Matchmaker, Part Two.

A few days after the window incident, Hange finds herself needing a favor from our favorite Captain. Turns out, he's totally fine with it. Erwin, on the other hand . . .

Rated T for language and Levi's shitty ideas.

"No," Levi said when the door to his room opened and Hange came in.

"Levi," she started.

"You're not allowed in here anymore," he told her firmly, trying to push her out the door. "Stupid shitty-glasses. I'm not playing your matchmaking games today. It's my day off."

"I need a favor is all," she said. "Help me out and I promise I'll never bother you in your room again."

That sounded amazing. Levi loved being alone. He liked quiet. He liked clean. He liked calm. Hange was none of these things, yet she still somehow managed to spend more time in Levi's room than Levi did.

"What's the favor?" he asked cautiously.

"Nothing big," she said nonchalantly. "Just tell everyone we're sleeping together."

Levi blinked. Why on earth would he think it would be a normal request? Why did he think it would be something like lending her a book or trading a training shift?

"Why?" was all he could finally ask.

"Oh," she said, as though she'd conveniently forgot to mention it. "It's this new Scout member who just transferred over from the Garrison. He's totally and completely enamored with me. Normally I'd just beat the hell out of him but I got into a lot of trouble last time I did that. So I figured if word got around that I was involved with the Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest blah blah, he'd back off."

"Hange," Levi sighed, crossing his arms and leaning against the door jam. "You really seem to think people are far more scared or me than they actually are."

Hange raised an eyebrow and looked out the door. "You!" she said, pointing to Connie Springer, who was walking with Sasha Blouse.

"Yes, Squad Leader?" Connie asked, looking nervously at her, then at Levi.

"Captain Levi thinks you did a horrible job cleaning the upstairs men's lavatory!"

All the color drained from Connie's face. "He-he does?" He looked at Levi, swallowing. Levi didn't even blink, just watching.

"I suppose you could leave it the way it is," Hange remarked. "But you should know, its Captain Levi's favorite bathroom. It's the only place he feels comfortable when he's constipated. Sure, it looks clean, but it just doesn't feel as clean as it could be."

"I – I'll go do it over right away!" Connie exclaimed, looking horrified, and he gave a full salute to Levi, and Sasha followed suit.

"Hurry!" Hange exclaimed. "He ate a lot of red meat today!"

Connie and Sasha ran, tripping over each other to get upstairs.

Hange looked at Levi pointedly, and the man knew she was right.

"Besides," Hange continued. "You made it clear you have no interest in anyone here, and I certainly don't. So who cares if people think we're messing around?"

She had a point, Levi thought. And maybe this was a good idea. People were always knocking and bothering him on his days off. If people thought his door was closed for a reason, they'd leave him alone.

"Alright," he agreed.

"Really?! Woo-hoo! Thanks, Levi!" she laughed. "Hey, before I go, do you have that botanist book you said I could borrow?"

"On the night stand," Levi said, and Hange headed for his bed.

"Captain!" a newer recruit was suddenly at the door. "Sorry to bother you on your day off, but Erwin would like to speak to you. Something about extra paperwork. Then he wanted you to take over an extra training session. Also I think he said something about needing his office cleaned, but he may have been joking. Anyway, he wants to see you.

Dammit, Levi thought, annoyed. My first day off in weeks and I get bombarded with this shit?

Then he looked at Hange, who was sitting on the bed, leafing through the book.

Levi looked back at the recruit. "Go away," he said. "Can't you see Squad Leader Zoe and I are fucking?" He slammed the door in the recruits face. There was a moment of silence, and then footsteps down the hall.

Hange doubled over in laughter, holding her sides and rolling as tears streamed down her face. Even Levi had to give in to a little smirk; the look on the recruits face had been priceless. Hey, maybe fake-screwing Hange was going to work great after all.

He grabbed a book of his own and sat on the bed, too. Hange calmed down after a few long moments, wheezing for breath, her face red from laughter. Levi handed her a handkerchief and she dabbed at her eyes.

Eventually, the two settled in, Levi laying on one end of the bed reading, Hange laying on the other side, flipping through the book. Levi had to admit, this was a little fun, hanging out with Hange, the closest thing he had to a friend, and being close enough that they could just sit in the same room together, reading and not talking. It was a little comforting to know he wasn't totally alone, and that he had someone to consider a friend.

"I didn't know mistletoe was poisonous," Hange remarked.

"Hmph," Levi replied. "Did you know there are caves inside the sea?"

"Interesting."

This was the most of any conversation they really had, mostly sitting and reading in silence, occasionally making a remark on an interesting fact or having a quick conversation about something.

After a while, there were loud footsteps down the hall.

"Commander, I told you, he said he and Squad Leader Hange were, uh, preoccupied."

"I highly doubt that," came Erwin's voice. "Sounds like a cop out for Levi to not do his paperwork."

"Sir, I don't think we should bother them."

"They have responsibilities just like the rest of us." Erwin banged on Levi's door. "Levi! Open up!"

"Stand on the bed," Levi whispered quickly, kicking his boots off.

"What?" Hange whispered, frowning and doing the same.

"Hurry!"

"Levi!" Erwin knocked again.

Levi stood and started jumping up and down on the bed. Hange, catching on, started doing the same, making the old bed squeak and groan with each bounce on the ancient mattress. Soon the only sound was the rhythmic squeaking of the mattress.

On the other side of the door, Erwin rolled his eyes. "Seriously?" he called. "I know what you two are doing, and it's not funny."

"Faster!" Hange yelled loudly, jumping up and down harder. "Faster, Levi!"

"Oh, for the love of – come find me when you two grow up!" Erwin snapped, stomping off.

"Hey, Kiersten!" the recruit from earlier called, running down the hallway. "You'll never believe what Hange and the Captain are doing!"

Levi and Hange fell back into a sitting position, and Hange was in another fit of laughter. This time, Levi smiled too.

"I don't think we fooled Erwin," she laughed.

"Well, at any rate, that recruit will spread rumors," Levi replied, reaching for his book. "I'm sure your admirer will hear soon."

Hange grinned. "You're just glad everyone is leaving you alone," she said as she gathered her things to leave.

"Hey," Levi called, and Hange turned to look at him. Levi gave a nod. "Thanks for a good fuck."

Hange grinned. "Anytime!" she waved, and left.

Levi shook his head, amused, and returned to his book. He frowned, though, when there was a knock at his door. Did Hange forget something?

But when he opened the door, it was the Springer kid, holding a large jar.

"Sir!" Connie said, holding out the jar. "I brought you some prunes, sir!"

Levi sighed. Goddamn Hange.