How Birth By Sleep Should Have Ended
Aqua:
When the light subsided, Aqua opened her eyes. Vanitas was gone, and Ventus was no longer encased in ice. Jeff Bridges was staring at her intently.
Aqua raised an eyebrow, but the old man did not avert his eyes. Shaking her head, she looked down at the sleeping boy. Without thinking, she kissed him on the forehead.
"It's going to be okay, Ven. You're safe now…" Though nobody else knew it, she was secretly in love with Ventus. But she had been too embarrassed to say anything. She didn't even know if Ven loved her back or not. All she knew was that if she couldn't have him, then nothing meant-
"Aww, how sweet!" Jeff cooed.
Blushing a dark red, Aqua angrily glared at Jeff. "What the hell are you still doing here?"
The actor shrugged. "Sorry, little lady, but Vanitas told me to stay here and make sure you don't try and mess up his plans." Suddenly, something stranged happened. Jeff snapped his fingers, and within seconds, was covered in a thick cloud of white smoke, obscuring himself from Aqua.
Coughing, Aqua covered her mouth, dropping Ventus in order to do it. When the smoke vanished, Aqua opened her eyes once more. However, once they came into focus, she wished she had left them shut.
Jeff was now dressed as his character from True Grit, complete with his cowboy suit, bad hygene and poor skills in the English language.
"Where is no QUARK in my BEND IT!" Jeff slurred. "Them boys, makin me hard on again!"
Aqua's mouth dropped. "What…" Words could not express the horror that stood before her.
"Grr…MY JINX IS OCCUPIED!" ERE'S MY GOGGLE!" He pulled out his guns and fired.
"Ahhh!" Aqua screamed. The bullet had pierced her leg, and she sank to the ground, wincing in pain. "Goddamn it!" Blood started to seep through her thighs, and she started to feel light-headed.
"How…how is his bullet so powerful?"
SMACK!
Jeff punched her in the face, knocking her three feet away, until she crashed into a nearby rock. Once the dust settled, Jeff started to slowly walk towards the defenseless girl, happy that he was winning.
"Lut's zat? YROFKR SRHG NODLE DHEERF?" By this point, it was impossible to understand anything Jeff was saying, but one could assume that he was trying to say "What's that? YOU'RE STILL NOT DEAD?" Aiming at Aqua's chest, he prepared to load up his gun…
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Instantly, a bullet of light struck Jeff Bridges from behind. The blast was so powerful that it consumed the entire body of that man. In fact, it was even able to turn into a pillar that could rise up to fifty feet in the air. That way, if someone was making a powerful weapon that would mean the end of the universe, they would probably mistake the huge blast of light as proof that it had been completed!
Flashback
All of a sudden, they heard a loud noise behind them that sounded like an explosion. It was so powerful that it shook both Terra and Xehanort, and for a moment, there was a flash of blinding light. Master Xehanort gasped when he saw was in front of him.
"There, you see?" He pointed at Terra. Confused, the young Keyblade Master looked to where Xehanort was pointing and widened his eyes at what he saw. "The X-Blade has been forged!"
Terra raised an eyebrow, for he had clearly seen something different. "Um, about that-"
What Terra saw was an old geezer getting sprung into the air. He was consumed by a pillar of light that seemed to rise up high into the sky, to where Kingdom Hearts was floating above them. The man was at the very top of the pillar within milliseconds, screaming, "I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS!"…
For that one split second, Terra thought to himself, "That was Xehanort's ultimate plan?"
End Flashback
Eventually, Jeff landed back on the ground, standing at the same place he was before the pillar of light had blasted him into the sky. The only difference was that a huge hole was in his stomach, and everything that he had eaten today was gone forever. "I'll miss you, Big Mac! I loved you so!" Apparently, the blast was so powerful that it had returned Jeff's speech to normal.
For ten seconds, Jeff stood there dumbstruck, unable to comprehend what all had just happened. But he managed to utter one last sentence: "Agatha, I …I stole your toothbrush." And with that, the legendary actor breathed his final breath, and collapsed to the cold, hard ground below.
Aqua's eyes widened when she saw who had saved her…
"VENTUS!"
Indeed, the pure, innocent(?) form of Ventus was standing before his beloved, holding the completed X-Blade in his left hand.
"HEAL!" Ven exclaimed. A green burst of energy was emitted from his blade, and Aqua was healed in seconds. Running over to the boy, she gave him a big hug.
"Oh Ventus, you were so brave!" Tears started flowing from her face. "You were my hero, my prince in shining armor, my-"
"Bo-ring! Where's Terra? I'm starving!" Ven brushed Aqua aside, and started running towards the big rock where Terra had flown to.
Aqua stood there in shock over what had just happened. "How could he? How could he just…toss me away like that. Even after all we've been through?"
Clenching her fist, she summoned her Keyblade and ran after the jerk she loved with all her heart, ready to cut him a new one and rip his head off…
At the top of the cliff, Terra was still lying down on the cold, hard rock. He was texting his friend Janet.
"Hey babe," he texted. "Just killed a crazy man! Want 2 hang out this Fri? LOL! Just kidding, you suck!"
Putting his phone aside, Terra kept looking at the masterpiece that was Kingdom Hearts, admiring its large mass and its unique shape, and its blue color, and its divine majesty…
"Oh, Kingdom Hearts, I understand what Xehanort wanted you so. When I look at you, I feel at peace with the world, and my heart just seems to scream out. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who understands me, unlike those morons Aqua and Ven! They're always dreaming of making out with each other, and they never listen to me!"
Terra started to grin wickedly. "Maybe Xehanort wasn't crazy after all. Maybe I should try and claim Kingdom Hearts for myself! Maybe I should take over the-"
"TERRA!"
"What? Where? Who?" Terra panicked and started scrambling around. When he looked up, he saw Ven looking over him.
"Terra, you're okay!" Ven cheered.
"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm alright!" Terra nodded. Slowly, he started to stand up. The moment he was on his own two feet, Ven hugged him.
Or, more accurately, he glomped him. This is a million times weirder.
"Terra, I'm so glad you're okay! I had the worst nightmare! I was in this graveyard, and there was this really bad man, and then there was lightning storm, and then there were even more bad men, and then I was frozen, and then Vanitas showed up, and then I remembered I touched Aqua's butt, and then there were even more bad men-"
Terra slapped him across the face. "Get ahold of yourself, man!" Turning his back, he thought about this. "If what you're saying is true…then I still don't care…Wait a minute. YOU TOUCHED AQUA'S BUTT!"
Ven nodded. "Uh-huh, but it was a long time ago, and I don't think-"
But he was greeted by another smack to the face, this time by Terra's Keyblade Chaos Ripper. "You idiot! I had to wash Aqua's pet gerbil's tank for a week, AND she filed a one month restraining order against me, you little pervert!"
"I'm SORRY! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
SMACK!
This time, Ven was spanked, leaving his bottom really sore. This time, it was by another Keyblade, this one belonging to Aqua. Her face was bright red, and veins were popping out of her forehead.
"I'll give you five seconds to run!"
Ven gulped. "AHHHHHHHH!" In two seconds, Ven was on the other edge of the cliff, running for his life. Aqua kept blasting Ven's bottom with various painful spells, and Terra was left in moral conflict over whether to intervene or not.
Everything was nothing. Everything was random. Everything was…birth by sleep.
(At the cost of Ven's butt, Aqua's heart, and Terra's brain)