Between the Worlds [part three]

I didn't want to wake up.

I didn't want to return to an empty TARDIS with nothing but my grief and a stolen memory of something that could never be. But, reality was always crueller than that. Eventually I would have to open my eyes to the world, for as much as it hurt, I still didn't want to die.

Though that moment, cusped between the two worlds, was the closest I've ever been to wishing it.

Someone moved, sending a warmth through my side to ease the freeze-shattered remnants of my innards. And I really should have been concerned about that, given that it was all a fabrication. But there was something in that warmth that would somehow always comfort me, even if it wasn't real. Even if the fingers that ran across my skin were a figment of my own, personal tragedy.

It's mine. I could drown in it if I wanted.

"Doctor?"

Her voice still? How could I have never told her the way it seems to vibrate with the earliest stirrings of the solar plane as the planet slides from their winter into spring?

A man who was supposed to have all of time, and there was suddenly now time to say it. I would have said it, too. I would have said a great many things to her. Things that burned in the constellations of my mind until I couldn't bear them anymore. Things that made my hearts feel as if they would beat out of my chest, though I'm sure that's a cliché from somewhere. Or tear themselves anew as I carved the words into the stars with my tongue.

All moments lost, gone – GONE – lost forever to me…

Because I couldn't say those words to her…

"Doctor!"

I groaned. I didn't want to lose that last moment, because then even her voice would be gone and I would be alone…

"Oi! Wake up!"

"Why?"

And there it was: my voice. My true voice. Broken into the pieces of my hearts and scattered to the ten winds. I knew tears streamed from my eyes as I tilted my head back, determination and rebellion sneaking into my absurd attempts to hold onto the dream. The warmth suddenly engulfed me and I couldn't resist the sob that pushed through my lips.

I would have all the world know my sorrows.

"Doctor, I'm here, I haven't –"

"I left you."

"No, you didn't –"

"I never told you, never said, never dared, and oh Rose, I thought I could give you something better…"

I felt it then; the distraught breathing of someone above me as they lay against my skin. Was that what the warmth was? But it was her warmth, only ever her warmth. The warmth I wanted to feel for the rest of time, because how could the universe ever be warm without it? How could I ever be without it? She holds my hearts, and I've tried, I've tried so hard to be the whole of myself without her, but I can't. Either I must make myself again, or crumble here and now, for I cannot be 'Her Doctor' – the man who was better, the man who was good – I can't be him anymore because he doesn't exist without her.

"He doesn't exist anymore, because he was a coward and he lost you."

The other was silent now, but had not moved. Fingers that were achingly like hers trembled as they traced across my jaw, slipping like rose petals into my hair. In them was unspoken intimacy, such that I could think only of her. I leaned into that touch, as if it was the last thing of any meaning in the universe, and it didn't matter anymore that it was only inside my head. I just wanted to die like that, cradled in her warm hands.

"Because…because I love you."

I gasped a bit as I let go of the words that had burned in my mind for the eternity since the beach. They were…liberating. I murmured them again, and let the ocean drown me.

Yes. This is how I want to die.

I felt, as if from very far away, something brush ever so softly against my lips. As deep in the darkness as I had allowed myself to fall, I yet felt that tentative, tantalising touch of her mouth to mine.

The shiver that went through my broken hearts at this faintest contact was akin to an earthquake underneath a volcano. It ripped me upward and toward the sounds and smells of consciousness; toward the crash of reality, and there was nothing I could do to keep my eyes closed. Nothing I could do to cling on, and was hopeless now.

I met eyes that were like the wood of a summer rose.

"Oh my Doctor..."

They were full of a gleaming river, so close the water spilled over my skin and mingled with my own tears. They were so, so beautiful –"

"You still with us?"

I was shaking. No breath I could take was enough, and they piled up in my throat as I pulled them in wildly, desperately, frantically to try and regain some semblance of reality. But there was never a shadow, never anything else but the woman before me: here, now, with me. With me in her arms as we shared the weight of the world – as it should be. As it always would be. The completion of me; the completion of her.

She smiled a watery smile that held the light of the sun and the moon and all the stars as I stared with raw, unchecked wonder. My hand rose, trembling, to her alabaster face, closing the distance with a moment when time itself seemed to still.

My breath caressed her lips.

And all else evaporated as I touched her mouth to mine, pouring everything into that kiss. My longing, my love, my need burned and froze as I stroked my lips over hers, lost in the moment that lasted epochs of the world. And when her lips moved against mine, they left trails of fire. They moved slowly, patiently; never pressing, never leaving as I explored their folds. They met mine with a sincerity like an electric current running through her skin; thrumming and constant as my fingertips alighted on her ear and on her neck…

In reality, it was a kiss of barely more than half a minute, but for me it was closer to half a millennia. She lit the stars of my life in ways I had almost forgotten existed, and when I felt the parting it was as if part of my own body had detached, though her mouth still hovered close.

"I love you."

The corners of her mouth twitched. The last tear dripped from her chin as she leant her forehead to mine.

"I know."

But with that she seemed to collect herself, shifting away from my chest and withdrawing her hands to mine, now at my sides. Then it hit me what I'd just done, how many walls I'd just shattered.

I'd just kissed her.

I struggled to sit up, relieved all the same that she'd not let go.

Kissed her.

While in her arms it had been so simple, so obvious – as if, for one moment in the universe, it was all the future could ever be because I loved her.

Oh gods…

The words had tumbled out at long last, and now all I wanted to do was scream them to the skies. I love Rose Tyler. I LOVE ROSE TYLER! And while we moved together, there was no room for a silly thing like doubt. As if I could doubt something as true as that.

Now though, it was as if I'd just exceeded all the worst acts of my regeneration – it was all in a tangle. The universe had come back into focus and for the first time in my life, I didn't know what to think. I was at the mercy of what she would say next, athough how I was going to survive her rejection I really didn't know.

Actually, no, I did. I wouldn't.

"Doctor…"

"Look, Rose –"

What was I going to do? Apologise? Beg?

"Doctor,"

She had kissed him on the beach, but what did that mean for us? Had it changed, the way she felt? Or had things simply gone to being as they always had been, her feelings tempered by my wretched, invalidic inability to –

"Doctor, I love you."

"Really?"

'Really'? THAT is what you say when the woman you love tells YOU she loves you?

My mouth dropped open as if it would encourage more air inside. I looked up into her shining eyes, red rimmed, cheeks stained, and I saw what I had felt as we drew our mouths together. The electricity that bolted through her and which hummed to life as she held my eyes. That look…stilled my hearts. And all at once caused them to clench; palpitate, turn summersaults, because it was the promise of futures beneath the dawn at the ends of creation. Of planets where the rock grew like flowers; where mountains swayed in the breeze – and all, all of them with her.

"Really!" Her face split in a breathless laugh.

She's here. My saviour. My Rose.

She's come back to me.

My face hurt with the grin that pulled it apart as I leapt to my feet, the laughter jumping onto my tongue. I crushing her to me as we spun in a dance all of our own.

My Rose.

I stopped to gaze down, taking in the sight of her grinning back, cheeks flushed, tongue poking out –

"Did I mention I love you?"

She pitched into me as the laughter burst in her stomach.

"Yeah," she managed finally, reaching up to swipe a brief kiss that made my hearts flutter. "Yeah, you did."

"So…what did you want to wake me up for?"

"Oh yeah, the chips are done!"

They were delicious. Truly.

It might have had something to do with my lack food or the fact I was sat on the settee with Rose – my Rose – but they turned out to be the best chips I'd ever tasted. I still couldn't bring myself to let go of her hand once she'd taken mine. It was the heart of a warm fire, an impossible fire, and if I let go then it would fall into the void again. She seemed to understand, for her hand was as tightly gripped on mine as mine was on hers. I looked over to her.

And then I remembered.

"You can't stay with me, can you? I mean, not here with me."

She met my eyes with a soft pity.

"You know I can't. I mean, that'd hardly be fair for you – the other you, you know, the you in my time. I said I'd be going back the day after tomorrow, and, well…"

"Yeah," I felt as if the floor had just spiralled away again. "Yeah, yeah, I understand."

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

We'll have to say good-bye again. I'll have to say good-bye.

"Doctor –"

"When would…when…" my voice wobbled. She sighed, setting the chips down so she could turn into me. My arms automatically circled around her and pulled her closer, sliding us back into the cushions. She laid her head over my hearts, and shook it slowly.

"Spoilers."

Curious. I had a brief flash of someone else using that turn of phrase, but the memory was drowned by the sensation of Rose's weight falling on my ribs. And my hips. And just generally, considering the position we were in…

Oh god.

"Doctor, are you alright?"

"Fine, yeah,"

"You've tensed up."

I opened my mouth and stuttered various vowel sounds before surrendering to the reality that stringing words together had momentarily failed me. I shut it again as she raised herself off me, clamping back the moan of protest that originated somewhere near my pelvis.

I mean really, of all the times we were close before, all the times I had those niggling little fantasies crowding round the corners of my mind, you're choosing NOW to make yourself apparent?

I was perilously close to blushing. Control over my own body and its dignities was something that I always prided myself on – relied on. But for once that particular appendage wasn't taking any orders whatsoever, diverting the blood flow with, I thought ironically, an almost manic glee.

"Doctor?"

She'll notice soon enough – oh, for heaven's sake!

I was paralysed by the humiliation of it all – not to mention the tightening in my trousers – mortified that she would see me like this so soon. I mean, wasn't there supposed to be flowers and weird chocolate flavours and dinner first? And, alright, we'd sort of taken care of that last one, but still…I shouldn't be like this. I'm a Timelord! Not a rabbiting ape who can't control the urge to do…that…every time! And she deserved me being the gentleman, didn't she? Especially since she came back with me to comfort me, to keep me from falling into the dark, and she probably didn't expect, didn't want –

"Hey! Talk to me!"

I stared back with open shame colouring my cheeks. I couldn't hold her gaze, not with the traitorous bastard inflating between my legs, throbbing to the tight fit of the pinstripes. I tried to shift over so she wouldn't see, but the movement sent a sparking jolt through my nethers that forced me to clamp my teeth shut to contain the hiss that escaped anyway. I clutched the back of the sofa, feeling my knuckles drain of blood as I fought the wave of wanton need that swept through me.

Wonderful, more to go down there.

Rose's eyes widened in alarm as she darted forward to grab my shoulders.

"Doctor, just…oh!" Now she was away from my lap, her eyes slid down – and hit the bulge. I met her returning glance with absolute horror, certain the blood vessels in my face had opened to the air. I couldn't breathe. My bypass shunted into action and I shut my eyes, trying to will everything down.

Not the easiest thing when the cause of distress was a hands-span away from me. Or that as soon as I closed my eyes I realised she was holding back a fit of giggles.

"Rose, this is no laughing matter!"

My eye snapped open to see the hand pressed to her mouth.

"I mean it! Really, I mean I –"

"Nice to see I can get you going!"

"Well," I glanced down. I had to admit it wasn't unimpressive.

"Got a bit of a balance problem there?"

"Balance problem? Rose, I…" I trailed off, trying to collect what to say. Suddenly the concern flashed back into her eyes and she reached for my face, closing the gap with a kiss that was softer than milk; warm and gentle and reassuring as she leant her head against mine.

"It's okay. It's okay, my sweet Doctor." She shivered slightly. I brushed her hair back from her face, noting how her skin was suddenly colder. A lot colder. I began to tremble just a little, every sensation a tiny bolt of white lightening as she pushed me down onto the sofa. Her eyes pinned me there as her hands trailed down, fingertips slipping slowly over my chest and further, though her gaze never left mine. I could see her breaths shallow, her lips drying as she gazed into me, parting just a fraction before she looked down.

Her hands stilled, flush against my navel.

It was as if my hearts had stopped. I swallowed, freezing anticipation coating my throat, and followed her gaze. There was nothing that could have prepared me for that moment. Times before? None existed. None compared to this. They were all gone, leaving me like leaves in the breeze. My chest shuddered with the breaths I tried to take, the rest of me still as the air before a storm.

She flicked her burning eyes back to me in a smile, and there we stayed. Just for a moment.

Then she moved her hands, and my back arched into the couch.

A.N: Okay, stripped this all down and it's LOADS more readable. Much more elegant too, and less bloody bulky. God, I ramble a lot! Anyway:

'Gone, gone' was actually inspired by Gollum. 'He lost you' was inspired by Mitchel's line 'we lost her' (Being Human). There are a dozen other lines that I'll always picture coming from a particular person or place - Tony Robinson reading Pratchett and Steven Moffat's Coupling can account for a lot of it (including 'balance problem').

I should also explain the transition from third to first person: it's meant to represent the Doctor's self-possession and mirror the concept that he's not truly himself without her. Just an artsy thing that I think kinda works.

When I originally did the very last bit, it was to slow violin music...gave me goosebumps at the time...

Oh, my darlings, reviews, beautiful reviews?