I returned home and spent the night wandering aimlessly through the house, collecting the few items that were worth packing. Almost everything reminded me of Bella in some way and I could not allow myself to take anything that would make this harder. My perfect memory would be enough torture without having physical reminders of her surrounding me. I drifted to my piano, running my fingers over the keys but not pressing hard enough to produce any sound. It seemed as if I could not stop myself as Bella's lullaby, the one I had written when we first met, suddenly flowed from my fingers, the notes ringing clear and strong against the piano's soundboard. I was playing it in farewell. One last farewell that she would not hear. She had the CD of me playing that I had given her for her birthday, and I decided that she mustn't have this reminder of me. Anything that would be a reminder of our time together would be a distraction that would make getting over me that much harder. I would also have to find a way to get the photos she had taken of me. No reminders, I chanted to myself as her song came to a slow and sad end. As if on cue, my cell phone rang shrilly from my jacket pocket. At this hour, I knew it would be a member of my family and I was somewhat comforted to see Carlisle's name on the display. "Hello, Carlisle," I said solemnly, unsure of what else to say. "Edward," he said, concern thick in his voice. "This is not going to be as easy as I had originally thought," I sighed. He misinterpreted my statement and quickly offered the resolution he though I wanted. "Edward, if you've changed your mind about this, there is no reason that we can't put everything back the way it was. I'm sure the hospital hasn't replaced me yet, and we can all be back home in a few hours." "No," I said, exasperated. "Bella had to work tonight and tomorrow, so I can't leave until Friday afternoon." I didn't like being short with Carlisle. He was such a good person and he gave me credit for the same, despite my many shortfalls. He didn't deserve my scorn and the fact that I was lashing out at him further intensified my unhappiness. His voice held only patience and concern as he responded "I'm so sorry, Edward. I know that delaying action on this decision must make it exponentially more painful. Please let us know if there anything you need. We'll wait for you in Denali as long necessary." I was too upset to respond. "Esme sends her love, son. Do what you must and then come back to us." "Thank you, Carlisle. I'll see you in a couple of days." I hung up the phone but stayed frozen in place. I sat on the piano bench unmoving, barely aware of the time passing until the sounds of life awakening in the forest outside my house alerted me that a new day had begun. The morning started much the same as yesterday had. Bella and I walked in silence from class to class, avoiding each other's eyes. She seemed annoyed by this ongoing behavior. Certainly by now, she had some idea of what was coming. Why had she not asked more questions? This was very out of character for her and it made me uneasy. She was so distracted, she didn't notice when Mr. Berty asked her a question about Romeo & Juliet. Instinctively trying to protect her, as always, I whispered the answer to her and then reverted to my silent state. I could feel her anger at me continuing to rise as the morning progressed but, even as we walked to lunch, free from the rules of the classroom, I maintained my silence. The look in her eyes was rare for her. It bordered on fury and reminded me of the kittenish rage that had been there when she first began to demand answers from me. Had it really been less than a year since I intervened in her seemingly disaster-ridden life, saving her from Tyler Crowley's van? She was such a part of my life, of me, now, that I it seemed impossible that her presence here had been so recent. She was getting more upset by the second and I thought she might boil over at me, here in front of all her friends at the lunch table. Never failing to amaze me, Bella suddenly turned to Jessica Stanley, an artificially happy tone in her voice. "Hey Jess?" "What's up, Bella?" "Could you do me a favor? My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?" Bella had retrieved her camera from her bookbag and handed it to Jessica Stanley. Jessica's snide thoughts, hidden by a look of sincere kindness, were easy to ignore. I was more focused on Bella now than I had let myself become for days. What was she doing? After showing little interest in her father's birthday gift, she was suddenly taking pictures of family and friends, as if to document them. Was she expecting something that would take her away from them, a need to record life as it currently stood? She watched the others at the table as they snatched the camera from one another, trying to catch each other unprepared for the flash. Normally, something like this would have elicited a laugh from her, or a smile at the very least. She looked unamused as she mentally inventoried each picture that was captured, making sure there was at least one photo of everyone at the table. When the click of the camera indicated that there was no more film, Jessica handed the camera back to Bella." I think we used all your film," she said, sounding sincerely sorry for the act. Big deal, she thought. Edward will probably by you another case of film tomorrow. I wish Mike had that kind of money... Her thoughts trailed off and I ignored them, not caring the least bit about Jessica Stanley's selfish desires. "That's okay," Bella said, taking the camera and returning it to her bag, "I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed." What other pictures had she taken? More importantly, why did she need them? What was she thinking? I fumed silently at the fact that her thoughts were so private. If I could only understand what she was thinking, it would make leaving so much easier. I could tell her what she needed to hear in order to give her the clean break she deserved. As things stood, I would just have to do my best. By the time classes ended, I was going out of my mind, wanting to know what ludicrous plan she was attempting to execute. I was so distracted, trying to figure out her mind, that I ran on autopilot the rest of the afternoon, walking her to her car and then driving away from the school largely unaware of what I was doing. Bella was incredibly observant. She knew I was upset and she knew my family had drifted apart over the last few days, trying to deal with the fallout of what had happened. Had she figured out that was I going to leave her, and, if she had, why was she acting as if she were preparing to leave? I mulled this over for some time, trying to understand what she was thinking. Was she planning to chase me if I left her? Suddenly, everything fell into place in my brain as if two disconnected spokes were suddenly aligned. She wasn't planning to run after me, she was planning to run with me. What on earth was she thinking?! Why would I leave Forks if I was planning to stay with her? Her blind loyalty made me angry and ashamed. I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to understand what Bella could be thinking, wishing once again that her mind was, at least temporarily, open. I stashed my car at home to avoid detection and then ran to Newton's just before her shift was supposed to end, making sure that she didn't see me. I longed to get closer but dutifully stayed away, careful to keep a lot of distance between us. I tailed her to the Thriftway, watching her return to her car, developed photos in hand. There were pictures of me in that envelope, I knew. I would have to find a way to remove those from her house, too. Bella made it home and, except for a short side trip to the kitchen that couldn't have given her time for dinner, headed straight to her room. It was dark enough that I could perch quietly in the tree outside her window, invisible from the lighted room within. Bella was sitting on her bed, holding the envelope of developed photos in her lap. She removed the stack of pictures and a look of surprise crossed her face as her eyes settled on the first shot. I quickly recognized the photo she had taken of me just two days ago, right before we had left for her disastrous birthday party. The look on my face was the one I almost always wore when I was with Bella; a look of joy and contentment. It was nothing like the face I had presented to her in the last two days. Bella, as always, appeared well aware of this fact as she frowned slightly at the next two photos, both containing my image. She quickly flipped through the rest of the pictures she had taken in turn. There were photos of her room, her house, her yard, the woods and her friends. This convinced me more than ever that I was right. Bella was preparing to leave her life behind to follow me, to be with me. She fully intended to let go of all the things she held dear in order to stay by my side. I did not deserve that kind of devotion and I seethed in silent self-loathing. I thought nothing could make the act of leaving her more painful, but Bella seemed to find a way. She removed the first three photos from the stack, all of me, and laid them out like a timeline in front of her. I watched as her eyes moved down the progression of images, looking increasingly morose as she went. She of course knew something was wrong. Anyone could have understood that, but Bella was observant and knew me well. She knew what had caused this sudden change in my behavior, she just didn't understand what I had resolved to do to fix things. Bella retrieved the empty scrapbook from her desk and began inserting pictures into the book, stopping now and then to scrawl the names, dates and locations of the pictures in her carefree script below. She looked at me repeatedly through the evening, though she didn't know I was there, hiding just out of sight. I knew that she was looking for me. I almost always stayed with her during the nights. Unless there was a valid reason to not be with Bella, I couldn't stand to lose those hours with her, even in sleep. As the pile of snapshots thinned, Bella picked up the one that I detested. It was the photo Charlie had taken last night of the two of us. I hated myself as I watched Bella's face scrutinize the frozen image of my own. A look of contempt filled her eyes and she folded the picture in half, separating the image of the two of us. She hates me so much for how I've been treating her lately, she doesn't even want me in this record of her life, I thought bitterly to myself. I watched in shock as Bella inserted the photo with my image visible and hiding her own beautiful form. She quickly wrote out the details, "Edward Cullen, Charlie's living room, September 14th," under the folded picture before returning the book to her desk and grabbing a blank pad of paper. "Dear Mom," she began, writing a thank you letter to Renee for the birthday gift. I continued to watch her distracted eyes as they strayed from the letter, first to the window and then the telephone, wondering about my absence and the lack of explanation. When she finally completed the letter, she shoved it into a large manilla envelope along with all the duplicates of the pictures she had just developed. I made a mental note that I would have to steal the package from her before she had the chance to mail it. I knew that she was staying up much later than usual, waiting on me to arrive. Just after midnight, she finally seemed to accept that I would not be coming over. She gave the window one last sad, reproachful gaze and the turned out the light. I did not return home immediately because I knew this would be my last night with her, even if she didn't know I was there. Once her breathing evened and her heart settled into a steady rhythm, I leapt from the tree and silently entered her small room. I watched her sleep fitfully through the night, never allowing myself to touch her or even move close enough to do so. I said my real goodbyes to her silently that night, thinking of all the things I would have said if the situation had not made lying so necessary. I told her why I was leaving and how much I loved her, secretly wishing that she would understand all these things even through the initial sadness of my departure.
The night passed quickly and the sun rose behind the clouds that mercifully cloaked Forks this day. I could not deal with any further delays. I changed clothes to avoid suspicion, knowing her scrutinizing eyes would notice immediately if I did not. I was waiting for Bella again as she pulled into the small parking lot beside the school. As she took in my face, the faint glimmer of hope that had been there melted away, replaced with an emotionless stare that I was sure matched my own. I felt weak as the day progressed, fearing that I would not complete our classes without giving in to my weaker side. It still demanded that I forget this ludicrous course of action and put everything back the way it had been. I found blessed distraction in the thoughts of others this day. I listened to the internal fears and joys around me, pretending that their simplistic predicaments were my own. How easy life was for humans. The worries and emotions that filled their minds were often baseless and forgotten in a short while. The things I felt, the things that kept me thinking, were so much more concrete. There was a permanence to the issues of my life that made most of their problems seem like nothing more than a cloudy day. Bella would recover from this. I knew she loved me in her own human way, but her emotions were not as strong as mine and her need for me was nothing compared to what I felt for her. After a while, she would find someone new and human who could make her happy and fulfilled in a way that I could not. I kept my thoughts focused on these facts as a way to reenforce my rationalization that this was what was best for her, no matter what I wanted. By the time I walked Bella to her truck that afternoon, my resolve had returned in full force. "Do you mind if I come over today?" It felt so strange, asking this question. My presence had always been a given and the sound of the question was unsettling. "Of course not," she replied, seemingly relieved at my returned social skills. "Now?" I queried, helping her into her truck. I had to finish this before anything else could interrupt. "Sure," she said, attempting to sound aloof. "I was just going to drop a letter to Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there." I had almost forgotten about the offensive little envelope that would put a dent in my plan of giving her a fresh start. I reached across her body and stole the parcel from the passenger seat before Bella could stop me. "I'll do it," I muttered, upset at the first lie of many that I would tell her this afternoon. Don't give anything away, I commanded myself. "And I'll still beat you home," I said, fixing the grin I knew she loved on my hard, previously blank face. "Okay," she responded, obviously unfooled by my attempt. I would have to lie better than that if I would have any chance of convincing her that I no longer wanted to be with her. I walked quickly back to my car, the bulging envelope in my left hand. It would not make it to the mailbox. I sped wildly through the streets of Forks, beating Bella home by several minutes. I parked in the spot usually reserved for Charlie's cruiser, took the key hidden under the eaves of the porch and dashed up to her room. I collected the CD I had made for her and snatched all the photos from her book that contained my image. I was about to fly back to my car and store the pilfered items in my trunk when a wave of pain washed over me. I would never see Bella again after today. I would never be close to her. The agony that welled up inside me at this thought was almost uncontainable. How could I keep a part of myself close without her knowing I was with her? The objects that I held in my hands were the only tangible reminders of what had been between us and I felt that, no matter how childish it was, keeping this part of myself with her would keep us linked, even if she were unaware of the fact. Without a second thought, I dropped to my knees and pried a floorboard loose under her bed. I pushed the photos and CD into the small space the hole revealed and then shoved the board back into place. I quietly condemned my actions, chastising myself, but i felt a little better now. I flitted down the stairs and grabbed the small notepad on the fridge, writing a short note in a handwriting that matched Bella's perfectly. Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B. I just needed to get far enough away that no one would hear our conversation. This would take hours and I knew better than to think that Bella would just take me at my word. She would fight and yell and cry, refusing to listen to my insane claims. I didn't plan to go too far into the woods, but Bella had a knack for trouble. I wanted Charlie to know where to fin her in case she stayed where she was, refusing to come back to the house. I stuck the note to the side of the large TV where I knew it would not go unnoticed. I slid back behind the wheel of my car just in time to hear Bella turn onto the street. I met her at her door, relieving her of her backpack, only to toss it back into the cab. I grabbed her hand, feeling as if part of me was dying. "Come for a walk with me," I said, my voice hollow and cold. Her eyes brimmed with hesitation and fear, but she said nothing, allowing herself to be dragged across the yard. We were just out of sight from the house when I wheeled around, dropping her hand and taking a casual stance against a large cedar. "Okay, let's talk," she said firmly. The demanding tone in her voice made me realize that this would be every bit as difficult as I had originally expected. "Bella, we're leaving," I said, laying everything out on the table. I was not going to pull any punches. She was too smart for that and she deserved better. She did not look shocked or angry as she processed my words and I guessed that she did not yet grasp my meaning. "Why now? Another year...." Dragging this out would make it harder on both of us, I knew. I would be direct, making the end as clean and fast as possible. Just like a scalpel, I thought to myself, remembering the countless medical classes I had taken in graduate school, the sharper the scalpel, the cleaner the cut. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." She looked suddenly confused as her strong front faltered and faded away. I scowled at her, mad at myself for allowing our lives to become so tangled. If I had just left Forks when she first came instead of being so weak and self-centered, we both could have been spared this horrid scene. Suddenly her face shifted from a look of uncertainty to one of terrified understanding. "When you say we," she said, too soft to be perceived by human ears. So I was right. She had thought that my flight from this dreary little town would include her. "I mean my family and myself." She maintained her stunned silence for what felt like an eternity, shaking her head as she processed the information that was not what she had expected to hear. "Okay," she said slowly. "I'll come with you." Why did she have to be so damned stubborn? Didn't she understand that her presence was against the very core of this iniquitous plan? Internally, my hardened stance fell apart. She suddenly looked so fragile in her thin shirt and blue jeans and I wanted more than anything to spare her unnecessary pain. My voice unwillingly bordered on tenderness as I tried another approach. "You can't, Bella. Where we're going . . . It's not the right place for you." "Where you are is the right place me," she replied fervently. Her voice was beginning to sound panicky and wild. "I'm no good for you, Bella." They were the first sincere words I had spoken to her in days. "Don't be ridiculous," she cried out, unable to hold onto the calm tone her voice struggled to maintain. "You're the very best part of my life." This statement reminded me once again why I was leaving her. What did it say about her quality of life with me when the best part of it was a monster. An animal that had put her in danger on a constant basis and who had almost killed her himself? "My world is not for you," I said. She retorted in a second, not leaving a moment of silence between my statement and her reply. "What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" "You're right," I replied, crossly. "It was exactly what was to be expected." "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-" she accused desperately. "As long as that was best for you," I corrected gently before her accusations could continue. "No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Her temper flared and her frightened tone was suddenly replaced by rage. "Carlisle told me about that and I don't care Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!" I knew she and Carlisle had shared this conversation. He had made no pretense to hide it from me when I came back into the house to take her home after they spoke. The difference was, I had not known Bella's feelings in response to the revelation that my soul was likely lost, as hers would be if she joined me. I looked at the ground, afraid that my eyes would give me away as I processed her reaction to this knowledge. I had hoped this new information would change her mind, pushing her towards a lifetime of humanity rather than the alternative. She may not care wether she would end up in heaven or hell, but I certainly did. The renewed anger allowed me to pull out my final weapon. the one I knew would start the biggest row yet. I stared into her face with the cruelest look I could muster and finally spoke, my words coming out smooth and clear. "I don't want you to come with me." I said the words slowly, knowing that each syllable I uttered was a sin unto itself. Bella looked as if I had just spoken the phrase in a foreign language, her face deep in concentration as if to decipher what I had just said. "You . . . don't . . . want me?" She repeated the words back to me as if she didn't comprehend the meaning of them. What was I thinking, trying to make her believe such a ridiculous lie? "No," I said, barely choking the word. I stared back at her, afraid that she would call my bluff if I looked away for even an instant. She would never believe this and I would have to create another deception that would allow to me leave. She looked at me again, as if measuring the veracity of my words, trying to look for anything in my face that my contradict my words. "Well, that changes things." What? Did she just accept my claim that I didn't want her, didn't want her with me? How could she be so foolish? In my mind, I was dropping to my knees. My arms were wrapped around her, my face pressed against her stomach, begging her to forgive me for being so stupid and cruel. In reality, I had not moved an inch. I couldn't bare to look at her, so I stared off into the woods, pretending that it was more interesting than she was. "Of course, I'll always love you . . . in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm . . . tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I knew that what I had just said was true, though I had phrased it in a way to hide what I really felt. I loved her in a way that made me feel alive for the first time in decades. I loved her in a way that was strong and permanent. No amount of distance or time would ever diminish my love for her. It was also true that I was tired of pretending of being something that I wasn't. I was tired of pretending that I could be what she needed. I wanted to be human for Bella, but I knew this could never be. I would have happily stayed like this forever, let my increasingly strong human instincts take over, with Bella by my side. the problem was, I knew I could never be enough for her. I finally composed myself enough to look back to her face, letting the final words escape my lips. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
The reality of the situation seemed to be settling in Bella's mind, as the glimmers of pain and obstinence I had expected to see began to appear on her face. "Don't," she whispered. "Don't do this." If she were going to resist me, I knew there was only one thing I could do to make her listen. She was always so self-sacrificing and I knew she would never stay away for her own good. I would have to use her own kindness against her and play on the one thing I could. "You're no good for me, Bella." this seemed to do the job. I watched as she thought through the words with a look of pained belief. She opened her mouth to say something, but then changed her mind. To say that Bella was not good for me was ludicrous. She was the best part of me. She was my humanity, my hope, my faith and all that was good in my heart. She was the reason I began to question if I still might have my soul. Finally, she spoke. "If . . . that's what you want," she said, seemingly resigned to my decision. The fact that this conversation had taken so little time, that she believed me so easily, sent a sharp stabbing pain through my body, focusing on my heart. Unable to answer Bella's statement, I simply nodded. This was really it. I was about to walk away and never see my beautiful Bella again. I thought about all the reasons that I had stayed with her in the first place. She was a danger magnet. Even when I wasn't around, she trouble seemed to find her. Unable to stop myself, I made one last plea, though it came out as an indifferent request. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." No! my weaker side screamed. Think what will happen to her if you leave her alone! who will protect her? I felt like I wanted to die. how could fate ask me to make such a terrible choice; stay and ruin her life or leave and risk her safety. My eyes began to prick with invisible tears and I quickly composed my face, hoping Bella had not seen the look in my eyes. "Anything," Bella said fervently. Even when I was being unfair and cruel, she was loyal and steadfast to me. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I had completely lost the calm in my voice. If this was going to be the only thing with which I left her, I was going to make it count. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I'm doing this for you, Bella. Don't waste my sacrifice by getting hurt and dying! Bella nodded and I instantly felt a small amount of relief. Bella had promised to do whatever I asked, and even in this pain, I knew she loved me enough to honor my request. I controlled my gaze as I continued "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself--for him." For me! God, Bella, if it's the last thing you do, take care of yourself for my sake. Once you leave this earth, I won't be able to stand being here without you. "I will," she mumbled softly. "And I'll make you a promise in return," I said, knowing this last conversation was quickly coming to a close. "I promise that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." I had meant these words as a comforting promise. I knew she wouldn't take them that way today but, perhaps, several weeks from now when she had more perspective, they would be a comfort. Bella's heart picked up and the look in her eyes made me think she might pass out. Trying to calm her, I said, "Don't worry. You're human--your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." This didn't seem to help her in the least. Her desperate eyes locked on mine. "And your memories?" she croaked out, barely able to speak the words. Did she think I could actually forget her? "Well," I said quickly, not sure what to say at first. "I won't forget. But my kind . . . we're very easily distracted." I smiled gently at her, trying to make it sound as if I had enjoyed my time with her, and nothing more. Again, the urge to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness hit me full force. I had to leave before I lost control. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." A new look of pain and realization flickered on Bella's face. "Alice isn't coming back." Her lips formed the words without making much sound. How had she just now come to this realization? Hadn't I said that my family was leaving? Fearing that she might be in shock, I spoke slowly, reenforcing my story to make sure she understood. "no. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." "Alice is gone?" I had known that my sister had befriended Bella, but I had been so busy wrapped up in my relation with her, I was completely taken by surprise at how close they must have become. No wonder Alice fought me when I decided to leave. I couldn't let this one last thing add to the pain in Bella's heart. "She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." It was time. I had delayed as long as I could and now there was nothing left to do but leave. "Goodbye, Bella." "Wait!" she cried frantically, reaching out to grab me, as if that would keep me with her. Knowing that her embrace would leave me weak and defeated, I captured her wrists and held them to her sides. She seemed too daze to fight back, looking up at me with her terrified, childlike eyes. I kissed her lightly on the forehead and her eyes closed in automatic response. "Take care of yourself," I whispered. Know that I will love you until the end of eternity, no matter what happens, I thought. I turned and ran into the forest before she could open her eyes.
Thanks so much for all the support. This has kept me sane while we wait for our adoption to go through. I appreciate all the great feedback. :)