Track 3 – Make You Feel My Love (Adele)
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
The door the hospital wing squealed incriminatingly in the darkened hallway of the castle as he nudged it open. Sirius winced and aimed his wand at the hinges wondering if there was any merit to what Peter said about Filch purposely rigging the doors to catch midnight wanderers such as himself with deceptively squeaky doors. Was it this loud last month?
"Silencio," he muttered, pushing the door noiselessly open and slipping inside. He tugged James's cloak off when he was satisfied the room was empty, save, of course, for one dark figure hidden partially behind pale blue curtains.
The curtains whispered softly as he moved passed them to stand beside his friend who was sleeping soundly, flat on his back, one pale, bandaged arm thrown up carelessly above his head in a manner rather unbefitting the normally careful boy. He smiled at the peaceful, sleeping face bathed in moonlight and felt his stomach clench nervously. What was he even doing here? They'd stopped the late night excursions to the hospital wing to visit Remus three months ago now, ever since they accomplished the transformation and began spending full moon nights with him instead.
"You lads spent all last night with me. Just get some sleep," he'd said kindly to the three tired boys who could do nothing but nod.
Shoving a leg over, Sirius sat beside his friend, both grateful and jealous that Remus slept like the dead on nights after the full. Despite Remus's protests, Sirius couldn't stay away. He would lay awake in his four-poster, looking at the empty bed beside his own and thinking of the boy it usually contained. He would toss and turn and lose himself in confusing thoughts before eventually giving up and sneaking down to the hospital wing.
He reached a hand up to brush a lock of hair away from Remus's face, his fingers ghosting over the soft locks before pulling his hand away quickly as if burned. "Merlin, I am such a woman," he said miserably to the sleeping boy. "You lot should burn my man card and force me, at wand point, to walk off the Astronomy Tower in a pair of knickers and bra as is the true Marauder tradition of execution for crimes such as treason, complimenting Snivelly's hair, and wanting to snog your fellow Marauder."
Remus merely slept on but Sirius could imagine the snarky remark on his sanity in the soft tenor of Remus's voice anyway. Now that he'd said it out loud he suddenly felt a bit better. Like drawing poison from a wound, maybe if he could get it out of his system then these confusing thoughts would leave him and he could go back to fancying girls instead of wondering at random intervals throughout the day what it would feel like to kiss Remus Lupin.
Are his lips as soft as they look? What would they taste like? Would he moan as Sirius kissed him? Not like the few girls Sirius kissed moaned or sighed but like he did when he bit into a particularly delicious piece of chocolate. Would he close his eyes and trace his tongue along his lower lip, seeking any lingering taste of Sirius's kiss like he did with the sweet? Suppose he did, he thought with a horrified gasp. Suppose Remus liked it? Then what would he do? He supposed he could find a matching pair of knickers and bra and they could jump off the Astronomy Tower together.
It would be so much easier if all Sirius wanted was to kiss his friend. Could get over the physical desire, but things with Remus were never that easy. The boy had a way of getting under Sirius's skin that he was only just beginning to understand. He recalled hexing bullies back in first year that picked on the small boy. Researching desperately with James to find some way to help Remus through his transformations and then working tirelessly to accomplish the feat of becoming an Animagus. Sneaking him chocolate, helping with assignments he missed, forcing him out of the library on occasion to indulge in a bit of mischief (fun is good for the soul, Moony!) and a million other small things that were starting to carry a whole new meaning as he looked at them from the other side of things.
But they were friends, weren't they? He'd do any of those things for James or Peter. Friends looked out for each other. But he wasn't doing those things for James or Peter. He was doing them for Remus. Always for Remus. He wasn't sure when an eleven year-old's desire to protect his friend became a young man's mission to make the other boy happy. Generally speaking, the happiness of other people was rarely a concern of his—in fact, just the opposite if you happened to be a greasy-haired git or snotty little brother. Why then was making Remus Lupin smile, making him laugh, easing his pain, the most important thing in his life?
He thought back the three months ago, when he watched, through doggie eyes, as the werewolf tore itself from the boy's frail body. Was horrified and angry and fascinated as his friend was lost to gut-wrenching screams and piercing howls.
"You don't have to come back next time," he'd told them the next morning, looking vulnerable and humiliated as he hugged his knees tightly to his chest. "If you—you're freaked out or…"
Sirius only threw blanket around his bare shoulders and helped him to his feet. "We're coming back. Do you think I spent the last three years STUDYING for nothing?"
"Besides, who else will play with Padfoot?" James asked.
Remus laughed darkly, his lip trembling only slightly as he fought back tears. They tucked him into the lumpy bed, ignoring his protests of "I don't need a mum, you lot!" and making a hasty exit before Madam Pomfrey showed up.
That night Sirius sat beside Remus as he slept, much like he was doing now, hoping fervently that the joint efforts of the other three boys had made a difference and full of admiration at the strength Remus possessed. To face it every month, his shoulders squared, even if his knees were shaking. You don't have to try so hard any more, he thought as he watched Remus sleep. I'm here. And he vowed he always would be, even if it was only to himself, and even if he still didn't know how significant it was to make such a promise.
Remus sighed in his sleep and shifted. Sirius tensed but Remus slept on, mumbling something incoherent. Sirius felt his heart melt and when his hand moved automatically to brush through golden-brown hair, he let it, carding his fingers through the short hair at the other boy's temple before coming to rest on the side of his neck.
"God, what am I doing?" he asked himself, watching his thumb moving back and forth on the warm skin, but he was unable to pull away. In his head, Remus was asking him if he preferred his knickers to be all-cotton or lace. "Shut up, Remus," he said and leaned forward to press their lips together in a chaste kiss.
He pulled away quickly, his heart hammering in his chest, completely surprised with himself. The thought of Remus pushing him forcibly off the Astronomy Tower, walking-the-plank style, as James a Peter hummed a funeral dirge, complete with eye-patches and little stuffed parrots on their shoulders was not enough to stop him from doing it again, however. Remus had soft, warm lips, even better than Sirius imagined, and this close he could smell the soap on his skin from his earlier shower. Remus shifted again and Sirius jumped backward, overbalancing and falling flat on his arse. He poked his head over the side of the bed and breathed a sigh of relief that Remus was still sleeping, his brow furrowed.
Throwing the Invisibility Cloak over himself he exited the hospital wing as quickly and as quietly as he could before he was tempted again. When he was back in the safety of his four-poster once more he buried his head under his pillow feeling miserable. Remus would be mortified if he knew and Sirius vowed to never tell him, not even under threat of torture. But the life-altering epiphany finally hit him like a Bludger to the gut. He was falling for his friend.
"Fuck," he muttered, touching his lips and remembering how nice it felt to kiss the other boy. He felt something that might have been despair, or quite possibly joy, bubbling in his chest but pushed it resolutely away. Remus did not need this. He would forget this crush. For Remus. He would go with James and Peter to retrieve their comrade the next morning, make jokes over breakfast, and plot their adventure for the next full moon. For Remus. And he would keep his promise to always be there when Remus needed him and even when he didn't. For Remus, he thought bravely as he drifted off to sleep.
A note from Rewrites: I know this is a Bob Dylan song, but I really like this version.