Everybody's favorite thing in the world is chores. Let's see how we can divide up every single one on the Halberd among thirty-five Brawl characters.
Math Problem of the Day
35 Brawl characters ÷ 18 chores = ?
Read on and find out the answer!
This chapter is dedicated to our friend Allison, who kicks all your butts at DDR and being totally awesome.
Side note: For this chapter only at each divider we set words in bold that either describe who you're following in the story or where that particular event is taking place in the story. Just to make it a bit easy, since it's so long. That is all.
Morning Mayhem
Sniff.
Link twitched in his bed. The blanket was drawn tight over him on the top bunk. You see, the night before both Links had had a furious, silent debate—with much threatening and rude hand gestures being ensued—over who got the top bunk. Toon Link got the bottom bed in the end, for in the words of his older counter-part: "Me, top dog. You, underdog. Me, top bed. You, under my bed. End of discussion."
Thus, life was good.
A warm smell crept under the locked door of their shared room. Link cracked open an eye lazily. "Food?" He glanced at the clock on the wall, shaped into the likeliness of a TriForce. It read 7:30 a.m.
Groaning, the older Link grudgingly sat up and sniffed the air hopefully. Something of the wolf he had been before he signed on with Brawl still lingered. Thus, he had superhuman sense of smell!
Without wasting a second he sprang off the bed and crashed onto the floor with an ear-splitting THUD. On the bed beside him Toon Link was still sleeping (How did he sleep through that racket?).
"Dude, food! Wake up! UP AN' AT 'EM!" Link shouted into Toon Link's ear. Toon Link jumped up and smacked his head on the top bunk before falling onto the floor with a whimper.
"What's WRONG with you?" he hissed, curling up in the fetal position. "It's too early to be up. You're insane... Falco hasn't even started squawking yet, which means that all good little children should be sleeping in. Good night."
With that said, Toon Link began to half-drag, half-crawl back in the direction of his own bed like some deformed inch worm.
"Since you're not a 'good little child' then you should be awake. Sniff the air!" Link offered.
Toon Link glared at him suspiciously. "What did you do, let one rip? I'm not smelling that!"
The other Link turned scarlet in the face. "No, you idiot!" he snapped edgily. (Link hasn't had his coffee yet. He's needs caffeine to function properly.) "It's...like this wonderful smell. Like some sort of pastry, all fluffy and light and..."
Now succeeding in dragging himself back into bed, Toon Link cracked open an eye and rolled it with exasperation. "You were dreaming. Besides, this flying metal death trap wouldn't smell like a bakery. More like poison, or—or whatever else Meta Knight keeps on this thing..." He yawned pointedly and curled up in a ball (fluffy green pajamas and all!).
Link jumped to his feet and grabbed Toon Link by the shirt collar. Swinging him around ("I'm getting dizzy!"), Link shoved him face first against the door.
"Sniff!"
"No!"
"Sniff it!"
"NO!"
Link sighed. "Fine," he growled, dropping the younger version so that he hit the floor. Hard.
"Oww!" Toon Link wailed, clutching his left knee. "I think you dislodged it or something..." Taking deep breaths, he snarled, "I'm telling Zelda what you did and—what?" He had finally breathed in whatever Link had scented with his canine-like senses, and a dawning look of comprehension flooded his round face. "Do you smell that?"
Link slapped a hand over his forehead. "Yes," he groaned, "that's what I've been trying to tell you!"
"What are we waiting for then?" Toon Link gasped. "Let's go!"
He jumped to his feet at once, all pain in his left knee forgotten, and quite promptly rammed into the still-shut door. Dazed, he stumbled back a few steps and fell over again with another ringing bang.
"You dolt... Try opening the door next time. It's that dungeon thing all over again, I swear... You get used to just walking up and having the key magically unlock it for you and then break..." Swearing profusely with his Meta Knight-free moment, Link unlocked the door with a loud click and pried it open. It transpired that both Links were not the only two awoken by the smell of food cooking.
Lucario had poked his head out his own room, blinking sleep out of his eyes. Unlike both Links' identical green pajamas, the Aura Pokémon was simply wearing rather fluffy pink bunny slippers with ears and tail to boot! Toon Link sniggered openly.
"Nice slippers, Lucario," he joked, walking out of the room with his older counter-part in tow.
Lucario glared. "They were a gift!" he gasped indignantly, hands on his hips and tail lashing.
Link waved a hand breezily. "Ease up," he yawned, stretching; "it was only a joke..."
"You guys smelled it too?" a new voice asked.
All three glanced over their shoulders to see Samus closing the door to her room behind her. Suit off, she was wearing instead dark, baggy-looking navy-blue lounge pants and a formfitting pale t-shirt. Hair pulled back in a classic ponytail, she waved.
"Yeah, I woke up thinking Marth had started a fire in our room and I realized it was coming from outside." Lucario shrugged. "What drew you outside?"
"The explosion from both Links' room," Samus answered. "It sounded like somebody had crashed the Halberd trying to land it on a pointy mountaintop while they were drunk."
Toon Link grinned sheepishly, mumbling, "Sorry, but..." He shot Link and accusatory glare that practically screamed HE DID IT.
Link smiled, a dreamy look flitting over his face. "Something wonderful," he breathed happily, and Toon Link took several frightened steps against the wall. "I smelled all of this, I dunno—like—food, as if somebody had chucked a Party Ball in an oven and all the gross, high calorie stuff inside was cooking. It was sortta flaky"— he made vivid, wild hand gestures —"but more like a pastry, and I thought I got a whiff of sausage, or some kind of meat—"
"You can smell all of THAT?" Samus asked incredulously, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. "You can tell all of that from just catching a bit of whatever the hell that is from your room?"
"It's his freaky dog thing!" Toon Link yelped dramatically, pointing. "Ever since he got to turn into that wolf by that black imp thing all his senses got heightened and stuff. It's...it's just so wrong! It's not normal!"
Samus and Lucario both tilted their heads to the left.
Link narrowed his eyes, instinctively reaching for the hilt of his sword, forgetting that he had left it on his dresser in his haste to eat. "Why you little—" He stopped and took a skip forward, sniffing the air hopefully. "I smell fruit!" he sang. (If you have ever watched Bambi, think of the term "Twitter pated.") "Fruit and sizzling meats and baking pastries! COME!" Link beckoned imperiously, skipping around the corner and out of sight.
"He's doing it again..." Toon Link whined, making a face.
Samus scowled. "Can't you two just lay off each other—?"
"HEY!" Mario poked his head out of the room a few doors down, narrowing his eyes. "What are you doing, making all that noise? I wake up hearing the words 'dog' and 'food' being practically yelled in my ear. Don't you consider other people? Jeez."
Lucario and Samus both pointed at Toon Link. The green-capped mini rolled his eyes. "Whoop-dee-doo, it's that old Chinese proverb again: 'Everything goes back to Toon Link.'"
Mario snorted with laughter. "What's up?" he asked in a more good-natured way than previously, shutting the door behind him with a quiet creak. The Italian plumber donned red-blue, -striped gingham pants and matching nightshirt with a large coffee stain on the front, and something red that could have been blood (or ketchup, that lazy slob). But of course, the most VITAL ASSET: His famous M-logo hat. He never went anywhere without his hat.
"The other Link smelled something and went to investigate." Lucario yawned, revealing sharpened teeth that he regularly filed. He stared curiously at the hat on top of Mario's hair and gave a cough. "Don't you every take that thing off—"
"NO!" Mario burst out so quickly that Samus, Toon Link and Lucario jumped. "I mean—um, no, I don't..." He shifted his trademark logo now known world-wide in over six different continents.
There followed a long, awkward silence, only broken when Link's head reappeared around the corner. He jabbed at his chest before saying, "You! Me! Kitchen! NOW!" and vanished again. They could distinctly hear him tapping his foot.
Samus gave a feeble sigh. "It seems we have no choice, and hey, I'm already up." She jerked her arms to her sides and swayed them in timing to her footsteps, half-walking down the hall, half-skipping. "C'mon!"
Mario went after with a mutter that sounded like "Why me?" As Toon Link made to follow the group he saw Lucario's gaze fixed after Samus, following her until she rounded the corner with Mario. His face split into an evil grin.
"Sorry, Lucario, buddy," he sang as he walked past, "but trans-species relationships don't work out too well..."
For a moment the Aura Pokémon looked dumbfounded, his mouth gaping open in a comical O shape as if he had been slammed. "How dare you!" he snarled after a moment of quick thinking, bounding after Toon Link with a flustered expression. "I'd never—you little git—"
"Checking out women now, eh, Lucario?" His malevolent grin didn't vanish as he chuckled darkly. "Chozo women? Not a bad choice, mi amigo. I guess female Pokémon are kind of ugly. But don't worry; your secret's safe with me..."
"I have no secrets!" Lucario protested haughtily, lashing his long, spiked tail. "I was...I was just..." But unable to come up with a defense for himself, he simply fell into an embarrassed and fervent silence. Toon Link skipped along at Lucario's side as they rounded the same corner, following the other three ahead rather by sound than sight. Their footfalls heavily rang over the metallic flooring.
Whistling merrily, the younger Link flashed Lucario a cheeky grin. "Wait till I tell Samus you were checking out her ass—"
Meanwhile
"...so whatever Meta Knight has planned for us today has to be hell, right?" Mario said casually, walking alongside Samus and Link. Link was now pausing at regular intervals to sniff the air and floor like a bloodhound, leading them down random corridors with brief, punctuating statements such as : "This way!" or "I know it's here somewhere!"
Due to the Halberd's vast size they had gotten lost.
Before Samus could answer there was an ear-splitting BANG! like a cannon being blasted off (or twelve cannons). The noise seemed confined to their section of the ship, however, so the three highly doubted that any other of the slumbering Brawl characters would have heard it.
"What the heck was that?" Link explained, his eyes widening like full moons. "It sounded like a fight! Let's go help them out—"
"Oh, no," Samus snapped, catching Link by the shirt collar as he tried to brush past. "You two: STAY HERE. I'll go check on whatever that was." Snorting, she backtracked with a clear: "More fighting this early in the morning?" being heard over her departing shoulder. Carefully she edged along the walls.
"Damn," she cursed, "the one time I forget to wear my suit... Okay." Samus padded around the corner to confront the loud noises. "Whoever it is better have some sense to—to..." Speechless, Samus gaped at the scene that had magically unfolded before her bed-rested eyes:
Lucario had wrestled Toon Link into a headlock and was attempting to strangle him, while Toon Link was mere inches away from the Pokémon's arm, about to sink his teeth in what was clearly a bite. Something about the scene reminded her about a nature video she had seen on Animal Planet, where a trapped coyote had tried to gnaw its leg off. Samus blinked.
"Am I interrupting something here?" she asked cautiously, backing up a step.
"Yes!" "No!" came both replies at once. Lucario and Toon Link glared at each other.
"What is it, Samus?" Link's voice called from down the opposite hallway.
"Uhh... Nothing." Samus, disgusted, turned around with an answering yell: "Just two morons ducking it out."
"Ooh! Which morons?" came Mario's echoing voice.
"Lucario and Toon Link! Now pick up the pace," said Samus with an air of disdain before heading backward again.
Grudgingly Lucario released his hostage, looking mutinous and disappointed.
"I'll catch you when there's no Samus to save your skin," Lucario threatened as he stalked past.
"You mean your girlfriend?" Toon Link wolf-whistled.
Lucario's death glare sent Toon Link scampering after Samus, Link and Mario. Satisfied, the Aura Pokémon trotted after him to find the group now assembled between the kitchen and conference room doors, having finally found the way. There was a welcome mat on the ground with a very hellish smile that could make babies cry. Link was bent onto both knees and sniffing the door crack enthusiastically.
"This is it!" he cried with triumph, standing up. "Prepare to meet FOOD!" Saying this, he pushed open the kitchen doors and came to an abrupt halt with the effect of everybody bumping into him from behind.
"Whoa."
"Holy mamma mia..."
"..."
"How does somebody say '...', anyway?"
But nobody answered Samus, as they were too mesmerized by the heaping wallop of breakfast buffet to answer. Stacked on the icy gray-blue tiled counter was a huge assortment of pitchers, bowls, dishes, silverware and food. Food. FOOD!
"Dude, I think I just died, because this is Heaven," whispered Toon Link.
"Its glory is so awe-inspiring," Link gasped, basking in the presence of the food.
"I think I just went blind," said a very confused Mario.
"But how?" Lucario asked, being the voice of reason. He was the only one unfazed by the holiness of the food mountain.
Link's nose twitched.
Sniff.
Link spun on his heels and walked around the counter to see a very familiar, round, pink person. "KIRBY?"
Yes, it's everybody's second favorite Star Warrior (Meta Knight beat him in the polls), wearing a long, white chef's cap and white apron, flipper in one hand and a frying pan in the other held precariously above a burning stove. Apparently multi-tasking was one of Kirby's hidden skills, because the pink puffball was not only preparing the eggs at the same time, but still somehow flipping pancakes with his other hand.
"What is it, Link—?" Samus began to say as she appeared at his side, but trailed off rather into a weak, stunned fatigue at the sight of Kirby. "Oh my..."
Mario, Toon Link and Lucario all appeared behind the others with surprised looks.
"Look," Lucario pointed out rather unnecessarily, raising a trembling hand, "he's actually making the food and not eating it..."
"My Heaven just became hell, and hell has frozen over," Toon Link mumbled, gawking.
"How is this stunning miracle possible?" Samus breathed, asking no one in particular.
"I made it possible!" came a rather forceful, cheery voice from behind them. The group jumped as one, coming face-to-face with Meta Knight. The Star Warrior looked tired but highly pleased.
Link poked Meta Knight on the mask, as if this was all an incredibly realistic dream.
"Hell just dropped ten degrees. Meta Knight's happy, and Meta Knight is never happy..." Toon Link whispered. Bending lower, Link peered into Meta Knight's yellow eyes with a Sherlock Holmes look to his pointed face. "It looks like our dictator, but it's simply too happy to be him."
This was an understatement. The "happiness" on Meta Knight's face moments ago had been melted off into a scowl.
Link grabbed him by the cloak and shook him violently. "What have you done to our Meta Knight?" he screamed loudly, shaking the cloak-wearing knight back and forth with extreme speed. Meta Knight didn't react instantly, but rather remained limp and looked even more pissed off.
"Oh, wait—there we go, he looks miserable again..." Mario said calmly, slapping Link's wrists off of the Star Warrior.
"What has our great leader accomplished to make him so joyous that it's actually frightening?" Toon Link asked obnoxiously, while Lucario and Samus both slapped hands over their faces in the background.
Meta Knight took an appropriate step back and dusted himself off. "I suppose you've noticed that Kirby is restraining himself from devouring the kitchen, fridge and all," he explained, taking a deep, calming breath so that he wouldn't start beating them all around the head with Galaxia.
Many "oh's" followed this comment.
To answer the "how" part, Meta knight reached into his cloak and took out two things: a spatula with a bite mark in it, and a Smash Ball.
"See the beauty of it all?" he asked them in a rather haughty, smug voice.
Samus scratched the back of her head. "Honestly, no."
Meta Knight sighed in exasperation. "His Final Smash is his cooking form. Think!"
After this silence they all rubbed their chins in a look of strained contemplation, but no one seemed to get it. And now, we ask you, the readers, if you understand how this great level of achievement was obtained?
Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think ThinkThink Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think Think
Okay, are you done thinking now? Because Lucario figured it out, even if you guys didn't.
"He ate the Smash Ball and spatula, turned into his cooking version and due to his tiny brain's thinking capacity he was only able to focus on the sole task of preparing the food rather than eating it," Lucario answered without taking breath in what was possibly the second-greatest run-on sentence ever devised.
Meta Knight nodded, making the usual clicky sound his armor always made whenever he moved. "Exactly."
"So Kirby can't think of anything?" Mario asked in disbelief. As if to test this theory, he took a hand and waved it in front of Kirby's face (Kirby was now using an egg beater). The Star Warrior didn't react in the slightest.
"Oh, he can think, he's just too preoccupied to care or really notice," Meta Knight replied. To help a very dumbfounded-looking Link, Toon Link and Mario understand, he added: "You could set him on fire and he wouldn't give it a second thought."
"Really?" Both Links exchanged looks of twin delight.
"Try it, though, and you might end up as what we're serving for breakfast," Meta Knight added threateningly.
After a few seconds of mortified silence Samus spoke: "How the heck did you coax him to eat both?"
"Well, originally I was going to cook, it being the first day"— ("I'm glad he didn't," whispered Mario, "he might have tried to poison the food...") —"and Kirby, like you guys, was attracted by the smell and came down to the kitchen, attempting to eat everything. So I came up with this clever little plan; and while he was trying to suck up a nearby chair I threw both in his mouth."
Lucario gave an impressed look. "That was brilliant of you," he stated bluntly.
"I was successful both times," Meta Knight added cheerfully, as if an afterthought.
"What was the second time?" Samus yawned.
The warrior gave them a vicious look. "You five."
"Us?" they all echoed.
"Yes, you," he snapped. "Now that you're here you may as well help."
Link suddenly yawned. "Oh, look at the time, breakfast isn't for nearly another forty-five minutes or so. Here, you guys can go cook and I'll go rest my eyes—See ya!"
The Ordon adolescent made a dive for the open door, but, sadly, Lucario had stuck out his foot and tripped him. With several loud crashes Link hit the counter head-long, and in doing so knocked over a precariously balanced jug of apple juice, which crashed over his head. Clear-colored and round, Link looked as though he had a fish bowl stuck to his head. He might have been a long-lost cousin of Olimar's.
"Get me out of here!" he cried in an odd-ringing, muffled sort of voice, while he worked fervently to yank it off his head. Kirby scowled angrily. The puffball didn't appreciate his cooking being ruined...
"STOP IT! STOP MAULING ME, YOU—OWW!" Evidently, Kirby had taken it as a personal insult and started beating the crap out of Link.
"Kirby, get back to work!" Meta Knight called. "It doesn't take a lot of effort to pour juice."
Glowering at Link, Kirby stomped back over to the stove and began flipping flapjacks. Samus, meanwhile, began to laugh hysterically at Link, who now had bruises all over him.
"Tell you what," she winked (Lucario fidgeted slightly), "you help us set the table, and I'll get that thing off in a few minutes..."
Link made a very rude hand gesture at her. "I hate you all," he sobbed, grudgingly picking himself up off the floor and wincing. "Man, Kirby can pack a punch..."
And so, for the next forty-some, uneventful minutes they took food out into the long-tabled conference room, setting up plates, cups, and generally bring out the smorgasbords of yummies.
At about 8:20 a.m., Zelda, Peach and Pit had awoken and entered the conference room, their sleepy faces popping with amazement as Toon Link carried out sausages.
Hallelujah music began playing in the background. It was Pit's theme song! Obviously.
Everyone glanced at Pit.
"Sorry," he mumbled sheepishly, grinning, "I hate it when that happens..." He snapped his fingers and the music died down almost instantly. He pointed accusingly at Mario.
"You could have woken me up!"
"You were asleep, so why should I have bothered you?" Mario pointed out reasonably.
Pit grinned.
"Who made all of this food?" Peach wondered aloud, beaming around at the tabletop.
A/N: Oh, wait, we've gotta stop and tell you guys everything Kirby managed to cook: sausages, pancakes, waffles, assorted fruits, ham, bagels, biscuits, kipper, eggs (scrambled, hard-boiled, and omelets), toast, oatmeal, porridge, a loaf of bread, and in the center of the table four massive jugs, loaded with orange juice, apple juice, milk and lemonade.
Kirby, who was now coming into the room with a tea tray (Meta Knight opened his mouth to say something and thought better of it), paused beside Peach to offer her a cup.
"Poyo!"
"Aww!" Peach squealed, accepting a cup. Mario gave a snort and looked away. "You did all of this? For us? That's so sweet! And you look adorable with the hat; it really complements your eyes..."
Zelda rolled her eyes in a good-humored way and agreed (though with a less sugary voice), "Thank you, Chef Kirby."
Kirby beamed at them both and saluted with a very solemn nod. "Poyo."
Link had to stuff a napkin in his mouth to stop himself from giggling. Toon Link, grinning from ear-to-ear, called over breezily, "You guys forgot to thank Meta Knight! He was the one who started this little gig, after all."
Putting on a slavish look, he turned in his seat to face the Star Warrior at the other end of the table. "Did you help with making da food, twoo?" he said in a mock-baby voice.
Toon Link's hat sailed off his head as Galaxia caught it on tenterhooks, pinning it to the wall behind him by the tip.
Meta Knight gave Toon Link a look that scorched. "Want to run that by me again?"
Unable to stop himself, Link began to howl with laughter and pound his fists on the table. Samus shot him a dirty look from across the table. So it wasn't surprising when a few seconds later Link's eyes screwed up and he doubled-over, wailing.
"Who aimed the kick?" Pit asked with the general air of one commenting on the weather.
Samus smirked.
"Ah," came a noise of understanding from Zelda, looking appreciative, as she, Pit and Peach all took their seats. "Nice aim..."
"I won't baby-talk you, dude," Pit informed Meta Knight, looking anxious. "Though I could curtsey for you, if you wanted..."
He, too, then let out a yelp and knelt over in his chair. Mario's eyes watered with restrained laughter as Peach gave him a warning look.
"That one was mine," the Mushroom Kingdom's princess answered to the many bewildered looks. Nods of understanding followed this statement.
"Can we eat now?" Lucario asked mildly.
"No," Meta Knight answered curtly. "We'll wait for everybody else to join us."
Their discussion subsided into silence, mainly due to the fact that Toon Link and Pit were both rendered silent by the kicks they had received. It was revived fairly quickly, however, as four new voices floated through the door:
"Can't you guys just forgive me already? I said I was sorry, like, a million times!"
The door to the conference room burst open as Ike and Marth slouched in, followed by Olimar, his loyal Pikmin trailing after him. A few seconds later Ash's head peeked around the door frame.
After yesterday's "mishap" the four victims of the fatale Revives had turned cold-shoulders to Ash. Yoshi was still asleep. The other three, however, displayed the marks of their casualties from the previous evening:
Because Oilmar's eyes had not quite returned to their natural color he was wearing a pair of sunglasses in the helmet. What eye color his eyes had turned, you may ask? Well, nobody really knew, as we think it was the undiscovered thirteenth color on the color wheel. Ike's tongue, however, had turned a vivid orange color. Thus, he had been forced to suck on a cherry icicle pop for four hours before it looked red enough to be deemed normal.
Marth, however, looked perfectly unharmed. This struck them all as odd, as Marth's face had erupted into painful, angry-looking purple blisters.
Marth was still speaking edgily over his shoulder to Ash, however, oblivious to the other ten Brawl characters sharing the same room: "—I had to put on twenty pounds of makeup before I could finally clear up that stupid rash your toxic medicine gave me!"
Mario made a face. "It looks fine to me."
"Of course it does," Marth snapped. "I stole Peach's makeup to put my beautiful face right and—"
"YOU DID WHAT?" Peach hissed, her eyes narrowing to a vicious cat-likeness that made the Lowell prince freeze.
"I...mean, that I...borrowed it...without asking," Marth answered evasively, taking a seat opposite of Toon Link (now fully recovered).
Peach flushed a red-pink color on her face. "You had no right," she snarled at him. "Meta Knight!" she cried, "didn't you say there was a rule or something about that...?"
The Star Warrior shrugged. "Did I say that?" he asked casually, not bothering to look up. "No, I said no one was really allowed to camp out together except for roommates; there's no rule about going off into another person's room and ransacking their stuff."
Peach gave a thunderous yell that made them all jump: "WHAT?"
Meta Knight plowed on. "I wouldn't be able to tell you, anyway. My book went missing..."
"Who'd steal that piece of CRAP?" Olimar asked nobody in particular.
Before somebody could kick him, however, two more voices joined theirs, answering Olimar's question: "...No, Fox, I don't want to hear rule number five hundred and seventy-eight!"
"But, Falco!" Fox's insistent voice whined. "This one's cool! There's a part two for what to do if someone has a heart attack while juggling flaming upside down cakes! And here it says that you're not allowed to look at internet porn after eight p.m.! Weird, huh? And here it says that—"
"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" Falco roared as he stomped into the conference room and threw himself into the chair beside Peach. "Help me!" he sobbed dryly. "Fox has been keeping me up since three a.m. reading out of that stupid text book!"
"They're not—well, at least the book isn't boring!" Fox said hotly, following after him. The ginger-furred Star Fox trooper took the seat on Toon Link's right and threw the dusty volume onto the tabletop, causing all the dishes to rattle.
"Oh." Meta Knight starred at his rule book. "That's where it went."
"Yep," Fox stretched, "I borrowed it for some bedtime reading. Gawd, what's up with some of these rules, anyway?" he demanded, flipping through the pages. "Rule number two hundred and forty-four's just not right. It says: 'Under no circumstances shall open heart surgery be performed inside the Halberd, outside the Halberd, or on top of the Halberd.'"
Ash and Ike began to chuckle appreciatively as Meta Knight pulled his cloak up around him more tightly. "It's simple: Every rule has a reason. Every reason has a rule. And both correspond with having happened and forcing me to record such atrocities."
"So someone really did die of a heart attack while juggling flaming upside down cakes?" Zelda blurted out, nonplused.
"Yes," Meta Knight replied coolly. "That was little Jimmy's brother, big Al."
Nobody spoke until DK, Diddy, Sonic, Snake and Wolf entered the kitchen next, still wearing their pajamas.
"Cool," the cardboard box said sleepily, taking a seat near the more vacant end of the table.
Diddy rolled his eyes.
"Nobody's going to assassinate you during breakfast, Snake," the monkey squeaked. (He does have a kind of squeaky, shrieking voice, doesn't he?) "You can come out now."
"No."
Samus and Mario swapped exasperated looks but didn't say anything.
Meanwhile Wolf had taken the nearest spoon into his hand.
"We're not eating yet," Ash warned.
"It's not for eating," Wolf answered, comparing the sharpness of his fork and knife now.
"Then WHAT?" Ike asked nervously, suddenly getting an idea. "If it's for suicide, then I'd go with the knife, personally..."
"No suicide at the table," Meta Knight growled. "Take it outside."
"I'm not suicidal!" Wolf grizzled, putting his knife down and deciding on his spoon. With all eyes fixed upon him he then proceeded to use the poor spoon as a backscratcher.
Peach twitched. "Please don't do that. It's so vile!" Apparently, using silverware as a backscratcher was also punishable by law in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Wolf continued to rub himself ferociously with his spoon. "I woke up this morning feeling like something was biting me..."
Lucario raised a brow. "What, is it a skin problem?"
In spite of himself, Wolf sneered mockingly. "I didn't get sprayed with a Pokémon Revive last night, so no, I doubt it's that."
Ash gave a despairing, glum sigh and smacked his head into the table as Pit had done the previous day. "Why—can't—you—guys—just—drop—it?"
An thought suddenly came to Olimar. "Aren't you going to let your Pokémon out to eat?"
Ash looked up. "Why would I do that?"
Lucario bristled angrily. "You can't starve them!" he growled, his fists suddenly blazing with a blue, flaming aura.
"I don't," Ash answered breezily. "I feed them—about once a month..."
Under the quelling, indignant look Lucario was giving him (the same one he had given Toon Link) Ash reluctantly took out his three Poké Balls.
"Go!"
Out came Charizard, Ivysaur and Squirtle, each landing in an unoccupied chair except for Squirtle, who had the misfortune of landing with one foot in the apple juice jug.
Kirby glared at Squirtle with deepest loathing. He still was wearing his apron and chef's hat.
"Eww," Link grimaced, as Squirtle removed his pudgy foot out of the apple juice. "I am not drinking that now... It's Squirtle juice, not apple juice."
The Tiny Turtle Pokémon looked highly insulted as he waddled back into the seat on Ivysaur's left. Ash frowned.
"Hey, man, if you insult my Pokémon you're insulting me..."
"Really?" Link brightened up. "Well, then, Charizard—you're fat. Ivysaur—you're ugly."
Trainer and Pokémon alike gave him menacing looks from across the table.
"Charizard," Ash yelled, making everybody jump, "use Flamethrower!"
However, in his angered state Charizard's aim was notoriously poor, and thus he set the ham on fire instead.
Kirby looked delighted. "Kirby!" Kirby cried, pointing at the ham, which was now sizzling and cooking, setting off tiny sparks.
For five minutes everyone "ooohed" and "aaahed" as if they were at a fireworks display. Only when the ham was put out did Snake notice through the eye holes in his cardboard box that DK was writing something.
"Hey, DK, what's that?"
DK didn't answer, but instead took the piece of duct tape he had been writing on with a sharpie marker and held it up to the light. Satisfied with something, the ape merely shrugged and put the label on the apple juice pitcher: Squirtle juice — highly toxic.
Everybody except Ash, Meta Knight and the Pokémon joined in the laughter. Gradually the conference room filled up with last-minutes stragglers: Mr. Game and Watch and R.O.B., Sonic, Ness and Lucas, Captain Falcon and Jigglypuff, Pikachu and the Ice Climbers, and finally Yoshi and Luigi. Yoshi's side effects included a darker shade of green for his skin. The dinosaur greeted everybody except Ash enthusiastically; instead, he gave him an annoyed look and took the seat farthest from an overly-apologetic Ash.
"Can we eat NOW?" Pit begged. "I swear to God, that ham is mocking me."
Meta Knight waved his hands. "Dig in."
Everybody responded by helping themselves to the food eagerly, loading up their plates with content smiles. Happy, well-fed Brawl characters meant non-violent Brawl characters.
Kirby had meanwhile stood up and taken the tray of sausages into his hands, walking around to allow everybody dibs at the breakfast meat.
Popo, munching on a biscuit, was the first one to notice that Kirby's apron had something scribbled on it. "Hey," he called down to Peach, who was currently be served by the minute Star Warrior. "What's that on the apron he's wearing?"
Peach blinked in surprise. "I don't know," she answered curiously, accepting a sausage link from Kirby. Glancing down she realized what the text said: "'Kiss the cook.'" Below it, a print of Kirby's face. There was a ™ after the sentence, so she assumed that it meant "trademark." Apparently Kirby had gone and got a copyright for his signature so it couldn't be stolen by some rival gaming company or cheap Kirby-con artists.
Peach clasped her hands together. "That's so cute! Oh, thank you, Kirby!" Jealously watched by Mario, Peach pecked Kirby on the forehead. The tiny kiss left a lipstick imprint like something your grandmother might have done after smooching. Kirby gave a delighted cry and proceeded around the table, this time approaching Zelda's side (meanwhile, watched by Pikachu, Ness and Diddy).
"Thanks," Zelda beamed, taking a piece and imitating Peach. Link, who had been in an animated discussion with Mr. Game and Watch over Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, raised his milk glass to his lips when he noticed the Hyrullian princess's transaction. The cup in his hand broke and shattered, sending glass scattering over the tabletop.
R.O.B. didn't react as it hit his metallic face and clunked off. "Oww."
Meanwhile, Snake, who had been coaxed out of his cardboard box by Popo and Nana, gave a shrill, girlish scream as a few pieces came down his end of the table.
"ASSASSINATION!" he screamed, and before anyone could protest he dove back into the box he seemingly pulled out of thin air.
"Jeez!" Toon Link scoffed, wiping milk and glass out of his hair. "Firm grip, I see..."
Link seethed. "That obnoxious puffball..." he hissed in a fierce undertone.
Ike, feeling a tug on his pajama sleeve, looked around his waist until his eyes met Kirby's. Kirby raised the tray for Ike to take a sausage. "Thanks," he yawned as he carelessly took a sausage from the platter. Kirby didn't move away, however, but continued to peer at Ike expectantly.
"Huh? No, thanks, I don't want anymore."
Kirby didn't even blink. It was really starting to creep Ike out...
"Why can't you go serve someone else? Go, shoo!"
Kirby eyed him beadily.
"Why won't you leave?" seethed Ike, looking disdainful and slightly terrified. "What do you want? A tip?"
"Read the apron, genius," Sonic sniggered.
Intrigued, the blue-haired swordsman bent his head slightly to read the text sprawled across.
Kiss the cook. ™
"Like hell I would," Ike snorted, taking his spoon and scooping a large mouthful of porridge into his mouth until his cheeks reached exploding point. "Why de 'ell 'ood I oow 'at?" It was amazing they could understand him at all with all that food crammed in his bulging, hamster-like mouth.
Kirby's eyes began to water.
"Hey, Mr. Sensitivity," R.O.B. growled, "show a bit more compassion."
Ike raised a keen brow. "Why?" He swallowed his breakfast and prepared to take another spoonful. "It's not like I'm in his debt or anything..."
"He made you breakfast!" Lucas pointed out quietly.
Ike shrugged. "Everybody has to make it at some point..."
"Want a better reason?" Captain Falcon called down the table.
"Like what?"
The captain pointed at Kirby.
Surprised, Ike reluctantly turned his head once more. Kirby's large, friendly face was now screwed up with sticky tears that gathered in the corner of his eyes, ready to spill down his protuberant face. His mouth was open in a tiny oval shape, and he was making an odd, spastic sniffling noise that sounded like a kinder gardener about to have an asthma attack. Ike inched his chair a few feet away, bumping elbows with Falco.
"Is he gonna start crying—"
Kirby let out a pitiful sobbing noise that turned heads in their direction.
"Ike!" Ness cried, looking sullen-faced. "What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything!" Ike began to protest. "He's just blubbering!"
Kirby let out a louder cry that attracted to him many looks of concern like some human pity-magnet.
Jigglypuff glowered at Ike with ultimate dislike. "Jiggly! Jiggly, jig, puff!"
Lucario translated: "She said that you're being an asshole."
Ike gave an indifferent yawn, looking unfazed underneath their gilded glares. "That's what my parents said, but do you see me looking concerned? No. Hey," he said to Kirby, "you're giving me a headache, Pinky!" He then lowered his right hand and flicked Kirby on the face lightly.
Kirby's eyes widened to exploding capacity, in danger of falling out of their sockets.
Meta Knight frowned at him with a warning look. "You really shouldn't have done that."
"Why? Is he gonna—"
Screwing up his face, Kirby gave a heart-wrenching, ear-splitting wail that shattered almost all of the cups along the table. Everybody clapped their hands over their ears as one. The noise was so deafening that Luigi actually toppled out of his seat. Even Lucario's Future Sight attack couldn't have foreseen this coming.
"Make it stop, make it STOP!" Pit begged.
Wolf dug his claws into his highly sensitive canine ears. "Can't you shut him off?" he howled.
Meta Knight winced. "I told you," he spat at Ike, who looked most in suffering, being directly next to Kirby.
"What is that, a built-in burglar alarm?" DK screeched.
Meta Knight gave a sarcastic, half-exasperated laugh. "Neglect is a really bad thing to give Kirby!" he yelled over the horrendous wailing.
"You IDIOT!" Nana snapped. "Kiss him and maybe he'll stop!"
"No!"
"YES!" the whole room bellowed back in unison.
"Nothing could make me touch that blob!" Ike snarled.
The volume of Kirby's insane crying increased, causing a crack to run diagonally across Olimar's helmet.
"Do it!" Samus snapped.
"NO!" Ike replied sniffily, propping his feet up on the table and crossing his arms.
"Just give him a peck on the head!" Meta Knight snapped. "And that's a direct order!"
"Said the four-foot tall knight," Marth screamed over the louder still outcries of Kirby.
Meta Knight narrowed his eyes threateningly. Reaching into his cloak, he took out a pair of earmuffs, which he then gloatingly put around his helmet. (Dude? WTF? How does that even help? He's wearing ARMOR!)
"Fine. I can wait, though sadly none of you can..."
More cups and glasses along the table exploded.
Fox, tearing at his head fur in a deranged sort of way, begged, "Just do it! PLEASE! Give him a hug at least!"
Ike cracked open at eye. "Fine," he yelled waspishly, gingerly unfolding his arms.
Ike bent down next to the hysterical Star Warrior and nervously put his left arm around him and patted Kirby with his right hand on the forehead. "Umm... there, there..."
Kirby's shrieking dropped dramatically, though salty tears still trickled down his face. He sniffled heavily, as if he had a head cold.
Zelda glowered daggers at Ike. "Apologize!"
Ike gave her a look of mild indignant dislike. "I'm not surrendering my pride that easily..."
"I could beat it out of you, if you'd like," Mario suggested thoughtfully, scratching his chin. Beyond him, Peach beamed fondly. The plumber merely said this to get back in Peach's good books, but, hey, everybody likes violence. It was a win-win deal.
Kirby gave a snuffly cry and tugged at Ike's pajama sleeves. It was pathetic.
"Fine," Ike huffed, pulling a face as he turned to eye the Star Warrior.
Taking a deep breath, he muttered a very inaudible "sorry..."
"Didn't quite catch that." Captain Falcon grinned. "Try saying it a whee bit louder..."
A vein throbbed on Ike's temple. "Don't go pushing my buttons..." he snarled. Kirby sniffled loudly. Yoshi and Falco looked scared.
"Pikaaaa!" Pikachu sang.
"Pikachu thinks you should say it more loudly," R.O.B. quoted, nodding.
Ike panted slightly, looking like a somewhat deranged dog with a mean temper and rabies. Barring his teeth, the blue-haired swordsman gave a great yelp: "Fine, fine, FINE! I'm SORRY! Happy?" His left eye had developed an unseemly twitch.
Everybody gave him a gaping, speculating look of appraisal. A few seconds of ringing silence followed these highly pronounced word before it was broken by a single word from Luigi: "Kirby."
"Kirby what?" Ike asked testily, glancing at the pink puffball. Kirby's watery space had split into a jubilant smile, and before Ike could say, "What the—?" Kirby pounced; quite literally, for the tiny Star Warrior sailed at Ike in an über glomp that knocked both to the floor.
The whole room responded with roaring laughter. Zelda gave a hearty laugh. "Aww, look, I think he forgives you..."
This was an overstatement. Kirby was now hugging Ike's legs like a drowning person to a life raft, making odd, cooing noises and purrs. Ike tried to kick Kirby off with his left foot.
"Get him off! The love—ack!—it BURNS! What are you, some sort of mutant tick?"
Kirby drooled. Ike flinched.
Finally having scraped Kirby off, Ike dragged himself back into his chair with groans of pain."Commoners..." he muttered audibly over the gales of laughter.
Once the cruel sneers and fits of victorious mirth dropped in volume, Meta Knight drew their attention to him.
"Now that you've all been fed and I have your undivided attention—or most of your undivided attention," he hissed, watching out of the corner of his eyes Jigglypuff the Balloon Pokémon making quite a scene out of playing with her DS Lite.
He coughed.
Jigglypuff frowned and looked up. There was a loud crashing noise from her DS; presumably she was playing Mario Kart DS and had just crashed on a race course. Scowling, the pink Pokémon swelled slightly before disappearing behind her game once more, making a point to ignore Meta Knight.
"Ignoring that," Meta Knight said in a bored voice, "I now have of the utmost importance to discuss with you"— He reached into his cloak, quick as a flash and took out a scroll of rolled up parchment —"chores."
"It doesn't look like there are many," Yoshi voiced confidently.
Meta Knight took off the rubber-band holding it in its coil, and the list unfurled along the tabletop and rolled it out until it measured eight feet, eleven inches in length.
Yoshi's confident air dropped rather dramatically, along with Olimar's mouth.
"How long is it?" the captain asked weakly.
Meta Knight shrugged, unbothered. "I never really bothered to measure it."
Marth stood up. "This isn't liberty!" he bellowed. "We shouldn't have to do all these chores! Where's the democracy?"
"This isn't politics, Marth," Samus joked in a wry voice. "It's a dictatorship."
Many nodded their heads. Sonic raised a hand, making an obvious attempt at commentary: "Come on, it's...it's not so bad. I mean, look at some of these."
Gingerly, as if handling a dangerous time bomb, the hedgehog picked up the end and read from the bottom. "Let's see: cooking, washing clothes, take out the trash..." His voice faltered as he reached items of more sensitive nature on the list. Sonic looked up at Meta Knight, tutting. "No offense, but you have a sick sense of humor."
"Let me see!" demanded Pit as he clambered out of his chair to run next to Sonic. Peering over his shoulder, Pit's eyes widened more and more the farther he read. Finishing, the angel gave a disgusted snort and yelped, "Tyranny!"
Ash stretched, looking unconcerned and cool as always. "How bad it is...?"
"Clean the furnace!" Pit spat out venomously. "Water the plants! Poison all the rats in the air ducts and dust them out!"
Peach gave an alarmed, squealish laugh that ended rather quickly. "How's w-watering plants bad?" she stammered.
Pit scooped up the list in his left hand and thrust it into Peach's face. "There's a warning here that says CAUTION: Plants are highly toxic!" he yelled. "Is that NORMAL to you?"
Pikachu pounded its yellow fists on the table. "Pika!" he cried, sparks falling from his red cheeks.
Snake, who had been coaxed out of his box yet again by the Ice Climbers, gave a terrified whimper. "No," he hissed, "I'm going back to where things make sense."
But before he could get his box Popo and Nana grabbed him by the sleeves and thrust him into his chair. They didn't look very happy.
"Stay," Popo insisted. "No one is trying to assassinate—"
Before Popo could add, "—you," Snake had screamed, "ASSASSINATION!" broken free of his binds, and returned to cowering under his cardboard box. Both siblings gave groans of exasperation before slumping with their elbows on the table.
Toon Link had taken up to reading off more chores on the list: "—making the beds, clean the dishes, vacuum, and WASHING THOSE DAMNED WINDOWS." Toon Link made a face at Meta Knight. "You're evil, aren't you?"
Samus snapped. "It's not as if you babies haven't done work before," she called in a commanding voice to her fellow Brawl characters. "You just saved the world; how hard is it going to be to fix up an old ship?"
Some of them began to mutter and shake their heads, while Ike made a pointed "umm".
Samus's hands dropped to her sides. "Don't tell me...that none of you have ever done a chore in your entire lives. Please don't tell me...or I may just...just have a heart attack or something."
Zelda shrugged. "Royal Family or not, we all chipped in back at Hyrule," she stated. "And did you think I spent seven years in hiding sunbathing in my past life? I was busy!"
Peach sighed. "I've done my fair share."
Pikachu scratched behind his ears. "Pik. Pikapi, pika chuuu."
"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff burst out, folding the DS screen down so she wouldn't crash again.
Charizard, Squirtle and Ivysaur exchanged awkward looks. "Charrr," the orange lizard grunted.
"Ivy. Ivysaur," agreed Ivysaur.
"Squirt, squirtle squirt."
"Pokémon don't do chores," Lucario grunted, making a spoon levitate with Psychic.
With a long breath Ash muttered something about "constant camping" and "nowhere near civilization." As all good Pokémon Trainers know: You want the badges, you gotta rough it in the wilderness.
Heads turned as the Kongs gave them ridiculed looks. "We're not primitive!" Diddy pointed out hotly, scowling.
"We can do chores 'n' stuff..." DK agreed, scratching the back of his head.
Fox, Falco and Wolf all took up similar conversations that were sympathetic in Meta Knight's favor: They had, after all, owned ships too.
Oilmar wasn't so quick to agree.
"Weeeeell. I have done chores, but I normally bunked with Pikmin, so I can definitely say that my experiences are...well...poor."
The Pikmin cheered and gave high-fives all around for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Ness and Lucas spoke before anyone could ask: "We did chores. Heck, we've even had to help rebuild our home on several occasions."
"Does saving the world count?" Pit asked nervously. "'Cause I've never done an honest day's work in my entire premature life."
Peach gave the angel a withering look. Pit shrank into his seat.
R.O.B. spoke up: "I was programmed for war and combat, not household luxuries."
Marth, normally so quick to give his opinion on any topic, had remained oddly quiet along with Ike. When the wave of discussion flooded down their end of the table, both swapped nervous looks.
Wolf raised a brow inquiringly. "Did the Lowell's ever get their kids to move their asses or what, Marth?" he inquired, not caring much for politeness or rudeness but rather liking being blunt.
Marth winced as he spoke, as if each word was cutting holes into his throat like extremely pointy glass: "Well...we didn't exactly do any—"
"Servants," Ike grunted. "And a constant wave of fan mail helped a lot. Never lifted a finger. Ever."
A tumbleweed bounded past the long table.
"You had servants?" Sonic gapped.
Again, the Lowell prince shrugged and leaned back in his seat. "To you it sounds like a lot, but for us, well, we were set for life—that was, until Nintendo sent us to this dump. Roy was lucky— he got kicked out after Melee."
Meta Knight pounded his fists on the table. "The Halberd is not a dump!" he snapped.
Luigi raised a hand. "Can I say something?"
When no objections came the green-clad plumber stood up and kicked the wall. A large sheet of the metal hull then peeled backward like a banana peel and left a streak of mud-brown iron-wrought hull, which clashed horribly with the ship's blue-gray metallic coating.
R.O.B. made a noise of polite incredulousness. "It's a dump, Meta Knight, you can't deny that."
Luigi sat back down with a proud smile.
Marth smirked. "I rest my case," he said, reaching for his glass (one of the few that hadn't been broken) and taking a dainty sip, pinky finger held out.
Meta Knight made a disbelieving noise like a whimper. "My ship..." he gawked.
"Well, it's broken now, buddy!" Ness stated in what he thought was a comforting older-brother tone of superiority/comfort.
Beneath his mask Meta Knight glowered tomato red. Taking a deep breath to control his temper, the Star Warrior retorted in a sing-song voice that was almost un-Meta Knight:"And guess who gets to fix it?"
Ness was cowed into stunned disbelief that was almost written across his face. Ignoring this, Meta Knight plowed on in a voice that suggested that had there been a full-scale riot he wouldn't have noticed even in the slightest.
"You two!" He pointed sharply at Sonic and Snake. Sonic had been half-asleep in his chair after speaking, and at the sound of his own name gave a start and fell onto the floor. Snake nervously peered out of his box.
"Yes?"
"You and Sonic... let me see."
Both of them gulped, wondering which chore Meta Knight would assign them.
"Ah, here's a good one," Meta Knight mumbled, consulting the list finally before turning to address his two victims. "Clean the windows."
"That shouldn't take long!" Snake struck a pose. "I mean, how many windows does this ship have anyway?"
"374.6 windows in counting."
Sonic fell out of his chair again from shock. Snake merely gaped like a dart-shot rhino, a rather ridiculous look as if somebody had slapped him and he couldn't quite believe it.
"How did you get .6?" Snake asked uncertainly, scratching his chin.
"It's the one you morons destroyed yesterday, so I counted it as a decimal." Meta Knight retorted.
"Oh."
Snake stared for a few seconds then slammed his fists on the table. "The windows on this ship are huge! Especially the one on the nose of the ship shaped like your fat head!" he protested. "How are we supposed to scrub them all in one day?"
Meta Knight shrugged. "That's not my problem, is it?" he asked unconcernedly as he continued to assign chores:
"Fox, Falco, clear the table and wash the dishes."
Both of them scowled angrily.
"Captain Falcon, water the plants."
Captain Falcon was trembling as if Meta Knight had just pronounced his death sentence to the gallows.
"Peach—you get to wash the clothes."
Somebody, and Peach had a shrewd idea who, whispered, "Hit her with your best shot—she will succumb to the mountain of dirty laundry piling up in the hall closet..."
Toon Link snickered at Falco's statement, now trying to remember where he had put his two month old socks.
"Well," the dainty princess counseled herself, "I could have gotten worse. It's not so bad..."
The knight with the list de doom added, as if an afterthought, "We're going to be rotating some of these chores. That includes cooking. Today I'll be doing the cooking, so that means tomorrow we'll have Jigglypuff do it."
Jigglypuff gave a squeak of happiness. However, no one else shared her enthusiasm. Behind her everyone in their seats had turned paper-white and wide-eyed; Link had even gone as far as the wave his hands in a "NO YOU IDIOT!" sort of way, making dramatic hand coordination. With a sad grimace Lucario mimed someone stirring a pot, eating the pot's contents, and dying rather suddenly with violent facial expressions and lots of suffocating.
Needles to say, Meta Knight got the gist.
"On second thought...Jigglypuff," Meta Knight said in a cautious voice. He prayed Pokémon couldn't smell fear, because Jigglypuff's victorious face was quickly turning into a glare. "Why don't you do permanent weekend cooking instead?"
Toon Link's eyes bugged and he pounded his fist into his palm.
"...and have someone help you." Over Jigglypuff's head Meta Knight gave the other Brawl characters a significant look.
Jigglypuff inflated slightly and looked positively livid with suspicion.
"...You know...just so you don't have to waste all your precious skills and tire yourself out."
The rest quickly cottoned on to the ploy and nodded in agreement. Pit made an obvious gesture of relief, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.
"Moving on," Meta Knight glanced down, "Mario—Luigi—Pikachu: You guys get to clean the bathrooms."
All three of them groaned, and Mario looked highly offended.
"That's prejudice! Just because we're plumbers doesn't mean WE have to clean it!"
Meta Knight narrowed his eyes. "If you haven't noticed, Pikachu isn't a plumber and he has to clean it too. Now shut up. "
Though no more objections came the three still looked sulky.
"Pit, please gather the trash from the kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms and washing room, floor two of the Halberd, and dispose of it."
Pit gaped. "And where am I suppose to put it all?" he asked with both hands thrust onto his hips.
"That's not my problem. Now, who shall I give..." He nodded. "Great. Olimar, you get to vacuum."
Olimar shrugged slightly. "I'm fine with that," he agreed calmly.
Mr. Game and Watch, who had been thinking of speaking for a while now, had to add his statement. "Beep!" ("No offense, but how are you supposed to reach the vacuum?")
Olimar gave an uncharacteristic scowl, his eyes narrowing behind the black shades he donned. "You're not so tall yourself! And you're two-dimensional!"
"BEEP?" ("What's that supposed to mean?")
"How are you able to pick stuff up? You look like some guy's shadow."
"Beep." ("I do not.")
"Do too."
"Beep!" ("Do not!")
"Do too!"
"BEEP!" ("Do NOT!")
"Do TOO—"
"Knock it OFF, NOW!" Meta Knight snarled angrily. Captain and "two-dimensional shadow" glared at each other before settling down again.
Meta Knight narrowed his eyes. "Olimar's vacuuming, that's the end of it. Mr. Game and Watch, while we're at it I'll throw you on light bulb duty."
"Beep?" ("Light bulb duty?") echoed a very bemused Mr. Game and Watch.
"Yes, light bulb duty. By the end of today I want every light on this ship that flickers, doesn't turn on or has a crack on it replaced with these NEW florescent light bulbs." From underneath the table the knight pulled out a large box labeled DANGEROUS and slammed it on the tabletop.
Mr. Game and Watch's jaw dropped open.
DK grinned. "There's got to be more lights in this joint than windows, and that's saying something. Good luck," he snorted skeptically.
Link knelt down slightly and bent over to whisper to Toon Link, "Hey, maybe we'll get off easy..."
"Link! Toon Link!"
Both cracked their necks as they glanced up nervously at Meta Knight.
"Oww..." whined Toon Link. "I think I broke my neck; can I be excused from chores?"
"If you had broken your neck then you would be dead," Yoshi pointed out.
"No." Meta Knight studied them for a moment before declaring, "You guys get to clean out the air ducts and kill rats."
"WHAT?" Link barked, pounding his fist on the table. "I most certainly will not!"
"And what choice do you have in the matter?" Meta Knight growled."It's my ship, so damn it you'll do as I say. Besides, you two are the only ones skinny enough to fit."
"Are you calling me FAT?" Peach asked suddenly. It went very quiet.
Mario leaned in toward Meta Knight to whisper through gritted teeth, "Whatever you do, don't say 'fat ,' 'lard' or give any implications to who's skinny and who isn't. That girl's a pipe bomb waiting to bang."
That sounded very wrong. OH WELL.
Meta Knight apparently agreed with us because he flinched as if whipped. "Skimming over that detail," he replied in an airy, businesslike manner, "no, Peach," he called down the table, "I was not calling you—oww!"
Mario had elbowed him. "Don't say the f-a-t word... Please, don't..."
Deciding that the best solution was to ignore a very angry-looking Peach altogether, he said, as if nothing had happened, "Ice Climbers—Nana—Popo—I want you to go around and straighten up the bedrooms."
"What do we do?" they squeaked in unison.
"Make the beds, er, straighten up anything thrown on the floor, that kind of stuff. There's a shoot for dirty laundry at the very end of the hallway across from my room. Peach can wait for it."
"Does that mean I have to go into guys' rooms?" "Does that mean I have to go into girls' rooms?" "Ugh!" both of them said at the same time, making gagging noises.
DK crossed his arms and made a funny noise between amusement and anger. "We're not all disgusting slobs," the ape pointed out, staring pointedly at Link and Toon Link, who both stared uncertainly back.
"..."
"Was he insulting us? Dude, I think he was!" Link gasped.
Toon Link made a chiding sound and shook his head sagely. "No wonder they say that I'm the smarter of the two."
Meta Knight, meanwhile, had raised his hands in an odd position of what might have been a meditative posture. He was taking deep breaths and muttering between exhales, "Must not...get angry... Must not...get angry...Must not—"
"I THINK META KNIGHT IS ANGRY," Pit screamed in Meta Knight's face with jubilance in his voice.
His yellow eyes snapped open in what was clearly a death glare. His meditation failed. Oh noes. "I am now!" he growled, while Zelda giggled quietly at this.
"Ahem...? Back to the list...?" she offered. Link booed and did a thumbs-down at this.
"Why did you have to remind him—?"
"Samus, can you do dusting?"
Samus had taken a large bite out of her blueberry muffin at that precise second, and in her haste to answer "Yes," began to choke.
For a few seconds the rest of the room entertained themselves watching Samus cough/hack/splutter, until she finally spat out a wad of chewed up muffin on Pikachu's face.
Through a paste mask of blueberries and cooked dough Pikachu glared at her vehemently. He raised a yellow paw and wiped a large smear of it off his face, barring his teeth.
Wolf paused in his incessant itching to nudge Falco. "You're cleaning that up, ya know."
Falco nodded coolly. "I know." Though he sounded horrified and disgusted at the very thought.
"Y—Yes, I can...dust..." Samus wheezed.
Meta Knight raised a brow in concern. (Again, we must ask ourselves how this is possible when he has no eyebrows to speak of. Or as far as we know.) "Would you like a glass of water?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure..." Samus sighed in relief.
Meta Knight hopped off his chair instantly and departed through the open door, closing it behind him. Ringing silence followed their Meta Knight-free moment.
"So..." Ash tossed out breezily, looking bored again.
Sonic began to hum along the lyrics of "Live and Learn." Jigglypuff had resumed playing her DS Lite.
In the empty seat on Mario's right there was suddenly a scraping noise. The red-hatted Bowser-slayer looked and saw that Kirby was now trying to scrabble up into the vacant seat. He blinked.
"Need a hand?" he offered.
"Kirby!" cried Kirby happily.
Mario helped yank the puffball into the chair when suddenly realizing Kirby's head barely reached the tabletop. Kirby didn't seem troubled by this, however. Actually, the seat still looked empty because Kirby was so short.
"Anyone got something for him to sit on?" Mario called out.
Fox lifted Meta Knight's one thousand and eighty-two page rule book onto his lap. "Will this do?"
"Yeah. Can you hand it over?"
"Sure! THINK FAST!"
Ivysaur, conveniently located on Mario's other left glanced up as Fox chucked the book, intending for Mario to catch it, and instead missed but hit Ivysaur full in the face. Ivysaur let out a yelp as he fell out of sight onto the floor. Diddy let out a screech of laughter and began to crack up, as did Pit, both Links and Captain Falcon.
Ash had bent over to help Ivysaur backup into the chair with the book tucked under his arm; now he looked up, looking extremely resentful.
"Pokémon have feelings TOO!" he snapped, grudgingly passing the book along to Mario and Kirby. Kirby now sat at elbow-height on the extra thick dictionary.
"We all know that, Ash," Diddy sniggered. "But it doesn't mean that we don't get to make fun of them."
"You want to go endangered?" Ash threatened, raising a knife off the table. Diddy eyed it nervously.
"...We all make fun of each other, y'know, so that's kind of the point. No need to get violent..." Diddy added hastily.
Lucario snorted and crossed his arms sulkily. "Just because we can't talk doesn't mean you get to poke at us for being "animals". Trainers depend on us; without us there's no them."
"Pika, pika!" Pikachu agreed, nodding, while Charizard let out a thunderous roar of approval that was taken as "Hear! Hear!".
"Pride," sighed Ness, while Fox eyed Kirby with interest.
"Did ANYONE," Fox announced to the whole room, "ever bother to notice how alike Kirby and Meta Knight are?"
"I did," Lucas piped up.
"What's your point?" Yoshi asked curiously.
"See how short Kirby is?" Fox raised his hands to indicate a ridiculously small space between them. "Well, he's round and pudgy and so is Meta Knight. And they're both Star Warriors. Say Kirby goes through psycho puberty in a few months—how do we know he won't start yelling at us and turn into a mini Meta Knight? We don't need another dictator."
Everybody began to laugh except for Samus, who was desperately trying to keep a straight face. "Oh, come on!" she yelled in a strained voice (her throat still hurt from choking on the muffin). "He isn't that bad!"
Another random tumbleweed rolled under the table's legs. Total disbelief met these words.
Samus slumped in her seat slightly. "...Okay. Maybe he is that bad."
"The guy's a lunatic," scoffed Ness. "I'm amazed no one here has jumped off the Halberd yet just to get away from General Hell-Bent Rule Nazi."
"That's harsh," Peach criticized in an angry voice.
Fox shook his head and gave her a pitying look. "No, Peach," he sighed, "that's honesty. The solid, golden truth. Who'll open up a betting pool that Kirby is going to turn into a tight-wearing, rule-passionate I-have-a-ship-that-looks-like-me-get-over-it-already ass just like him?"
Applause and laughter rang through the room. Fox actually stood on his seat and took a sweeping bow before sitting back down again, looking smug.
Then the laughter died. The air became tensed with fraught fear, everyone's eyes widening to full moon capacity. They all seemed to be staring not quite at Fox, and yet...
Fox caught on. "He's right behind me, isn't he?"
They all nodded yes.
A pincer-like grip hit Fox's left shoulder, actually making it go numb from the force of the hold.
"Is that what you think of me?" Meta Knight asked in an unnatural tone, almost no emotion to his voice at all.
Fox didn't answer. He still couldn't see him, but every word sounded right in his sensitive canine-ears.
"Well, I'm so glad we got that out of the way," Meta Knight said in a scary voice, his tone more frightening then his glare. "We don't want lies between friends, do we?To answer your question, no, Kirby will not grow up into an ass like me."
He then let go of Fox's shoulder and held up the glass of water he'd gone through all that trouble for.
"Oh, n-no thank you, Meta Knight," Samus stammered with a weak laugh. "I-I'm feeling loads better, honest."
"Just take it," he groaned, and Samus reluctantly accepted the water (which she quickly emptied when he wasn't looking into the "Squirtle juice" pitcher).
Meta Knight reclaimed his seat and continue as if nothing had happened. "Kirby, you get to assist Peach with laundry. You'll find something useful for him to do," he added as the Mushroom Princess opened her mouth to make a statement.
"DK—Diddy—clean the basement furnace and bring up a crate labeled "Bomb-Ombs," please."
DK perked up; apart from everyone else, the two Kongs didn't seem anxious depressed or rebellious about their chores; quite the contrary, their faces cracked into identical evil grins.
"You mean," Diddy asked swiftly, "that we'll be doing just basement chores. As in, 'nobody else has a reason to be down there other than us and little Jimmy,' right?"
Meta Knight looked taken aback; he recovered from his surprise quickly. "If you want to put it like that, then yep."
Nobody else but Lucario, again, struck this as SUSPICIOUS. He made a mental note to snoop around later like a nosy git and find whatever monkey business they were up to. Yes, we went there. We USED that pun!
Meta Knight suddenly looked shifty. He began to beam in an unsightly way at the three unlucky psychics.
Lucas flinched. "Wh-what are you gonna make us do?" he squeaked.
"Oh," Meta Knight drawled, "I have a fun job for you three."
Both Links gasped. Yoshi sighed and looked gravely at the three fun-goers to-be. "That means instant death, if Meta Knight dared to use the word "fun". Shall we kill you now, or give you a few minutes to compose an epitaph?" Yoshi added on in a highly persistent tone.
"Will we all get included in your wills?" Ash demanded to know.
Lucario gave them a scorching look that withered plants in an instant. "I don't plan to kick the bucket for a looong time, numbskull."
Ness grinned; Lucas looked terrified. "So what's the chore?" Ness asked curiously.
Meta Knight consulted the list before answering: "The training room that I converted two weeks ago needs to be polished. This means oiling down and polishing the machines so that they don't freeze up or rust. Restocking—there should be crates in there with all the items Miyamoto threw into Brawl; that's why Diddy and DK are bringing up the rest of the stores... And I think that's it."
"At least it's better than scrubbing the windows," muttered Lucas, looking thoroughly relieved.
Meta Knight continued. "Now, Ash, Ike, this chore will be of the utmost importance..."
Ike puffed out his chest in an impressive figure and Ash slumped his head on the table with a doughnut half-raised to his mouth. "Whatever you say," he mumbled, chewing on the doughnut while listening with interest.
His Pokémon all perked up excitedly
"Well of course it is," Ike crooned mockingly. "You only give the best and easiest chores to—"
"I never said easy," Meta Knight interrupted, "or best. I said important."
Ike seemed to deflate at these very words, and his arms swung limply to his sides.
"Oh."
Both Links began to giggle softly.
"Charrooh?" Charizard growled, using a knife as a toothpick.
Squirtle blinked besieging eyes at Meta Knight. "Squirtle? Squirt?"
As if understanding, Meta Knight answered promptly, "I believe I told you that I keep a lab on the Halberd?"
Ike scratched the back of his head. "Uh. No, you didn't."
"Well now I have," Meta Knight stated coolly-like. "And I want you two to clear it out."
"Clear what out?" Ash asked.
"Just...straightening stuff up. Making sure that I didn't leave tedious work items out. Elixirs. Potions. That sort of thing. If you do, you are to leave it on the long black table in the left-hand corner on your left; you'll see it the moment you enter the room."
Falco belched. "What would you need a lab for, anyway?" he asked, kicking his feet up on the table and leaning back. "Mad scientist experiments?"
"Rule number thirty-two! Feet off the table!" Meta Knight hissed in a cat-like manor, and Falco quickly thrust his feet off and swung them back under his chair.
"But seriously," Falco went on, "what do you need a lab for? What kinds of elixirs and potions and poultices would you need?"
"Well," Meta Knight drawled, "I keep some medicinal recipes down there...and it's where minor and major casualties are repaired, I guess you could say."
"As in h-hospital? And hospital, as in—as in you're a d-doctor?" squeaked Samus, her voice unnaturally high.
Sonic pointed an accusing finger at Meta Knight. "You're not certified to do surgery and stuff like that!"
Meta Knight gave a tiny chuckle. "And can you prove that, Sonic?"
"Well—no, but..." Sonic trailed off hopelessly and looked around at his fellow Brawl characters for support. "Come on guys, help me out!"
"Yeah," Luigi said, "he doesn't have a license for that kind of thing."
"Beep?" ("Or maybe it expired two hundred years ago?") Mr. Game and Watch offered.
There were a few cautious and clearly wary murmurs, some going as far as to scoot their chairs away from Meta Knight.
"Disregarding all of that," he growled, "I'd like to wrap this up. It's already nine o'clock."
Everyone groaned. As they began to rise from their seats Meta Knight waved a hand. "Oh—sorry, I forgot something. Yoshi and R.O.B., I want you two to pilot the Halberd for a few hours and get us to The Plain."
Yoshi' eyes widened with shock that Meta Knight had told him to fly the ship. R.O.B., however, looked completely unfazed. "Okay."
"Wait, wait, wait!" Toon Link yelled. "Why do they get to fly the ship when everyone else—the Pikmin included—are banned from even looking at the wheel?"
Meta Knight crossed his arms. "I deemed those two to be mature enough. R.O.B. will also have had practice co-piloting ships and such."
Fox looked insulted, as did Falco and Wolf. "What are we then? Janitors?" Wolf asked indignantly, scratching behind his left ear. "We own ships too! So does Olimar—and-and Samus...and some of us other guys..."
"I said 'mature', not 'incapable hooligans'." Meta Knight paused to half-yawn, eyeing Wolf for a moment.
Zelda raised a hand. "Meta Knight—you didn't assign Wolf, Marth or I chores."
Meta Knight slapped a hand over his own mask. "Oh? I forgot that..." He still didn't take his eyes off Wolf, who was now trying to scratch his forehead with a straw from one of the broken cups.
Marth struck a pose. "He obviously felt that Lowell princes didn't have to do work! Am I right, Meta Knight? Am I? Am I?" He was nearly jumping up and down with sureness that perfect people didn't have to help.
"No," snapped Meta Knight. "Your chore is Wolf."
"That sounded very wrong just now," Captain Falcon stated, his right eye developing a twitch.
"What's that supposed to mean?" DK asked. "That doesn't even make sense..."
"Of course it does," Meta Knight replied calmly. "I want them to give him a bath—a flea bath."
Wolf dropped the straw on the floor and froze, his eyes growing large with fear. "Whaddaya mean, 'flea bath'? I DON'T HAVE FLEAS!"
"I'm not blind. You've been using everything from the spoons to the plates as a backscratcher." Being the clever little warrior he was, Meta Knight decided to also add, "And Falco ratted you out."
"You bleeding traitor!" Wolf snarled, rounding on Falco, who jumped back in surprise. "Why'd you sell me out?"
"I didn't! I swear I didn't!" Falco insisted. The whole room kept turning their heads and following the conversation like a tennis match.
Wolf gave a snort of skeptical laughter. "You're the only one who knows besides Fox—! Wait a second, you're right; it isn't your fault." He glared daggers at Fox, who had been lurking near the corner. "It's Fox's fault!"
Fox glanced uneasily at Wolf, shocked at his accusing. "What, me? I wouldn't dare, I have no reason to tell anyone, especially Meta Knight."
"Then who else would have said that I have fleas if one of you two idiots hadn't?" Wolf spat.
"Actually, you just told me yourself," Meta Knight interrupted with a pronounced ahem. "So, Zelda—Marth: There's a conditioner in the bathroom you can use. Go get towels from the closet and don't be more than twenty minutes. Have fun, everybody."
And with that, he swished his ÜBER BOOTIFUL CAPE OF DEATH and vanished into thin air.
Wolf began to grope for his blaster and pulled it into his left hand. Back against the door, he edged away from Zelda. Marth remained seated.
"You can bathe him. I'll help by watching and making fun of you." Marth sneered.
"Oh very funny!" Zelda muttered under her breath, approaching Wolf with the rest of the Brawl characters watching.
"Don't make this hard on yourself, Wolf," Zelda chided. "Be reasonable about it."
"YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME ALIVE!" Wolf hissed, spitting foam out of his mouth as he held out his blaster. Zelda's first impression was rabies. Her second was ANIMAL IN DISTRESS: Help it. Her caring nature always made her want to save the whales—we mean, animals...
Zelda raised a brow. "You really wouldn't shoot that at me."
"Oh, wouldn't I?" Wolf whispered in a deranged voice, and he pulled the trigger. Nothing came out.
He stared at it stupidly. "Damn it! Why didn't I load this piece of junk thing before I came down to get breakfast?"
"No weapons," drawled Zelda. "So surrender, won't you?"
Wold had reached the door. He gave her a cold look, spat, "Never!" and chucked the useless blaster at Zelda. Zelda ducked to avoid it and the weaponry hit Pit in the very center of his fat head. Without hesitation Wolf tore open the door and ran out, screaming loudly enough to wake the ReDead.
Zelda gave a hunting cry and tore after him with almost barbaric-like savagery. Marth hesitated, muttered, "Nutcase," and took off after her while scratching the back of his head. The rest of them all kind of shrugged and flooded out of the room to do their own designated chores, not very optimistically, leaving Fox and Falco behind to clear the table.
Fox poked one of the fragmented cups that Kirby's screech had smashed. He gasped, pulled back his hand and winced.
"Glass cut."
"Oh."
They both stared at the mess before it dawned on them.
"Hey, wait!" Falco yelled out into the empty hall, his eyes twitching. "What dishes are we supposed to be washing? Kirby BROKE THEM ALL!"