A/N: I'm back! Sorry for the late update, but I had little time to write and the muse didn't help. Sometimes you imagine the story in your head, but then you realize is really difficult to put it on the paper. However this chapter is longer than the others, I hope it is worth the wait!

As you probably realize I'm coming back to the present resuming Liara and Shepard talk. The next chapter will be again about Liara's past. It's not going to take too long. Maybe 2 or 3 more chapters, that's all.

Enjoy and please let me know what you think in the reviews!

Again, I do not own Mass Effect.

Present day

"Liara, I'm really sorry you had to go through all that alone. I never meant to hurt you."

"No one plans to die, but you did."

"Yeah, I did and I lost two fucking years of my life. Do you know how does that feel? It sucks! But now I'm here. I'm alive." Shepard said approaching her and trying to make Liara understand that she didn't plan to die this time.

"For how long you will be alive this time, Shepard?" Liara was being too hard on her and she knew it, but she just couldn't let it happen again.

"That's not fair Liara and you know it!" Shepard threw her arms up and took a step forward.

"But it's the truth. You were gone for two years, in which you didn't feel anything. I thought you were dead, how do you think it feels to lose everything you had in some months? My mother, you… I lost my life."

"You didn't lose me Liara. I'm standing right here. I want to fix this, I really want, but you are making it really difficult."

"I am not making anything more difficult than it already is. I am not the same. I'm doing well as an information broker and I have a lot of things to do."

"No! Don't start again with that crap! I don't believe you. I know my Liara is there, somewhere. I can help you find her."

"How exactly are you going to do that?" Shepard didn't say a thing she just took several steps forward until she was in front of Liara. "Please don't do this." She said walking backwards.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Don't you see it Shepard? I can't be near you. It's too painful. I can't bear having you and then loosing you again. I won't overcome it. I didn't do it in the first place!"

"You know human colonies are disappearing, the collectors are working with the Reapers and no one is doing shit about it. I have to stop them…"

"You're right, it's your job and you are the only one willing to do something about it, but I think your labor is no longer compatible with me." Liara didn't want to go through all that pain again. Yes, Shepard was alive and was right in front of her, begging her, but there was no way of coming back. She was not going to surrender, because there was no guarantee that Shepard could survive.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shepard stood in her place and let Liara step backwards until she hit the wall.

"I don't want to hurt anymore Shepard. You have to comprehend it." Liara whispered.

What did I do to you Liara? The Commander thought. She was feeling like a monster for doing this to the only person she'd ever loved, but now she understood it. Liara was broken because of her. It was Shepard's fault. She shouldn't have let her feelings interfere the mission. She should have focus on getting the job done like she always did, but when she saw Liara in that bubble back in Therum, all her rules, her strength and her world crumbled. She had been selfish, because she didn't think enough about what could happen to Liara. She jumped in to the deep without thinking, because she'd never felt something so strong for anyone.

"Liara please, I… I lo—" Should I tell her? "Don't turn your back on me please."

"You wanted to talk. I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you were expecting."

"So, that's it? Whatever we had is over?" Shepard had cried a few times in the course of her life, and all those times had been when she was still a child. Since she enlisted in the Alliance, she hadn't shed a tear, not even when Ashley died. But at that moment she felt like crying. She knew her emotions were betraying her and her eyes were shimmering, but she couldn't cry, not in front of Liara.

"I guess so." Liara said feeling her hands shaking. She had to be strong. It wasn't Shepard's fault, but she wouldn't allow herself to do this again, because she was sure she wouldn't bear it. Her heart was already broken and she carried so much anger inside her that if she allowed Shepard in her life again and then the Commander died, she feared she could do something stupid.

"I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could come back in time and fix it."

"Me too." Liara mumbled while Shepard turned around and walked to the door.

"Goodbye Liara." She said without even looking at the asari.

"Good luck in your mission Commander." She said watching the Commander leave.

Shepard walked out the door and felt her knees buckle. She steadied herself in Nyxeris old desk, placing both her hands on the cold surface and turning her back to the door. Liara changed her. Before her, Shepard was only a soldier without nothing else than anger and pain. Her family and friends were killed back on Mindoir by batarian slavers, but she eventually found her revenge in Torfan. She'd been called the butcher of Torfan, but everything changed when she met Liara. The archeologist softened her, she reminded Shepard how it felt to love and be loved. She found purpose in life. Her goal wasn't to get the job done anymore, without even care about her comrades or unit. Now she cared about her crew and of course she cared a lot about Liara. They had never told each other about their feelings or talked about their relationship, because everything was new and rushed. Yes, they were together back in the Normandy, and most of the crew knew about them, but the word 'girlfriend' had never been pronounced by anyone, not even by themselves.

Liara went back to her computer and linked it to the security camera she had placed outside her office. She watched as Shepard supported herself on her ex-assistant desk and her breath faltered. Then she saw it. One single tear sliding down Shepard's face and collapsing on the desk. Liara covered her mouth with one hand while tears ran freely now. She had never seen Shepard like that. I am so sorry Shepard.

Even so, it didn't last too long. Soon the Commander wiped her face and drew herself together. She then went downstairs and disappeared.

Liara wasn't sure why she didn't tell Shepard how she recovered her body and Shepard on the other hand didn't care anymore about why Miranda knew Liara. She couldn't stay any longer in that office, because she would not let herself crack in front of Liara. Maybe it was better that way.

Shepard walked into her quarters and tried to be occupied. She worked on one of her new maquettes. She fed her fishes and her hamster. She also checked her armor and weapons, but nothing could clear her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about Liara, so she decided that she definitely needed a drink far from the crew and the ship. The nearest bar was Eternity and if she recalled well it had a back room with a very confortable couch.

She was getting into her old habits again, where drinking was the best gateway from her anger. She talked with the Matriarch at the bar and reserved the room, together with 1 bottle of the best whiskey they had. There were lot of different new drinks, but when humans joined the galactic community whiskey was one of the most popular beverages among the other species, so it was usually available in every bar on the galaxy and for Shepard nothing tasted better than a good served whiskey.

She sat on the couch with her bottle of an 80-year-old Glenlivet (she could afford thanks to Cerberus) and a glass full of ice. She even had the tremendous urge to smoke, but she had a hard time quitting and she was not going to start again now.

She felt alone. The only person she had let in didn't need her anymore, but Shepard still needed her. She needed Liara to survive, because without her, there was nothing to come back to. There was no reason to fight. There was nothing.

She stared at a group in one of the tables. A salarian, a turian and a human were watching an asari dance. She watched the group and the people passing by while she drank her whiskey. The Cerberus implants allowed her to drink more without getting drunk, but she was beginning to feel a little dizzy after drinking more than half a bottle.

As the hours passed, the bar began to fill with different species. The music got louder and the lights dimmed. The bartender entered several times with propositions from people at the bar. More than one person tried to join Shepard in her room and an asari offered her a private party in her apartment. She declined them, but someone caught Shepard's attention. There was a table next to the group that had been watching the asari dance. There were lot of people in the line of sight dancing, talking and drinking, but she could recognize her.

The human was there with a cocktail glass. Maybe a Martini? Shepard thought. The woman wasn't aware of the spectre, but Shepard kept watching her carefully. She saw as the human placed the stick with olives between her fleshy lips and slid it out empty. That made Shepard swallow and reach for her drink. Maybe the alcohol was finally taking effect.

One of the bartenders that were now wandering the place entered the back room.

"Madam, I am sorry to interrupt." Shepard looked up at the asari. "We have a lot of good clients that request to use this space. I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave."

"How much they pay you?" She said going back to look at the woman at the other side of the bar.

"Madam, I'm not sure if—"

"I double it." Shepard watched as the asari features change. "Is that enough?"

"I suppose they can wait a bit more."

"I'm glad we've reached an agreement. Also, see that woman at the table in the corner of the bar?" Shepard nodded in the human's direction. The waitress followed the Commander's gaze.

"The one dressed in white with black hair?" Shepard nodded.

"Serve her another of what she's drinking and bring me other glass of this." Shepard said at the same time she transferred the credits from her Omnitool. "Thank you."

"My pleasure." The waitress walked away and soon Shepard saw the exchange between the asari and Miranda at the other side of the bar.

"I haven't asked for this." Miranda said.

"Someone bought you a drink." Great, Miranda thought, other stupid man trying to get in my pants. She was sure it had been the man from the table in front of hers. He didn't take his eyes off her.

"Tell me is not from that man in the other table." She gestured.

"No Madam, it's from a human woman in the back room." The waitress said nodding in Shepard's direction. There were a lot of people in the way and the private room was darker than the rest of the bar, so it was difficult for Miranda to recognize her.

"Did she tell her name?" She was trying to catch her face between the people who where dancing and drinking.

"Sorry Madam, she didn't, but I'm sure she would love your company."

"Yeah, I have no doubt, but I'm not into women. But please thank her for the drink."

"It's a shame." The asari said as she appraised Miranda from top to bottom and walked away.

She grabbed her drink and raised it in Shepard's direction showing gratitude. Nothing came from the room. It was too dark and Miranda was really curious to see who was in the darkness. It couldn't be Shepard, because she was probably with Liara. At the thought Miranda felt a pain in her chest. Maybe she could take a closer look at this woman. Maybe she looks like Shepard… No, don't go there!

At the other side of the bar Shepard was wondering why Miranda didn't join her. Maybe it wasn't a good idea after the conversation they had. Yes, it wasn't definitely a good idea. She probably thinks I'm playing around with her. Fuck!

"Here you have your drink." The asari said as she laid the glass down on the table. "The lady thanks you, but she said she's not into women."

"What? What have you told her?"

"Nothing Madam, I gave her the drink and she asked me who sent it. I only told her that it was a human woman at the back room." Wait a minute… Shepard thought.

"Did you see me from there?"

"No Madam, the lights inside this room change at the evening. They darken the room, so people from outside aren't able to see you, but you can see them."

"That explains everything." Shepard said nodding in understanding.

"Is there anything else you need?"

"No… well yes. Could you please tell her that she'd be surprised if she joins me?"

"With all due respect Madam, I am not an emissary. You can tell her yourself at Eternity's chat using your Onmitool."

"Sorry, I am more traditional. I guess this will do." Shepard said as she transferred extra credits to the waitress Onmitool.

"You are very kind."

"No problem. Thank you for your service."

"You are welcome Madam." Shepard watched as the asari left the room and walked towards Miranda stopping first to serve some drinks to a group of turians.

Meanwhile Miranda was trying to recognize the mysterious woman. Why she was so intrigued, she didn't know. Usually she rejected men unless she previously had their medical exams and of course they looked good. She was lost in thought, when the waitress came again.

"I have a message for you from the woman in the back room. She told me that you would be surprised if you join her."

"She said that?" The asari nodded. "How does she look like?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you that. The only thing you need to know is that she is a fine-looking woman. I could say she's hot, not hotter than you of course, but that's a matter of taste."

"I'm not sure. I'll think about it."

"My turn ends in two hours, just in case." She keeps flirting and I'm not into asari at all, she would remind me of T'soni.

The waitress left and Miranda decided that maybe she could join this woman and try new things. It was time to turn page after all and a little fun didn't hurt. She grabbed her drink and headed in Shepard's direction. She stopped just before entering the room.

"May I join this mysterious and hot, according to the bartender, woman?"

"Come in." The voice at the other side said. She recognized that voice! It was…

"Shepard?" The operative said entering the room. "Oh my God. Commander, I'm sorry. I thought you were… well… I thought you weren't you."

"It's okay Miranda. When I bought you that drink I thought you could see me. I'm sorry. Sooo would you like to join me?" Shepard gestured to the sofa while Miranda's eyes scanned the room. An empty bottle of whiskey and two glasses, one full of liquor.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"Why?"

"Weren't you supposed to be with Doctor T'soni?" Miranda couldn't keep it anymore. Shepard felt as a million swords nailed in her heart slowly and that didn't go unnoticed to Miranda. "Sorry, it's not my business."

"It's fine. That didn't go… well."

"I'm sorry Commander."

"Stop apologizing please and take a sit."

"I'm still not sure if that's a good idea after our conversation."

"Okay. Right. We decided to keep our relationship as professional as possible." Shepard reminded herself and took a swig.

"Yes and I think it's better that way."

"Sorry Miranda. I don't know what I was thinking. I just… n-needed someone to talk to and… well stop thinking."

"What are you thinking that you don't want to?" Miranda asked wanting to know more about Shepard's thoughts.

"I'm not really in the mood to talk about it." Shepard confessed her eyes fixing on the table.

"Oh." Miranda knew it was something related to Liara, but she didn't imagine what could be. Maybe the asari told Shepard how she recovered her body, and Shepard felt betrayed because she gave her body to Cerberus. But that didn't make any sense. Shepard would be grateful and wouldn't blame Liara for it. So, what was bothering the Commander so much and why she wasn't with Liara? That were the questions that kept coming to Miranda's mind and she really wanted to know the answers, but her mind was telling her that she should come back to the Normandy as soon as possible. "Maybe I can share one drink with you." or maybe not. Miranda sat in the couch just in front of Shepard.

"If you are not confortable I understand."

"I am your XO and it wouldn't be professional to leave you here getting drunk alone. You should be focusing on the mission—"

"So you are staying because you are afraid your project could be damaged?" Shepard interrupted.

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Miranda said using that professional tone.

"Yeah, sorry. So what are you doing here? I've never pegged you as the girl who goes alone to a bar."

"I am not. And what are you doing here?"

"Isn't obvious?" Shepard said raising her drink and pointing to the empty bottle.

"So I was right. You are getting drunk." Miranda knew thanks to EDI that the Commander usually had a drink or two aboard the Normandy, but she never thought she was the kind of person that tries to get drunk intentionally.

"Yeah, kind of, but it isn't as effective as before. What did you do to me?" Before Saren and Liara, Shepard usually used her shore leaves to get drunk, smoke and have sex. She was the perfect renegade, until she met Liara.

"Your cybernetics don't get drunk and you have lot of cybernetics, believe me."

"So I am robot." She mocked raising her drink to Miranda.

"No. I did my job well. You are Commander Shepard as you were before you… died. The only difference is that part of your body and your inner organs work thanks to some engineering."

"I'm not the same." Shepard said as she took another swig.

"Well, I didn't meet you in person back then, but the Lazarus Project goal was to bring back all the memories, feelings and thoughts you had, so you are supposed to be the same." Miranda followed Shepard eyes with her gaze.

"Yeah, that's the problem. I don't know who I am anymore." She did know how to act some years ago before Saren, but now the pressure was higher. She did care about her crew. She spent time knowing each of them and now their lives depended on her choices. The problem was that maybe she couldn't take the right decisions anymore.

"That's your choice Shepard. You can be whoever you want to be and I may not have believed it before but I don't have what you do; that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."

"Really?" Shepard started laughing out loud and Miranda just stood there watching her with disbelief. This was great. Shepard was laughing. Maybe it was thanks to the alcohol, maybe thanks to Miranda or both, but it felt amazing.

"Did I say something funny?" Ms. Lawson was back.

"C'mon Miranda. Don't look at me that way." Shepard said still giggling.

"Please share your joke, so I can laugh too." Miranda crossed her arms on her chest and observed as Shepard got up with the glass in her hand.

"Are you jealous? Because I've always suspected that you were jealous of me." Shepard was looking at her with a silly smile on her face.

"Don't be absurd!" Miranda sneered and looked away.

"In our talks you always ended talking about your genes, your father and trying to convince yourself that you are not perfect." Shepard said pointing at her XO with her drink.

"Because I am not!" Miranda replied sharply at the same time she got up and faced Shepard.

"No one's perfect Miranda. Your father gave you the potential to be great; all your accomplishments have been your own."

"This is what I am Shepard. I can't hide it, the intelligence, the looks, hell even the biotics, he paid for all of that. Every one of your accomplishments has been due to your skill. The only thing I can take credit for is my mistakes."

"So you are jealous after all." Shepard smirked again. She was enjoying this. She really needed something or someone to keep her mind busy, and Miranda always had been there after she woke up in that station some months ago.

"First, it's not a competition. Second, based on your combat records you're practically a perfect human specimen." Shepard burst out laughing at Miranda's statement. She was not even remotely perfect. "Stop laughing!" Miranda stepped forward, as if trying to threaten her.

"C'mon Miranda. Perfect human specimen? Really?" Shepard uttered trying to hold her laughter, but failing.

"Don't get cocky. I'm the one who put you back together, remember? And I do damned good work." Miranda was very irascible and she was beginning to feel her exasperation growing. "Take that smirk away or I'll wipe it off your face!"

"Okay, okay." Shepard raised her hands as if she was surrendering, still with the glass in her left hand. "However," she took a step closer to Miranda, entering her personal space, "you should know by now that I am far from perfect." She hissed.

Miranda's breath caught in her throat and she couldn't keep her eyes away from Shepard's. What the hell was happening? They talked about this. Shepard said she loved Liara and Miranda was really sure that was true, so what the hell was this?

"What are you doing?" Miranda whispered not wanting to move.

"I don't know." Shepard muttered. All the giggles and laugher disappeared immediately and were replaced by something she didn't know how to define. Maybe lust? They remained like that for seconds, but it felt like hours had passed. Miranda studied Shepard's scars. They were getting worse. Although the green was still clear, her irises were beginning to show a red reflection.

Shepard could feel Miranda's breath in her face and she was barely aware that what was happening shouldn't be happening, but she didn't move, or that was what she thought, because suddenly she felt Miranda's lips against hers. She wasn't sure who moved first, but her mind was completely out. She couldn't think and she didn't react, at least not until Miranda's fleshy lips started moving and kissing.

In a split second, Shepard was pushing Miranda forcefully against the wall as they kissed fiercely. The music sounded distant and blurry, as their tongues dueled and their bodies pressed together, making it even harder to breathe. Miranda's hands were entangled in Shepard's hair, while the Commander's held her left hand at the wall next to Miranda's head, with the glass caught between her thumb and her index. Her other hand was resting in the Operative's waist pulling her impossibly closer. They were hungrily tasting each other, both battling for dominance, but it was time to breath.

Shepard pulled away first just to attack Miranda's soft neck. Her mouth traveled downward, leaving a wet path along her XO's jaw and neck. Miranda moaned when Shepard bite roughly at her pulse point and she suddenly became aware of what was happening.

"Shepard..." She whispered between gasps trying to recover her control. The Commander ignored Miranda and continued sucking at her pulse point while her right hand traveled up and down the Operative's back. "Fuck!" Miranda let out when Shepard grasped her buttock. The exchange was not soft nor slow, but quite the opposite. "We should stop." Miranda muttered again.

"You want me to stop?" Shepard asked into Miranda's left ear, tongue flicking her earlobe. That caused Miranda to moan and throw her head back hitting the wall.

"N-No…" She answered moving both her hands down Shepard's shoulders and stopping on her hips. The Commander soon felt soft fingers inch their way under her Cerberus uniform (without the logos she had ripped off). Miranda could sense the scars that were always hidden behind Shepard's clothes and armor, but she remembered them very well when she was rebuilding her.

"That's what I thought…" Shepard said smiling against Miranda's skin.

"N-No. I-I mean, yes! Stop, Shepard." The Cerberus operative recovered her control completely and removed her hands from Shepard abs just to put them on her chest as a sign to stop the Commander. "You don't want this." She insisted.

"You don't know what I want." Shepard supported herself on the wall withdrawing her hand from Miranda's body and looking straight into blue eyes, still very close to Miranda's face. They were both panting heavy.

"Yes, I know it and as hard as this may sound it's not me." Miranda confessed resting her right hand on Shepard's shoulder.

The Commander closed her eyes and turned her face away as if understanding what her second in command was telling her. She pushed herself off the wall and came back to the couch, without saying anything. Miranda composed herself all the best she could and turned to look at Shepard.

"Why you saved me just to die again in a suicide mission?" The Commander asked without looking at Miranda.

"The Illusive Man has devoted significant resources and money to bring you back, because you are the best humanity has to offer and he's sure you are going to survive this mission. But… we didn't save you in the first place as you probably are aware of by this point."

"What do you mean?" Shepard looked up at Miranda. So the asari didn't tell her? Lawson thought.

"It's not my place to tell you."

"What the fuck Lawson?" Shepard slammed her drink on the table, making the glass pieces. Miranda took several steps backwards. Shepard ignored her bleeding hand while Miranda stood there watching Shepard carefully. The Commander wasn't mad at Miranda for not telling her; well that wasn't the only reason. The main reason was that she really hated herself right now for what she just did. She didn't want the self-destructive Shepard back, but she felt like she couldn't control it.

"Please, understand it."

"I don't! I don't understand anything anymore!" Shepard said without looking at her. "I thought she loved me and now she can barely be near me! I fucked her life… and just a few seconds ago I was going to do the same to you! I'm a monster..." Her last words left her mouth like a whisper. Saying it out loud wasn't the same as thinking it. Shepard really believed that she was a horrible person.

"Shepard, you are not a monster," the Operative said approaching her Commander again "because it wasn't your fault. Each person chooses their own paths and there is nothing you can do to change people's mind." Miranda's calmed tone seemed to sooth Shepard, who turned around and faced shimmering eyes.

"She was in that situation because I let her. If I had rejected her, this wouldn't have happened. If I wouldn't come to your quarters to talk to you—"

"Enough!" Miranda yelled. "I let you do that because I wanted it. You can avoid everything from happening! You have to play with what you have and now you have one last thing to do before we leave Nos Astra." Miranda always had been selfish and she usually got what she wanted, but now she was trying to convince the woman she loved that she still had a chance with the asari. She could be trying to comfort Shepard and make her believe that it was better that way, but she understood that the Commander wouldn't be happy. Yes, Miranda could have been silent a few minutes ago and let Shepard fuck her, but she didn't like being second fiddle. The bond Shepard and Liara had wouldn't be broken that easy. It may last forever and Miranda couldn't live with that.

"Why are you doing this?" Shepard hissed.

"Maybe because I'm a little masochist? Or maybe because I hate seeing you like that? I don't know."

Shepard just nodded. They kept looking into each other's eyes trying to express all the untold feeling they were having, but it was an illusion. Miranda knew Shepard would never be hers.

"Sometimes I wish things were different…" Shepard confessed.

"Me too, but things are as they are and we have to play with the cards we are given."

"I suppose you're right."

"I am right. And now, I'm heading back to the Normandy." She said walking towards the exit, but before she turned around. "Commander, control your habits and keep your personal life in line. It can't affect the mission." Miranda said eyes fixed Shepard's.

"Don't worry. I'll be back soon and ready for the next mission." Shepard nodded and offered a grateful smile before the Operative left the room. Maybe Miranda had prevented Shepard for becoming a self-destructive being again.

Shepard stared at her injured hand and took a decision. If Liara didn't want anything from her, she would get it anyway.

A/N: Let me know your thoughts in the comments! Thanks for reading ;)