A/N: I wrote about 5 different drafts of this chapter and just couldn't get into them as much as I did this one. Also, I know its cliche but the song I had imagined to be on in the background is clare de lune by Debussy. Which I know is a Twilight thing, but I loved that song way before the movie and the song inspired me to write this chapter.
Please leave your notes and comments, I appreciate all of them and they make me want to write more. I think this will be the closing chapter to Drawn Together unless someone has a suggestion that gets me excited about writing more : )
I want to say that I feel nothing standing here. There's just some things you can't forget about though, even without feeling I remember this place being special to me as a human. I bite my lip and smile as my fingers run over the cold red stone of the brick wall right outside the boarding house. I know its special deep down but id rather concentrate on the bourbon in my hands, sit out here and sneak in through the back door like I have been doing the past few nights.
I keep contradicting myself, even when I stood outside my old house. Burnt to ashes with everything that ever meant anything to me inside, I let a tear fall down my cheek and pretended like it didn't happen, like I felt nothing for the house that I grew up in. I watch the sun rise every morning from the hill near the lake and deny that I don't see how beautiful it is. I let my body press against the man I once loved and pretend like I don't feel the love that still burns between us.
I can hear the music coming from the dining room and even when my eyes close to the memory of the sweet melody, I try to convince myself that I don't appreciate how sweet the progression is, how beautiful the notes piece together. It's moving to the chorus and I know it's his song, I can hear the dynamics meant for recreating a romantic movement through piano.
I remember Stefan feeling sad after this particular song was over. How he was always quiet after it. Back then I wondered what it would be like to hear such a beautiful song with such heightened emotions. But now I didn't have to try, I can feel it inside of me. Right now I can instantly see what Stefan was feeling when he listened to this...it was us. Our tragic souls encapsulated with one another whirling around and fighting to stay close.
I hadn't realised but my body had obviously responded to the beautiful rhythm and made itself to the hallway of the boarding house where the music was louder, clearer. I could feel tears filling my eyes as I slowly put one leg in front of the other.
xxxx
"Tell me what you're thinking" The music has moved to the next track, and I'm lying here in his arms, covered by his hard powerful body. His face buried in the crook of my neck and I'm rubbing his back soothingly hoping he knows its okay to cry. I want him to know I understand, I want him to tell me what he feels.
After a few moments he raises his head, looking at me with red eyes and I reach up to wipe the moisture from under his lashes.
"It's not really thinking as opposed to just feeling so much..." he trails off, looping a strand of my hair around his fingers and rubbing the skin on my neck longingly.
"It's more that this song reminds me of how beautiful the world can be, it makes me feel like there is more to life than just...trying to make it to the next day..." he turns his head and looks at me with a smile on his lips and I want to reach up and kiss him. But instead I bite on my lip and force myself to nod for him to continue.
"...it's that, I have everything I need right here" laughing a little, he kisses my nose and reaches for the remote to play the song again. "That...I love you and..." he's shaking his head now for what seems like disbelief and I'm almost crying myself at how romantic and intense he can be sometimes in the most perfect way. I can't find the right words to express how touched I am by how he feels, how much I feel for him, too.
I clamp my lips between my teeth waiting for him to go on, but it's as though he's lost for words, this moment we are sharing together. Its unique, it's so raw.
"God...I, I just want to make love to you right now" I smile and hook my arms around his neck, placing a tender kiss on his lips.
"So do I" I whisper with an uneasiness to my voice because he this is so surreal, Stefan seems completely exposed, hiding nothing bare. And truth be told, I've wanted him ever since he turned this song on.
"Put it on repeat" I whisper as his lips trail down my neck and I hook my legs around his hips.
xxxx
I open my eyes and I'm at the wood panel of the dining room entrance, the music is so loud. Its looped again and I smile at the sound and how beautiful it is. It's played about three times over now and each time it's made me move closer to the source. I look up and I see him. Standing shirtless in front of a roaring fire. I don't know if he's heard me, but I step a fraction closer into the room, eyeing his stance. He's leaning one hand on the mantle above the fireplace, the other holding an empty glass loosely in his hand.
The plains of his back are so rigid; my eyes narrow at the different shades of black and white and gold merging perfectly into the muscles defining his spine. My eyes travel further to the low slung denims on his hips and a hint of black just above them to seal the image of his rugged back side. He's swaying slightly and it's hard to tell whether he's swaying to the music, or if he's just tipsy from his drink.
I step closer and forget for a moment that we haven't spoken in so long, that we no longer share the connection we once had when this music played between us. But still, I feel like he needs to know that I can feel the beauty of it too, I don't want to make things better between us, I just want to tell him that I know. I know what I didn't know then and I feel it too. I'm right behind him now and he hasn't moved an inch, he's still swaying in front of the fire. His head resting on the arm leaning against the wood mantel above the fire. The fire is blazing and I feel my cheeks getting warm as I approach the flames that warm my cold skin.
Slowly I raise my hand gently to his back, my fingers touch his skin that shivers and shoulders that hunch at my touch. I bite my lip at his reaction and wonder if he knows it's me. Slowly I press my palm to his soft olive skin and breathe out a shaky breath. Eventually he relaxes, and I run my fingers down his back and to the black of his boxer briefs studying his exquisite body as I go. I step forward again and close my eyes as I press my cheek against his cool skin and take a deep laboured breathe into his sweet supple skin.
My arms mechanically twine around his waist and I can feel him shaking, I can tell he is crying and I hug him tighter. I told myself a few minutes ago I didn't want to soothe him, I didn't want to take on his pain, I never wanted to actually help him. But now as I stand here I cant help but feel like I need to just tell him it will be okay. That I never wanted everything to turn out this way.
The music fades out and I can feel him turning in my arms and I quickly move my hands to wipe the tears from my eyes. I look up and see his are damp too, red, like all those months before when we made love on his bed to this song. Without thinking I reach up and wipe his cheeks with the back of my fingers and lean in to rest my head on his chest as the song repeats again. I can't help it, I let myself cry, and I cry for everything I lost, I cry for everything that has happened to Jeremy, to my parents, to Jenna, everyone. I weep about who I have become and I sob at the thought that the man that I love is probably broken beyond repair.
"I know Stefan" I cry softly into the skin of his chest and his hands envelope me tightly, his fingers run through my hair.
"I'm so sorry Stefan...I..." he reaches for my face and pulls me up to look at him. And for once I let him, inviting his expressive eyes to boar into mine. We're both the picture of patheticness, I think to myself as we gaze into each other's tear stricken eyes for what seems like so long.
"You don't have to.." he says as he shakes his head and looks at me fervently, his fingers trace my lips and the song starts again and I cry a little that he's moving in to kiss me. His gentle lips press to mine and I moan at the electricity pouring through me. They move softly against me and I feel his forgiveness and acceptance in the few seconds of passion we are exchange.
When he pulls away I am awe stricken by how much I love him, how he has made me feel so utterly complete in a matter of seconds. How his kiss spoke to me in a way words never would, somehow I felt his relief, his forgiveness, his need for me still after all this time.
I look deep into his eyes, searching for any ounce of doubt in his features and wonder how we got here, how I still felt...somehow even when I shouldn't have. Our lips are still grazing and I'm torn between his eyes and the need to press my lips to his again.
"Stefan..." I ask softly, breathing heavily against his mouth and licking my lips at the thought of his hard body next to mine.
"I need you" I say looking at him, hoping he can see that I know and remember a time that maybe I didn't understand the beauty of his words and what he meant by them. Knowing he was alone apart from the love we shared, that somehow loving one person was enough for him. He nods, answering my question with a look in his eyes that says I love you.
And were kissing now, lightly pressing our lips together. His hands seem glued to my hips and I move them upwards and encourage him to explore. He backs me up to the couch and my breath is heavy as I reach for his jeans and undo the buttons.
Our kisses are heated, sloppy and needy as he positions himself between my legs and looks up to stare at me with intense eyes. I can see them watering and I slowly reach up to run my fingers through his soft hair and move him back to my lips. I want to heal, I want to feel again, his eyes make me make me see the hope I thought was lost forever
"Make love to me Stefan" I whisper as he kisses his way down my neck and to my breasts. He seems hesitant, but I coax him to remove my jacket, my jeans, my tank and bra. In turn, I slowly move him to standing so I can fully remove his jeans, his socks and boxers.
I kiss my way up his thighs and move my hands to his hardness and stoke him longingly as he watches. His breathing is hard and it takes everything for me to concentrate on pleasuring him. Slowly I kiss my way up his chest, his neck and capture his lips in a deep kiss.
He walks me back until my calves touch the couch and we slowly lower ourselves down. His kisses move around my body, it's new and its old and I feel like I'm going to burst from the intensity of it all. His lips reach my core and my hands are instantly in his hair as I moan at the feel of his tongue on my world. His skilled lips move in a tantalizing rhythm and I want him inside of me. I've waited and denied myself of this for too long. I pull on his hair and urge him to kiss me. Quickly, he prowls over my body and grinds his hard body against my wetness and I mewl at the closeness of him near my entrance.
He lets out a soft groan in my ear as my fingers travel down his most sensitive area of him and desire shoots through me mixing with the intense love I have always felt for him even when I thought it stopped existing. I run my fingers over his smooth cheeks and pull him forward for him to take me. The songs ends and slowly starts again on the loop and we share a knowing smile at each other while gazing over this beautiful music that has seemed to have pulled us back together.
He locks his eyes to mine, his breath fast, and his lips parted in that way that I love so much. I reach my hand over to trace them again, and wrap my legs around his waist. Resting his forehead on mine, he lightly breathes on me for a moment, pressing against me but not moving inside just yet.
He lets out an exhale and again I feel myself tense with the anticipation and bite my lip as I stare at him stare at me.
"Nothing...compares to this.." He closes his eyes and presses into me and I cry out as I he fills me slowly, tentatively. I close my eyes and hold him tight trying to get myself to stop from crying out again, as the music becomes euphoric , rings in my ears and fills me with happiness. I realise this song will never be old to me; I will always feel the same way when I listen to it. Just like I will always love Stefan to the very epitome of my being. He drops his head to my shoulder, swallowing hard, biting back his own sounds of intensity as we listen and rock together.
Writing in restraint, sucking in quick breaths, we move together. It is so intense, our months of being apart, the loneliness, the ache, the want.
Knowing I was close and not wanting me to wait any longer, he leans his forehead on mine watching me as my eyes flutter closed.
"I love you" I can hear him whisper above me, I open my eyes to tell him I love him too but instead he pushes a little harder and the euphoria bursts through and I arch my back panting as I whimper and he hushes me with kisses.
"Love you, love you, love you" I repeat in his ear as I shake and shudder beneath him. He slows to let me recover for a moment. I stroke his hair as he kisses my neck and sooths me back to him.
"I love you so much" I whisper feeling tears run down my cheeks. My body is shaking from the contained burst of emotions and euphoria inside of me. When I look to him, his eyes are conveying so much love and lust and need. I lean in to kiss him passionately, fervently as he starts a new rhythm and we shake together in ecstasy, watching and loving each other in a way I never thought possible over and over again.
Afterwards we lie together, ensconced inside the music as we stroke and soothe each other into a humble sleep. I don't know what the future is, I don't know how long this moment of clarity will last, or how much time we have before the next disaster happens. But I do know that for the first time in a long time, I feel alive.
What do you think? Reunions are really difficult sometimes, but I hope something like this happens in the show...within reason of course :). Reviews are always greatly appreciated.