And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me,
And I'll never be what you want me to be
"I'm still here" Johnny Rzeznik
"So...sideburns of deception is recovering quickly, and don't misunderstand me, that's good, but what are we going to do with him?" a struggling to appear calm Kristoff asked, his worry betrayed by the fact that he was all but leaning forward, resting both hands over the mantle. Elsa and Anna, sitting next to each other on the round, small table, exchanged uncertain looks, turning back to Kristoff once they realized each had expected the other to reply "OK, so no idea" he said with a sigh.
"Why can't we just ship him off somewhere?" Anna suggested with a pout "I know his homeland is out of the question, but there are other places…preferably far away?"
"Hans is a criminal" Elsa countered "And not a common one at that. If it were any other noble exiled from his court that would be the obvious answer, but…" she trialed off, shrugging slightly. Both Anna and Kristoff knew how cautious she was being with Hans contacting anyone at all, since even the two of them and the guards in charge of his custody had been all but forbidden to see him or talk to him when he was first admitted at the castle. It had seemed as though Elsa were trying to shield them from him, her taking the whole responsibility over his possible actions or words. Only recently had she allowed Kai and Gerda, their trusty household leaders tend to his needs such as feeding and cleaning, accompanied by some guards.
"OK, I get it. We can't let a catastrophe like him run amok in an unsuspecting land" Anna nodded, scratching her ear pensively, her mouth twisted in deep thought.
"Soooo…he's stuck in Arandelle" Kristoff summed.
"More like Arandelle's stuck with him" Anna grumbled.
"Well, if he's a criminal, shouldn't he be sent to prison?" Kristoff suggested half-heartedly. Despite everything, what he had witnessed in the sales tent and, more importantly, what he had heard lit a minuscule flame of compassion inside him. He wouldn't touch Hans with a ten-meter pole but he wished no ill towards him.
"It's an option, I guess" Elsa said, seeming as reluctant as Kristoff to the idea "Except, again, this is Hans we're talking about and he seems past even trying to appear likeable. He's closer to snake-tongued than silver-tongued these days"
Yes, Kai and Gerda had often reported on the unkindness of her guest. More than once had they had to stop a guard from slapping his mouth shut when his comments became too much for them to bear. They hadn't however, been specific on the subject of these comments, only that they had been incredibly rude. Elsa had her suspicions about it, but never really confirmed them since her visits had become less often and somehow Hans seemed to hold himself back in her presence, remaining incredibly dry in his attitude, but always within reasonable limits of politeness. She guessed he was trying to distance himself and couldn't blame him, even for herself the idea that she could understand his feelings was scary, which was exactly why she was doing the same, compensating her past openness with renewed formality.
Anna puffed the hair out of her eyes, claiming back her attention.
"Well, yeah" she agreed "I mean, little Prince Asshat—"
"Language, Anna" both Elsa and Kristoff protested mildly.
"Would get himself killed by an angry cell-mate in no time" she continued, unfazed.
"Also, according to the slave guard we captured, he isn't precisely the most passive of prisoners; he told how he'd had to beat him back to submission more than once"
Kristoff scoffed remembering the pitiful state they'd found him in.
"More than a dozen times, I'd say"
"Upon asking another prisoner, he admitted having seen Hans being beaten up regularly" Elsa said, her brow furrowing in disgust and rage at the captors "At least once a day, sometimes twice"
"Yes, but that is only up to him, whether he wants to be a pain in the—!"
"Anna"
"…neck to the guards and have them treat him badly, that is completely up to him!" she looked around, hoping for the approval of her audience. Kristoff shook his head.
"Asking that guy to be decent would be like asking a mutt to keep his tongue off himself. That's just the way he is"
This time it was Anna's turn to shake her head. Well, of course that was the way he was, which was precisely why their insistence in protecting him seemed ridiculous to her! In her opinion, what Hans needed was to learn a thing or two about what happens when you go about life doing whatever you please without taking other people in regard. She had the feeling both her sister and beloved were making a mistake by treating Hans so carefully, but said nothing, contenting with twisting her mouth in a pensive line again.
"I was thinking maybe community service would be fitting…" Elsa began, more towards herself than them.
"No" Kristoff hurriedly replied "You haven't heard what the people of Arandelle tell about him. Having tried to kill the Royal family doesn't precisely make him popular among the folk. He'd be lynched the moment he sets a foot in the street" the three of them shivered at the thought "…how about a private cell, then? No guards, just someone to tend to his necessities at certain hours"
"I'm starting to believe that is the only option left but…" Elsa stammered, embarrassed at her own weakness, and fumbled with her fingers slightly before continuing "…I just…wouldn't want to confine anyone to solitude…" she finished averting her eyes towards the window. Silence greeted her words.
"Oh, couldn't the trolls hex the jerk out of him so we can send him away or something?" Anna said, more out of frustration than anything.
"OK, now you're just being silly!" Kristoff said, rolling his eyes, despite the smile in his lips. Elsa, on the other hand, seemed to lighten up.
"Anna, you are a genius!" she exclaimed, getting to her feet.
"HUH?" both Anna and Kristoff produced in almost unison, eyebrows cocking.
"What was it that the trolls told you back when you two first met?" she was saying walking in circles around the room, her face intent with ideas.
"Um, I don't know, that he likes to tinkle in the woods?" Anna shrugged.
"OK, WOAH!" Kristoff embarrassedly yelped, much to Anna's amusement "How is that helping?"
"They said everyone was a fixer upper!" Elsa said, turning to see them "Everyone!"
This time it was Kristoff's turn to exchange a confused glance with Anna, before realization washed over them both, making his hand fly to his forehead in shock and disbelief and Anna's eyes widen in fright.
"You're not suggesting…" she nervously chuckled, raising both index fingers in a conciliatory way, but one look at her seemingly newly insane older sister told her that yes, of course she was suggesting. Her hands balled to fists at the sides of her body "Oh, no…no! Absolutely not! You have to be kidding us here because there's no way you could actually be suggesting that WE fix the bastard up!"
"It worked for me, right?" Elsa said calmly, not even bothering to call her out for the language.
"No—Elsa that was completely different! Your powers are something you were born with, but Hans chose being a manipulative, cruel, lying jerk! You tell her, Kristoff!"
The alluded, who'd been deep in thought, turned to see her with an uneasy look.
"Actually…" he started with a gulp.
"DAMN IT, NOT YOU TOO!"
"No, no, just hear me out, OK?" Kristoff continued, raising both hands in what he wished were a calming manner, though the fact that he was cowering made him think it probably wasn't "It's just I-I've have been taught that no one is completely bad at heart, you know? And, who knows, maybe we could-"
"I can't believe you guys!" Anna snapped, as if talking to two particularly snotty kids.
"Throw a little love their way and you'll bring out their best, Anna, that's what the trolls said" Elsa insisted.
"Oh, so now we're going to smother him in hugs until he stops being an ass, are we?!"
"He's alone in the world, Anna, and something makes me think he's been for a while now" Kristoff gingerly commented.
"Gee, I wonder why?" she pressed on.
"But what if this is consequence instead of cause?" Elsa asked.
Anna didn't dignify the question with a reply. Instead, she walked past both her insane sister and her insane and oh-in-such-a-sea-of-trouble beloved towards the door and opened it with such force none of them would have been surprised to see it torn from its hinges.
"The Trolls also said people don't really change" she stated and left, slamming the door shut.
Hans stared at the fresh clothes at the feet of his bed in disbelief and then at Kai, who'd put them there, and then at Elsa who stood by his bed, a guard behind her eyeing him as if expecting him to spring at the Queen.
'Hell of good that'd do' he though 'As if I'd be stupid enough to try anything when the only reason I'm still alive is her'
Oh, irony.
"I'm sorry, come again?" he breathed.
"Change" she patiently obliged "We are going to the stables"
Well, she'd said it again, but he still couldn't believe that was actually what she'd said.
"Whatever for?" he inquired, suddenly wary, eyeing the guard and Kai. Not of her, he knew her to believe herself above treachery. But the question of what would happen to him now that the infection had finally receded completely had been plaguing his mind recently, and of course the most logical option was that he wouldn't be kept under her protection for much longer. This frightened him, he found, one of the ugly downsides of actually wanting to stay alive. Because he knew for a fact though Elsa was naïve enough to spare his life despite all he'd done, without her around he'd be dead within minutes. What if this visit to the stables was just a way to lure him into a cart to be taken away?
He hated how, even though he wasn't nearly dead anymore, he was still so stupidly dependent of her. He'd even needed her help to stand up the first times he'd done so since his recovery, much to his chagrin.
"The doctors have prescribed exercise for your full recovery so you will be taking half an hour rides on the hills surrounding Arandelle" she explained gently and somehow reassuringly. The thought that she'd realized his fears crossed his mind. But no, it was impossible. OK, so they had a few things in common, that didn't mean she could read his mind or something. He was unreadable, he was always one step ahead of everyone. There simply was no way someone (her, of all people, HER) could guess what was in his mind.
"With an armed escort, of course" he guessed, nodding to the guard behind her. The man glared at him as though he'd made him an insulting signal.
"Escort, yes, but not armed. Someone with the capacity to reduce you without weapons, should you try anything funny"
His eyebrows rose and he smirked.
"Oh, am I to be escorted by the Queen herself?"
The guard started violently at this, looking as though he were about to beat him. Elsa tensed up a bit.
"I'm afraid not, Hans. My incapacity to ride is only matched by my incapacity to dance"
He hated it, the condescending, impersonal way she was addressing him lately, the same she'd used upon their first meeting, back when he'd presented himself as his sister's fiancé. Who did she think she was? She couldn't waltz in one day and say she knew what he was going through and then act as though nothing had happened.
"Who then? Pig-cheeks here?" he motioned for Kai with a rude jerking of his head. Kai, already used to his pokes at his physical appearance, rolled his eyes.
"Further refrain from disrespecting my staff" Elsa retorted, scowling slightly.
'Oh, look. Finally, a reaction'
"Or is this trained monkey capable of putting down his sword if you feed him enough peanuts?" he continued, staring at the guard.
This time, Elsa herself had to physically restrain the man back.
"Say that to my face, pretty boy!" he roared, ignoring how his Queen was trying –and failing, Hans realized, looking at her feet being dragged forward with the man's body- to push him back.
"Tut-tut, compliments will get you nowhere with me, a monkey stays a monkey" Hans chided mockingly.
"Gentlemen-!" Elsa strangled out.
"Call me monkey one more time…" the guard growled, ignoring the scorch staining his uniform, product of the no doubt altered young Queen.
"Put a sword in my hand and I might just draw it out for you…on your backside, right under your furry tail" Hans retorted with a smirk, this was the most fun he'd had in weeks. By the time he'd finished saying that, Kai had joined Elsa's efforts to hold the guard back, with far much better results. She was indignantly squeaking something he didn't quite catch (She wasn't calling them sweet names, that much was for sure), to no avail.
"Keep talking, mutt!" the guard spat, now beyond furious "You think you can say whatever you please and then run and hide under Queen Elsa's skirts?"
"I would very much like to make my way in there, mind you, but pleasurable as it would be, it wouldn't do much good"
He didn't miss the scandalized, wide-eyed look she shot him, her mouth freezing mid-sentence and the ice covering the guard's clothes thickening visibly.
"I'll rip that viper tongue right out of your pretty mouth!" the guard menaced.
"Do your worst" Hans invited, arms open.
What happened next was, in so many ways, to confusing. Because suddenly the guard was being lifted off the ground like a kitten being scooped up by its mother, despite the fact that he looked like he was, at least, as tall as Hans, and moved away as if said mother were about to put it back in the basket were it had sneaked out from. It was so disconcerting that Hans fell silent, watching with a furrowed brow.
It was no mother cat, of course, but the Ice Harvester whose name kept escaping his memory.
"Looks like I'm going to have to keep him on a leash or he'll start barking around" the Ice Harvester said disapprovingly, letting the guard go, but placing himself firmly between him and Hans. Elsa, regaining poise as best as she could, brushed her hair back nervously and took a deep breath. The ice on the guard's uniform vaporized.
"This is Kristoff" she said, shooting Hans a look that could have very well made icicles dangle from his face "He will be your escort"
Hans took one look at him and tried to come up with a snark answer but the sudden contrast on height and build, coupled with the fact that Elsa's exact words about his escort before had been 'Someone who can reduce you without weapons' summoned an image directly from his childhood, rendering him speechless. That one time when Alexei, one of his older brothers, possibly the tallest and strongest of them all, even in his early teens, had made a joke about Hans's mother and he'd been innocent enough to believe righteousness and anger would make of them both David and Goliath and thrown himself, head-first, against the brute. The result was a bleeding nose, a swollen arm, a beaten stomach and him lying on the ground in a puddle of his own tears, completely humiliated, completely useless.
"What, no comment?" Kristoff said, cocking an eyebrow.
"I've had my fun for the day" Hans said, feigning nonchalance, despite the fact that he felt smaller than he had in years.
"Good. Behave yourself during the ride and I might decide not to have my kind of fun with you"
"Is the Queen leaving the room anytime soon so I can change or is she going to sit back and enjoy the show?"
This time Kristoff had to throw the guard out of the room.
By the time he returned to his room, followed by a much better shaped Kristoff he was covered in sweat, staggering in exhaustion and firmly set on falling asleep the moment he fell on his bed. Which was unfortunate, because Elsa was inside, sitting on a chair next to the bed, a book in her hands.
"My…two visits in one…day…" he panted trying to smile "What do I…owe…the honor?"
Elsa pinned him one of her freezing glares over the book and turned to Kristoff.
"How was the ride?" she asked.
"Oh, you know, his weak little legs had some troubles supporting him over the horse's back" Kristoff mockingly replied, earning a glare from Hans.
"I'm a…a little rusty, that's all" he said "You would be too…after almost a month of being either on…on your knees or sick in bed"
"Sure, sure, whatever you say…"
"Did he give you any trouble?" Elsa asked, unflinching.
"Nothing a good slap on the snout couldn't fix" Kristoff said with a smirk, patting Hans on the back with his bear-like strength, all but throwing him on the bed. The red-head mumbled something, muffled by the quilts.
"Very well, Kristoff. Thanks for everything, I'll be taking care now"
Kristoff nodded and took off, not without a suspiciously wide-smiled recommendation about the effects of hot water in sore muscles, directed to Hans. Once the door was closed, Elsa laid down her book on her lap.
"Now, if you would enlighten me on the reason of your misbehavior towards the guard earlier today…"
"Not now, I'm exhausted" he grumbled.
A rush of cold wind chilling his sweaty form made him all but jump out of the bed.
"Yes NOW" Elsa countered, glaring at him in a way that made him fear he'd be frozen solid if he didn't start speaking immediately.
"I do have a reputation of being a pig-headed jerk"
"Oh, believe me, I am well-aware of this"
"So why is it surprising if a jerk acts like one?"
"Surprising? Not in the least. What I wish to know is whatever prompted you into it, because even dogs need provoking before biting"
Come to think of it, it was a good question. What had it been? After all, his snark had come to be as a result of him being the runt of the litter, too young or too small to confront his older brothers physically. He'd more often than not end up mauled after unleashing his tongue on them, but if someone knew words still scar deep, that was him, and that satisfaction of knowing his words would remain with them longer than the bruises they'd inflicted on him made it all worth it. In his older years, he'd only unleashed it in the presence of those over which he held clear advantage or as a defense mechanism.
That day, however, he had been neither under attack or in advantage. So why?
"Well?" Elsa pressed.
With a shiver, Hans realized it had probably been the way she'd treated him as of late. Like she hadn't burst into his privacy and had the gull to put some of hers out there for him to peek at it.
'I just wanted you to talk to me like you did before'
He held her gaze, feigning calm.
'But I'll sooner burst than admit that to you'
"Are you sure it was what I said to the guard that bothered you?" he quickly deflected "Or was it the comment about getting under your skirts?"
He had the satisfaction of seeing her blush a furious crimson at this question, despite the fact that the room suddenly felt like the inside of a glacier. But when she got to her feet and walked to the door, he regretted saying it. What if her patience wore thin and she sent him away?
Why hadn't she already, though?
"What was all that about anyway?" he demanded as she reached for the doorknob "What are you people planning to do with me?" She paused, and seemed to consider whether to reply or not.
"I have no idea" she admitted, not looking at him "Kristoff and I thought we had figured something out, but…" she looked at him coldly "I guess Anna is right. People don't really change"
And she left, leaving him too puzzled to even ask what she meant.
CC (a) the Author here.
Wow, this one was quite quick to write.
...it's really weird to write Anna being mad, but really, she has a point. As for the language thing, I have this headcanon that she's can't help but repeat whatever kind of expressions she hears around town because she's not used to them. Let's just assume she had a walk on the docks or something...OKNO
Also, douchey!Hans is incredibly fun to write, despite the fact that he's making himself look bad in front of the lady.
Comments and critiques are welcome!