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Song: "Crystallised" by The xx
Jessamine Shepard "Pressure"
Disorientated. The smell of oil, burning plastic. Flash. Blue eyes, soft skin under my hands…the smooth metal of my gun, fingers wrapping around the black. Slam. Biotic blue. My shockwaves hurtling husks into the air…hers shimmering as her lips descended onto mine…
I wake up in the Med Bay, curled up awkwardly on my side, facing the wall. At some point I must have crossed the line between unconsciousness and sleep.
Everything was such a tangle. I sighed.
"Jessamine?"
Liara. Of course Liara would be here. I turned over to find her kneeling at the side of the bed. She took the less bruised one of my hands in one of her own, lacing her fingers between mine. She stroked my face with her free one.
We didn't say anything for a few moments, we didn't need to. I found myself memorising her features again, the delicate blue of her skin, her angel-like eyes, which looked as deep as the ocean, and were so dark then that I felt like I could lose myself just by staring into their depths. I wanted to count each of her eyelashes, kiss her eyelids and cheeks. I wanted to count her freckles with my fingers.
Liara stared at me with the same intensity. It felt like we'd been apart for lifetimes; all of a sudden, I was terrified that whatever had transpired on the battlefield had irrevocably changed us, and that we would never be able to be as before again. I had never felt so alone in my life, and yet, I couldn't find the words to tell her how I felt. They stuck, raw and forlorn in the back of my throat. I tore my gaze away from her.
"Jessamine Shepard, I missed you." Liara tilted my head up slightly and kissed me lightly on the lips. It tickled, reminding me of the butterflies we used to have on Earth. As a child, I used to catch them in my hands before setting them free again – whilst I had wanted to capture the beauty of them, but had felt too guilty as their wings fluttered softly and madly against my skin.
I looked into Liara's eyes again; blue had always been my favourite colour.
"I missed you too, beautiful."
My words released her from her quietness, and her tirade of feelings hit me. "Shepard, Jessamine Marie Shepard, if you ever do that again! I couldn't bear it. I can't bear it. I was so frightened. I thought you were dead-" She sobs once, unable to let go completely.
"But I'm not, I'm here." With an effort I sit up, the pain in my fractured ribs made me feel sick. I took Liara's face between my hands and leant in so that our noses touched.
"Liara, I love you. I fought against the Reapers for you. I took down Collectors for you, I faced husks. I refused to give up on us when you left to become the Shadow Broker. I missed you every day. It wasn't enough to know that you were alive at the base. Did you honestly think I could ever just let you go? I'm not dying any time soon Li, I made promises to you. That is, if you still want that."
Liara gasped; "Don't be a fool Jessamine. There is no world in which I want to live in which does not have you in it." She looked into my eyes sincerely. Sincere, honest and open. It was one of the few reasons that I loved her.
"How did I end up here? I was in the conduit. What happened to the catalyst?"
"Jesse, what on Illium are you talking about?" I leant away from her, all of a sudden unsure, my hands dropped onto the hard mattress.
"The ship fell right on top of you, you were fighting the husks. I tried to warn you, but I was too late…" Liara wrung her hands, "I found you after the batter had finished. Something else destroyed the Reapers. I was too busy looking for your body to observe all of it. It's a miracle you survived."
I felt cold. I knew what had taken out the Reapers, I had. What Liara was describing…I could only vaguely remember it. It was as if someone had placed a thick, heavy veil over the memories, whilst the rest of it…
The Illusive man drops to the ground, his cybernetic eyes flickering to black. Anderson falls, and I catch him. He tells me that he's proud of me…he dies in my arms.
The Catalyst speaks in his soprano voice, telling me of my choices.
Synthesis. Control. Destroy.
I will die in whatever way I choose. I think of Liara.
If I choose to control the Reapers, I leave her for them. I leave her for power. If I choose the synthesis option, I am forcing all organic life to evolve into something many of them despise. Without their consent.
Liara would not longer be Liara. I would leave her and change her forever
In both choices I would break her heart.
So it is the third option, then. Die with the Reapers, leave my love in a safe world, one where she could study archaeology again, not an ever present threat to organic life.
It would be the only option she would forgive me for.
I run, I raise my gun.
"I don't remember any of that. I was somewhere else, my body may have been there, but my mind was not."
"I'm afraid that I don't understand."
"Neither do I."