Princess Akane was bored. Bored, bored, bored!
Sure, being a Princess sounded like an incredible thing. Pretty dresses, servants to wait on you hand and foot, limited interations with those of a cowlike countenance, and a Princely husband-to-be who was (well, according to his mother, at least) a true "Prince Among Men." Plus, she was going to be Queen one day, which would really show up that snotty Ukyo from the next farm over. She thought she was just soooo great, just because she managed to make it off the farm by becoming a wandering Okonomiyaki Chef while Akane once blew up the kitchen trying to boil water.
*Mmmm. Okonomiyaki. With fresh yakisoba noodles, and just the right amount of tempura flakes, and...*
*Uhh, Grandpa? You-you're drooling on my stuffed piggy.*
*...oh, yeah. With a side of piping hot ramen and some shashimi and a big bowl of-*
*Grandpa!*
*What? Hey, why's your stuffed piggy wet? You didn't have an 'accident', did you?*
*Ewww, no! Now get on with the story.*
Sure, the Princess gig seemed like a dream come true, but the reality left quite a bit to be desired. Those pretty dresses she'd dreamed about as a child? They itched like nobody's business. Plus, she couldn't even perform a basic kata in them. Those servants? A bunch of ill-mannered perverts, the lot of them. And she couldn't even mallet them when they deserved it, since she'd given that up... a long time ago. The limited interaction with cows? Well she... That is, they... And when... Okay, that one had no downside.
But, being married to a "Prince Among Men"? That meant she had to be a true "Princess Among Women". And being a girly-girl was never very high on her list of priorities. Sewing, needlework, traditional tea ceremonies? What did they think she was, some kind of baka? Although, for some reason, everytime she tried to bring it up to Queen Nodoka, Akane would look her right in the swor- right in the eye, and lose her nerve.
Which was probably why she spent so much time out horseback riding. She was out in the fresh air and sunshine. No worries. No pressures. No perverts and bakas.
And, if she just 'happened' to ride by a cow. And she just 'happened' to be holding a polo mallet in her hand. Well, then no one could really fault her for taking a tiny little swing. Could they? It's not like it was even a real mallet. Sure, they called it a mallet, but where was the wieght, the heft, the power that a REAL mallet had on the backswing? Nowhere, that's where! In fact, once she was Queen, she'd have all the polo mallets renamed as polo... somethings.
No, wait. She had it. They'd be polo-chans. Or P-Chan, for short.
Akane smiled, lost in her daydreams. Which was why she didn't notice the three men who stepped out in front of her horse until after she'd ridden over them.
The leader, a tall dark-haired man in a loose white top and charcoal grey pants held up his wooden sword, and opened his mouth. "Hold, fair maid. For we are but poor ronin, searching for a roof to shelter our heads this night. Pray tell, are there any villages nearby where we might trade our skills for roof over our heads?"
To which Akane would have replied, "Uh, no. This is the middle of the forest. There's no one around for miles." Yes, if the horse hadn't trampled the man down before he'd gotten out the first word, that's how Akane would have replied. Too bad, as the man had had a very sharp and clever comeback ready to use just before they knocked her unconscious and took her back to their boat.
But, as what he'd intended to say came out more like, "Holfgrk ptun blapck. burf fyle perrfin dijorak," absolutely none of that mattered in the slightest.
When Akane heard the horrible noise, and turned her horse around, her first words were, "Oh, you poor man. I hope you are not too gravely injured. My humblest apologies."
*Really, Grandpa? Wow, she's really a nice person, isn't she?*
*Well actually, I was softening up the story for ya, kiddo.*
Actually, her first words after getting off the horse were, "What kind of stupid bakas are you three? I mean, this is a 'horse'. A 'horse' is much bigger and stronger than you, and can trample you under it's hooves without a second thought. Therefore, when you see a 'horse' coming at you, what do you think you should do? Jump out of the way really fast? Nah, that's not necessary. After all, getting trampled is SO much fun."
By this time, the other two men had helped their leader to his feet, and silently faced Akane, giving her their best intimidating stare. Well, the leader and the meadium-sized man with the yellow and black bandana did. The white-robed man, with incredibly thick glasses sitting on his forehead, gave his most intimidating stare to a small tree stump somewhere off to their left. Although, if Akane had been able to see it, (or if the tree stump had eyes) at least one of them would have been intimidated.
Their leeder focused his steely gaze at the girl, and tried once more. "Fleen ref perfannring flonase. Perrfin fligis rooufender?"
"What did he say?" Akane asked the bandana-ed man.
"Probably some clever and witty remark asking if there was any farms or villages around here. He was up all last night practicing it."
"Oh. Well, yeah. There's a medium-sized village about two miles in that direction. Just head that way, and you can't miss it."
The bandana-ed man blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Okay, thanks." He gathered the wildly grunting man and the one with glasses, and headed off.
Akane watched them start walking into the trees for a moment before realizing. "Hey, wait! You're going the wrong -! Oh well. I guess some people just refuse to accept your help."
She turned to get back on the horse, and was surprised to see them reapproaching from a completely different direction. The leader was gesturing wildly, and pointing back at Akane, while making semi- inarticulate grunts at the others.
The bandana-ed man gave a slight grin. "Sorray about this, but.. uh..." He was prodded at by the leader, "Hold it, fearful maiden. For we are wandering circus performers..." He was whacked across the back of his head by the wooden kendo sword, while the leader grunted. "Oh. I mean, for we are wandering ronin. Not that there's anything wrong with being a circus performer. I mean, Mousse over there used to do this amazing trick with a duck and some throwing knives. At least, until the duck sneezed, and they had to cook it in a nice orange sauce until he was roasted to perfection, and then serve it with some fluffy white rice and..."
*I don't think this has much to do with the story.*
*Forget the story. You got anymore cookies?*
*No story, no cookie!*
*Rotten, little, good-for nothing...*
The bandan-ed man continued, "We are just wandering ronin. Is there a village near here where we could do some work in exchange for some clean underwear."
The leader whcked him with the kendo sword. "Grinch'nge ver voof'ver reds."
"What? In exchange for some roofing contracts?"
"No. Grinch'nge ver voof'ver reds."
"For a quarter pounder with cheese?"
"No! Grin. Ch'nge. Ver. Woof. Ver. Reds."
Mousse turned to face the other two. Well, in a vague way. Sort of.
Anyway, he chimed in. "Ryoga, I think Kuno wants for us to trade our skills for a roof over our heads."
"Gves!!!"
"And a chance to watch 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'."
Kuno looked for a moment like he wanted to argue the point, but finally just shrugged and nodded.
Akane stared at the three men for a moment before duberously answering. "Yeah. Okay. I told you that there's a village about two miles over that way the last time you asked me. I don't think it's really going to have had time to move itself somewhere else since then."
The leader, Kuno, dramatically raised his sword, struck a dramatic pose and uttered, "Fen feres vovun vusound vou vere hyu creen."
Somewhere, off in the distance, a rather large and ungainly cricket who had been teased throughout his entire cricket life for being much too large for his own good, and 'didn't he think that trying a nice aphid diet and some strenuous pilates to tone up would be a great idea'. Well, that ugly duckling of a cricket proved all the naysayers wrong by filling the silence that followed Kuno's statement with the loudest and most humorous cricket chirp that had ever been heard. Of course, he was squished about five minutes later by a large mallet that fell out of the sky, but at least he died having done something with his life.
In the near silence that followed Kuno's statement, Princess Akane looked from the proudly posing Kuno, to the sheepishly grinning Ryoga, to the back of Mousse's head, then back to Ryoga because he seemed the most coherent (or at least the least incoherent) of the three. "What is he mumbling about?"
Ryoga looked around, trying not to meet her eye. "We're supposed to... That is, we were hired to... Well, you... And the..." He trailed off.
Mousse smirked. Not that any of them could see it. But they could tell from the tone of his voice. "Just knock her unconscious, already. We're being paid to kidnap her, not stutter like a schoolboy. So I'll just knock her out, like this." His wrist flicked in a maneuver too fast for the eye to follow, and a small fuzzy object flashed through the air, designed to knock the Princess into a state of unconsciousness. Of course, all the Beanie Baby really did was smash the tree stump he'd been glaring at, but it was still a pretty good effort.
The Princess Akane glared at them. "Kidnap? You bakas!" A mallet appeared in her hands, and she raised it to knock them all into next week. Or at least a different time zone. She held it aloft, the anticipation building... And building... And building... And...
After a few moments of her standing motionless with the mallet raised above her head, Ryoga turned to Kuno. "Why isn't she moving?"
"Rye front no."
"Should we grab her?"
"Aye finky flood chust..."
Kuno's words were interrupted by the Princess bursting into tears, and throwing the mallet as far away as she could. Said mallet landing on the the cricket mentioned about nine paragraphs ago, right after it won the grand prize in the Regional Chirp-Off, but before it could accept its prize and give a small speech about the dangers of becoming addicted to huffing pesticides. A speech that would have changed the local crickets lives forever, leading to a lower cricket crime rate, and a higher cricket-
*What is the deal with you and wierd side-stories? First it was the cows, now crickets. And you can't even eat them, so why bother mentioning them?* *Who says you can't eat them. Why, I remember once, on a training trip, we met a man who dipped them in a gooey caramel...* *Bleargh! I'm sorry I asked.*
Akane sobbed for a moment, before collapsing onto the ground, unconscious. After carefully prodding her in the side with his kendo sword, Kuno motioned for Ryoga to pick her up and carry her back to their boat. And, after hiking fifteen miles in the wrong direction because the let Ryoga take the lead, they made it.
Kuno unmoored the boat, and they set off onto the stretch of sea between them and the nearest island. As the others made sure the still unconscios Princess was comfortably laid out, he started to give an inspirational speech.
"Rfen rgon vituff, vituff retowing! Fand...
*Grandpa, how long is Kuno going to talk like that?*
*Hey, I'm the storyteller hear. I've got it all planned out. There'll be a lot of humorous misunderstandings between Kuno and the others, until finally he gets into a swordfight with the Dread Pirate Ranko. A fell blow strikes his face, popping the dislocated jaw back into place. He is finally able to speak, but his jubilation is short lived as Ranko ends the fight with a single follow-up blow.*
*That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. His mumbling is really annoying, so change it now.*
*I'm the one telling the story, and I will decide when-*
*Change it now now nownownownownownow-*
Stumbling over a loose floorboard on the deck, Kuno fell onto his face, popping his dislocated jaw back into place, and ending any and all future hilarity that would have ensued from his unitelligible speech. "Such a stroke of luck could only have been a gift from the gods unto such a one as myself. They have clearly bestowed their blessings upon my endeavor."
*There, are you happy now?*
*Yes. Quite.*
*Fine.*
*Fine.*
*Fine.*
*Fine. But no more silliness now, I mean it.*
*Have any peanuts?
*Grandpa!*
Sure, being a Princess sounded like an incredible thing. Pretty dresses, servants to wait on you hand and foot, limited interations with those of a cowlike countenance, and a Princely husband-to-be who was (well, according to his mother, at least) a true "Prince Among Men." Plus, she was going to be Queen one day, which would really show up that snotty Ukyo from the next farm over. She thought she was just soooo great, just because she managed to make it off the farm by becoming a wandering Okonomiyaki Chef while Akane once blew up the kitchen trying to boil water.
*Mmmm. Okonomiyaki. With fresh yakisoba noodles, and just the right amount of tempura flakes, and...*
*Uhh, Grandpa? You-you're drooling on my stuffed piggy.*
*...oh, yeah. With a side of piping hot ramen and some shashimi and a big bowl of-*
*Grandpa!*
*What? Hey, why's your stuffed piggy wet? You didn't have an 'accident', did you?*
*Ewww, no! Now get on with the story.*
Sure, the Princess gig seemed like a dream come true, but the reality left quite a bit to be desired. Those pretty dresses she'd dreamed about as a child? They itched like nobody's business. Plus, she couldn't even perform a basic kata in them. Those servants? A bunch of ill-mannered perverts, the lot of them. And she couldn't even mallet them when they deserved it, since she'd given that up... a long time ago. The limited interaction with cows? Well she... That is, they... And when... Okay, that one had no downside.
But, being married to a "Prince Among Men"? That meant she had to be a true "Princess Among Women". And being a girly-girl was never very high on her list of priorities. Sewing, needlework, traditional tea ceremonies? What did they think she was, some kind of baka? Although, for some reason, everytime she tried to bring it up to Queen Nodoka, Akane would look her right in the swor- right in the eye, and lose her nerve.
Which was probably why she spent so much time out horseback riding. She was out in the fresh air and sunshine. No worries. No pressures. No perverts and bakas.
And, if she just 'happened' to ride by a cow. And she just 'happened' to be holding a polo mallet in her hand. Well, then no one could really fault her for taking a tiny little swing. Could they? It's not like it was even a real mallet. Sure, they called it a mallet, but where was the wieght, the heft, the power that a REAL mallet had on the backswing? Nowhere, that's where! In fact, once she was Queen, she'd have all the polo mallets renamed as polo... somethings.
No, wait. She had it. They'd be polo-chans. Or P-Chan, for short.
Akane smiled, lost in her daydreams. Which was why she didn't notice the three men who stepped out in front of her horse until after she'd ridden over them.
The leader, a tall dark-haired man in a loose white top and charcoal grey pants held up his wooden sword, and opened his mouth. "Hold, fair maid. For we are but poor ronin, searching for a roof to shelter our heads this night. Pray tell, are there any villages nearby where we might trade our skills for roof over our heads?"
To which Akane would have replied, "Uh, no. This is the middle of the forest. There's no one around for miles." Yes, if the horse hadn't trampled the man down before he'd gotten out the first word, that's how Akane would have replied. Too bad, as the man had had a very sharp and clever comeback ready to use just before they knocked her unconscious and took her back to their boat.
But, as what he'd intended to say came out more like, "Holfgrk ptun blapck. burf fyle perrfin dijorak," absolutely none of that mattered in the slightest.
When Akane heard the horrible noise, and turned her horse around, her first words were, "Oh, you poor man. I hope you are not too gravely injured. My humblest apologies."
*Really, Grandpa? Wow, she's really a nice person, isn't she?*
*Well actually, I was softening up the story for ya, kiddo.*
Actually, her first words after getting off the horse were, "What kind of stupid bakas are you three? I mean, this is a 'horse'. A 'horse' is much bigger and stronger than you, and can trample you under it's hooves without a second thought. Therefore, when you see a 'horse' coming at you, what do you think you should do? Jump out of the way really fast? Nah, that's not necessary. After all, getting trampled is SO much fun."
By this time, the other two men had helped their leader to his feet, and silently faced Akane, giving her their best intimidating stare. Well, the leader and the meadium-sized man with the yellow and black bandana did. The white-robed man, with incredibly thick glasses sitting on his forehead, gave his most intimidating stare to a small tree stump somewhere off to their left. Although, if Akane had been able to see it, (or if the tree stump had eyes) at least one of them would have been intimidated.
Their leeder focused his steely gaze at the girl, and tried once more. "Fleen ref perfannring flonase. Perrfin fligis rooufender?"
"What did he say?" Akane asked the bandana-ed man.
"Probably some clever and witty remark asking if there was any farms or villages around here. He was up all last night practicing it."
"Oh. Well, yeah. There's a medium-sized village about two miles in that direction. Just head that way, and you can't miss it."
The bandana-ed man blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Okay, thanks." He gathered the wildly grunting man and the one with glasses, and headed off.
Akane watched them start walking into the trees for a moment before realizing. "Hey, wait! You're going the wrong -! Oh well. I guess some people just refuse to accept your help."
She turned to get back on the horse, and was surprised to see them reapproaching from a completely different direction. The leader was gesturing wildly, and pointing back at Akane, while making semi- inarticulate grunts at the others.
The bandana-ed man gave a slight grin. "Sorray about this, but.. uh..." He was prodded at by the leader, "Hold it, fearful maiden. For we are wandering circus performers..." He was whacked across the back of his head by the wooden kendo sword, while the leader grunted. "Oh. I mean, for we are wandering ronin. Not that there's anything wrong with being a circus performer. I mean, Mousse over there used to do this amazing trick with a duck and some throwing knives. At least, until the duck sneezed, and they had to cook it in a nice orange sauce until he was roasted to perfection, and then serve it with some fluffy white rice and..."
*I don't think this has much to do with the story.*
*Forget the story. You got anymore cookies?*
*No story, no cookie!*
*Rotten, little, good-for nothing...*
The bandan-ed man continued, "We are just wandering ronin. Is there a village near here where we could do some work in exchange for some clean underwear."
The leader whcked him with the kendo sword. "Grinch'nge ver voof'ver reds."
"What? In exchange for some roofing contracts?"
"No. Grinch'nge ver voof'ver reds."
"For a quarter pounder with cheese?"
"No! Grin. Ch'nge. Ver. Woof. Ver. Reds."
Mousse turned to face the other two. Well, in a vague way. Sort of.
Anyway, he chimed in. "Ryoga, I think Kuno wants for us to trade our skills for a roof over our heads."
"Gves!!!"
"And a chance to watch 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'."
Kuno looked for a moment like he wanted to argue the point, but finally just shrugged and nodded.
Akane stared at the three men for a moment before duberously answering. "Yeah. Okay. I told you that there's a village about two miles over that way the last time you asked me. I don't think it's really going to have had time to move itself somewhere else since then."
The leader, Kuno, dramatically raised his sword, struck a dramatic pose and uttered, "Fen feres vovun vusound vou vere hyu creen."
Somewhere, off in the distance, a rather large and ungainly cricket who had been teased throughout his entire cricket life for being much too large for his own good, and 'didn't he think that trying a nice aphid diet and some strenuous pilates to tone up would be a great idea'. Well, that ugly duckling of a cricket proved all the naysayers wrong by filling the silence that followed Kuno's statement with the loudest and most humorous cricket chirp that had ever been heard. Of course, he was squished about five minutes later by a large mallet that fell out of the sky, but at least he died having done something with his life.
In the near silence that followed Kuno's statement, Princess Akane looked from the proudly posing Kuno, to the sheepishly grinning Ryoga, to the back of Mousse's head, then back to Ryoga because he seemed the most coherent (or at least the least incoherent) of the three. "What is he mumbling about?"
Ryoga looked around, trying not to meet her eye. "We're supposed to... That is, we were hired to... Well, you... And the..." He trailed off.
Mousse smirked. Not that any of them could see it. But they could tell from the tone of his voice. "Just knock her unconscious, already. We're being paid to kidnap her, not stutter like a schoolboy. So I'll just knock her out, like this." His wrist flicked in a maneuver too fast for the eye to follow, and a small fuzzy object flashed through the air, designed to knock the Princess into a state of unconsciousness. Of course, all the Beanie Baby really did was smash the tree stump he'd been glaring at, but it was still a pretty good effort.
The Princess Akane glared at them. "Kidnap? You bakas!" A mallet appeared in her hands, and she raised it to knock them all into next week. Or at least a different time zone. She held it aloft, the anticipation building... And building... And building... And...
After a few moments of her standing motionless with the mallet raised above her head, Ryoga turned to Kuno. "Why isn't she moving?"
"Rye front no."
"Should we grab her?"
"Aye finky flood chust..."
Kuno's words were interrupted by the Princess bursting into tears, and throwing the mallet as far away as she could. Said mallet landing on the the cricket mentioned about nine paragraphs ago, right after it won the grand prize in the Regional Chirp-Off, but before it could accept its prize and give a small speech about the dangers of becoming addicted to huffing pesticides. A speech that would have changed the local crickets lives forever, leading to a lower cricket crime rate, and a higher cricket-
*What is the deal with you and wierd side-stories? First it was the cows, now crickets. And you can't even eat them, so why bother mentioning them?* *Who says you can't eat them. Why, I remember once, on a training trip, we met a man who dipped them in a gooey caramel...* *Bleargh! I'm sorry I asked.*
Akane sobbed for a moment, before collapsing onto the ground, unconscious. After carefully prodding her in the side with his kendo sword, Kuno motioned for Ryoga to pick her up and carry her back to their boat. And, after hiking fifteen miles in the wrong direction because the let Ryoga take the lead, they made it.
Kuno unmoored the boat, and they set off onto the stretch of sea between them and the nearest island. As the others made sure the still unconscios Princess was comfortably laid out, he started to give an inspirational speech.
"Rfen rgon vituff, vituff retowing! Fand...
*Grandpa, how long is Kuno going to talk like that?*
*Hey, I'm the storyteller hear. I've got it all planned out. There'll be a lot of humorous misunderstandings between Kuno and the others, until finally he gets into a swordfight with the Dread Pirate Ranko. A fell blow strikes his face, popping the dislocated jaw back into place. He is finally able to speak, but his jubilation is short lived as Ranko ends the fight with a single follow-up blow.*
*That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. His mumbling is really annoying, so change it now.*
*I'm the one telling the story, and I will decide when-*
*Change it now now nownownownownownow-*
Stumbling over a loose floorboard on the deck, Kuno fell onto his face, popping his dislocated jaw back into place, and ending any and all future hilarity that would have ensued from his unitelligible speech. "Such a stroke of luck could only have been a gift from the gods unto such a one as myself. They have clearly bestowed their blessings upon my endeavor."
*There, are you happy now?*
*Yes. Quite.*
*Fine.*
*Fine.*
*Fine.*
*Fine. But no more silliness now, I mean it.*
*Have any peanuts?
*Grandpa!*