Chapter 3: In Memoriam

(Set between 1x10 & 1x11)

When Morgana heard that Merlin was going back to his home village with his mother, to help deal with the threat against it, she hadn't thought twice about joining them. Even Gwen had seemed initially surprised at the decision, although her maid, of course, was delighted to have the excuse to offer her support to her good friend.

"But y-y- you can't. I mean, why would you?" Merlin's question to her was slightly panicked, and she understood his nerves; knew that he was thinking about their near kiss in her chambers and worried at how it might appear to others. But Morgana had her answer already planned – using the help he'd given with the druid boy as an excuse – a returning of the favour. Nothing more.

Overall their mission was a success, even if the conclusion had been far from expected. Merlin's old friend had been a sorcerer, using his magic to turn the tide when everything had seemed lost. That someone with magic had given his own life to save Arthur – the son of a king who condemned it – was an interesting irony that Morgana might enjoy dwelling on at some future point, but Merlin had lost a very good friend in the process and seeing him so upset made their journey back to Camelot an especially sombre one.

When she caught glimpses of Merlin in the corridors in the days immediately after returning, he seemed his usual, cheerful self and when with Arthur he continued to be his usual cheeky self but then, three days after they'd returned from Ealdor, Morgana crossed paths with the young man in that quiet corridor again and she saw it had all been an act. His head was down and his eyes, for that heartbeat of time before he noticed her, were full of sorrow. Then he instantly plastered a smile on his face; one that she could now see was a mask.

"My lady," he said with the smallest of bows.

"Merlin. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine," he replied rather too brightly.

"You shouldn't try to ignore the feelings, Merlin. I did that once and it wasn't helpful."

"W-what do you mean?" he asked.

"When I lost my parents."

"Oh." He blinked then, his own grief suddenly forgotten. "That must have been awful for you, especially considering how young you were at the time."

"I'm not sure that age has much to do with it," she replied pointedly, but he just shrugged at the comment. "I tell you what, if you bring me my sleeping draught tonight, we can talk about it," Morgana suggested.

"Oh, I'm not sure that's such a good idea," he argued.

"That was an order, Merlin, not a request."

"But..."

"Don't be late," she finished, firmly.

~o~0~o~

Although Morgana didn't think it was especially appropriate to be in her nightdress when Merlin called, simple practicality dictated that she had little choice. Gwen would certainly question why she wished to stay dressed long past the usual time for changing and Morgana had already guessed that Merlin wouldn't arrive until late, if at all, due to the ridiculous number of duties Arthur seemed to insist the boy needed to do for him. So, in the end, she was grateful that she had made herself ready to bed, even though she had tried her hardest to dress modestly as possible.

"I've brought your sleeping draught," Merlin said with an obvious glare, turning the full force of his rebellious side on her and making her suddenly aware of what it was Arthur both loved and hated about his manservant.

"Come in, Merlin," she said gently, opening the door a little wider.

"Ah, I don't think so," he replied, looking over his shoulder apprehensively.

"As I said before, I understand what it is to loose someone who's close to you and I was at Ealdor too so, I'd like to help."

"I don't see how you can," he mumbled, but he was already moving into her room as he spoke, heading for the nearby chair.

"Just tell me about Will," she suggested, perching on the edge of her bed. "About what you two got up to as children."

He started nervously, almost apologetically, as if he didn't feel it right to talk to her about trivial boyish matters, but Morgana noticed that Merlin had a great way of telling stories; an engaging manner and style that made the most mundane, childish tale seem far more exciting than any of epic sagas she'd read.

He started to relax into the role then, smiling and laughing along with her but, inevitably, the more negative emotions soon began to take over and, as he stumbled on one story about a fallen tree, Morgana heard his voice crack and saw his eyes start to brim with tears before he quickly lowered his head. She moved over to him then, resting a hand on his shoulder and he turned his head further away, obviously embarrassed.

"I just find it so frustrating, so futile," Merlin mumbled. "I can't help thinking I could have done more … that the whole situation could have been tackled differently."

"What do you mean? Part of you blames Arthur perhaps?" she suggested. "It's only natural. I know he felt guilty about it too."

"No, no. Not that but … perhaps if I'd gone alone..."

"...then you would have been dead too," she finished firmly. "Merlin, it's only natural to blame yourself or others when someone dies. I admit that I often blame Uther for my father's death but, whether or not it's true, does it really help?"

"No," he sniffed. "I suppose not." She handed him a handkerchief and, after wiping his eyes, he quickly stood and started to walk towards the door. "I should go."

"Merlin, there's no need." She moved more quickly and stood in front of him, blocking his path.

"Thank you for listening, Morgana. You were right, it did help."

"But you're still upset," she argued, "and it breaks my heart to see it."

She moved closer, saw his eyes were still full of tears and acted without thinking, grabbing the top of his head and pulling him down towards her shoulder, enclosing the tall young man in a slightly awkward hug. He didn't object, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, and Morgana could feel him shaking against her slightly, obviously crying again.

"Hush, Merlin, it's all right. I'm here," she crooned, one hand still stroking his thick, black hair.

He squeezed her tightly in response before one of his hands started to run up and down her back, the other on her waist. She found her own hands moving too, one still on his head, the other on his shoulder and then, suddenly, the atmosphere changed as the embrace moved from pure comfort to something else entirely.

"Sshh," she said again, although the word was automatic as she fought with the conflicting feelings of staying close in his arms or pushing him away. Merlin shifted his head very slightly and Morgana suddenly felt warm lips on her neck and gasped as he kissed her throat. Then, before she had time to fully work out what was happening, he had moved both of his hands to her face and his lips were suddenly against hers, kissing her desperately.

It wasn't quite what she had expected; his kisses seemed awkward and a bit frantic, but she accepted them anyway enjoying the feeling of his body against her, revelling in the intimacy of the situation.

"Morgana..." he moaned, kissing her more urgently and his hands moved suddenly from her face to her waist, pulling her hips against his in an especially intimate clinch. She felt a sudden, strange fear then – the uncomfortable realisation of the power a man could have over a woman in this situation and, although she wasn't scared of Merlin, knew he wouldn't harm her, the thought was enough to make her realise just how inappropriate this situation was and where it was now likely to lead.

And part of her was seriously tempted to allow that to happen because, despite her nervousness and despite his clumsiness, she had to admit that the sensations were not entirely unpleasant and there was no doubt that her attraction to Merlin had been growing steadily in recently weeks. However, despite everything, Morgana knew that he really wasn't himself right now and it probably wasn't right to let this continue as a result.

She moved her own hands then, sliding them in-between the almost non existent space between their waists and placed her hands on his chest, gently pushing him away.

"No, Merlin. Not now. Not like this."

He jumped away from her as if she had burnt him. His eyes wide and full of guilt. "Oh, sorry. Morgana, I'm so sorry I just wasn't thinking and..."

"No, it's not all your fault," she admitted. "I started it. I was the one who insisted you came here in the first place."

He shook his head, backing away towards the door. "No, but really, that was … I shouldn't have acted like that."

"You were the one who said you shouldn't have come tonight and I was the one that hugged you."

"I didn't mean to hurt you." The poor boy looked so guilty that she was determined that he understood that she wasn't upset. She moved back towards him, placing gently hands on his arms.

"You didn't. I'm fine. Look. Would I want to get back this close to you if I blamed you?" He shook his head cautiously. "To be honest I only really stopped it because you weren't yourself, because you are grieving. Otherwise, who knows, I might just have let you continue." She grinned brightly and he looked shocked at the suggestion.

"Morgana!"

"What? You know that I've been waiting for that kiss for some while now."

He frowned. "That wasn't an appropriate kiss for a lady like you."

"Then I expect you to do much better next time," she replied with a hint of a smile.

He gaped at her and she tried hard not to laugh at the look of total shock on his face. She loved putting him off balance and seeing those high cheeks colour so readily.

"G-goodnight, my lady," he stammered, backing towards the door. "I hope the potion helps."

"Oh, don't worry, Merlin. I'll be having nothing but pleasant dreams tonight, of that I'm quite certain." The boy's eyes widened once more and he quickly turned tail and rushed out of her door.

~o~0~o~

Next Time: Merlin is trying hard to avoid Morgana after their previous encounter but she isn't making it easy for him at all. Set during 1x11

A/N: I watched the show from the start but only really shipped Mergana from S3 – perhaps because I felt that was when it started to feel really sexy. Looking back on Series 1 has been especially interesting with my Mergana glasses now on but, even as late as Series 2, Merlin seemed so sweet and innocent with Freya, that I've been trying to find the right balance between getting a Mergana relationship started but not have him suddenly appear confident and experienced in his early dealings with her and then go back to being all shy and nervous around Freya. Hence the slightly awkward, teenage interaction here. Don't worry, I'll be growing him up in line with the show, but I do have a very clear idea of exactly when on the time line things are likely to get really sexy. I wonder what your thoughts are about that and if you'll agree with me. ;)

3/3/13