Learning to Trust

Disclaimer: I own nothing, all credit goes to JK Rowling.

A/N: Contains self-harm

Chapter 3: The Meeting

Harry could feel his legs shaking beneath him as he made his way to Dumbledore's office. McGonagall had given him instructions on where and when to go in their last transfiguration lesson and at the time the prospect of telling a few white lies to his professors wasn't all that daunting. But now that he found himself actually walking to the office he could feel the trepidation tying knots in his stomach. What if Dumbledore knew that he was lying? What if they demanded to know what was going on at home? He couldn't let them know! Not if he didn't want a far worse beating when he next went home.

Dumbledore was waiting at his desk when Harry entered the room. Professor Snape and McGonagall were sitting in chairs opposite the headmaster. All three looked up when they heard the door open. They had soft expressions on their faces, even Snape, which was odd for the potions master. He hovered by the door for a moment, unsure what to do and seriously considering making a run for it but Dumbledore spoke before he got the chance. 'Do take a seat Harry' he called softly and Harry did as he was told, awkwardly moving over to the desk and dropping down into the spare chair. 'I think you know why we're here Harry' the headmaster continued gently 'professor Snape has brought it to my attention that you have been engaging in some rather harmful behaviour. Is this correct?' Harry fidgeted in his chair, unsure of what to say; in the end he merely nodded. 'I must ask Harry why you feel the need to harm yourself, is something happening at home perhaps? Or at school?' Harry remained silent once again, merely shaking his head and continuing to stare at the floor.

'You can tell us, Harry' McGonagall told him gently 'whatever's bothering you, we will do our best to assist.' In Harry's mind there was nothing that they could say to get him to talk. Dumbledore would always send him back to the Dursley's for the blood magic and that was the only thing that mattered right now. He couldn't risk telling them his secret and having things get worse at home, he didn't think he could handle much more.

'I'm just stressed' Harry murmured at last 'it gets too much sometimes, that's all.' He could feel the teachers observing him sceptically and he kept his eyes trained on the floor so as not to give away anything.

'Well if that's the case then I'm sure there's something we can do. Pomphrey must have a calming potion and I'm sure that your teachers would be more lax with your deadlines if they knew of your situation' McGonagall sounded confident, like she truly believed Harry's lie.

'Would all of my teachers have to know?' Harry asked quietly, knowing that the others would understand.

'I see no need to tell your other professors of your destructive actions' Snape drawled 'I'm sure it would be sufficient to merely explain that you are under some stress at the moment. Do you agree headmaster?' Dumbledore nodded and hummed in agreement. He was watching Harry with a calculating gleam in his eyes but said nothing. 'Very well then' Snape finished 'Professor McGonagall will escort you to the hospital wing and the headmaster will inform your other professors of your situation. As for your most recent essay I'm sure I can offer some leeway if you feel the need.' Harry nodded awkwardly and Snape gave a curt nod to the headmaster in his characteristic fashion before rising from his chair and sweeping from the room in a flurry of black robes.

Harry sat there for a moment in a silence that seemed to engulf the world in never-ending quiet. It felt like nobody would ever talk again. That is until Dumbledore broke it. 'Is there anything you wish to tell me, Harry?' The old professor asked as he leant over his desk.

Harry couldn't look the headmaster in the eye, he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his secrets if he did. Instead he merely shook his head and said 'no sir.'

Dumbledore leant back in his chair and nodded his head to McGonagall 'very well then' he said thoughtfully 'you may go.'

McGonagall stood and led Harry to the door, she was smiling at him gently the entire time and he couldn't help but feel embarrassed about everything that had come to light. There was a knot of worry tightening in his stomach at the possibility of Sirius and Remus finding out his secret. They'd hate him. They'd think he was a freak. What kind of person cuts them self? Even worse, what if they figured out why? What if they realised what Harry let Vernon do? Then they really would hate him. The professor's warm hand on his shoulder as they walked was little comfort to Harry, he had been much happier dealing with all of this himself. It was already starting to feel like too much, the potions, the teachers keeping an eye on him. He just wanted to be alone with his knife and his thoughts, he didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. He could hear his heart thudding in his chest and his throat felt tight. He tried to breathe evenly, to tell himself that it was all going to be ok but it wasn't working. The edges of his vision began to fade to black and his head was engulfed with the deafening roar of rushing blood as his chest began to tighten. He couldn't breathe, his legs felt weak and he was dizzy. Harry dropped to his knees, gasping for air and desperately trying to regain a sense of control over the situation but it was in vain, he knelt there for a few moments more before collapsing forwards into the engulfing black.

-XXX-

The hospital wing was bright when Harry awoke, he was laying on one of the beds above the blankets. Reaching out to the bedside table he slid his glasses onto his face and blinked a few times to adjust to the clinical white that seemed to surround him. It was mostly quiet, save for the occasional groan and the sound of footsteps pottering about. He didn't have much time to look around before McGonagall's voice came drifting over from nearby 'Mr Potter' she greeted 'How're you feeling?'

'Good, I suppose, what happened professor?' Harry asked quietly, pushing his glasses up his forehead to rub at his eyes briefly.

Mcgonagall frowned 'you had a panic attack, Madam Pomphrey instructed me to leave you here until you awoke. She's just gone to fetch you some potions.' As if on cue Madam Pomphrey came bustling out of the back rooms with a rather large wooden box in her arms.

'Ah, good, you're awake Mr Potter' she said, all business, as she neared his bedside, trust Pomphrey not to change her demeanour. Harry didn't know if it made him more or less anxious. She placed the box on the bed beside him and Harry sat up to see what was inside. She pushed the lid open to reveal a set of potions, each one was a pale blue colour and shimmering slightly. 'These are anti-anxiety potions' she told him 'now you see the lines on the side of each vial? That dictates the daily dose, for example today you will drink down to the first line and then tomorrow to the second line and so on and so forth. It is imperative that you don't drink more than the required amount Mr Potter, if so you must visit me immediately, understood?' Harry merely nodded, unsure of what to say or even if he could speak with how fast everything was happening. She handed him the box and then bustled away with nothing more than a quick nod to both Harry and McGonagall.

Harry arose from the bed and began to move towards the door when McGonagall stopped him with a hand on his shoulder 'Harry' she said gently, using his first name for the first time in a while 'I want you to come to me if you need anything, ok?' Harry nodded, blushing and staring at the ground as he silently prayed for this awkward encounter to be over. She patted him on the shoulder and then smiled silently, allowing him to leave the wing at last. Harry kept his head down the entire way back to the common room and stashed the box beneath his bed as soon as he arrived. He didn't need the anxiety potions, he wasn't anxious and he definitely didn't need Ron or the others to see it, that's for sure.

-XXX-

Ron and Hermione had been strangely watchful at lunch time and Harry could've sworn that he felt Remus and Sirius staring at him with concern. They obviously knew about his 'stress' and the panic attack and the hospital wing, that was the only logical explanation. It didn't matter that they weren't paying extra close attention to him when he looked up at the staff table, they obviously just looked away. He knew what he felt.

It was too much in the end, everyone talking and chattering around him, maybe everyone knew, maybe they were talking about him. He could feel his chest getting tight again and the last thing he needed was to have another panic attack in the middle of the Great Hall. Without a second thought, Harry jumped to his feet and fled the room, hurrying back to the Gryffindor common room and collapsing onto the sofa. He lay there for a moment, quietly gasping for air as he fought to control his breathing, until he heard a small knock on the door. In retrospect he should've known that Ron and Hermione would come after him. 'You alright mate?' Ron asked, stepping into the room with Hermione close behind.

Harry stood up shakily and nodded 'yeah' he said, forcing a smile 'just don't think that the chicken agreed with me.' He waved a hand at them, signalling that he'd be fine, but they didn't listen.

'I can go to the hospital wing if you think you've got food poisoning' Hermione offered 'but I don't think that the house elves would undercook something.' She looked confused and Harry knew that he needed to lie better if he was going to get the alone-time he needed.

'Don't worry about it, Hermione' he assured her 'I had this last time too, Pomphrey thinks I'm allergic to something, you know in the seasoning or something. I'll be fine.' He paused 'but you know, kinda need to run and use the bathroom, so if you don't mind…'

Ron nodded, taking the hint 'sure mate, I'll talk to you after dinner, yeah?' Harry nodded and Ron led Hermione from the room. Harry waited until he could no longer hear their footsteps before collapsing against the sofa in exhaustion.

He sat there for a while, just thinking, thinking about the panic attacks and how out of control this whole thing was getting. He thought about what Vernon did and about his knife and how good it felt to take some of that frustration out. Finally his mind drifted to Remus and Sirius, how they were going to feel when his secrets came out, because that was the thing about Hogwarts, secrets didn't last for very long. They would be revolted by him, they'd hate him. Tears pricked in his eyes at that thought, the thought of his godfather and his honorary godfather, the people he loved most, hating him. No, he wouldn't let that happen, he didn't want to be there to see the disgust in their eyes.

Harry rose to his feet and trudged slowly up the stairs, determination in his eyes, tears on his cheeks and a plan set firm in his mind.

-XXX-

The sound of Neville's scream was enough to wake most of the Gryffindors from their slumber. He flew from the room, almost falling headfirst down the stairs in his hurry to find a teacher. The other students began to gather in the common room but Hermione pushed past them, charging up the stairs to the boy's dormitory and ignoring the cries of the disgruntled prefects. Ron was crouched by Harry's limp form, his robes soaked in the pale blue potion that was littering the floor. Four of the bottles were empty, two of which were smashed. The gashes on Harry's arms from the broken glass were bleeding profusely and the blood was mingling with the potion to create a sickly brown colour. Hermione stood frozen in the doorway for just a moment, unable to move, but then her brain lurched into gear and she shot forwards to pry Ron away from their friend just as Sirius and Remus bustled into the room, dropping to their knees in the glass and the blood to pull their godson close. McGonagall ushered the teenagers out of the room and the last thing they saw was Sirius running with Harry in his arms as the other professors followed swiftly behind.

NC