When I woke up I felt worn out. I still pushed really hard to get out to school and actually found myself walking the way to campus. As I walked alone I rolled up my sleeve to see the two clean cuts from yesterday. I felt a pang in my chest as I looked at them.
How could I have been so weak?
I arrived at school and found Hide running over to me. He pecked me quickly on lips for no one to notice but still enough to feel affection. He felt so nice. "Kanekiiii" Hide whined "you left me alone yesterdayyy." I know. I'm sorry Hide. "But as long as you're feeling better now, you're here!" He continued "I copied my notes for you." He slid me a folder with papers. "Thank you Hide." I said quietly. Hide gave me a contorted face, "Are you sure you're okay, 'Neki? You seem kinda down."I plastered a fake smile on my face, "yeah I'm fine!" Out of a bad force of habit I rubbed my chin slightly as I responded to Hide, but I quickly shot the hand back to my side.
We both walked along on our way to classes when Hide suggested we go on a real date sometime. "We hang out a lot but I feel we should, you know, go out." Hide said "I'll plan everything for this date. But, you want to go out? Like, Friday night?" My face started to heat up a little. I was truly touched that he wanted to do actual couple stuff together. "I would love to do that." I said giving off a small smile. Hide placed his arm around me pulling me in closer. "Perfect!" He projected, "It's a little pressure, though. Trying to plan the perfect date in 2 days for my perfect boyfriend."I gave off another small smile that felt, forced. Hide thought I was perfect, but I didn't feel perfect. I knew I wasn't perfect. I had two reminders on my arm to tell me that.
Classes ended and Hide walked me back to my place. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kaneki." He said as I turned to open my door. "Yeah, I'll see you." I said as I turned to then face back at him. Hide leaned over and kissed me, quickly. "I love you, Kaneki." He said pulling away. "I love you too, Hide." I responded shyly. With that he shot me a smile and walked away as I returned into apartment. I felt so nice with Hide, but now being back home alone, I could feel the weight of what I had been feeling back on me. I didn't want to think about pain or sadness. Why am I so sad? I walked back to my bed when I noticed the towel I left there from yesterday. It was stained with blood all through the center. I picked it up to put it in my hamper to wash later. I placed it with other dirty clothes to realize I need to do laundry soon. I'll just, do it later. I had no motivation to do it at the moment.
The night went on and on and later I went to the bathroom to get ready to sleep. I opened a drawer to brush my teeth and found the razor from yesterday. Although I had cleaned it off, you could tell the razor was no longer new. It was awful to admit but, when I had the razor yesterday, the things I felt had briefly gone away because I was feeling physical pain instead. It felt... Better. As I picked the razor up to look at it briefly. I knew I wasn't supposed to do this. But, I would rather feel that pain then what I feel now. Suddenly, I had the razor against my arm again. This time I added three more slashes to one arm and two to the other. It hurt just like yesterday. I felt the blood rolling off my arm into the sink. I frantically turned on the sink to wash it off. Water stung as it hit the cuts. I quickly got out small bandages to wrap my arms so the blood wouldn't keep dripping everywhere. After that I cleaned up the sink and went to just lay in my bed. I stared down at the bandages loosely wrapped on my arms.
What am I doing? This is bad. This is very bad.