Cue the band (oh yeah, we upgraded to a band), lights reveal Valentine sat in her seat quite comfortably, her guests, who are all slouching in their seats, jump up, alert, at the sound of music.
Valentine: With a cheery wave to the audience and a big smile. Hi everyone and welcome back!
Matt: Looks at Valentine as though she is mad. Welcome back?
Jamie: Rubbing his eyes to wake himself up. You kept us waiting here for seven years.
Valentine: Still staring with a big smile at the audience. Seven years? She scoffs. That can't be right.
Scott: Yes it is! He gestures to an empty chair behind him. We waited so long Horowitz let the show and shacked up with Alex Rider.
Valentine: Grimaces. Ugh, that slut.
Pedro: Check the "last updated" part of this fic. It says December 2009! Valentine squints at him uncomprehendingly.
Matt: You know the books are over, Val, right? Everyone finished reading them three years ago.
Valentine: Looks to the floor guilty and rubs the back of her neck. Ugh…yeah, totally, I was all about that three years…
Jamie:…You never finished reading them did you? Valentine smiles anxiously. The guests erupt into shouts of disbelief and frustration.
Mattt: OH MY GOD
Scott: She keeps us here seven years!
Jamie: And she doesn't even bother to finish reading the books.
Scar: So why are we here, Valentine? You don't know what happens to any of us.
Valentine: Wants to ignore Scar but recognises it's a valid question so simply looks away and answers haughtily. Well, actually..I happened to pass a Watersones on Monday and I saw Necropolis in the window and I never…actually…read-
Scar: SHE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO NECROPOLIS?
Valtneine: LIKE ANYONE WANTS TO READ ANYTHING WITH YOU IN IT, SCARFACE. Scar folds her arms in a huff, Valentine looks pleased.
Jamie: So what now?
Valetine: We carry on.
Jamie: What, from where everything ended in Oblivion or from wherever you are in Necropolis?
Valentine: Obviously from where I am. Page 99 of the book.
Scott: So we can't talk about anythi-
Valentine: Puts her fingers in her ears. LALALALALA NOT LISTENING.
Scott: BUT PEOPLE WILL REVIEW AND MIGHT SPOIL-
Valentine: Clamly. That's okay. I've learnt to accept that. It's a part of growing up. You see boys and girls, and I can call you that because while I have aged you have all remained fifteen- Which by the way, winks at Matt, takes this to a whole other level. Matt shudders. I've done a lot of thinking and I hate to leave things unfinished-
Producer (off camera): So…The Other Girl…
Valentine: Nods her head. Will be completed at some point this year. Enter from behind Valentine, a teenage girl with a pretty face, chocolate brown hair and hazel eyes.
Mystery girl: Cool!
Valentine: Whispers. Get out of here, kid, no one is ready for you yet. The girl looks disheartened and turns away.
Mystery girl: Sorry.
Matt: Looking around Valentine for the girl. Hey, who was tha-
Valentine: Straight faced: Alternate universe, don't worry about it. Big smile. So, how have we all been?
Scar: I'm ok
Scott: Yeah, good, I guess.
Jamie: How about you, Valentine?
Valentine: Her face becomes solemn, she sighs deeply. Not so great actually…you know I err couldn't help but notice some spanish-english dictionary jokes in other fics and everyone seems to have forgotten that it originated here. She wipes away a tear.
Pedro: It's ok Valentine, sometimes we feel under appreciated for our work.
Valentine: Smiles appreciatively at Pedro. Smile fades. Will someone please tell the son of Zorro to LEARN SOME GODDAM ENGLISH?
Matt: Exasperatedly. Let's just get to the questions, shall we?
Valentine: Happily. Ah, yes! We have received plenty of questions from our reviewers. Holds up some cards in her hands. Let's see. Fishes a card out of the pile and reads it quickly. Ah, one for Scarlett. Scar looks around in surprise.
Scar: Yes?
Valtneine: awesomekiwihere1213 asks: if you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Scar: Tilts her head in confusion. Why would I change my name?
Valentine: Because…looks around in deep thought…how do I put this? Scratches her head. Because It sounds like the mating call of a Raven. Because I feel you might have a predatory-mindset towards anyone named Simba. Because when you do that thing with weather we call you abracadab-scar-
Scar: Loudly. Ok, I get it! I guess I'd change it to…I dunno…Sabina?
Valentine: Puts her head in her hands and closes her eyes. Sabina? HAVE YOU NO SENSE?
Scar: Shrugs.I like the name.
Valentine: Stands up and points directly at Scar. You, girl, are an idiot. Sits back down.
Scott: Lay off her, Val.
Valentine: Eyeing up Scott. Alright, Scott, let's see what there is for you in these questions. Ruffles though cards and picks one out. Black Lighted Clouds and ThouShaltNotFall ask for your opinion on…Mott. Valentine looks up at him blankly.
Jamie: Mott….what the hell is that?
Valentine: You know…I'm not too sure. When I started out writing Power of Five fanfiction there were only a handful of us and I never came across this…Mott. Am I saying that right…Mott? I dunno, kids these days. Takes out her laptop. Let me search for it.
Richard: It's shipping.
Valentine: Jumps. HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
Richard: I've been sat behind Matt the whole time.
Valentine: Wow. That's amazing. Turns back to laptop. Ok, I'm on the PO5 section of Fanfiction and it looks like Mott is…oh my…Valentine's eyes fog over, colour rises in her cheeks.
Jamie: What?
Valentine: Jumps up to move laptop away from everyone looking over her shoulder. Nothing to see. Nothing at all. Aside. How do you bookmark these things? Closes her laptop, turns back to the group and laughs. Hahahaha, well, whatever Mott is, and I'm sure we'll never know, -sits back down -do either of you have a comment?
Scott: Reaching across for Matt's hand Well, actually.
Valentine: Stands up. NO. NO YOU STOP.
Scott: What?
Valentine: GET UP. GO SIT OVER THERE. Points to Horowitz's empty chair.
Matt: Why?
Valentine: Because it's called Tea with V, not "the show where Scott gets to do whatever the fuck he wants."
Matt: With a small smile. I'd watch that.
Valentine: Looks between Matt and Scott. What is happening here? This is my fanfiction. You're supposed to be the way I want you to be.
Scott: Jumps up again. FACE IT OLD WOMAN, YOU'VE BEEN GONE TOO LONG. Valentine gasps in offence.
Matt: THINGS HAVE MOVED ON.
Pedro: Now let's all just settle down, please.
Valentine: Sees Pedro as though only just noticing him. Sits back down and picks up a card. Ah, Pedro! We have had a few questions for you. Turns to the audience and whispers. Although good luck understanding his answers, if you know what I mean.
Pedro: Under his breath. I can hear you, you know.
Valentine: SI. account not being used asks: how long did it take you to learn Eng…well, that can't be right. Throws card over her shoulder. MOVING ON. Finds a new card. Ah, okay another one from Black Lighted Clouds: Pedro do you like your power or would you like something more kickass?
Pedro: Spotlight on Pedro, camera zooms in to see him contemplating. I believe that power, regardless of what ability it is, is the measure of a person. If you can pick up a stone with your mind, control someone's thoughts or change the weather, you are powerful. Band begins to play soft, empowering music. We are all strong, there is no doubt. We are all part of a team. I can heal. I am proud of that. Camera zooms in to his face as he looks around to his friends with a small smile Helping those whom I care about, is a blessing. I am truly honoured to be able to say I have saved lives. Camera zooms out.
Valentine: Not a word.
Pedro: For fu-
Valentine: Thank you for tuning in, I'm afraid that's all we have time for tonight! Be sure to click our way soon. It's bye from your favourite host, Valentine and bye from each of my guests.
Pedro: That's it, I'm off the show! Throws mic to the floor and walks off stage.
Jamie: Pedro, come back!
General chaos ensues with Valentine smiling in the middle of it all.
Valentine: Feels good to be back.
Band plays outro music
-Tea with V is sponsored by The Other Girl, a Power of Five/Gatekeepers Fanfiction.-
So…it's been a while. I'll be seeing all of you for The Other Girl soon. PROMISE.
Don't know if anyone will enjoy this but I hope someone out there did!
Oh and two quick things:
1. Valentine being racist is a joke about how stupid racists are, not actually the racist jokes haha
2. I think I saw one fic with a spanish-english dictionary joke (and I think it was actually the same one I wrote years ago), and I do not think I need credit for it. The weird version of Valentine in this story does, hahaha.
REVIEW. Ask more questions. Let's see where this goes. ;)