How to be like Lionblaze but still stay a medicine-cat?" repeated Brackenpaw.
Smallpaw shyly nodded. He would never let go of his dream of becoming like his hero - it meant too much to him to just give up on. But the little white-and-black cat felt lost, unsure of what to do. Emulating Lionblaze seemed as difficult as ever. The nobility, fierceness, and fairness Smallpaw so admired were not so easy to integrate into his medicine-cat role. He needed help.
The golden-brown tabby furrowed his brow in thought, humming lowly. "Just. . .be a really good medicine-cat I guess?" he offered.
"No I meant like in spirit, not being the best at my role."
"His spirit?" Brackenpaw repeated, sounding part confused and part amused.
The medicine-cat apprentice became flustered as he grew hot under his pelt, "H-his qualities, like. . .um, h-how he was really f-fierce a-a-and, um. . .yeah."
"Oh. Yeah I've got nothing, sorry."
Smallpaw frowned, his amber eyes glittering with disappointment. He was hoping that Brackenpaw could help him out, but he guessed Petalnose was right; this was something he would have to figure out for himself. The tomcat would have to mull it over whenever he got some time to himself. Even then, it was one thing to know what to do; it was an entirely different endeavour to go through with it - it would be an arduous task indeed.
He nodded in understanding, "thanks anyways." Smallpaw replied, trying not to sound too disappointed. Brackenpaw was a good friend, but he wasn't the most reliable cat in ShadowClan. Smallpaw could ask Rookpaw, but he found the black cat to be somewhat overly blunt. He doubted that Rookpaw would entertain him anyways.
Brackenpaw gave him a reassuring lick on the ear. "Aww, don't be down, Smallpaw. I mean, yeah, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I'm sure you'll figure it out."
Suddenly, something bumped into the little white-and-black tom. It made him jump slightly as he whirled his head around to inspect what had just collided with him. Smallpaw found that it was a mossball. His amber eyes followed the direction in which the mossball came, finding a shy she-kit approaching him. Outside the nursery, there was a group of kits watching them both.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to hit you," she apologised. "Can I have my mossball back?"
Smallpaw opened his mouth to reply, to say of course she could have the mossball, but Brackenpaw interjected; "Sure, but can I see it for a second?"
The she-kit looked up and blinked, tentatively nodding in response. The golden-brown tabby smiled in thanks, picking up the mossball and launching it at an unsuspecting Rookpaw. The black cat grunted in surprise, while Brackenpaw laughed and Smallpaw and the she-kit attempted to suppress their own purrs.
Brackenpaw turned to Smallpaw and boasted, "They should rename me to Hawkeye; 'cause my aim is -oof!" He was cut off as a mossball slammed into the side of his face. He let out a yelp of surprise. "Didn't see that coming." he chuckled as the small she-kit picked up the mossball and scampered away.
"Brackenpaw!" Rookpaw hissed as he stalked up towards the golden-brown tabby.
Brackenpaw, trying to keep a straight face and conceal his laughter, responded; "Yeah? What's up?"
The black cat cuffed him around the ears. "Knock it off. How'd you ever leave the nursery?"
The golden-brown tom shrugged. "Dunno, why weren't you sent to the elders den after your ceremony with an attitude like that?"
Smallpaw could only giggle at them, a slight smile on his face. Brackenpaw and Rookpaw bickering like old mates was always entertaining to say the least. "How's Natalie getting on, Rookpaw? It's only a moon or two until she gives birth, I think," the white-and-black cat meowed.
"Oh? She's getting on fine; thankfully she wasn't hurt during WindClan's raid," the black cat responded.
Natalie was Rookpaw's mother, a loner who had joined ShadowClan around the time Smallpaw's parents had become warriors. She had always been a bit of a controversial character in the Clan as most outsiders to the Clans were, but it only worsened once the she-cat decided to permanently remain a queen. Thankfully, she didn't have to face discrimination for it, especially not when her mate was Blazetail of all cats.
"Hopefully this litter doesn't turn out to be as uptight," Brackenpaw huffed. Again, Rookpaw went to cuff him over the ear. But the other apprentice was ready that time, expertly dodging out of the way. The black cat just huffed irritably in response.
"What have you two been doing? Since the raid, I mean," meowed Smallpaw.
"Repairing the barrier," responded Rookpaw simply.
Brackenpaw huffed. "Should've been part of the patrol, though."
"We should have been, yeah." agreed the black cat.
The little white-and-black tom felt pangs of envy in his heart. It would have been nice to even feel that there was enough of a chance of hunting WindClan stragglers to experience disappointment. But he was a medicine-cat apprentice, not a warrior's apprentice. If he were to be part of any conflict, it would be to tend to the injured. While Smallpaw had accepted his duty within the Clan, it would be impossible for him to overcome his feelings of jealousy so soon.
"Well, I'm going to collect some herbs soon if either of you want to come," the medicine-cat apprentice offered, "Petalnose said I needed an escort or two with everything's that's happened."
"Sure." Brackenpaw agreed.
Rookpaw replied, "I'll go talk to my mentor first."
"Okay, see you in a bit," Smallpaw responded. The warrior apprentice padded off, leaving Smallpaw alone with Brackenpaw once again.
The golden-brown tabby mewed, "So, what herbs need collecting?"
"Some bright-eye, lovage, and some herbs for wounded warriors," answered the medicine-cat apprentice. "Oh! Some cobwebs too."
The tom nodded his head, muttering "Cool."
Rookpaw returned. "Amberfeather says I'm good to go."
"Great," responded Smallpaw.
"Alright, let's go!" Brackenpaw added.
The three tomcats squeezed by the boulder guarding ShadowClan's camp entrance, venturing out into the territory. The tall, crowded pine trees were plentiful and littered the earth with their nettles. They only allowed small patches of light to reach the ground, though that was not the case today as the sky was completely clouded. Only the hardiest of grass survived on ShadowClan territory.
This hardiness also extended to the herbs; ShadowClan medicine-cats rarely had to worry about whether or not certain herbs would survive through Leaf-bare. All Smallpaw had to concern himself with was actually finding the needed herbs.
"We could do some hunting while we're out here," Brackenpaw offered as they walked, "it's still early Leaf-bare - some prey might be out still."
Smallpaw shook his head, "it's far too cold, everything will be in its burrow."
"The ground's frozen solid too," grimaced Rookpaw. He clawed at the ground again and again, barely leaving grooves in the frosty earth.
The golden-brown tabby frowned. "Maybe next time then."
The three apprentices searched the territory for their desired herbs, scouring for several hours yet only coming back with some barely-healthy herbs. The bright-eye, a light pink flower, was only found in a small, wilting cluster; hardly any lovage was collected as a result of its symbiotic relationship with the former in poultices; only a few other herbs were collected, many of which were barely useful in their withering state; cobwebs were the only thing that could be harvested in a decent amount.
Their poor haul filled Smallpaw's stomach with a sense of foreboding. It was easy to see that the icy claws of Leaf-bare had sunk in deep with even normally durable herbs suffering from the cold. This season would be a harsh one indeed.
The trio stopped periodically for both Brackenpaw and Rookpaw to try their luck at hunting. Often, the scents of prey they found were stale yet they persevered. Only Rookpaw was successful, catching a skinny mouse. Even then, his amber eyes glittered with disappointment at his prize.
They walked on in silence. The medicine-cat apprentice found himself deep in thought, Lionblaze was fair, fierce, and noble. How do I be like that, though? Fair is easy to be, I just need to. . .I need to, um. . .o-okay, how about nobility instead? No, f-fierceness instead. Smallpaw gave a frustrated sigh, what do I do? These are warrior qualities, not a medicine-cat's!
"Something up?" asked Rookpaw, carrying his mouse in his maw.
"N-nothing, I'm just thinking." the little white-and-black cat responded. Maybe he should ask the black cat for help, he might have an idea. Smallpaw briefly glanced over to Brackenpaw, carrying the herbs in his jaws. "Actually. . .can I ask you something, Rookpaw?" The tom mewed meekly.
He replied, "what?"
"I-if you were a medicine-cat, how would you go about being like Lionblaze?"
Rookpaw gave an irritated grunt. "Are you still hung up over that?"
Smallpaw quickly corrected him, "Nonono, I don't care about being a warrior anymore I-I just want to be like Lionblaze, that's all!"
The warrior apprentice slowly nodded his head. "Well if I were you, I would dedicate myself completely to ShadowClan and only ShadowClan."
"But what if another Clan needs a herb only ShadowClan has?"
"If that Clan is going to repay ShadowClan for it, sure. Otherwise, they can make do with what they've got."
Smallpaw frowned. Rookpaw didn't think like a medicine cat would, he was looking at everything through the eyes of a warrior with an accompanying mindset. The black cat was unwilling to help others due to the blood running in their veins. A true medicine cat would disregard such things, no matter if a cat was Clanborn or a kittypet, to help a patient. All wounded cats deserved to be treated, no matter what.
Smallpaw's amber eyes suddenly widened, letting out a small and excited gasp. It dawned on him just how he could emulate the fairness he admired in Lionblaze.