Chapter Three
"So what else do you have planned for today? This conditioner thing was pretty much all that was on my agenda so…" Yasu trailed off as she stood alongside her friends.
Hanataro sighed and began secretly mopping up the water Hisagi had spilled, before Yasu could notice and scold him for not trying to scoop the liquid back into the bucket.
"We have work… things to do, you know, lieutenant stuff." Renji informed her, unsure of himself.
"Like fighting to the death over hair products?" Yasu offered, smiling.
"We weren't fighting 'to the death', that's an over exaggeration."
Saiko turned to Hisagi, "The hair product part is not. He wouldn't let a girl take the last conditioner in the barracks."
Hisagi raised an eyebrow at Renji.
"Oh dear…." Saiko blushed suddenly.
"What?" Renji scowled at her.
"No, no, I just remembered I forgot to separate my laundry from all of you boys in squad six…"
"What does that matter?"
"Well…" Saiko trailed off.
Meanwhile in the squad six barracks, Byakuya picked up a laundered robe from the pile of clean clothes. He held it up to a near by window, making sure it was rid of all lint before he allowed himself to wear it. To his dismay, lint fuzz was not the only thing stuck to his clothing. One of Saiko's small lacy thongs smiled at him from against the black fabric.
Renji tried to hold back a laugh. "I wish I was there to see his face…"
"I wish I was there to pick up the laundry…" Hisagi smirked.
"That's so nice of you!" Yasu exclaimed. "The Sixth Captain would probably throw that thong in a fit of rage!"
"That's what I was thinking…"
"Captain Kuchiki throwing the thong in a fit of rage…" Renji said slowly, trying to imagine it.
"Why. Is. This. HERE!" Byakuya threw the thong with all his might, but it merely floated to the floor in front of him like a sakura petal.
Renji quickly shook off the thought.
"You're not imagining them right." Saiko shook her head at Renji.
"What?"
"I can see it in your eyes, you think they're blue, but they're not, they're yellow."
"I don't give a damn what color they are!" Renji roared. "I'm not even thinking about it anymore!"
"Such lies Abarai." Saiko narrowed her eyes at him.
"You're so stylish, Saiko." Yasu smiled at her.
"I have many styles and colors, but the particular ones I'm thinking of are yellow."
"That's very interesting. What would you say yoru favorite color is?" Hisagi questioned.
"Stop. Please." Renji begged.
Hanataro kept his head down as he watched his feet awkwardly. "I shouldn't be listening to this."
"You're right! Keep scrubbing!" Yasu scolded.
"But I'm finished." Hanataro picked up the bucket.
"Oh… Well, that was easy. I guess we better get going then… unless you have any other tasks that need my careful touch?"
Hana's eyes begin to droop with the suggestion.
"Oh, Yasu, all this talk of panties reminds me, I have been informed of the mission that you need my assistance with and I will give it very willingly." Saiko saluted.
"Why is squad four being assigned to a mission?" Hisagi asked.
Renji began to blush. "You really don't want to know…"
"You asked Loey for help? Isn't that cheating…" Hana pointed out.
"Shh, you won't tell will you Hana?" Yasu began stroking his hair.
"I'm afraid of what you'll do to me if I—"
"Oh I knew I could count on you!" Yasu gave him a quick hug before turning her attention back to the conversation.
Renji shook his head.
"Saiko, I will meet you where the water runs freely though confined by a closet that only the fairest can enter as the sun fades just behind the shortest rice stalk."
"You mean meet her in the ladies bathroom at dusk?" Hisagi offered his translation.
"Shh Ninth Lieutenant!" Yasu shushed frantically.
Renji frowned at Hisagi. "How do you know that?"
"Shh, Abarai!" Saiko held a finger up to her lips. "Thanks Lieutenant Hisagi, I never would have figured that out on my own."
Renji eyed Hisagi suspiciously.
"The Ninth Lieutenant must have the mind of a women." Yasu nodded.
"Yeah." Renji turned his attention to her.
"Or I understand the minds of women." Hisagi corrected.
"Hmm…" Yasu tapped her bottom lip.
"You should take some lessons from Lieutenant Hisagi, Abarai, you could do a lot better at understanding women." Saiko pointed out.
"I understand women just fine." Renji narrowed his eyes.
"Which is why you and the third seat fight all the time?" Hanataro asked, genuinely curious and trying to figure it out.
Renji shot him a nasty glare.
"What?"
Yasu shook her head. "You don't know the first thing about women, Renji."
"I know plenty…" Renji defended, surprised that even Yasu was beginning to gang up on him.
"Like what?" She smiled.
"I don't think I should be listening to this." Hanataro reached up to cover his ears.
"Shh, Hana, you could learn something valuable."
"I know that women want to be left alone when they're upset." Renji started.
"No we don't, we want people by us." Saiko said.
"Anytime I come by you, you yell at me!"
"Exactly! I need someone to yell at! So act like a man and stand there and take it!"
"I am a man and I don't need to go out of my way to get brow-beaten by you1" Renji shouted.
Kenpachi sat down at his desk in the squad eleven barracks, though with his broad muscles he was much too large for the chair. "Okay… where's the pen?" He searched the desk before picking up a small ball point pen. "I hold it like this, right?"
Yachiru humped down off his shoulder and took a piece of paper off the pile sitting infront of her captain. "No like this, Kenny!" She took the pen and began drawing a picture.
"That's nice."
"I bet you think women like to get flowers too." Yasu challenged.
"Uh… yeah?" Renji said, unsure.
"Wow, you're good."
Hisagi clapped slowly.
Renji's eye brow twitched in annoyance. "I don't need your patronizing attitude, Hisagi."
"I'm not going to ask my question with all these people here." Kira said to Hisagi.
Hisagi nodded.
"Awh," Saiko waved sadly. "By Lieutenant Hisagi."
"What's wrong with you? Why are you acting so weird, there's nothing great about that guy." Renji looked over at Saiko.
"Yeah, you're right… Except his hair… and his tattoos… and his eyes…"
"I guess this means we should disband…" Yasu said quietly.
Renji watched as Hisagi walked away. "I don't see it…" He grumbled.
"That's because he's wearing a baggy hakama, you'll have to stop him in the shower if you want to see it." Yasu whispered to him.
Renji jumped back, "What are you talking about?"
"Break!" Yasu clapped.
"Let me know when you do that, Abarai, I'll join you." Saiko offered.
"What's wrong with you?" Renji shouted.
"A lot of things." She sighed, "Well, we're off!"
"I thought you three were leaving." Renji watched Yasu and Saiko as they stood there, not moving.
"We will, once you leave, we can't have you knowing where we're going!"
Yasu linked arms with Saiko, "Come, Hana."
Hanataro sighed and picked up the bucket and followed the two girls.
"We're going on a secret under cover mission into undiscovered, unexplored territory. It's going to be dangerous, possibly fatal, but I think if we work together we can be successful. You in?"
"I feel as though it would be pointless for me to answer this question because I already informed you I would assist you with your mission." Saiko declared. "I can't guarantee you two will survive, but I will be able to extract the information without a problem. Hopefully… He's not going to be anywhere near the squad eleven barracks when this is happening, right? He'll be at least half an hours run away?"
Without issue the three arrived at the squad four barracks. Yasu shook her head, "This is my stop, we'll explain everything later… meet us at the central ladies washroom at dusk." She saluted and Hanataro obediently followed her inside.
Later that night Saiko walked down one of the dimly lit streets accompanied by the Ninth Lieutenant.
"Thanks for walking me to the ladies washroom, Lieutenant Hisagi, what a coincidence that we were both headed that way! Why were you headed that way again?"
"To make sure that there aren't any perverts peeping on the poor women." Hisagi explained.
"Like Captain Kyoraku?" Saiko pointed to Shunsui who was currently peeking through the bathroom window.
Yasu stood unaware on the other side of the window, fixing her makeup in the bathroom mirror.
"Wonderful architecture, I admire whoever decided to put a window to the ladies bathroom." Shunshui smiled to himself, enjoying the view.
"Captain Kyoraku? What are you doing?" Saiko asked.
Shunsui turned around, "Ah, hello, just admiring the architecture." He waved a hand.
Saiko stepped up and peered through the window. "The architecture, or Yasu?"
"Can I not admire both?"
"Sure, if you're a pervert."
"May I ask what you're doing here, Lieutenant Hisagi?" Shunsui turned his attention to Hisagi, avoiding Saikos accusation.
"Making sure Saiko arrived at her destination safely." Hisagi smiled and nodded toward Saiko.
Saiko blushed. "You're such a good guy, Lieutenant Hisagi."
Yasu stepped out of the bathroom. "I thought I heard voices, uhm." She looked around at the men standing next to Saiko. "I don't know if I made this clear before but, this is kind of a…" Yasu's voice dropped to a whisper. "Secret mission… That means you can't bring friends." She nodded toward Shunsui and Hisagi.
"Hmm, secret mission? What kind of secret mission could the three of you be taking part in?" Shunsui scratched his chin and looked Saiko, Yasu, and Hanataro up and down.
"Sorry, Lieutenant Hisagi, I must be off. Thank you for taking me here safely." Saiko bowed.
"What?" Hisagi questioned.
"That's why you were coming here… remember?"
"Oh… yeah."
Saiko giggled, "You're so forgetful, Lieutenant."
"Let's talk about this inside the water closet." Yasu pointed behind herself as she watched Shunsui wearily.
"Even better, let's talk about it on the way to our destination." Saiko waved franticly to Hisagi. "Bye Lieutenatn Hisagi!"
Hisagi waved slowly back, confused at her enthusiasm.
"Come back soon now~!" Shunsui waved at the girls.
"Okay, here's the plan." Yasu spoke finally, as the three reached the outside of Kenpachi's window. "Saiko, you sneak in through the window and make sure no one's in there. If not, run around and open the door for me."
Saiko tapped on the other side of the glass window. "I'm already in… Do you want me to just open this or…?"
The eleventh captain let out a loud snore from behind Saiko.
"HOLY SHIT HE'S IN HERE!" Saiko covered her mouth and dropped her voice to a whisper. "Holy shit… he's in here."
"Saiko made it in… we can do it, we just have to be very quiet…" Yasu put a finger to her lips, turning to Hanataro.
Saiko slide open the window. "Seriously, I think it'd just be easiest to do this. He looks like he's pretty out of it…."
Kenpachi began swinging his sword in his sleep. "Mmm, I'll kill you all… I'll prove my strength." He slipped over and hugged his blade close to his chest. "I love you, tool with which I use to prove my strength."
"I'm glad I'm not in Squad eleven… My captain isn't nearly as scary when he talks in his sleep." Saiko frowned.
"Maybe if he keeps talking like that no one will hear us rummaging around." Yasu carefully climbed in through the open window. "If you had a second name, where would you keep it?"
"The second drawer on the left." Kenpachi mumbled before rolling over again and letting out another loud snore.
"Wow, that made things easy… really easy if there were any drawers in here…" Yasu looked around, disappointed.
"Maybe he'll just tell us if we ask nicely?" Saiko leaned down to Kenpachi's ear. "Excuse me, Captain Zaraki?"
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" He shouted, slashing in his sleep.
Saiko leaned out of the way. "That's nice, but first, can you tell me your 'other name' or the name of your 'second sword', please?"
"Second sword… one sword." Kenpachi hugged his sword again. "Ramming in the mountains… battering the ladies…" He snored.
Yasu made a face. "I don't understand, but he's making me nervous… Do you think he has a diary or something?" She looked him over. "He doesn't really look the type I suppose."
"That sounds… Painful. I don't want to be here much longer." Saiko tried to reach under Kenpachi's pillow to feel for a diary. "Nope, nothing there…"
"Saiko, how did you… be careful!"
Kenpachi scratched at his face with his sword.
"I don't think he writes anything down… maybe we should try asking him again." Yasu looked worried. "I'm sorry, I didn't plan this out very well."
"Don't worry, I've got this. Captain Zaraki, what is the name of your second sword?" Saiko demanded.
"Already said." Kenpachi rolled over.
Saiko thought back on what Kenpachi had said. "It must be… 'In the Mountains'! That's quite a long second name…"
Yasu leaned down next to Kenpachi's ear and whispered seductively. "Eleventh Captain, you… big boy?" She glanced at Saiko for conformation. "What's the name of your… reproductive instrument?" She looked to Saiko again.
Saiko nodded her approval.
"Hmmm, let me introduce you to my Battering Ram." Kenpachi groped his pillow.
"Uh… we need to get out of here before it gets…" Saiko trailed off, her eyes becoming wide.
"Thank goodness, that's it." Yasu turned off the tape recorder she had in her pocket. "I just won 800 yen! Let's get out of here." Yasu backed up toward the window. "It looks like we're 'In the Mountains'." She pointed to Kenpachi's tented blankets.
"I'm getting out of these mountains! I don't want to be here!" Saiko did a quick back flip out of Kenpachi's window.