(So I've been gone for over a month. Oops… School got to me, so I apologize and will try to update more often, Also if you like Harry Potter, I have another fanfiction lined up for the worst but most underrated couple of all time, Petunia and Vernon. It's going to be absolutely revolting and I can't wait.)

(This chapter is a bit short but I am in the process of writing a lot at once, so expect some updates.)

omgz lik iv been lik so busy but now im lik not so herez poor marysue trying to escape from lik the hunterz end lik being turnedz into lik a jackolope

I am so annoyed. How dare Artemis even try to turn me into this horned rabbit? She is almost as bad as that disgusting girl Chelsea, who I was bffs with for a few days, until she betrayed me.

Actually I don't even remember what she did anymore, but I hold grudges FOREVER. I still hate this disgusting nanny I had when I was ten, but that's a story for another time.

I wander through the woods until I find this weirdly placed tire in the middle of the forest. Obviously since I aced fifth grade science, I am smart enough to know that car tires do not normally spawn in forests.

Applauding myself for my own brilliance, I hop closer for a better look. Reaching out for a better look, (because obviously that tire's been to way too many places for my poor hand to not have to be drowned in purell after touching it) I touch my paw to it, and the grossest sensation happens.

I feel like I'm being pulled to a new location, and I think I might vomit, which is never good, because my poor one-of-a-kind furry skirt thing might get ruined. I can't believe those horrible fashionless orange shirted idiots let it HANG ON A TREE for so long, like did you see it's potential?

While I am filling my head with amazingly intelligent thoughts, I suddenly realize that the tugging sensation has stopped. I look around and notice that I'm in a…

GROSS DIRTY STREET? Like, has this place seen a broom since 1890? Ugh, miserably, I hop towards what looks like a dress shop, hoping they would show some sympathy for me. Upon closer inspection, the dress shop was...for bathrobes?

Ughhhh, these people were clearly more primitive than what I was used to. I spot a sign that says Diagon Alley, which is a completely stupid name for a street. There are also shops for owls (ew), wands (wow, into cosplay much? Cosplay is for idiots who like Halloween too much) (AN: I don't agree with this, I think cosplaying is great, but keep in mind that this is satire and it is to prove how dumb marysue is) and broomsticks? If you're so obsessed with cleaning maybe you should do some for this street!

Just as I am about to exit Madam What's-her-name's gross robe shop, I spot the most dazzling group of boys ever. Ignoring the fact that they are wearing robes too, and brandishing sticks, they are seriously beautiful. Like, forget Nico, these boys are much hotter.

I realize that they must be primitive people (again, we are dealing with a dumb girl here, no offense intended) and to them I must be a goddess. Of course I am the daughter of all the Gods, and the true leader of the Hunters of Artemis.

I make innocent whimpering noises, knowing that they will make the primitive wizards discover how I am a true Goddess inside. The hottest boy in the group and stares down in my direction, looking adorably perplexed. He makes a motion to gesture the rest of his cute friends over, and I know that this is the moment I've been waiting for. True love…

"What is this scum doing in this shop! Get that rabbit with antlers away from me! It is a filthy half-breed and I will not tolerate it!" The boy shouts at everyone who bothers to listen. Um, excuse me? I am so annoyed that I yell: "I am not a filthy half-breed! I am a beautiful goddess that was cursed by a creepy witch and I demand to be freed!"

The boy now looks sheepish. He turns to his group of friends. "Well that changes things. Anyone seventeen yet? We have some rescuing to do." One of his friends brandishes his stick and me and mutters something that I don't understand, but suddenly I begin growing.

I catch my reflection in the mirror and to my joy, I'm me again! I decide to "faint" from shock so I can land in the arms of my prince.

He catches me easily and whispers breathlessly in my ear "You're even more beautiful that I expected. Are you really a goddess? What's your name?"

I smile demurely up at him. "Of course I'm a real goddess. My names Marya. Yours?"

"Dudelores Umbridge. I'm a wizard. Pleasure to meet you."