivers down his body , Ed was so young , he used to smile , but now the fire in his eyes was turned off , and...

Sudenly the sound of a door getting burst met his ears "Colonel !" a feminine voice was calling from the other side of the room " Are you okay ? " Riza stepped a few steps to the Colonel's spot who was standing almost numb . " What happened in here ?" she asked , trying to control the panic in her voice .

With shaking hands , Roy handed her the letter that was crampy and dried till now . She quickly scanned what was werriten on in . Her eyes got wider with every line they followed .

"Did he ? " her voice shook in nervousness . The man automatically nodded . The dim look at Ed's orbs gave made her feel shivers all over her body . She carfully stepped forward to try to talk to him . " It won't help , I tried " the man said in a lifeless tone .

She quietly cleared her throat " The madic told me they will get here as soo as they can ".

" Colonel , go rest at home . I'll take care of everything else " she nicely said and patted his shoulder in comfort " Everything will be allright you'll see ". He nodded but waited with her fir the medics to come .

"I'll call you when he wakes up , I'll fill the forms . You should just go and take a nap ." she reassuringly said , then left the room with the medics .

Roy stood there , froze ,he didn't know for how long . A cold sweat was trickling down his face and the back of his neck . It wasn't his fault , the voice of reason was screaming this in his mind . But in his heart , in his heart he felt a dull coldness that was spreading sowly down his body . He tried to be listen to the voice in his head , but the heart was stronger .

It was always like that . It was a law, it doesn't matter how strong the voice of reason was in vs battle the heart always was winning .

He should leave now , to tell the hotel owners what this racket was all about . After checking the room to see he didn't leave anything that was belong to Ed behind , he steeped outside , and with one last glance to his sides , gently closed the door shut .

"Ring .. riing " Roy slowly turned on his back , he was so tired when he got home that he didn't even change into his pyjama . He drowned right into the couch in the living room . Using his thumb ,he opened the lid of his pocket watch .. 7:52 am..

''Damn phone ! " he swore and quickly ran to catch it , but it didn't ring anymore . " Shit . Ring damnit ! " . A last than a second has passed and the phone did as it was ordered .

" Mustang speaking " he said in a deep stressed voice .

" Colonel ? .. are you allright " a feminine voice asked .

" Lieutenant ? .." he said automatically , there was a pause . Then he realized that she probably called him to report about Edward . " Did he wake up ?!" it all came into his mind at ones as he's shouting fearfully . By her tone it didn't sound like something good was happening.

"Yes sir , he did . Could you please come as soon as you can ?"

" Yes of course lieutenant , i'll be there soon " .

After taking a short shower , brushing his teeth , and wearing the first shirt , and pair of pants he could find in his closet , he ran down the hallway , leaving a dim light in his room , he didn't even know for what ,probably because he was in hurry ...

He quickly locked the door , then gathered up speed and walked . The hospital was pretty close to his apartment , he was thankful for that , at least that was what he felt . What could he say to Ed ? what does Riza thinks about it ... he hoped she didn't say anything to Alphonse ..

He stood up infront of the huge, glass , door . Roy slowly took a deep breath , then released it as alowly as it was taken . It was hard to see the teen that way , he hoped it won't be as hard to see him right now .

" Hello , could you please tell me where i could find Edward Elric's room ?" he leaned his elbow on the counter , waiting for an answer.

" Room no. 37 , second " she said kindely , and smiled at him widely .

"Thank you " he said , returning her a force smile , it was almost obvious that it was fake .

-

Roy climbed up the stairs , his heart was racing in his chest , as he got closer it was harder. When he got to the second floor he glanced around , about ten meters from his spot there were two women , one of them was Hawkeye .

"Good morning lieutenant " he said formally and stood beside them . " Good morning colonel " she replied , not sounding too happy . "I was about to explain his condition , colonel sir ". she said seriously as she's looking down to the hugged forms in her arms.

"Okay " he nodded , then folded his arms in impatience .

"The amount of pills that he was taking didn't effect him so badly . Yet the loosing of blood is almost drastic . Plus , he needs to clean his wounds two times a day , so there won't be any risk for infection .Of course the hospital provided it . I may suggest treatments of psychologist when he will be released ." I see " he mumbled and gazed at Riza who was gazing at him back , he could tell she was kind of nervous and tired .

" You can see him now " she gently tapped with her finger tips on the door , letting it slightly open she said " I think he's sleeping , so try to wake him up gently " then she moved out of their way .

The man slowly stepped into the room , fear was filling his heart almost to the fullest . He hoped that Ed was sleeping so he could check on him if he was allright , he wasn't so sure if he could bring himself to talk to the teen.

"Sir .." she whispered worriedly . " Lieutenant , could you please leave us alone for a little while , if you don't mind ? . His tone was calm , but his eyes were holding panic and pain .

" Yes sir " she nodded , she slowly stepped to the door , but before she left she whispered , loud enough for Mustang to hear " Don't be too harsh on him " .Roy watched her as she left the room , then gazed back to Ed . " Fullmetal ?" . The teen made no response , he was somehow emotionally numb .

"Ed , why did you do that ? " the dark man asked as he's bringing himself to sit down on the chair next to the bed . The teen only whimpered , his head bowed down as he's clenching his fists . The blood was rushing into Roy's head . Since the day he had lost Hughes he promissed to himself that he won't lose someone from his unit so fast , especially not from suicide .

Ed was his subordinate , he had seen him everyday . Why couldn't he see that the teen was suffering that much ?! he was infront of his eyes , it was so obvious . Right now he was angry , he was angry on himself for not seeing that coming ' I'm so stupid ... I had to pay more attention to his behavior ...' .

Even when he saw him that way , he had never thought this may happen .

It seemed like the time was'nt moving . They sat that way without moving for a long time , Roy couldn't take this silent anymore . He swiftly stood up , he grabbed Ed's automail arm and roared " Did you lose your fucking mind ?! did you really think it was the right decision ?! you reckless idiot ! " . He let go of the teen's arm , a shame was filling his body , it was'nt way how you treat someone in need . He shouldn't have yelled on him , after all he was mad only at himself .But now he could'nt take those words back to himself .

A sob broke from Ed's mouth . His eyes were opened wide , a shock and pain mixed up in them . " I ... I d don't " he stuttered fearfully .The words were swallowed by his slightly chocking throat as he's trying forcefully to talk . It scared him , his own reply scared him . ' Look what you did you idiot , you can't handle it right ' the man teased himself . " Ed " he sighed , then sat back on the seat .

" I'm sorry ,could you please tell me why did you do that to yourself ?" the man gently raised Ed's chin . The teen's golden orbs swam in unshed tears . It was hard to see him that way , he'd never was broken like that before .

Roy touched the dull metal of Ed's automail " Ed you know what sorrow is ..." .There was a pause " This automail is the result of a deep sorrow , your attempt of suicide was also the result of a endless sorrow " .

When Ed had finely gathred the courage to say anything it wasn't the answer Roy was expecting for " Why ? ... why didn't you respect my decision ? .. i wanted to end it all , why didn't you let me ? " he whispered , his words were drowning in pain.

Those words were burning deeply into his mind . He didn't expect Ed to thank him , but also didn't expect him to see him in this kind of light . " Think about Al .. he won't be able to live without you " he tried to be the voice of reason , but faild .

Ed tightened his fists and stared hatfully to the man " Why didn't you just let me die ?! " he screamed almost silently with all the strength he could gather . He tried to convince himself that he couldn't scream so loud because his throat was dry , but deep inside he knew that he was stopping himself from screaming at the man .

He wanted to hate him so much , after all it was all Mustang fault that he wasn't dead right now . But he couldn't .It was hard to hate him .

" I did it because .. I " he stopped , there was no way he could translate this feeling into words " I felt like nobody cares .It was like i'm alone " he gasped for more air . " If you were loosing me it wasn't that big of a deal ! you could write on your report that i died of sickness , nobody needs to know about that " he whimpered . " I felt like nobo- " he didn't have a chance to finish the sentenc because of the colonel who was cutting him right away " I care ! " he yelled loudly .

Silence filled the room , Roy didn't mean it to come out that way . Ed didn't even dare to think about that . He never thought that he'll hear that from someone , especially not from Mustang . They both were shocked from the man's angry react .

"We all care about you , Fullmetal , Think about it "

Mustang stood up and walked to the door's direction . He stood next to the door for almost a minute " Think about the people who care about you , they don't deseerve it" . He opened the door ,and, with one last glance over his shoulder , left .

' Shit ! ' the teen swore and hit with his automail fist against the mattress. Finely when he gathred the courage to do that , this jerk Mustang came in and saved him , he never asked him to do that ! . It wasn't fair , he wanted to end it , he wanted to die , he wanted to hate the colonel , but he couldn't . It was too hard , and it was getting harder as every second passes.

He blamed himself for everything . It always was easier to blame somebody else , but right now he blamed himself for everything . If he had noticed it before it was too late , Nina ( 1 ) would still be alive . If he didn't draw Alphonse to perform this humen transformation , then he didn't have to live six countless years inside this cold piece of armor . If he had'nt done that ( 2 ) Hughes would still be alive...

It was all so unfair ! he should've been dead right now , Nina and Hughes they deserved to live . All he lost by his own sin were arm and leg , those were nothing compare to Alphonse's , Nina , and Hughes and his family's losts .

Even the damn colonel lost his best friend , thanks to his recklessness . ' All those people .. they lost everything , thanks to my mistake .' he thought miserably .

Even at this , he was controlled by others.

"Al , Mr. Armstrong, dinner is ready !" the blond gaily smiled . " Come in you two , you seem exhausted " . She turned her back and walked inside . Al and Armstrong spent the afternoon on tarinings . It wasn't the same without Ed ..

But his brother had to stay in Central , for now .

When they stepped inside the smells of cakes filled their noses . Pinako quikcly ordered " Al go wash your hands " . Just like as if he was a soldier himself , he did as was bid . Al ran down the hallway leaving both Pinako and the major alone .

The old women took a deep breath , then sighed . " Major , you had a call from the colonel , Mustang .. is it his name ? . He sounded worry , i suggested to give you his messege for you when you come back but he refused hardly . He said it is a military business , and he would like to talk to you when you come back. " she paused and gave him a suspecting look .

The big man raised his hand and rubbed it against his chin " Well , if he says so .." he walked towards the phone , then he held it and dialed . " I'll be waiting for you at the table with Al and Winry " she turned her back and left .

It took about six rings before there was an answer at the other line .

" Hello ?" a voice said vaguely .

" Colonel Mustang , this is Major Armstrong speaking " he said in his daily tone. " Major .." Mustang stopped his lips were slightly shaking . " Ed .. Edward Elric . Fullmetal , he .. he committed a suicide two days ago " the man stuttered .

"What ?! " the big man said ,shock mixed in his voice " How did it happened ? " . A deep sighed was sounded from the other side of the line " We don't know what drew him to do that . Iv'e been talking to him but he asked me why i didn't let him just die .. " .

" I see " Armstrong seriously said . " I need you to keep an eye on Alphonse , don't let him know about that ." Mustang said in a voice that was slightly warning .

" I will " he nodded even though the colonel wasn't able to see him.

" Thank you for your supporting major . I'll give you a call when I find anything new about his condition that you should be reported."

Roy slowly hanged up , the first thing he'll do in the morning is to visit the teen ...

"Good morning Fullmetal , i brought you some food " the dark haired man said , trying to sound happy . The teen was lying on the bad , his head resting on his automail arm . He was pale , but right now it wasn't so bad . His face were'nt as pale as the face of the deads anymore . "Go away " the blond growled and turned his back to Mustang . " Ed .. " Roy sighed .. he really didn't want Ed to be that way . He somehow felt guilty .

He slowly walked over to the bed . Ed felt his body shaking with every step his ears met , he didn't hate the man nor was afraid of him , but he was afraid . He was afraid of handling his own answers , the colonel probably will ask him again about it , and right now he didn't have an answer . Ed sudenly felt two hands , sneaking beneath his armpit and then setting him into a sitting position . The teen was giving the man a ' look ' , then he closed his eyes shut and turned his head away .

"At least eat it " Roy felt the blood rushing from his heart , to anywhere in his body, but the head , he was so damn tired. He had no time to play that game . "I'm not hungry " the blond stated it , then folded his arms tightly in effort to strengthen his statement .

Roy took a deep breath and gazed at him " Fullmetal , you're going to eat this , if you want it , or not " . Roy took a sandwich out of the bag , forcefully trying to push it into the teen's mouth who was refusing with all his strength " I told you ! I'm not hungry" Ed roughly shook his head . He tried to get rid of the man's hand with no success .

Ed started to feel a bit sick to his stomach , he was suffering of nauseas and headache since he got to the hospital . But right now it was worse . The urge to throw up was climbing up his stomach ,and cramps were attacking his tummy " Please take it away , I'm going to be sick " he begged but the man paid it no mind .

"I mean it ! please I "

Finely the urge became into an action . Unable to keep it inside anymore, he threw up both on the colonel and himself . Roy sat on his seat , almost speechless , with a look that Ed had never seen before , in man's eyes . Ed couldn't recognize disgust in the man's eyes , nor anger , what was that ? . He grabbed the parts on the blanket that were'nt covered by vomitus, then wiped the man's face and clothes " I...I 'm sorry " he knotted his eye brows in a way that showed that he didn't mean it to end up that way .

"That's fine" Mustang mumbled and slowly put his palm over Ed's and lowered it . " I belive it was my fault " he said calmly , then smiled gently .

" Really I .." Ed couldn't say the rest .

"That's fine " the man nodded " I'll call the nurse to change your shits , you also need to take a shower " . Without looking to the teen's face , Roy swiftly walked out of the room .

Ed slowly lowerd his hand . The man was'nt angry with him , but how , and what was that look in his eyes anyway ? . It did seem like the man was worried sick to him , but could it really be ?

This question can wait for sometime else ...

First of all i want to thank you for reading this story :)

By this chapter i'm trying to show people that attempting can effect the people around . Roy blaming himself for lack of attention , and Ed blaming himself for things that happened to him that he could've prevented ,are part of the problem .

1) Nina - episodes 6-7 Tucker's daughter.

2) Hughes dies because he was helping to Ed ..