Chapter 3: Agent Chickens

"You have dialled 1-800-GUN. Press 1 for UFO sightings. Press 2 for sales. Press 3…"

"Zero."

"All operators are busy assisting other minions. Please hold."

Peacefully standing on a windowsill six storeys above the ground, Shadow listened to idle music for three minutes before someone picked up the phone. Whoever it was, the hedgehog hoped to make it quick. Ultimate Life Forms don't do people skills.

"This is agent Dickens. I'm on my way to the cookie jar," he whispered into the wrist communicator.

"Copy that, agent Chickens. My supervisor is looking up the code for 'cookie jar'," the voice replied. Rustling, pages being flipped and coffee spills sounded in the background. "Found it! Okay, print report. Can you hold the line? He has to sign it till you receive further instructions."

"Wait, what?" Shadow nearly fell off, losing mental and physical balance.

"Okay, Chickens, my man, I've found two whole objectives. Got a pen to write this down?"

The hedgehog patted his pockets prior to realising he had none and frowned. He was stuck on a windowsill and some spotty-faced clerk asked him to… Just play along, Shadow. "Yes."

"The word is 'Roger', Chickens."

"It's Dickens."

"Nope. Super' says it's Roger. You must be using the old book."

"I will find you…"

"Got a really bad line here, Chickens. Be sure to write these down. Objective one: get the cookie jar. Objective two: keep Mr Biscuit out of the cookie jar."

Shadow glanced into the room, where Eggman was joyously stuffing himself with pricy hotel goodies. As he peered back at the communicator, the hedgehog couldn't decide which one annoyed him more. "That's why I'm still in this mess!" he exclaimed. "Who's responsible for these daft code names?!"

"Slow down, Chickens. I'll need to transfer you to my colleague in complaints if you want to start something."

"Agent Dickens, you illiterate! Dick-ens."

"Losing you, agent Chickens. End transmission."

"He hung up on me!" Shadow growled, arms up in the air, dangerously off balance. "Whoah!" He folded them and closed his eyes for a moment. "Right. I am the Ultimate Life Form. I am the Ultimate Life Form. ULF, ULF, go!"

The mantra helped, so the spy could carry on with his mission. Amy's room was six windows to the right, two floors below. The jumping puzzle would be a piece of cake, Shadow thought. He popped to the side and immediately clutched the tiny gap between square wall panels before landing on the narrow windowsill. Flawless.

He repeated the jump. With a bit of patience, he'd reach the fourth floor. The next side jump looked tricky, and Shadow wasn't in the mood to pick up new challenges, so he considered descending. The ground looked painfully far from the hedgehog.

Shadow prepped his soap shoes for a smooth landing at the fifth floor, just outside the wall.

"On the count to ultimate. One…ten…ultimate!"

He let go of the edge. Gravity pulled him down to the next level with great force, in detailed slow motion to accentuate the hedgehog's masterful two-metre flight. A click of the shoes powered up the soles, but no more than necessary – every bit of noise could blow his cover.

Shadow pressed back to the window as he touched the narrow sill. Just a few more to go.

"Hm?" he turned to look inside the room. Someone was staring him dead in the eye.

"Harold! Harold! There's a naked porcupine out the window!"

Naked? He had shoes on his non-porcupine feet all the time. The screamer inside wasn't in the mood for arguments, though. Lights turned on in surrounding rooms. He could no longer proceed safely.

"Pepper spray, Harold! Gas the porcupine!"

The hedgehog peered below for an escape route, but it was too late. Harold opened the window outward, effectively pushing the spy off into oblivion. As he fell, Shadow could hear genuine praise for Harold's heroism liberally peppered on the intruder's fur. Lights turned off, the spectators already bored from a lack of screaming, and Shadow braced for impact with Mother Earth's concrete blocks.

He rolled up tight in a split second, having to immediately unravel by the second floor, hoisted back up like a yo-yo. The leash! Its string got caught on the hotel's flag post since the hedgehog forgot to remove it.

Shadow gasped once in relief. The second time he gasped, he did it only for air. By the third gasp, the hedgehog was panicking. He hissed and wheezed to detach the string, unable to find the clip while slowly turning blue.

Four storeys up, a familiar evil scientist peeped out.

"How's it going?" Eggman asked.

The fidgeting turned violent as Shadow tried to get the doctor's attention. He signalled at the flag stalk.

Aww, the poor guy must have gotten stuck. Eggman would come to his rescue by destroying the flag. He looked for something heavy to throw. Ten bottles of liquorice soda would do. Empty, but deadly when powered by Eggman.

Off they went, hitting random parts of Shadow's increasingly blue personality and smashing against the post. Despite the damage, he was still being held hostage. There was no time to call in an Egg Carrier; the doctor looked for something sharp.

Shadow foresaw this as well as the consequences, so he clutched onto the string and started chewing on it. A dislocated jaw appealed to him more than part two of a rescue brewed by a soda-intoxicated evil scientist with an unnatural hatred of everything alive and furry. As the doctor re-emerged in the window with an expression calling for "Ah hah!" Shadow's chompers reached full speed.

The madman held a knife at the ready.

Knowing Eggman's aim, this one would go right to his head like a pint of rootbeer, the extra foamy kind. The knife felt likewise: it cut through the air like a dive bomber, ready to unleash its payload on the stuck little hedgehog.

Had someone taken the shot on camera, the flight would have become a set of trailers for the most breath-taking movie about cutlery. Alas, the only one still plotting the drama between motivated bites to freedom was busy reviewing his short life, most of which was spent in stasis tubes in old warehouses.

Success! Shadow was free to fall again, unleashed and unbruised. The knife let him have a Halley's Comet moment by missing his facial expression to throttle into the besieged flag post.

"Chaos…" he began, but felt an emptiness where a Chaos emerald would normally be. "Bah! Roll!"

Luckily, he landed on his quills. The fall was softened further by the bottles Eggman discarded earlier, so he didn't even notice how the knife appeared on his head.

Shadow now had to return to his room…somehow. The stray pet with kitchenware in its head did not impress the concierge.

"I'll call the ambulance."

"No, no. It's just a butter knife," he replied. The last thing he needed was another council authority snooping around.

"It's. In. Your. Head."

"It's stuck in my quills, see?" Shadow took it out promptly and put it on her desk. "My head is not as big as it looks. I'm mostly fur."

The receptionist frowned. "Where is your leash?"

Shadow pointed at the flag post, where most of it danced in the wind.

"I'll call the firemen."

"No, no. I'll get it."

"You haven't recovered from the knife in your head."

The hedgehog remained silent for a while. "…Knife in your head. I'll consider that."

He left the hotel again, but how was a pygmy hedgehog supposed to grab a string hanging four metres above the ground? By climbing onto the bike stand, then, the restaurant's shade banner, descending to the street as it was still too far and taking a maintenance ladder in the end.

"It all starts with this," he grumbled on the top rung, "I team up with Eggman. Life pours salt on my chips and steals the bag."

Shadow crawled to the end of the stalk to unhook the leash. He pulled it up slowly to make sure the flag post held still, and yanked the string off. As he turned to back up, Shadow's team mate popped out the window again. Eggman could see the poor hedge remained in captivity.

"Shadow! I'll save you now!" he cried.

Eggman picked up a brick, and there was no way he'd miss after the warm up round.

The throw wasn't as graceful or as smooth as last time: the brick tumbled towards Shadow. Eggman's aim, being the impeccable troll, missed the hedge by a dyed hair, again, but still hit the stalk with all its might. Shadow fell to face the pavement again, gripping the flag in panic. If the brick could bounce like the knife, he might as well quit early.

They all landed on the pillowy glass shards left from the previous fall. The brick had the most fun during the trip. Shadow's pains, however, were ready to match his social disorders.

"Gasp! You broke the flag post! I'll call the police!" the receptionist greeted him.

Shadow shivered at the last word. "No, no. I'll fix it."

He used the leash to tie the stalk pieces together since the ladder was still there. A cup of expired relief met him on the way back.

"Where is your leash?"

The hedgehog twitched eyebrow-down.