Disclaimer: I do not own Den, nor do I own Ber, Tino, 'Rus-Dude', 'Ed' or 'Gil' or any of the other characters in this story.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to all those who favourited, reviewed and alerted: DerpAthon, Intrasule, Otaku Overlord, rhired191, ShrapnelGirl, Zeroluver567, Fluffiet, IrishMaid, Tamarutaca, Kawaii Waffle-chan DESU, kikigirl4321, robotchild50, Ensiya.

Warnings: swearing, drunkenness, Prussia.

Chapter 3 – No Ado about Anything

1219

So we invaded little Baltic country Estonia. Esty dude put up a bit of a fight, but surrendered to the almighty power that is me, the King of Northern Europe. And my boss, King Valdemar. Crazy name, crazy guy.

Esty, or Eduard Von Bock or something, is quite cute in a simple kind of way. I think he's a bit daft and not right in the head. He said something about a compromise when I said he would submit to me.

So my boss said it would like be a marriage or union or something. I said there was no way I was gonna marry no dude. Unless it was Norge of course, Norge told me to shut the hell up. The messenger had to scribble all that down and then scratch it out.

Of course I've been married before – I mean there was Mathilda and others but never to a dude. I mean I ain't gay. Norge told me it was all politics and to shut up. King Valdemar told me to get on with it.

Anyway, I will of course totally dominate Estonia and he will be like everybody else and completely submit to my power, strength and awesome hair. Ed – that's Estonia's name – shook hands with me like some kind of posh merchant or something and then sold me and my men half a tonne of wool and fur and some shit that I'm sure we don't really need.

Well, my boss said we have to seal the pact, have the wedding and a proper wedding night. Valdemar said that if we don't, it won't be legal. Esty went a bit pale.

I said "Hell yeah! But only if I'm the groom and he's the bride!" There's no way I'm wearing a dress again. They're dead draughty and the skirt dragged about – it totally gets in the way of punching out dudes. Not that I'd know that of course. Stop writing that down!

So of course we got married. Ed wouldn't wear a dress either. He had on this jacket and trousers and he looked like a complete goon. I, of course, wore my full Viking gear. Ed made me sign a piece of paper with tons of writing on it.

Well, I ain't got time for that shit. I said that to him and the little dude just shrugged and said he wanted my 'autograph'! How sweet is that? Dude! The guy loves me, even if he is a bit simple.

Norge told me I was a fool for signing something without reading it first. My boss thumped me on my head chinking my helmet but I don't care.

The wedding feast was a riot – literally. Even Ber and Tino were there. They were a bit worried about Ed but I reassured them that I'd be gentle. My top lads Sven, Sven and Sven all brought in their homebrew "Bellybuster XXX" with them. I drank at least twelve flagons of the stuff and then fell under the table.

I don't remember much after that. Sven or probably Sven, but it might have been Gordon or even Ber, carried me up to my bedchamber and I had fantastic wild sex with someone. I really hope it was Ed.

The reason I'm not sure is I woke up wearing a skirt and with Norge's troll in my bathtub. Anyway, I managed to find my manly Viking gear and get myself down for my breakfast (us Vikings have to have brekkie – although we don't call it brekkie – to power us up for all that pillaging) and asked where my 'wife' was.

The 'wife' was apparently outside in the yard meeting some merchants who'd come by selling silk and rubbish. Bloody silly Esty bought a load of stuff. I told him he was an idiot but he just shrugged. He'd bought the whole lot off them.

I shall have to have words with him about his finances and whether we'd actually 'consummated' our marriage.

The wedding presents were the usual rubbish. A bloody great sword from Ber which I couldn't lift, Tino gave me several crates of mead, that weirdo Rus guy sent several crates of bottles that looked like water – my men tasted some of it, fell over and couldn't get up for three days, and embroidered towels from Poland and Lithuania. Who in the right mind gives towels to a Viking?

A few weeks later

I'm a bit annoyed really. Ed sold most of our wedding presents. I managed to save some of the towels – they were awesome and well fluffy – great for when I've had my monthly bath.

I asked him where my share of the money was from the sale and he waved a piece of paper at me. I think it was that piece of paper that I signed before the wedding.

Since our wedding night, he hasn't been in my bed at all... And I'm not even sure he was there then. I worry about who was there. He keeps making up excuses. He had backache, headache and just the other day had his 'period'. I had no idea dudes could get stuff like that. Maybe it's just non-Viking dudes who get them. I asked Norge this and he told me I was a fool. I then asked Norge if he would marry me instead and he told me he had to go and sort out some trouble in Oslo.

So married life was much like single life really. Except with less sex.

Esty always seemed to be out selling and buying stuff and then buying land with his money. I told him the best investment for money was beer but he ignored me. I think he's a bit simple. I mean why buy land and build fortresses on it? Land's always going to be there. I told him this but he just smiled.

Anyway, it's a bummer that I only got the northern bit of Ed, the southern bit are part of this Teutonic Order. I asked Norge if this was why I wasn't getting any sex and he told me I was a fool.

Anyway, the Teutonic Order are a bunch of religious nutjobs. They are part of some religious order or something under instruction from the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor and all that jazz.

Their nutjob leader and his men came to visit to ask my boss for an alliance along with Ber because they wanted to convert Russia to their mad-ass religion.

Now, the only religion I have is beer and women and I told Valdemar this and he told me to shut up and that this was important. So I did shut up. Nobody listens to Nations anyway. We just have to go out and fight. I told him that messing with that big crazy guy Rus was a bad idea... but oh no... don't listen to me.

Anyway, we had to tell our wenches to go home, hang some religious tapestries around and generally get rid of the beer before these Teutonic Knights or whatever they're called came to visit.

Their nutjob leader calls himself something stupid like Gilbert the Most Awesomest Warrior that Ever Was. He's a proper weirdo and has silver hair and red eyes. He wears a crucifix and is dressed like a knight as well. I told him he looked like a ponce and he said he was going to kick my arse! Hahaha, he's about six inches shorter than me and is a weedy little dude – not much bigger than Ed.

The negotiations were over in about an hour, my boss said we'd marshal an army alongside their knights, Estonia would also send some dudes, as would Ber. This Gilbert dude said that alongside his most awesome army, that Rus dude wouldn't stand a chance

I wasn't so sure about this. We were supposed to bring the whole of England under our control and look what happened there... and Arthur is a lot less nutty than Rus dude. But nobody listened to me.

Then the boss told me to entertain our guest, so I asked Gilbert if he wanted to go to church. (I don't go in churches – they give me the willies – all those dead saints and dudes.) He asked me if I was gay. Before I managed to tell him that I was quite happy actually, he asked me if there were any women and beer.

We spent that night trawling around Tallinn, going around some hostelries, kicking heads in, having our heads kicked in, Gil (that's what I call him now – we're best buds) smashed several tankards over my head (he said it was a sign of comraderie – I'd prefer a manly hug, but yer know...) and dragged some wenches back to the castle. Well, actually they carried us.

I thought it'd be a change to spend the night with someone other than one of my Viking dudes, not that I'm that way inclined of course and seeing as my wife is never anywhere to be seen at bed-time... But we must have passed out.

I woke up with my arms wrapped around Gil nuzzling his hair – it is kind of soft and shiny. He told me to "get the fuck off him".

I wish people wouldn't shout like that – my boss' messenger was around and is quick with his ink and scroll and wrote everything down.

April 1242

What a downright bummer. I'd told them it wouldn't work. Nutjob knights and a bunch of Estonians charged across a frozen ice lake – yep, a frozen lake at these Russian dudes and got chased all the way back.

All us lot (the King's men) got hammered then by Russian archers. I was lucky I didn't get a dozen arrows in my helmet.

My best bud, Gil almost drowned in the lake. The thin ice cracked under their armour and he fell in. He wasn't happy. In fact when I saw him, even several tankards of mead and Sven and Olaf's Viking jokes wouldn't cheer him up.

The worst thing was that big Rus dude, Ivan (what kind of crazy ass name is that?) turned up later at our castle with a bunch of his nutter Russians – man, why are they so big? He pinned me and Gil to a wall with one hand (alright one hand each) and he had this weird purple haze around him and told us never to set foot in this place called the 'Motherland' ever again. If we did he would shove something somewhere not nice. He told me where that place was and the object he would use and I didn't feel very well. Gilbert threw up blood all over the place.

I tried to calm him down with a tankard of mead but he swallowed it in one gulp and said it was "for children". His men – all built like him (like those big white bears we see in the north of Norge's place) all drank a tankard of my best mead, threw the tankards in the fire and then they all stomped out. When the ground had stopped shaking and me and Gil had made sure they'd galloped off on their horses, we hugged each other. I tried very hard not to cry with relief.

So, that was my first encounter with Gil and we've been lifelong buds on and off since. Even through wars and even when he invaded my country. We're just that close. Even if he is a douche and all that.

Back to my marriage to Estonia. It was over in 1343, and the whole of Estonia was sold off to the Teutonic Order. I warned Gilbert that if Eduard in over a century wouldn't submit to me, then he sure as hell wouldn't submit to him.

For some reason, Eduard left my castle as a rich man, he was dressed like a king in furs and all that shit. I have no idea where he got the money. He told me that the piece of paper I'd signed had made it that most of the taxes my King made the people pay went back to him! How the bloody hell?! Cheeky little sod. And I'm sure we never got to bed.

Author's Note: In 1219 under King Valdemar the Danish fleet landed and conquered northern Estonia bringing it under Danish rule until the uprising in 1343.

The Duchy of Estonia as it was, was the King of Denmark's personal possession.

After the uprising in 1343, the Teutonic Order occupied the territories.

1242 – Battle of the Ice or Battle of Lake Peipus – a combined alliance between Denmark, Teutonic Knights (mainly the Estonian/Livonian branch) and some Swedes attacked Russia to try and convert Russia to Catholicism once and for all. They failed – Alexander Nevski's forces had them retreating across a frozen lake after drawing them across and releasing their overwhelmingly larger force of archers. This resulted in a Novgorod victory and the Teutonic Order relinquishing all future claims on Russian territory.