Yes, here it is: clarification. Enjoy!
Previously in The Fact in the Lie:
At the end of an uneventful evening, she switched off the lights in her apartment and went to rest her aching body in bed. She told herself reassuring things, such as that tomorrow, she and Booth would return to normal. That at least they could be honest with one another again. Slightly anxious, but relieved too, that she was going to tell him about The Fact, albeit maybe not about how All The Evil had caused The Fact, she closed her eyes and shut down her brain.
Chapter 3
He woke up with a start, his heart racing. He pushed the damp covers away from his body and sat up straight. Damn it! Another dream about HER. About the future he'd never get to experience with her. After casting a quick look on his alarm clock - which flashed 7:43 AM - he got out of bed, pulled on his sweatpants and a hoodie, knowing there was only one way to get rid of the painful emotions stirred up by his dream. A good long run. He left the bedroom, pulled on his sneakers, grabbed his wallet and keys and left his apartment in the early morning light.
When she opened her eyes and looked at the alarm clock on the night stand beside her, it told her it was 7:43 AM. And the first thought that came into her mind was that today was the day that would determine the fate of her relationship with Booth. She shuddered. Eleven, he'd said. That was over three hours from now. Determined to keep busy until then, she got up and appreciated the consequences of her thorough physical work-out the day before. Moving like an old woman, she went through her morning routine. To say 'ouch' would be an understatement.
His lungs were burning in his chest as he climbed the stairs to his apartment, but he savored the sensation. Finally he had found something that could rival the pain that had been inflicted on his heart. When he had finally managed to produce his key and unlock his front door, he stumbled into his apartment and made his way to his bathroom, to enjoy a hot, steamy shower. A glance at the clock on his microwave - as he passed the kitchen - told him he'd been gone for almost two hours. 9:29 AM. The stunning revelation that it had taken him almost two hours to get a grip on his emotions, only reinforced his belief that he had made the right choice.
At five to eleven, she admitted to herself that she was nervous. Her apartment was clean and tidy, coffee sat in the maker, beers were in the fridge and she'd managed to walk like a normal thirty-something woman again. Now, there was nothing left to do but wait.
Time seemed to be moving a lot quicker than usual, as he found himself hurrying to get everything ready. He cast another glance over his tidy, empty apartment as he reached for the door, closed it and locked it. He walked down the stairs and made his way over to his SUV. He got in and turned the speakers up as he mindlessly inserted a CD. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and started the car. It was a short drive to her apartment and as he parked his car, he sent up a quick prayer, asking God for strength and guidance. When he had finally reached her door, he raised his hand and knocked. Once.
The knock on the door jolted her into action, and she took a deep breath before she opened it. Their eyes locked immediately, and a feeling so familiar and safe came over her that she wouldn't have minded to stand like that for a long time.
When their eyes locked, Booth found nothing but determination and peace. Apparently, she had made a decision. So had he. Something was about to change today. The knowledge that they would finally deal with whatever it was that they had going on between them, made his emotions settle down and his tensed body relaxed. "Morning, Bones."
She smiled at him. The first honest smile in weeks for as far as she could remember. "Hey, Booth." She took a step back. "Come in."
He walked into her apartment and settled himself on the couch.
"Coffee?" she asked him after closing the door.
He nodded, "Yeah, thanks, Bones." He knew from experience that talking about hard stuff and difficult situations, was easier if you had something to occupy yourself with. And this was the mother of hard stuff and difficult situations.
She got them both coffee - knowing exactly how he drank his - and sat next to him. "Thanks for coming. Did you have a nice evening yesterday?" She couldn't help herself. She hadn't meant to ask after Catherine, but she didn't know how to broach her topic, and she needed a little time to get her nerves under control.
"Yeah," he slightly smiled at the memory of how understanding and caring she had been. His demeanor quickly changed as he thought back to the way Parker had reacted to his news, clinging to him, afraid that his dad wouldn't be coming back to him.
He was saying one thing and looking as if he meant the opposite. Puzzled, Brennan decided to not pursue this line of questioning. "Booth, I asked you to come here because of selfish reasons," she admitted bluntly. "I never lied to you, but I feel like I did. So I've decided to give you more information regarding the subject." Oh, she was nervous now. Twisting her hands, breathing a little faster, gaze shifting from Booth to the window, to her hands, to her coffee and back to Booth. "To make me feel better."
Booth, who had looked up after she had spoken his name, could clearly see the nervous tension inside her body and without thinking about it, he reached out his hand and placed it over hers. "Hey, relax, Bones," he spoke softly. "Whatever it is, you can tell me, okay?" He put his mug down on the coffee table and turned towards her, giving her his undivided attention. He momentarily forgot about the news he had for her. Obviously, this is very important to her, and I'm still her partner. I want her to be able to come to me when she feels she needs someone to talk to.
His gesture had the calming effect on her that it always had, yet not as strongly as usual. She swallowed and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. When she opened them, he was still looking intently at her, but with a patient air. "I told you I couldn't change. Do you remember that?"
The memory of that disastrous evening hit him square in the chest. Unconsciously he tightened his grip on her hand and nodded, unable to trust his voice. Was that what this was all about? She felt like she hadn't made her point of view clear enough? He decided to stop assuming things and just waited - albeit a little more anxiously - for her to continue.
The strength of his grip somehow made her stronger, too. "I was referring to something in particular, then."
He frowned, having no idea what she could be referring to. Feeling like he had gained significant control over his vocal chords, he spoke, "Go on, whatever it is, you can tell me."
She gave him a look that said, you don't know what you're saying. "I - Booth, you want a family. I want that, too, or at least, wanted to. But that's - impossible... with me. And I want you to have everything. Because you deserve to have your wish. You really do."
His confusion only increased, he just stared at her, not knowing what to say, or how to react. After a few tense silent moments, he spoke up. "Bones, that doesn't make any sense." He looked into her eyes, deciding to be as honest with her as he knew how to be. "Bones, I want you. That's all I want. To share my life with you." He cleared his throat as he let go of her hand. "You've made it clear that you don't return my feelings. And I can - I'm dealing with that, okay?"
She looked at him. "You're not talking in the past tense. But Catherine -"
Booth interrupted her, "Catherine doesn't matter anymore, Bones. We decided to end it yesterday evening. She took it rather well. She was understanding and she even invited me to stay over for dinner."
"I'm sorry it didn't work out," she told him, and she meant it. For him.
"Yeah, well, so was she. Luckily she understood." He looked at her. "But you're still not making any sense, Bones," he gently probed, more concerned about what was going on with her than with his recent breakup. He knew exactly how he was going to deal with that. Right now, he had to be there for his partner. "Well, you've told me other stuff that you've never told anyone else, right? You can still tell me things like that, Bones," he tried to convince her, "I'm still here." He added silently, I still care. "Come on, Temperance, you know I won't judge."
She knew he was right. Her eyes fixed on his hands. "The reason that I can't change, that I can't give you a family, is that I can't have children, Booth." She closed her eyes, internalising the moment, exploring how she felt now that she'd spoken the words to someone for the first time. They came out surprisingly easily. She decided she was okay with it. She opened her eyes and looked at him. "I can't have children," she said again, now capable of looking directly at his face as she told him. "Physically," she specified, "I can't have children." It was strange, but she wanted to say it over and over again, now that she could. The Fact was finally out.
Booth was stunned into silence as she looked up at him and repeated her words. He opened his mouth to say something, but when he had no idea what to say, he closed his mouth again. He just kept looking at her, trying to make sense of what she was saying. He knew she was telling the truth; his partner was honest to a fault. He slowly sat back, leaning into the couch as he continued to try and take in this new information.
"That's what I was trying to protect you from," she said in a soft voice when he remained silent. "From me," she added when she thought of All The Evil.
That snapped him out of his shock-induced bubble. "Whoa, Bones! I don't need you to protect me from you. What I need, is for you to be honest with me. Why - why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because I wanted to protect you! You protect me all the time," she pointed out. "That knowledge would have put a guilty burden on you. Suppose that you would still have wanted me at that moment. How could you know that you weren't going to regret your decision? And if you did change your mind, would you break up with me so you can be happy? How could I ever make you completely happy?"
He got up and started to pace as he listened to her arguments. Suddenly he turned towards her. "I get that, Bones, I get that you were trying to protect me. I do. But you don't know what the future will be like! Neither do I." He ran his hands through his hair, before he sat back down. "I wish you would've told me earlier."
"Well I'm sorry that my plan failed. But I was considering the long term." She was silent for a moment. "And unfortunately, I do know about the future," she continued sadly. "I had a bacterial infection and it caused scarring. Scars don't dissolve over time," she said in a soft voice. She surprised herself by actually referring - albeit quite implicitly - to All The Evil. But this was Booth. And she felt that it was okay.
"Wait a minute, Bones. That big brain of yours is a few steps ahead of me, I'm afraid. First of all, you may know that this won't go away in the future, but you can't predict the future anymore than I can." He turned towards her and placed his hand on her knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. "When did you have the infection? And what scarring? Did it happen when you went on that dig, after I had awoken from my coma?"
"No," she shook her head. He was way off the mark. "This happened when I was eighteen." His hand touching her felt so good. But she couldn't yet reach out to him, too, physically. Her hands remained tightly clasped in her lap. His comfort felt really good, though.
"Eighteen?" he asked confused, but when the dots started to connect themselves, he scooted a little closer to her. "Eighteen. You've known since you were eighteen." His voice was a soft whisper as realization dawned. "No wonder you were always so adamant about not wanting kids." He wanted to hug her, but he didn't know how she would react to that, so he settled for giving her knee another gentle squeeze.
She still sat up straight, her back rigid. She tried to figure out what she was feeling, but she couldn't really tell, couldn't get a grip on her emotions, if they were there at all. As her thoughts trailed off, a coldness settled inside her. She was staring at nothing, zoning out without intending to.
Seeing that far-away look appear in her eyes, he moved closer and wrapped his arms around her. "Bones... Temperance..." He tightened his grip around her, pulling her closer to his body, trying to reach her through the fog in her mind. "Come on, Bones. Talk to me. You said I'm the first you've told this to. I think you've been holding this inside way too long. Just - just let it out, okay?" He couldn't resist the urge to kiss her and softly pressed his lips against her cheek. "It's just me. You can tell me."
His gentle gesture brought her back to present, and her body slackened in his arms. She hugged him back, not for the comfort, but because she'd missed him. "I decided it would be easier not to want children. And that worked for me, but now I wish it had never happened," she told him in a soft, but steady voice.
She never dealt with it, was the conclusion that crossed his mind. She just compartmentalized, deciding that she didn't want kids anyway, so it didn't matter that she was no longer physically capable of conceiving them. Besides, she was just eighteen! No eighteen-year old should have to be worrying about whether or not they want to have kids! He pulled her body, which had seemingly lost all of its tension, closer to his. But something about her statement was bothering him. "It? The infection you mean?" It was clear that something had happened which had resulted in the fact that she wasn't able to conceive, and Booth found himself needing to know what that was.
"...Yes." She held him, too. "Booth? I've missed this. Us." She tightened her grip around him and rested her head on his shoulder.
He sighed, pure misery washing over him. "Bones, I know we are friends. And don't get me wrong, this is what friends do. They support each other. They lean on each other when they are having a rough time." He sighed again, "Can you just not refer to our friendship as an US, please?" He tried to diffuse the lump in his throat by swallowing. "We're not a couple, so we're not an US. You told me you didn't want an US. You know what I want. And I thought after that night that I knew what you wanted, but now..." Booth paused, searching for the right words, "I don't know what we are anymore, Bones."
She pulled apart. "Booth. How can we be in a romantic relationship when we don't even know everything about each other? How can you say you want to be with me for the rest of your life when you don't know everything? What if I for instance killed someone before you knew me? Or what if I get in an accident and have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair? Have you thought about any of that? I just don't want to make you unhappy, and I'm so afraid that's what I'll end up doing. And if I decide to love you back, and you leave - it would be disastrous!"
"Listen to yourself, Bones! You're assuming things. What-ifs never did anyone any good! So what if you would have killed someone before I met you? What about me? I killed almost fifty people before we met! Does that automatically mean I don't deserve to be loved? So what if you'd get into an accident and would end up in a wheelchair?" He cupped her face in both of his hands. "At least you'd still be alive. You'd still be with me. Just like any other couple out there, we are bound to have disagreements. But we have them as partners as well. I can't do this, Bones. I can't just 'sorta' have you in my life. Either I do or I don't. But I can't do this, Bones. I simply don't know how," he admitted softly, having calmed down again.
The intense look he was training on her, mad with love and hope for it to happen, as well as devastation, suddenly had her all teared up. She sniffed and asked him in a shaky voice, "What if there are things you don't know about me and if you did, you wouldn't look at me the same way?"
He was about to say that those things didn't exist, but he quickly realized that they did, just like he had stuff in his past he thought changed people's perspective of him. "Remember that night, years ago? After I had the guts to do something as stupid as firing the Jeffersonian? What did I tell you that night? About me? Do you remember what I told you?"
She nodded. He was still holding her face, but she didn't mind. It was sweet, not meant to control her in any way. "Of course I do. You had a gambling problem."
"Have." It was a little hard to admit that, but the harsh truth simply was that you don't heal from an addiction overnight. "Have, Bones. I'll always struggle with that part of myself. That's why I told you. That's why I'm telling you now. I want you to know me. All of me, so you know what you are getting yourself into." His thumb gently brushed the skin of her cheek. "Tell me, honestly, does that make you see me as a bad partner? A bad human being? Because I have a gambling addiction?"
"No. But Booth, there are other things. Like - more complicated things." She placed one of her hands over his, still on her cheek, and leaned into it, briefly closing her eyes.
"Bones, the past only has as much power as you give it. Following your reasoning, I would be the worst person anyone could ever choose. In my life, I have killed people, lied to people in order to continue gambling. But does that mean I'll repeat the mistakes of my past? That I'll kill innocent people? That I'll gamble with money or lives? Or both? People change constantly, Temperance. And yes, I know that some things that people do to us, will never change. Nor will the effects. I - I was abused as a child. I can never change that fact. But we can adapt. Deal with those effects. Right?"
She closed her eyes and exhaled, slightly more reassured. "I like your reasoning," she finally said.
When he saw her relax, he softly continued. "I don't think you really adapted to the fact that you lost the ability to conceive. You just decided that you didn't want kids anyway, so it wouldn't bother you as much." He realized he could be overstepping boundaries, but he asked her anyway. "What happened, Bones?" Something was nagging at the back of his mind, and it had been for quite a while. Something in her story simply wasn't adding up. He concentrated, going over her story again. "Eighteen..." he whispered softly as the missing piece of the puzzle clicked firmly into place. He looked up at her, continuing a little louder, "This infection, was it an STD?"
Her eyes shot open, and she knew he'd caught her on a mistake. She realized that she'd once told him she had sex for the first time at age twenty-two. So of course he had to wonder how she got an infection at eighteen. Her heart-rate sped up, muscles tensing. He was getting dangerously close. Close to All The Evil. "It might as well have been," she told him, a bit cryptically.
He shook his head, leaning back, letting go of her. "No." The word seemed to contain all the pain he had been walking around with ever since that disastrous evening. He looked into her eyes. "I understand this is delicate and hard to talk about, but I don't have the strength left to decipher cryptic answers, Temperance. I've been as honest with you as I know how. Please, just tell me." Remembering her fear of being perceived as weak or different, he added, "You'll always be Bones to me. Always. But if this is the main reason why you won't give us a chance, then I want to know. I need to know, Bones. Please. Please, just tell me."
She sighed deeply as without her approval, her brain had released the memories in response to Booth's pleading. She dropped her face in her hands, breathing through the images that assaulted her mind. She wanted to tell him that no, he did not need to know, and certainly didn't want to know, but she had a feeling it would make no difference to point that out to him. "I've always been afraid that somehow I'd be put back into foster care if I ever told this," she spoke into her hands, warning him beforehand that this wasn't a pretty story.
Now that we know what The Fact is, we're left with another mystery. What's 'All The Evil'? Please review and you'll find out.