The boys stood on the sidewalk, clutching their black nylon bags to their chests like giant teddy bears. Their mouths were slack, and for once the foursome speechless.
The Ghoul Grumps had been to some unusual places because of their job. There was that time in Texas, on a sun scorched wheat field where a farmer - who crudely chewed and spit out everything from tobacco to the English language - dug up a shallow grave to show them the remains (supposedly) of the Chupacabra. (Spoiler: it was just a mange ridden, dead dog – Ross was bummed for days after that.)
There was also the barnacle covered bridge in Chicago where several "credible" witnesses said they saw a lady hitchhiker, the kind that disappeared once an unsuspecting driver got her to her destination. Unfortunately the only thing they got on film were the hives Danny broke out in after standing in itchy cattails while they did their opening monologue.
But what they witnessed now… Danny may have summed it up best when whispered in mock horror, "What kind of black magic is this?"
The rain had stopped and the sun shone just in time for the Grumps to arrive on the main street of Sheahurt, New Jersey. The road itself was nothing remarkable. Flanked on either side of it were vintage style store fronts; brick, large plate glass window displays, and hand carved wooden signs to let you know which nondescript building was a café and which as a book store. What set the cobble stone path apart from any other was the street was littered with dozens of beautiful women, all of whom – like Danika, Linz, and Sara – were dressed festively. Some were prancing around in shimmering pixie attire, but most had on animal costumes. Rabbits with fake white, pointy ears, mice accompanied with spindly faux tails tied to their waists, and a couple of young maidens waving around fuzzy bear paws. And all of the women were headed in the same direction.
"It's like watching a very sexy migration of furry conventioneers." Arin said, and the others must have thought similarly because they nodded dumbly in agreement.
"Where are they headed?" asked Barry.
"The festival, duh." Sara explained, and then motioned up the road to point out the fairgrounds. It was mostly hidden by the townscape and encompassed by a short wrought iron fence. Through the mist of the cloudy afternoon twinkled a few carnival rides, and a muffled sound check was being pumped through large speakers on a bandstand.
"It hasn't officially started yet." Linz said as she tossed a couple of tote bags from their Suburban into Sara's waiting arms. "Right now is kind of the pre-party party. If you like we can head over there once Danika gets back."
Their courteous driver had promised to go find them a tow truck for the disabled Grumpmobile they had left on that lonely highway. Her companions were left in charge of unloading their own vehicle. The girl's luggage was slowly being moved into the closest building, Mangaminx's Bed and Breakfast.
"Maybe," Arin replied. The pre-festival celebration sounded nice, but he had a terrible case of swamp-ass he'd like to tend to, plus he still needed to check-in with Jesse and let him know the Jersey Devil episode had been delayed. "Ross, buddy, do you have a signal yet?"
Ross carefully placed his black bag on the curb, (it was the biggest and held most of their cameras and sound equipment) and then fished his cell out of his back pocket. He tapped the screen a few times, then, "Dang it. No service and I can't even find a hot spot."
"Oh no," Danny told him, "How will you cope without Reddit?"
"Not just that," Ross said, unaware of Dan's sarcasm, "But I can't even get on the Warcraft Auction House app. How am I supposed to check my auctions? This is terrible."
"A travesty," Barry sympathized.
At that point Danika reappeared and walked over to Arin. "Okay, I have some good news. The town mechanic, Dodger, says she can have your van towed back here within the hour." She gestured to a rusted, 1950's era tow truck headed out the way they had just came. Behind the wheel was the aforementioned Dodger donning imitation, silver fox ears. Arin couldn't see, but he was sure he'd find a matching fox tail on her as well.
"Awesome, and now for the bad news."
"Well, there is kind of a possibility for bad news. She doesn't have any spares, so we got to hope the tire can be repaired."
"Okay, so not the worst thing I've heard today." Arin was doing his best to find the silver lining. "Thanks for setting that up for us. But, hey, we noticed there is still no cell service in town."
Danika shook her head, "There's no service for miles. You can use the land line over at Mangaminx's B&B, though. And…"
"And?"
"You should probably get a room or two. Even if Dodger gets your van up and going tonight, you probably should wait until tomorrow to get back on your journey. It's supposed to rain some more, and the road out of town can get hazardous. Plus," Danika crinkled up her nose, "not to be rude, but you guys smell kind of ripe."
"We prefer the term 'manly'." Arin informed her, but honestly, taking a shower and maybe a nap seemed like a great plan.
The boys helped the girls carry the rest of their stuff into Mangaminx's. Inside, the first floor had a few tattered sofas to the left, and to the right – taking up the majority of space – was an ornate, wooden registration desk behind which a tall, brunette woman stood. She had on fake ears that resembled Dodgers, but these were smaller and darker. Mink or ferret came to Arin's mind when looking at them.
Sara and Linz scurried up the stairs at the far end of the hotel asking Danny on their way up if they would see him later to do 'some fun stuff'.
"Nothing could possibly keep me away." Danny vowed.
"Minx," Danika said to the weasel woman. "These are our new friend, Arin, Danny, Ross and Barry. They need a room."
"Two please," Dan asked nicely as he watched his fairies disappear to the next floor. "Or four, if you have the space."
"Hmm, 'fraid not." Minx told them. She was scrolling through a large tablet. "We are pretty much booked, but I do have a lovely honeymoon suite. Has a Jacuzzi tub and king sized bed. How'd that do for you?"
Arin was eyeing the ancient looking phone at the far end of the desk. "Are there phones in the rooms?"
"Nope."
"Do you have WiFi?" Ross questioned.
"Nope." The B&B owner replied in a chipper tone.
"What about regular internet, with an Ethernet cord?" Ross questioned again.
"Nope."
Ross kept going, "High definition T.V. with Pay-per view?"
Minx shook her head, "This isn't a Hilton."
Danny leaned on the desk and asked, "Is it possible to get three cots with that suite? And, maybe, a lot of pillows. I mean, a lot of pillows, enough to muffle shrieks of pleasure?"
Minx narrowed her eyes. "No."
"Excuse me," Arin interrupted as he handed her a credit card. "The honeymoon suite is fine, as is. Is it okay if I used your phone?"
"Knock yourself out."
Barry took over the registration process as Arin scooted over to the phone and picked up the handset. The old coil cord connected to it creaked with effort.
"This thing is almost as old as me." Arin observed as he punched in Jesse's number.
Danny chuckled, "By the looks of this whole town, it probably is as old as you. Or older. This place is primeval. It's weird."
"I guess so."
The phone started to ring on the other end of the line.
"And have you noticed," Dan glanced around conspiratorially, then lowered his voice, "That there are no men in this town. Except for us, it's all women."
Arin hadn't given it much thought until that moment. And at that moment it struck him extremely peculiar. How freaky was it they found themselves in a remote, hidden town run by neo-pagan women during a festival?
On the phone he heard Jesse Cox's gruff voice come through the line, "God damn it, this better be you, Hanson! Where the hell are you?"
Arin visibly gulped, "Ever see that movie The Wickerman?"