Total Drama Outrage
Chapter Three: Wawanakwa Airlines
Killer Critics Cabin: Before Dawn
Surprisingly, when Donovan woke up in the morning, it wasn't because Chris had set off an air horn. No, he woke up in the cold grey predawn light because the smell of fresh paint had invaded the room. Donovan's first inclination was to think Matthew had gone on one of his rage vandalism sprees, only this time with paint instead of his fists but a quick glance across the room revealed Matthew was still asleep. His sheets were twisted as though he'd been in some kind of violent struggle but he had nothing to do with whoever was painting outside. Larry could be discounted as a suspect as well, since he was still fast asleep, he hadn't moved an inch from where he'd collapsed last night. Everett might have been awake, it was impossible to tell if his eyes were open behind the sunglasses but it was obvious he hadn't moved as his bunk was surrounded a complex series of motion detectors that must have been set up while everyone else was asleep. Unfortunately when Donovan attempted to get out of bed, he learned that the detectors didn't just go off if you approached Everett, but pretty much if you moved anywhere in the room.
An electronic howl blared out of hidden speakers and Everett snapped bolt upright so fast he cracked his head on the ceiling. Some bizarre contraption he'd installed up there hissed and dropped a gas mask onto his bed. "Flaming Gorgonzola!" he exclaimed, "they're after me again!" Matthew rolled out of bed in flash and with his eyes still gummed shut with sleep started taking wild haymaker swings into thin air. Well initially he was only hitting thin air but when Donovan came into his range while trying to get Everett to shut off the alarm he got hit instead.
"Another attack! Do you work for the red haired one?" demanded Donovan, "You wear her colours."
"You attacked me," insisted Matthew, "your chest slammed into my fist you idiot." They both had to shout over the alarm to be heard and probably would have continued their conversation at such a deafening level if Everett hadn't finally stopped talking about cheese and finally cut the alarms off with a remote. Larry chose the resulting silence as the perfect time to yawn loudly and languorously stretch his arms over his head.
"Morning pals, it's quiet eh? Not even bird chirping." That was the last straw for Donovan, he practically snarled in rage, baring his teeth angrily.
"Paranoia! Stupidity! Pointless attacks! Laziness! This cabin is a den of weakness, cracks and fault lines run through all of you like a spider's web. I will see each and every one of you broken and cast of this island! Unworthy fools!" he stormed out of the cabin, leaving a startled silence in his wake.
"I'm guess he isn't much of a morning person," Larry said casually, "he'll be even angrier when he hears that Chef doesn't serve coffee at breakfast."
Confessional
Larry: The Donmeister is cool and all but seriously, he needs to switch to decaf. He was having some mad caffeine withdrawal this morning. And what the hell was the music Everett was playing? Screamo?
When Donovan exited the boy's side of the Killer Critics' Cabin the mystery of the smell of paint was finally solved. The artist Lauren appeared to have raided the arts and crafts centre in the dead of night and was busy painting a mural along the side wall of the cabin. She stopped upon noticing Donovan glaring at her and waved cheerfully.
"Morning Donovan! Want to help me paint? I could use someone to paint a giant smiley face," she said, "that'd be great."
"No!" snapped Donovan, "I am heading to the mess hall, when your noxious fumes rouse the others tell them to meet me there for a team meeting. I will deal with the weakness that has infested this team immediately."
"If you say so Donovan, I think I'll just finish this section of my mural first though," replied Lauren, unconcerned by Donovan's irritation. He clicked his tongue in annoyance and left for the mess hall, muttering about the flaws of human society the whole way. "I didn't know weakness had infested the team, I know the cabin is full of roaches though, and mosquitoes, and flies and_" Lauren's list of pests was interrupted when Wolf emerged from the girl's side of the cabin and looked curiously at the mural. "Hello there Wolf, did you tell Donovan to organise a meeting? I thought you were the leader?" Wolf just cocked her head in confusion before suddenly springing into a large bucket of red paint before dashing off towards the woods, leaving a trail of red footprints in the grass.
"Oh hell," groaned Maria as she exited the cabin and saw the red footprints, "who's bleeding to death now? There was some god awful wailing coming from the boy's side and now this."
"Oh it's just paint," said Lauren, "unless Chris keeps buckets of blood lying around the arts and craft centre."
"Wouldn't surprise me," muttered Maria, "blood of interns who die testing his insane challenges."
Confessional
Chris: Hey! I resent that, I totally donate the blood of dead interns instead of keeping it lying around in the arts and crafts centre. On an unrelated note, do you have any idea how expensive a decent amount of paint is? Most of the budget goes to my hair gel collection people!
If Maria was hoping for any answers about the racket that had woken her up, she was in for a disappointment when Matthew was the first to emerge from the boy's side of the cabin. She didn't even have time to finish asking the question before he was in one of his rages. "I HATE questions! They remind me of maths exams ok?"
"Donovan was angry as well when I saw him," observed Lauren, "I think all of you need to get more sleep."
"Oh he was just sulking because I accidentally punched him and Everett was shouting about cheese and there were all these alarms going off and Larry is really lazy," 'explained' Matthew, "something like that anyway."
"Didn't get a freaking word of that," said Maria, before covering a yawn with her hand, "I need a shower, see you guys at breakfast."
"That reminds me, Donovan told me to tell all of you that he wants us to have a team meeting at the mess hall because of some sort of infestation."
"Well Tall, Dark and Serious will have to wait until I've had my shower, and Heidi's still asleep anyway."
"Yeah, Larry went back to sleep as well and Everett has to set up his alarm system again," added Matthew, "Donovan will have to wait."
"If you say so," Lauren said, sounding slightly worried as she continued painting the wall, "I hope he doesn't get too angry."
Screaming Fans Cabin: Still before Dawn
Between Lauren's painting and Everett's alarm system, Chris never got a chance to wake the Killer Critics up at an ungodly hour. Unfortunately, the Screaming Fans didn't have that luxury and if Chris could only wake up half as many campers, well he was going to do it twice as loudly. The resulting explosion of sound as Chris blasted an air horn right into a megaphone seemed to shake the whole island, scattering birds from the treetops in desperate flight. Sandra screamed and clutched at her ears as she was rudely awakened.
"I think my eardrums have been ruptured," she shouted at a near deafening volume in compensation for the persistent ringing in her ears. "Way too far Mclean! Way too far!"
"STOP SHOUTING!" roared Stacey from across the room, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO LOUDLY!?"
"Forgive me Stacey, but I dare say you are speaking at a rather loud volume yourself my dear," Cynthia had been wearing earplugs and as a result was able to speak at normal volume, not that it helped the others, because they couldn't hear a word she was saying anyway. To them it just like she was opening and closing her mouth soundlessly and that only seemed to make Stacey angrier.
"You want to sit over there impersonating a fish?" demanded Stacey, "that's not helping."
"Hello?" said Sandra, "I think I've gone deaf over here, does anyone care?"
"Deafness is the least of our worries," Alice had randomly jumped into the conversation, "I did not foresee this awakening, someone must have disturbed the time stream." Stacey still wasn't following the conversation at all and only caught the word stream which she thought was in relation to what she had been saying about fish earlier.
"You're all mad," she complained, "one of you starts pretending to be a fish and the other discusses your new habitat! What's going on here?"
"You're the only one talking about fish," snapped Sandra, getting irritated at how bizarre this morning was rapidly becoming, "Alice was just whinging that her psychic powers failed to inform her that Chris is a sadistic psychopath."
"I had a great aunt who was a bit like that," mused Cynthia, "I think she was locked away in the attic for several years though."
"That's unlawful imprisonment! I knew you were still a criminal like the others," accused Stacey triumphantly.
"Oh, I was rather convinced that it didn't count if said individual was a lunatic, isn't it the done thing to lock them in attics?"
"No," said Sandra, "or else Chris Mclean, Chef Hatchet and a good half of the other contestants would never have been able to leave the house."
"I'll tell you something about lunacy, the number of criminals on this island is absolutely insane," said Stacey, "I'm going to the breakfast before any of you have a chance to poison the food." The idea that Chef's food could get any worse even with the addition of lethal poison was laughable. In fact, it might be an improvement since you wouldn't have to live with the horrendous aftertaste and indigestion for very long. Still, Stacey needed an excuse to get out of the cabin before she lost her mind and breakfast was as good an excuse as any. When she left the girl's side of the cabin she found that the boys were already up, milling around the outside of the cabin. Apparently they hadn't hung around inside their room arguing after Chris' obnoxious wake up call.
"There is no deafness," Marshall was sitting on the grass, meditating in lotus position while he recited a droning chant. "There is only the force."
"I'm telling you boys, that sound reminded me of the mortar fire I heard back when I was on a stealth op in the mountains," Billy was, as usual in the middle of one of his ridiculous stories. "I was right behind enemy lines; there were fires everywhere, screams of pain_"
"Then Smokey the Bear turned up and put out the fire," interrupted Isaac rudely, "the end."
"Don't mock my service record! You weren't there, you didn't fight!"
"Neither did you," said Stacey, announcing her presence, "Did you know that it's a crime to impersonate a member of the armed forces? That goes double if you're doing it for financial gain."
"Watch out Billy," warned Chance, "you'll need a good lawyer once Officer Obnoxious gets on your case."
"I thought she was Inspector Irritating," tried Isaac, "or Detective Drive-you-up-the-wall."
"This is defamation! I'll have all of you in court for this!" insisted Stacey, continuing her ridiculous trend of threatening to send people to court. Marshall cracked one eye open and he stared at her in mild exasperation.
"You do realise they aren't really defaming you right? Not even close."
"They're all going to jail and you'll join them for obstruction of justice!"
"I don't know about justice," Chris' voice boomed out over the intercoms, "but you guys are obstructing today's schedule, get your lazy butts over to the mess hall for breakfast people. It's a special treat related to today's challenge. Oh and Killer Critics, could you especially hurry up? Donovan been sitting in the mess hall for hours glaring holes in the walls, I think he wants to kill all of you or something. It'll be great for the ratings anyway."
"Impossible," called out Sandra, emerging from the doorway of the Screaming Fans Cabin, "unless he's been sitting in there since the middle of last night the only way he could have been in there for hours as if he was stuck in time loop constantly reliving the same moment until it added up to several hours. But if that was the case you wouldn't know about unless you were also trapped in the time loop and if that was the case you couldn't be telling us_"
"Sandra… Shut it!" interrupted Chris, "Just get over the mess hall now!"
Confessional
Donovan: They have only heightened my anger by forcing me to wait so long for their arrival. I will not forget these insults my 'team' has heaped upon me. When it comes to merge, I will crush all of them.
Alice: looking smug with her arms folded And she says I talk nonsense, what was all that time loop stuff Sandra?
Billy: Isaac and Stacey have joined forces to challenge me! I didn't Isaac would dare abandon the zombie slayers but it looks like his hatred has made him go rogue. Kind of the spy they sent me to extract from the Siberian wastes during_
Marshall: still meditating There is no passion, there is lunacy.
Mess Hall
If it was even possible, Chef's food service this morning was even worse than it had been yesterday. The 'special treat' Chris had mentioned turned out to be packages of airline meals and Chef was just flat out throwing them at contestants as they came through the door. One flying package slammed into Billy's helmet with enough force to explode and shower the liar with an undetermined substance that might have been edible five years ago. "Eat up maggots!" shouted Chef, "these meals were especially prepared for you by Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines." Chef turned about to stare directly into the camera and started to read off a script, "I would recommend you fly anywhere with them, they are now offering discount seats on the wings of the plane. If you're alive at the end of the flight there's no charge! Now let's see what the cast of Total Drama Outrage think of this new deal!" The cameras were suddenly turned off and Chris strolled into the room, rubbing his hands eagerly.
"Listen up losers, Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines has been suffering a downturn in profits and customer turnouts in relation to those pesky health and safety regulations and have hired the greatest host of all time, me, to film an advert for them. They have also generously the necessary equipment for today's challenge, footage of which may or may not end up in the advert. Now in a minute we're going to be pointing cameras directly at some of you, give glowing testimonials about the airline or you will be disqualified. Am I clear losers?"
"You can't disqualify someone for not lying about an airline!" complained Maria, "of all the reasons to eliminate someone that has to be the most ridiculous."
"Ok, one, yes I can and two, you won't be in the advert anyway, I don't like your face, or your voice, or anything about you for that matter. Billy, you're the best liar we have so you're up first, move over to stand on the X mark over there and give a testimonial when the cameras start rolling. Once you're done I'll call up whoever is going next, the camera will be paused in between testimonials but don't take your time, any questions?"
"Excuse me, but is this an actual challenge?" asked Cynthia, "it seems rather odd."
"Of course it's a real challenge, it tests your ability to improvise and you'll be booted off the show if you don't participate, now get moving people, I've got an advertising deal to secure here!" Billy rushed over to stand on the X, happy to the best at something, even if it was telling ridiculous lies. "Ok, cameras rolling!"
"Hey, I'm Billy," the teenager grinned broadly at the camera, "and I've travelled all over the world. In fact I've flown to every country on the map, and even a few that aren't on the map, and every time I've used Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines. Thanks to their budget prices I was able to save my extensive funds for more important things like_"
"Cut! I don't even want to know what you were going to say there Billy, Heidi, get moving, you're up next." Billy looked rather put out to be stopped before he could rant about various weapons or whatever the hell he was going to claim to have purchased overseas but he moved off the X and joined his teammates without comment. Heidi enthusiastically took his place and shot Chris double thumbs up. "Action!"
"I'm Heidi, you might know me as being completely and undeniably awesome, well it's true. You know what else is true? That Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines is the most reliable, safe, low budget airline I have ever flown on. I don't always flying around the world, but when I do, I fly Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines."
"Cut! Nicely done Heidi, Sandra, this advert needs to some scientific authority, you're up next!" Heidi walked back to her team and shared around a series of high-fives while Sandra reluctantly took her place, obviously uncomfortable about endorsing such a cheap airline. She gave an unenthusiastic wave to indicate she was ready. "Action!"
"As a renowned scientist, I have made it my life's work to study the relative ticket and catering costs of every single passenger airline carrier in the world and I can say with one-hundred percent certainty that Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines are the cheapest to fly with in every possible scenario."
"Cut! Good, now we need some class and style in this advert, Chance, take it away!" Sandra looked relieved to get away from the camera and Chance looked genuinely surprised to be called on. He casually strolled his way over to the X mark drew a deck of cards from one of his pockets, shuffling them before he tipped his fedora to Chris. "Action!"
"If I were you, I wouldn't take a gamble when it comes to air travel, I'd choose very carefully. Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines will make you a budget offer that you can't refuse. You can fly with them and have enough money left over to sleep in a luxury hotel, or you can fly with another airline and sleep with the fishes."
"Cut! Death threat was a touch overkill but I like your style. Alright, that should be enough testimonials. Obviously the Screaming Fans win the first part of this challenge and will get an advantage in the next round."
"No way! You only let one of us compete, compared to three of them, I HATE unfairness!" raged Matthew.
"Hey, it's not my fault everyone else on your team is a complete freak. I only wanted one of you in the advert; the rest of you would ruin it."
"Then there's no way we could have ever won," said Lauren in a tone that suggested she was commenting on the weather, "sort of makes this whole part of challenge pointless if it's one-sided."
"Stop whining, Screaming Fans win this round and there's nothing you can do about it," said Chris, "it's great being the host."
"YEAH! GO TEAM!" cheered Isaac, "what's the other team got? NOTHING!"
"Our victory was inevitable," agreed Alice, "I foresaw very few futures in which the Killer Critics won and only of them was clear enough to pick out any details." Sandra rolled her eyes but chose not comment, probably knowing it would pointless.
"Now," continued Chris, "I was going to make you eat your wonderful airline food during the challenge but because I want to get some footage of Donovan verbally murdering his teammates I will allow you to have breakfast in here. We don't have all morning though, the CEO of Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines wants this advert done by midnight and I'll need to do a lot of editing to make you look human. Enjoy breakfast, losers."
"I have waited long enough," growled Donovan, "be seated and listen for I will only say this once."
"Really? And I here I was hoping you'd repeat it several times," muttered Maria sarcastically. Everett snorted with laughter, Heidi let out a loud laugh and Matthew burst into applause. Whether she understood or not, Wolf realised something was going on and barked excitedly, running around the table. You could almost see steam pouring out of Donovan's ears as he waited for his teammates to stop horsing around and sit down at the table. When they were finally seated he took the time to direct a death glare at each and every one of them.
"When I auditioned for this show," he started, "I did not anticipate that I would have to carry my team all the way to the merge. I must have underestimated the impact that modern society would have on you, for even I did not expect to be confronted by such weakness at every turn. I must make it to the final two, the winner will not be worthy unless they are able to defeat me. I will tolerate no further weakness from you while we remain aligned on the same team." Donovan turned to focus his gaze on Everett, "Caution is a strength, but paranoia is a weakness. You drive yourself into madness anticipating events that will never occur and so you lose more than you gain. I will not allow you to use your alarms again, either you will learn to sleep without your security system or you will not sleep at all. I will destroy your equipment if I see it again."
"I'd rather be alive and tired than well-rested and dead," argued Everett, "if I can't use my alarms I'll just retreat to a more defensible location."
"Fleeing from your fears is the opposite of what I hoped to achieve by forcing your hand, but if it will allow our team peace, so be it," Donovan didn't look overly pleased with Everett's decision but he hassled him no further, turning to look at Matthew instead. "It is a skill to know when it is appropriate to be angry, and when it is best to be calm. You must cease responding to every situation with mindless rage or your anger will cease to have any meaning. If you must enter a rage, at least direct yourself at the enemy, instead of attacking me as you did this morning."
"I need my rage," said Matthew, "it erases everything else in my head so I can finally focus on something."
"There are better ways to focus your mind, and far healthier ones too," advised Donovan, "perhaps now you control the rage, but eventually it will control you and the rage will be all you have left."
"Oh come on, you read that out of fortune cookie," said Larry, "stop trying so hard to be some kind of wizard philosopher pal."
"You are lazy and I will not carry dead weight to the merge," Donovan focused on Larry now. "Know that I will break through your apathy, again and again if I have to, and each time the emotions get to you, it will become harder to bury them once more in apathy." Larry shrugged, doubting that Donovan could do anything that would make him care.
"I'd really prefer you didn't say anything to me," said Lauren, "I already know you don't think I take this seriously enough and think I shouldn't waste time with art but I know what I'm doing."
"Can I second that motion?" asked Heidi, "because I'd really like to skip the part where you accuse me of trying to murder you."
"I will not skip that," snarled Donovan, "only this morning you hired Matthew to attack me in the midst of one of his rages."
"As if!" protested Heidi, "look at my face, does this look the face of someone who hires assassins to kill people!?"
"No one hires me! I work entirely independently of any organisation," insisted Matthew.
"Geez Donovan, this kind of stuff right after you got on Everett's back about being paranoid? I'm disappointed," said Maria, "I really am."
"Your comments are increasingly irritating," warned Donovan, "stop such antagonistic behaviour."
"Uh oh, Donovan's grasping at straws, insulting him counts as a weakness now?" asked Maria, "just give it up already, you can't fix everyone."
"Maybe not, but I must try. Even if you fight me at every turn and make foolish decisions like trying to say that Wolf is our leader." Wolf snarled ferociously at Donovan but he didn't look threatened in the slightest. "Either you feign understanding or it is your lack of understanding that is false. I will find out Wolf, be sure of this." With the 'team meeting' apparently over, Donovan looked up and appeared to speak to the ceiling. "I have said my part Chris, commence your challenge." Chris' response was immediate, his voice bursting from the intercoms.
"Thank you, not enough murder for my liking but I figure you'll get to that once they get a chance to annoy you further. Campers tear yourself away from your delicious breakfast and make your way to the Wawanakwa Aerodrome."
"Uh, Chris, we don't know where that place is," said Sandra, "we can't go to a location we have no knowledge of, it's an illogical instruction."
"Seriously!? Are you people all useless, Chef, would you direct these babies to the Aerodrome, since apparently they don't know where it is."
"It would be my pleasure," Chef loomed eerily in the entranceway of the mess hall, a meat cleaver in his hand "follow me and you might survive."
"He's all bluff," said Chance, "the knife probably isn't even real," at that moment Chef hurled the knife through the air and it buried itself in the table right in front of Chance. "Or not, sometimes I get the odds wrong."
"That's what I thought maggots, now get moving!"
Confessional
Heidi: I am not trying to kill anyone! What's wrong with Donovan? He's obsessed with the idea that we're mortal enemies or something.
Cynthia: I should feel sorry for the Killer Critics, but I sure I am glad Donovan's behaviour caused Chris to delay the challenge. Missing the only meal that Chef hasn't personally cooked might have been disastrous, who knows when it will be safe to eat again?
Isaac: That Donovan guy is a like a mad dog, I sure hope the Critics manage to eliminate him before merge because he looks like a nightmare to deal with. I've got enough problems trying to regain control of my zombie survival group, curse you Billy!
Chance: Is it worse if Chef is skilled enough to deliberately miss me or if he wasn't aiming at all and I'm only uninjured by chance?
Matthew: I HATE Donovan
Wawanakwa Aerodrome
It was unsurprising that none of the campers knew where to find the Wawanakwa Aerodrome, since it quite plainly didn't exist. Chef just led to them to open field containing nothing other than Chris Mclean standing next massive object concealed by a tarp. Well there were also a few interns hanging around, presumably to assist with the upcoming big reveal but no one acknowledged their existence. "Welcome to the newly opened Wawanakwa Aerodrome!" announced Chris, "home of one of the most sophisticated aircraft in the world, donated generously by_"
"We know already!" shouted Stacey, "I swear you've never even heard of the Intrusive Advertisement Act."
"I haven't," admitted Chris, "and I don't want to because I'm getting paid extra for every time I say Total Budget Cheapskate Airlines."
"One more time and my head is going to explode," groaned Maria.
"Her circuits are overheating! We need a mechanic here stat!" called Everett, prompting Maria to kick him sharply in the shin. "Yowch! Hydraulic powered limbs!"
"Excuse me? Are any of you Chris Mclean? No? Then shut it! Reveal the venue of the second part of the challenge," Chris clicked his fingers and the interns scurried over to heave the tarp away, revealing what appeared to be a plane without any wings clamped by several mechanical arms and other pieces of machinery. "Not only does this beauty contain a sophisticated flight simulation program but it can also simulate extreme turbulence and variations of gravitational force. You will be manning this aircraft; each of you assigned different roles and challenges. Screaming Fans, because you won the first part of the challenge, you get the advantage of watching the killer critics go first."
"How exactly is that an advantage?" asked Sandra, "shouldn't we at least get the choice whether to go first or second?"
"It's an advantage because you'll be able to watch everything they do on widescreen television!" another interns wheeled a television into the field. "And you'll have more time to memorise this," Chris hurled a book as thick as a paving slab at Sandra. "The flight manual, congratulations, you're flight engineer for the Screaming Fans. Billy, you can be captain and Isaac, since you get along so well, you can be co-pilot," Chris sniggered as he threw them both pilot's hats. "Cynthia, got a uniform for you, welcome to your new career as an airhostess, Chance, you'll be joining her as an air steward. Stacey, Alice, Marshall, you'll be the passengers. Enjoy your advantage of watching the Killer Critics fail before you."
"Hey! We might be good at this!" protested Heidi.
"Oh I doubt it, Heidi, I doubt it. For the Killer Critics; Lauren will be captain, Everett will be the co-pilot and Larry will be the flight engineer," he threw Lauren and Everett their hats and a second flight manual to Larry, who probably only caught it because it would be too much hassle to bend over and pick up from the ground if he dropped it. "Heidi and Matthew, you are now flight attendants enjoy. That leaves Donovan, Maria and Wolf as the passengers. Get your butts onto the flight simulator so I can announce your first task over the intercom. Screaming Fans, take a break, you're up after these idiots crash and burn." Chris pressed a button on the remote that suddenly appeared in his hand and the doors of the plane slid open, allowing the Killer Critics to enter and take their stations before the doors thudded back closed with a grim finality.
Flight Challenge: Killer Critics
"Congratulations on passing the rigorous training required to serve as crew aboard Wawanakwa Airlines," Chris' voice entered the cockpit where Lauren, Everett and Larry where currently seated. It was pretty much an exact replica of the cockpit of a large passenger plane with countless instruments, buttons, levers and switches. A virtual image of a runway was displayed in the front windshields. "Hope you know how to speed read Larry, because this flight is set for take-off preeeetty soon and you really don't want to delay any flight that has Donovan on-board. Lauren, find the intercom button and send a pre-flight message for passengers and crew, can't take off without one." Lauren stared at the dashboard in front of her for several seconds until she located the intercom button and held it down as she spoke into her microphone.
"Good evening passengers of Flight 5776 Wawanakwa Airlines," said Lauren pleasantly, "This is your captain Lauren speaking and I'm joined by my cuckoo co-pilot Everett and the ridiculously lazy flight engineer Larry. I'd like to say that this will be a safe flight but that would be a lie, you will all probably die or suffer horrific trauma."
"Lauren! The unprofessionalism, it burns! You are clear for take-off," Chris paused as no one in the cockpit moved, "that means go!"
"Ok Larry, did you have time to read the take-off procedures?" asked Lauren, already knowing his answer before he even opened his mouth.
"Nah should be just like driving a car," Larry hadn't even opened the manual and just reclining in his seat. "Turn all the engines on and push that big lever thing forward until you run out of runway then both of you pull those steering wheel looking things back as hard as you can."
"That sounds brilliant Larry," said Everett as he leaned forward and began flicking the switches labelled Engine 1,2,3 and 4. "Engines on captain, where'd you learn that?"
"Saw them doing something like that on television once," Larry said dismissively, "I watch documentaries about plane crashes to remind myself why I never fly anywhere."
"Ok, I'm going to push the throttle all the way forward then," said Lauren, "not a very nice word is it? Sounds like I'm going to strangle someone." There was sudden roar as she pushed the throttle forward and the virtual display showed them accelerating down the runway while various instruments came to life, numbers flashing across them rapidly. "I just want to soar amongst the virtual clouds, I wonder what all these silly numbers mean." Larry might have been able to tell her if he'd bother to flick through the manual but Everett was left to guess instead.
"Acceleration, wind speed in knots, probability of encountering hostile craft, fuel remaining, height above sea level, which of these stupid things tells us when we've got enough speed to take off?" asked Everett. Larry pointed casually at the screen in front of them.
"I think the end of the runway and that fence you're about to smack into tells you it's time to take off," he said, sounding unconcerned as he fiddled with the recline controls of his seat, shifting backwards and forwards constantly.
"Time for this metal bird to fly!" Lauren heaved back on the control column in front of her while Everett did the same on his end. The cockpit rattled violently and the view on the screen skipped up and down before the ground was shown to fall away beneath them. "I'm sure real flight simulators aren't built to allow sadistic reality hosts to rock the cockpit around."
"Ha! That's nothing Lauren," Chris was speaking to them once more, "your plane is rising far too steeply and the force of gravity against you has just doubled."
"No it hasn_" Everett never finished his sentence as he was hurled backwards into his seat and held there by a crushing force.
"I love this machine, I really do," Chris laughed maniacally as the three teens struggled to make even the slightest movements in their oppressive environment.
"Pals, now would be a good time to release the control columns so the plane will automatically straighten," gasped Larry, the unread flight manual pressing into stomach.
"Release the controls!? Are you mad?" shouted Everett, "where are the weapons on this thing? Aliens have caught us in a gravitational warp!" he continued to wrestle frantically with the control column even as Lauren released hers. The plane veered wildly to the left instead of continuing its near vertical climb and whatever demented device Chris was using lowered the force pinning them to their seats.
"Oh good, I think we confused the plane so much it stopped trying to fly vertically upwards," said Lauren cheerfully, "good job Everett, could you release you control column now, I'd rather we didn't fly in circles." Everett let go and wiped a hand across his forehead in relief, unfortunately Chris chose this moment to strike.
"Too bad Lauren, because both engines on the right wing have just failed due to strain of that climb," the lights referring to engines 3 and 4 suddenly went dead and alarms began to sounded as the plane began to spin uncontrollably. The two engines remaining on the left wing were still on full throttle driving the plane into a spiral. On a normal flight simulator this wouldn't be a problem but because Chris was demented, their seats began to spin rapidly in circles as well, disorienting them further.
"Larry! What the hell are we supposed to do when two of the engines fail!" demanded Everett as he spun wildly in his seat. Larry ripped a page out of the manual and folded it into a paper plane, before lobbing it across the cockpit.
"Just fly a paper plane pal, its way easier." Lauren seized the throttle controls and pulled them all the way back, unfortunately managing to stall the two remaining engines.
"No engines, disappointing guys, really disappointing," said Chris over the intercom, "your sudden descent from the skies results in a zero gravity environment. Lucky you're all wearing your seat belts."
"You didn't give us seatbelts!" protested Lauren before her stomach gave an unpleasant lurch and she felt herself floating from the chair. Everett tried to grab the armrests of his chair but when he realised his sunglasses were floating off he grabbed those instead and was also lifted from his seat. For some reason Larry was the only one of them who actually had a seat belt and was trapped his seat, his arms and legs flailing wildly.
"I'd tell you to brace for impact, but you can't!" Chris laughed as the display screen showed the rapidly approaching ground. Even though they knew it was simulation, the three of them couldn't help but clench their eyes shut before impact. Once again machinery violently rocked the cockpit and gravity return to normal, sending them all sprawling, with the exception of Larry who hadn't moved at all. "Crash landing, Killer Critics FAIL the flight portion of the challenge. Suckers! I'll leave you to stew in your failure while your teammates attempt their part of the challenge. Later losers."
Cabin Challenge: Killer Critics
"Whoa guys, your pilots just killed the lot of you," announced Chris, his voice echoing around the false aircraft cabin. Donovan, Maria and Wolf were seated uncomfortably in hard plastic seats while Heidi and Matthew stood at the rear of the cabin in their uniforms, each holding a food trolley. "Tragic crash, full engine failure only minutes after take-off, it was almost like someone was deliberating messing with the pilots."
"You put Everett, Lauren and Larry in the cockpit, there was going to be a crash even if you didn't interfere," pointed out Maria, "messing with them was just overkill."
"Hey, always better to overachieve than to underachieve," said Chris as the seat belt lights flicked on above the three passengers. "Passengers, you have two simple tasks, one; remain in your seats for the entirety of the flight. Two, don't barf up your breakfast, or lose your lunch; it depends on whether the flight attendants are actually able to serve any meals. I'd tell you to put your seatbelts on buuut you don't have any! Flight attendants, you must remain professional and on your feet at all times, as well as completing various tasks, first of which is the flight safety briefing, which of you wants the honour?"
"I HATE safety!" shouted Matthew, kicking angrily at the cabin wall, leaving a dent in the cheap material.
"Guess that means Heidi's going to give the safety briefing, take it away!"
"But I don't know anything about airplane safety!" complained Heidi, "gee thanks Matthew. Um, I think oxygen masks might fall from the ceiling for some reason, they look pretty ugly but you've got to put them on or you'll die. What else? There are the yellow vest things, Life Vests! Use them to float instead of drowning. Do that thing where you put your head on the chair in front if there looks like there's going to be a crash and I don't even know where the exits are because Chris didn't give us proper doors. I think that's it?"
"I've never been on a plane, but I doubt such words are said before a flight," rumbled Donovan, "you have failed us."
"The big guy is right," interjected Chris, "that was pathetic, Matthew could have done better, and he'd have just said 'hate' fifty times."
"Hate and rage," corrected Matthew, "get it right Mclean."
"I don't have to get things right, I'm the host," bragged Chris, "now the plane has managed to get off the ground but the pilots have managed to get into a near vertical climb," as soon as Chris finished speaking, there was the grinding of machinery as the mechanical arms went to work and tilted the whole cabin. The passengers were flung back in their seats but Heidi and Matthew didn't have that luxury and were thrown against the back of the cabin, their trolleys hurtling after them. They were both forced to roll aside to avoid being crushed by their trolleys and were left practically lying against the back wall, their feet barely touching the ground.
"This still counts as having our feet on the ground Chris!" shouted Heidi, "don't you dare disqualify us."
"Now would I do that? Anyway, the pilots got out of the climb and entered a dive instead," the mechanical arms came to life once more and tilted the cabin in the other direction. The food trolleys shot off like rockets, smashing into the front wall of the cabin. Since there was nothing to grip on the back wall, Matthew and Heidi were also dislodged and began to slide down the aisle way, desperate to remain on their feet. The passengers were forced to cling to their armrests for dear life to avoid be flung to the front of the plane as well. Matthew was able to hit the back of Maria's chair and hold onto that while Heidi reached out and managed to grab at Donovan's arm in an effort to steady herself. Unfortunately Donovan believed that this was yet another attempt to sabotage him and furiously shook her off. Heidi was flung loose and finally lost her balance and fell on her back, sliding backwards down the plane. An air horn blasted and Chris could be heard laughing hysterically as the cabin was finally righted.
"Oh too bad Heidi, a real flight attendant would never fall over, guess that means you fail this part of the challenge."
"Please tell me that was the end of the flight," said Maria as Matthew stumbled away from the back of her chair.
"Nope, the plane has just flown right into a storm and hit some extreme turbulence, enjoy!" The mechanical arms began to violently rock the cabin and storm sound effects were played over the speakers. A particularly loud thunder clap startled Wolf and she leapt out of her chair with a panicked howl. "Wolf left her seat, FAILED! Oh and Matthew, would you please serve some inflight meals to our remaining passengers?"
"I'll do it," snarled Heidi, picking herself up from the floor and seizing two meal packets from one of the food trolleys. "This is for throwing me down the plane!" she hurled the two packets at Donovan and then reached for more, constantly pelting the giant teen. Donovan roared in rage as various packets exploded on impact, splattering him with helpings of chicken, beef and tomato soup. He rose from his seat to confront Heidi but he didn't make it a step across the cabin before Chris was speaking.
"And Donovan leaves his seat, FAILURE!" the plane rocked with particularly violent force, hurling the boy back into his seat where Heidi continued to pelt him until she ran out of airplane meals to hurl at him. "Matthew, since Heidi so politely delivered the food down that end of the plane for you, find an unexploded packet and serve it to Maria, who will then eat it, in the middle of this turbulence."
"No one should have to eat this rubbish," said Matthew, "she can't have a meal if I refuse to deliver one."
"Sure dude, but that means you FAIL! I'll have to end the challenge here, way to spoil the fun dude." The cabin immediately stopped rocking. "I could have continued until Maria was also eliminated but I needed at least one of you to pass the challenge so the Screaming Fans have a score to beat. You may now leave the plane." Both the doors in the cockpit and cabin slid open to reveal the field outside and the Killer Critics gratefully disembarked. Wolf in particular seemed especially glad to get back outside, hurling herself down onto the grass and lying spreadeagled with a contented sigh. Other team members weren't nearly as happy, Donovan and Heidi for example were still furious with each other.
Confessional
Heidi: Donovan made me fail the challenge! He didn't have to throw me down the plane; he deserved every single one of those airplane meals. I wish there'd been more to throw!
Donovan: still covered in a mess of airplane food At least I have finally revealed Heidi's true nature, maybe the others will finally believe that she is in fact trying to kill me and listen to what I say in future. When her attempt to pull me out of my seat failed she was forced to resort to crude projectile weaponry. Thankfully, I am unharmed, the food was not warm.
Lauren: Now I wish I had been in the cabin, the food service looked really interesting! Donovan looked like he ate pretty much everything on board. Being grumpy this morning must have worked up his appetite.
Maria: its official, we have lost this challenge already. On the bright side, I'm the only who passed the challenge so I should be safe from elimination. You know, since that pretty much indicates that I'm the only competent member of the Killer Critics right now. They'd look pretty stupid voting me off.
Isaac: This is bad, our team has to lose so I can kick Billy off and regain control. But how are we supposed to lose when the Killer Critics did so badly? Why doesn't anything go right in this place!?
"The captain, co-pilot and flight engineer all automatically fail due to the catastrophic crash that occurred on their watch. Larry gets honourable mention for ripping up the flight manual." Chris was announcing the results of Killer Critics attempt to the assembled campers, not that it was really necessary since the Screaming Fans had been watching the whole thing anyway. "Matthew fails for refusing to serve food to a customer, Heidi fails for falling over AND assaulting a passenger. Donovan and Wolf both left their seats despite the seat belt sign being on so they FAILED as well. Maria is the only member of the Killer Critics to pass the challenge, Screaming Fans; you must have at least two members pass to win this challenge. If none of you pass, the Killer Critics win. Hope you learned something useful, Screaming Fans, you're up!" The doors of the plane slid open once again and interns rushed in, "as soon as the interns clean up the mess Heidi made and bring in some new trolleys that is."
Flight Challenge: Screaming Fans
"With slightly more training than the Killer Critics and hopefully a great deal less stupidity, the flight crew for the Screaming Fans are up now," Sandra, Billy and Isaac were now in the cockpit, awaiting the start of the challenge. "You should know how this works after watching the last team but in case you're imbeciles, Billy, I need you to give a pre-flight message before take-off, make it good." Billy loudly cleared his throat before depressing the intercom button and beginning his speech.
"Some of you may be frequent fliers but let me tell you something, you haven't flown anywhere until you've cruised low over a battlefield while machine gun fire rips the air around you. Until you've seen the enemy scramble for cover as your fighter approaches. You don't understand the meaning of choice until you're one button away from unleashing an incendiary hell storm upon the enemy. I'm Captain Billy and I've flown through some of the worst battlefields in history so you can rest assured that there is no storm, no mechanical failure and no hijacker that can possibly bring this plane out of the sky while I'm at the controls. Thank you for choosing to fly Wawanakwa Airlines and have a pleasant flight, Captain Billy out."
"Yeaaah, a little over the top there Billy, and you didn't even mention your fellow crew members but they're losers anyway so I'll let you off for that. Whatever, you're clear for take-off so scram!"
"Ok so I've marked the pages addressing appropriate take-off procedure and I'll need to you to follow my instructions very carefully," said Sandra. "First you'll need to confirm that the fuel gauge indicates an appropriate level for a successful flight. Assuming a three hour flight that should be_"
"Chill Sandra, I've got this, I've played Aerial Ace Fighter Pilot World War V, you don't need to check any of that crap," said Billy, ignoring her advice and starting to flick the engine switches on. A task that was taking significantly longer than it should have since Isaac kept surreptitiously flicking them back off from his co-pilot's seat.
"What's wrong with you, no way do you just turn the engines on without reading the provided mechanics report of their latest maintenance," argued Sandra.
"Hello, expert pilot here, Isaac, give us full throttle would you?" Isaac spent several seconds pretending he didn't understand the instruction before taking an unholy amount of time to locate the throttle lever. Even then he didn't stop his sabotage efforts, pretending that he couldn't budge the lever.
"Sorry, it won't budge, the Critics must have busted it," he lied.
"Do I have to do everything myself around here?" demanded Billy, "let me try." He wrenched the throttle forward with far more force than necessary and nearly ripped the thing out of the console. The plane lurched forward than stopped once again as Isaac, 'accidentally' dragged the throttle back down. "Idiot! Stop wrecking stuff!" Billy was able to crank the throttle back up and the plane began hurtling down the virtual runway.
"Watch our velocity readings and the wind speed in knots" urged Sandra, "they need to be at certain optimal levels before we can attempt a take-off, give me a sec to find them," Sandra tried to turn to another marked page but she never got the chance, Billy wasn't waiting for any readings and wrenched back on the control column at the same time Isaac pushed forwards. A strange gurgling noise rang out in the cockpit as the plane seemed to get confused by the conflicting commands and then miraculously the screen showed the plane somehow getting airborne, barely clearing the airport fence as it wobbled into the sky. "Stop ignoring me! We can't fly this low!"
"Then how am I supposed to spot the enemy military base for our bombing run?" asked Billy, "This is clearly a military operation disguised and a civilian passenger carrier. Good job keeping flying low Isaac." Gritting his teeth in annoyance as yet another attempt to fail the flight challenge went unsuccessfully; Isaac immediately changed what he was doing, pulling back on the control column instead. The plane began to climb higher, but just like the Killer Critic's flight, their ascent was far too steep thanks to both captains heaving back on the control columns with the engines running full throttle.
"Guys! Stop pulling back so hard on the control columns and for pity's sake lower the throttle! It was never meant to be that high in the first place!"
"As captain I'm going to respectfully request that you shut the hell up so I can concentrate," said Billy, "flying this plane is a delicate operation don't you know?" With a wordless growl of frustration, Sandra got out of her seat, lifted the flight manual and smashed it down over Billy's helmet, which he had refused to take off despite receiving a captain's hat. The helmet absorbed the worst of the blow but the boy was still dazed, releasing the controls and that was all the opening Isaac needed.
"Mutiny! You take over Sandra, I'll get rid of this clown," he lunged out of his own seat and tackled Billy. The two of them crashed to the floor of cockpit and scuffled about, throwing punches at each other. Sandra casually chose to ignore this and hopped into Billy's recently vacated seat and began to regain control of the plane. Within moments the steep ascent ceased and the plane levelled out, flying smoothly before Sandra hastily activated the autopilot.
"Chris! I've stabilised the plane! Stop the challenge now!" demanded Sandra, "Matthew and Isaac are going to kill each other in a minute. Not that it'd be overly bad if it happened but I'd rather our team didn't have a double elimination due to injury! Especially not during the first real challenge!"
"Fine, due to an unexpected storm, you experience a great deal of turbulence," said Chris and the cockpit shook violently, throwing the boys apart. "Happy now? You've spoiled the ratings and my fun. I'm failing Isaac and Billy for that little display, Sandra you pass for saving the flight. If no one from your team passes the cabin challenge it will end up as a draw and we'll have to cut to a tiebreaker," Chris laughed sadistically, giving the impression that they did not want to know what the tiebreaker was. "Next part of the challenge is coming up, Matthew, Isaac; try not to kill each other until the challenge is over ok?"
Cabin Challenge: Screaming Fans
"Good news Screaming Losers, despite a mutiny and a brawl, your flight crew was somehow able to prevent a horrific crash and the loss of everyone on board. On the down side, mutinies and brawls are not part of airline policy, so there were some failures. You guys know the drill already, passengers, don't leave your seats or barf, flight attendants, remain on your feet and professional at all times. Now Chance and Cynthia, which of you is going to give the pre-flight safety briefing? Maybe someone who actually knows something about airplane safety this time around?"
"If it's alright with you Chance," started Cynthia, "I think I can do a good job handling this part of the challenge."
"Be my guest," agreed Chance, "I'm more about risks than safety anyway."
"Ok Cynthia, your time starts now!"
"Greetings and salutations cherished customers, my name is Cynthia and your safety is my primary concern. In the event of an explosive decompression at an altitude unsuited to human respiration, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling above you. If someone beside you is having difficulty with their mask, ensure you put your own safely before attempting to assist them as lack of breathable air can rapidly lead to unconsciousness and death. If the pilot determines that is necessary to perform an emergency water landing, life vests equipped with whistles have been placed in the compartments beneath your seats. Put them on before impact but DO NOT inflate them before escaping the plane or you may find yourself trapped inside due to the size and buoyancy of the vests. In order to minimise the likelihood of sustaining injury, it is important to assume the brace position before any hard impact, bracing your head and arms against the seat in front. Finally, your exists are, here, here and here," Cynthia just pointed at random spots on the wall, as it was impossible to see the doors from inside. "Thank you for listening and have a pleasant flight."
"Finally, someone who can do things right!" said Chris, "well done Cynthia. Unfortunately, your safety briefing didn't cover the appropriate response to being trapped in a TORNADO!"
"I have an uncanny sense that this cabin will begin spinning very soon," said Alice, "whether we will end up in a fantasy world is unclear." Marshall braced himself in his seat, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.
"There is no sickness, there is only refusing to eat breakfast."
"You didn't eat!?" raged Stacey, "that's cheating you can't_" she was cut off as howling wind sound effects played and the cabin began to spin crazily in circles.
"Can't make sense of reality," groaned Chance, "disorientation too great, likelihood of folding this round is high."
"References to card games are unnecessary," Cynthia said calmly, casually leaning on her cane in the midst of all the whirling chaos. "An impeccable sense of balance would do you better here."
"More cheating!" gasped Stacey, "none of us have canes, you people make me sick!"
"I think," started Alice, her face having gone as green as her hair, "that any sickness you are experiencing is a result of this spinning." She fell forwards in her seat and started vomiting uncontrollably. Seeing Alice vomiting up half-digested airplane food was enough to set Stacey off as well.
"Public drunkenness!' she blurted out randomly before she too started vomiting as well. Marshall's eye where still closed but he clearly winced in disgust at the sounds he was hearing. Finally the plane stopped spinning and the howling wind was replaced with the sound of Chris laughing hysterically.
"Knew I should have given you all barf bags," said Chris, "I'm so not cleaning that up. Flight attendants, new challenge, one of you needs to clean that mess up while the other serves in-flight meals to our hungry passengers. Or just Marshall, since Alice and Stacey are ELIMINATED!"
"I fear that you are mistaken Mister Mclean," said Cynthia, "we have not been provided with any cleaning supplies and therefore the task you have set is most unfortunately not possible."
"Too bad, you'll have to improvise! Get to it before you fail for such slow service, geez you just can't find a good budget airline these days."
"I'll leave that to you, Cynthia" offered Chance quickly, "I'd better deliver the food considering how heavy these trolleys are." Cynthia just frowned at him in displeasure.
"I do not think any difference in physical strength prompts your decision to avoid having to clean up vomit and I'd rather you didn't pretend otherwise." Marshall suddenly laughed, finally opening his eyes.
"So glad I didn't eat this morning," he said, "and also glad that I didn't get picked to be a flight attendant."
"The odds were in your favour," agreed Chance as he started to push his food trolley up the aisle way towards Marshall. "We'll see if your luck holds in a poker game after this challenge."
"Yeaah, speaking of luck, you don't have much of it, because the plane just entered a steep climb. Do not lose the trolley;" advised Chris as the plane began to tilt backwards, "it would be very unprofessional." The food trolley was hard enough to push on a level surface but now tilted at an angle it was trying to roll backwards and crush Chance against the back wall, forcing the boy throw all his strength against it just to stay in place. Marshall had no such problems, in absolutely no danger of falling out of his seat, of course he was forced back against it rather uncomfortably but that was a relatively minor problem. Cynthia started to slide backwards and it looked as though she surely must fall before she suddenly twisted the handle of her cane and a blade shot out from the end, digging into the floor and giving her something to hold onto.
"Concealed weapon!" shouted Stacey, struggling to look dignified in her vomit-stained uniform, "that blade is against regulations!"
"It also counts as punching a hole in the fuselage at a high altitude," Chris informed them in sadistic glee, "unfortunately the producers say I can't drain all air out of the cabin and risk you all asphyxiating but I can set off explosives in close proximity to you. Say hello to explosive decompression, Bon Voyage!" Some kind of explosive detonated right under where the food trolley was located, the blast hurling it through the roof of the cabin as well as tearing a gaping hole in the floor. Without the luxury of a sword cane to tether him to the ground, Chance was also sent flying off his feet and rolled all the way down to the back of the cabin. The only upside seemed to be that the vomit was now able to drain out of the hole in the floor, solving Cynthia's cleaning challenge.
"It appears I have completed my task," observed Cynthia, "will you end the challenge while Marshall and I still remain or would you see us eliminated too?"
"It's kinda tempting to eliminate you for resulting in the destruction of the aircraft but since you did so well in the safety briefing and that's really more a flight crew problem anyway, I'll let you off. You are free to disembark the plane through the new exit. Unless you're in the cockpit, then you can use the door. Do not smash through the separating wall just to jump through a hole in the floor. I might want to reuse this thing you know?"
Confessional
Cynthia: There's nothing wrong with having a sword cane, a lady needs to be prepared doesn't she?
Stacey: Criminals! Lunatics! They're all cheating; I won't stand this for this! Stacey goes green as her stomach rumbles again and she rapidly sits down I didn't mean like that!
Marshall: That was far too easy; I thought this island was going to challenge me. What are a merry-go-round and an explosion to a skilled martial artist?
Sandra: Do I regret hitting the annoying little mythomaniac over the head with a flight manual? No, he was going to cost us the challenge and make the plane crash! He deserved it."
Billy: is covered in bruises and his eye patch has switched eyes I've trained with greatest experts in hand to hand combat. That little scuffle was nothing I couldn't handle. Isaac is off the zombie slayer squad! And this show as soon as possible, Sandra too, since she started the mutiny in the first place. They'll all pay!
All the campers, many looking in far worse shape than they had been before taking part in the flight simulation from hell, were assembled in the field listening to the final announcement of the results. "Billy and Isaac fail for brawling in the cockpit and nearly destroying the plane. Sandra passes for her excellent studying and saving the plane from disaster. Alice and Stacey both fail for puking up their breakfast and so does Chance for failing to stay on his feet. Cynthia and Marshall pass for somehow not dying horribly during that whole ordeal. That means the Screaming Fans have three passes to the Killer Critics one, Screaming Fans Win!"
"I told you we were the best man!" bragged Isaac, "let's curb stomp the Killer Crazies right out of the game!"
"I'm not really one for such violence," mused Cynthia, "but I am glad we won."
"Says the girl with a SWORD!" pointed out Stacey, "an ILLEGAL SWORD!"
"Oh, she has a sword? That's nice, is she a knight?" wondered Lauren
"Ha! Knights in armour have been replaced by state of the art the mech suits these days," explained Everett, "though Maria would know_"
"Finish that sentence Everett," said Maria, "I dare you."
"Don't finish the sentence pal," advised Larry, "it's not worth it."
"Quiet, soon to be one less of you losers, sometime before sunset I'll need you chumps to visit the confessional and decide who you want to vote off. See you at the bonfire pit, losers!"
Emergency meeting of the Ace Zombie Slayer Society (minus Isaac and with a mysteriously injured Billy)
"As team leader, I reserve the right to tell you two how the vote and therefore I need you to kick off Donovan. He's as crazy as your whole team combined and ten times stronger. You need to get rid of him before merge ok?" said Billy to the Matthew and Larry as they all lurked behind the mess hall.
"I was going to vote for him anyway, I HATE Donovan!" shouted Matthew, causing Billy to visibly flinch.
"This is a secret meeting! Oh and Isaac is now public enemy number one, he's out of the group and going home so stay away from him at all costs. He's dangerous, tried to kill me earlier."
"Whatever pal, I'll vote for the Donmeister just because he needs to get off this island and get a caffeine fix. Did you see how much he ate during the challenge? There was food all over him," said Larry. Matthew could have explained what actually happened but didn't bother and so the rumour that Donovan was foodaholic lived on. "Guy's in trouble, I got to help him out." With that the three of them parted ways, unaware that a certain scientist who was determined to destroy Billy's group had followed them and overheard the whole thing.
Screaming Fans Cabin: Girl's Side
"So Larry and Matthew are in cahoots with Billy," explained Sandra, "they've got to before merge or else they'll join forces with Billy. If he's still here that is."
"I fail to grasp why you mention this," said Alice, "they are on the other team; we have no say in who gets eliminated over there."
"Actually, I dare say it would be fairly simple to tip the vote slightly towards Matthew or Larry tonight," said Cynthia. "But such a course of action wouldn't be very honourable."
"Who cares?" asked Stacey, "you're all crooks anyway so you can forget honour; I'll have no part of your cheating."
"Doesn't bother me," Sandra shrugged carelessly before looking back over to Cynthia. "Matthew's a loose cannon, they're more likely to fail again if he remains so I say we try to get Larry booted tonight. I can get Wolf's vote by just handing her a piece of paper with Larry's name on it and telling her to go into the confessional, how else is she going to vote?"
"I'm not sure about this whole thing but I believe Everett's state of mind is such that I could fairly easily convince him to vote for Larry."
"And so the course of the game is changed," intoned Alice, "hope that you don't regret it."
Outside Killer Critics Cabin
Matthew, Larry and Everett were all relaxing aside the cabin when Cynthia happened to walk past, brushing against Larry as she did so. A piece of paper fluttered to the ground in her wake, supposedly accidentally dropped when she attempted to pass it to Larry. Of course the lazy teen was too busy 'conserving his energy' to notice any of this, allowing the always paranoid Everett to sneak over and unfurl the discarded piece of paper before sneaking off to read it in peace.
Larry,
I am thankful that you chose to share your concerns about Everett with our team. Rest assured we have also noticed the disturbing trends in his behaviour but I do not believe this makes him a threat. I'm afraid we will not agree to join with you in eliminated him if he makes it to merge. Many Apologies,
Cynthia
Everett furiously crumbled the paper and stuffed it into his pocket. "So Larry's been plotting against me? Its game over for him then! Nobody gets away with plotting against me!"
Confessional
Everett: I vote for Larry the Traitor who Traits! Or who betrays, whatever, I vote for Larry ok?
Heidi: Donovan thinks I'm his enemy? Well guess what? Now I am, I vote for Donovan!
Donovan: It is Larry's time to leave, I have arranged a plan that will see him broken but it requires his departure from the island.
Wolf: holding a piece of paper with Larry's name on it, looking rather confused at this whole event
Larry: Goodbye Donmeister, Billy told Matthew and I to get rid of you, no hard feelings. Just following orders, since it's too much hassle to disobey them.
The Bonfire Pit: That Night
"Very soon one of you will be a confirmed loser and leave this island forever, walking the Dock of Shame and taking a ride on the Boat of Losers and you can never, ever come back," started Chris as he stood in front of the Killer Critics, who were seated on various tree stumps. "Those of you who receive an envelope of enraged hate mail from me are safe tonight. Oh and before we start, votes against me do not count! Don't do it people! Now, those of you confirmed safe without having a received a single vote tonight are; Everett, Heidi, Maria, Matthew and Wolf," he casually hurled envelopes to all of them and was about to continue when Maria opened hers and looked at Chris curiously.
"Why are these stuffed with legal forms and court summons addressed to you?" she asked.
"Did I tell you to open them? No! So don't worry about it," said Chris, "now, also safe with only one vote for her is Lauren. That leaves Donovan and Larry, which of you losers will be heading home tonight on the boat of losers? I honestly don't know because BOTH of you received three votes. It's tiebreaker time!" Larry in sighed in disappointment.
"I don't suppose you're going to forfeit Donmeister?" he asked hopefully.
"No, I will compete and I will crush you," replied Donovan gravely.
"Well it's too much hassle to compete in a tiebreaker, I forfeit." Larry got up from his tree stump and offered a bow to his former teammates. "Catch you later pals."
"What!? You want to spoil my dramatic tiebreaker? Fine, get out of here Larry, you can never, ever return!"
"Send my stuff back to me ok? I can't be bothered picking it up before leaving."
"Suuure I'll send your stuff over Larry, now scram, the Boat of Losers awaits!"
Chris stands on the Dock of Shame and the Boat of Losers with Larry on board can be seen sailing away from the docks. He is surrounded by what looks very suspiciously like Larry's robotics equipment "That's the end of lazy Larry, kinda figured he wouldn't get very far anyway. Will the schemes ever stop? Will Larry ever get his stuff back? And who would be so evil as to suggest that I steal it? These questions may or may not be answered next time on Total Drama OUTRAGE!"
Lying alone on the roof of his cabin, Everett finally removed his sunglasses and gazed up at the stars.