Liking where this is going have some decent ideas but nothing really set in stone and no clue how this will end exactly kinda writing as i go in a way. open to idea and possible plot twist concepts if you want to share them.
Judes pov
I didn't know exactly where I was going or why exactly I was chasing after Conner like I was. I mean who shows up after being gone for so long and kisses you like that? really? And after thinking about it, it sounds just like Connor in a way.
Ding Ding
I reached in my pocket to check my phone, oh shit it was Taylor.
Taylor 3 Hey babe can i come over yet? im tired of waiting!
I completely forgot about Taylor through all of this. What was I supposed to do? Did i just cheat on her tonight?
My incredibly amazing, unbelievably supportive, and always endearing girlfriend who has never done me wrong in any kind of way.
I mean did I really cheat on her Connors the one who kissed me.
But i did kiss him back.
Me- Hey can you come over tomorrow and show me? Something came up suddenly that I have to deal with.
I wasn't technically lying to her, i've never lied to her. But i wasn't exactly letting her know what was really going on either and i didn't like that i have always to an extent told her everything when it came to my life.
Taylor 3 - Okay thats cool just let me know if there is anything i can do to help
Me - I'll call you tomorrow
I really need to figure out what's going on and to figure all that out means that i need to find Connor I didn't know exactly where I was going or where he was. But I had a pretty wild idea of where he could be.
I pulled up to the schools public parking side closest to the beach. When Connor and I were younger we spent a lot of time at this spot near the school on the beach. Over time it became a safe place to Connor and to me as well to an extent as well. Whenever he had gotten into a fight with his father or something was bothering him and he couldn't come to me first he came to this spot. It was weird thinking about walking to this spot right now it was our spot. I haven't been here to this spot exactly in almost a year it was bringing a lot of memories to the surface.
Which seems to be the theme of the night.
After taking a breath I got out of my car and headed that something told me I wasn't going to have to search anymore. I could just feel it in my chest. Connor was here I just knew it.
Walking across the lawn to the edge which led down to the beach I could hear the sound of a guitar playing in the air. Curious I continues forward cautiously quiet as a mouse till I saw him there.
Connor was sitting there atop the picnic table looking out to the ocean strumming a guitar. When did he start to play? He was really good!
But his playing was nothing compared to when he started singing I couldn't believe my ears.
I don't even know the real me anymore
I can't even show how I feel
I hit the floor
I'm talking rock bottom
My feelings I fought 'em
I can't believe it's come to this
Cause I need to a grip on reality
Yeah, Yeah
These lyrics, this way of singing was so deep it was like I was getting sucked into a trance.
Now I-uh-I-I-I wanna feel some, some sensitivity
I-uh-I-I-I I'm here, I'm telling you I
Cleared my life
I changed my head
Trying to catch my skin again
I'm finding out what makes me wanna live
By living it up again
It's my world
I paved my way
Found my sensitivity, yeah
I stepped back from the edge
Now I'm living it up again
Yeah
I've been doing fine in my misery
Not crazy
I told them not to worry about me
There was so much hurt and pain in his voice but at the same time reassurance. His words were uplifting in a way like you could feel the multitude of emotions in every syllable that sprung from his lips.
But every time I-uh-I-I-I wanna feel some sensitivity
I'm here, I'm telling you I
Cleared my life
I changed my head
Trying to catch my skin again
I'm finding out what makes me wanna live
By living it up again
It's my world
I paved my way
Found my sensitivity
I stepped back from the edge
Now I'm living it up again
Living it up again
Living it up again
Living it up now I'm not crazy I'm just sensitive
I stepped back from the edge
I cleared my life
I changed my head
Trying to catch my skin again
I'm finding out what makes me wanna live
By living it up again
It's my world
I paved my way
Found my sensitivity
I stepped back from the edge
Now I'm living it up again
Living it up again
I'm living it up again
Living it up now I'm not crazy I'm just sensitive
Living it up again
I'm living it up again
Living it up now I'm not crazy I'm just sensitive
He ended his song with a heavy sigh and breath to breathe. I couldn't help myself it was so amazing that I started walking forward again closer an started clapping.
"Wow Connor that was amazing! You are so good where did you learn how to play like that?," I asked kinda laughing at the way my clapping and voice startled him the way it did I swear the big guy would have jumped 7 ft in the air if he could.
"How did you know I was here? And you weren't supposed to hear that," he spoke coldly refusing to make eye contact with me.
"You always used to come here when we were younger, it's kind of your go to spot when something wrong with you and you need to think," I replied calmly as i set down next to him.
"i'm surprised you remembered it was so long ago," he replied still refusing to meet my gaze.
"It wasn't that long ago, and plus I could never forget anything that involved apart of you in my life, you were my bestfriend," I spoke and with these words he finally looked over at me and our eyes met.
Has his eyes always been like this?
How do i describe it? There consuming, the moment I look into them its like I fall in. Its like I fall into Connor and i'm instantly his to command. I guess in a way you can say its always been this way. Connors always been able to just give me one look and I was his anything he wanted he got at least when it came to my anyways.
"Nevada, I learned how to play in Nevada," Connor spoke after a couple of minutes of intense and probably highly inappropriate staring at eachother.
"ah Nevada so thats where you've been hiding all this time," I laughed in a way i just wanted to ease the tension. To just talk to him normally if that could even be possible at this point.
"Yeah," his reply was sad and he started to look down again I needed to do something i don't know if i can take another couple of minutes of silence.
"What happened Connor, I mean why'd you leave? Why have I not hear from you in two years," I asked, Deciding to get straight to the point, I know im kinda ignoring the whole kiss thing at the moment but at the same time this was something i needed to know now that hes here. This is the question I have been asking myself for the last two years, the question I could never get a solid answer to.
"Its been Two years and five months," not the start of an answer I was looking for.
"Okay why have I not heard from you in Two years and five months? Come on Conner you owe me at least that much," I was almost pleading at this point. After a few moments he looked from the ocean back to me and I could see the pain and guilt in his eyes.
"It was my father, that night in the hospital apparently I was talking in my sleep. I talked about you Jude," He looked at me with longing eyes analyzing my every facial reaction.
"Aparently whatever i said was enough for my father along with the situation at hand to say he had enough," he took a breath to reconstruct his words carefully in his head.
"He took an opportunity that had been previously offered him to make partner and head there newest firm that was located in Nevada, he packed up everything and we moved I was still recovering, didn't have a say or could do anything it was one of the worst days of my life," As Connor stared into my eyes i could his mind racing in his as if every flash of a memory darkened his brown eyes even more.
"I kinda knew all that well not exactly all of that, but this doesn't still explained why you haven't spoken a word to me this whole time," I cut him off before he could continue but I couldn't help myself the more he spoke the more i was on the edge of my seat needing to hear more, needing to know exactly why their friendship their past was ripped apart.
"For the first 6 months while i was recovering, my dad was persistent to remove you from my life completely I had no access to anything. No phone, No facebook, and No real way to have contact with the outside world other than school. In those 6 months finding out I was most likely not going to be able to play baseball again like I did, I had lost you, lost my passion, and I lost myself for a long time. Music in a since saved me and i just fell into it after becoming friends with a girl at school who played in the quad everyday after school. she taught me everything i know," As Connors story progressed it was nice to see the difference in his eyes as a nice memory was brought to the surface. For a second he smiled. God i didn't realize how much i've missed his smile.
"After a while he started to be more lenient but at that point almost a year had gone by and i was scared. I had a phone again, I had internet again, and I had the means of finding you again if i looked hard enough. But i was scared so much time had already passed by then and I knew if my father had found out that I was trying to get in contact with you again I would have had hell to pay," Connors eyes were filled with so much guilt in sadness it was as if i was absorbing it as well. I could feel the tears starting to form at the edges of my eyes.
" I understand that to an extent I remember how your father was," I couldn't really be mad at him I quit being mad at him a long time ago especially with being able to see how bad he felt first hand. Being able to feel how bad he felt first hand.
"So why are you back now? Did your dad have a change of heart or something?,"
"Not exactly, you remember that time I had a black eye and you told your moms?,"
"Yeah,"
"Well I didn't really run into a door, he hit me and over the years as his drinking got worse so did the beatings, he was drunk one night and went through my room while I was out. He found a Journal I had kept for a while since i left Anchor Beach. It had contained song i had written and notes about certain things i was feeling. He didn't like what he found," Connor stopped for a moment to take a breath i could see him replaying violent scenes in his head. Out of some kind of instinct I moved closer to comfort him.
I could almost feel a spark from the contact as I put my hand on his back.
"I'm so sorry Connor, I assumed when we were kids but I never really knew," As i tried to comfort I could see signs that I was helping as he sent me a half watt smile to show me his strength.
"Well this time I had enough and I made a plan, I had just found out that my Aunt Kathy had just moved back to Anchor Beach. I took pictures of all my injuries and got in contact with my Aunt. After making the proper arrangements I told my father I was done with his abuse, that I was going to move back to Anchor Beach with my Aunt and he was going to let me willingly or I was going to inform the proper authorities either way he didn't really have a choice," Connor spoke bravely so resolute in his decision.
"Wow Connor that had to have taken a lot of courage Im Proud of you," I didnt lie and i wasn't just feeling sorry for him. From when we were kids I always knew he had a rough relationship with his father and disobeying him or going against him was always hard. Every bit of anger i've ever felt towards him vanished as if it was never there to begin with. It was just Connor and I again like we were back in 7th grade, like he never left in the first place.
After a moment of silence and just being there next to each other shoulder Connor was the first one to break the silence.
"Enough about me, I want to know everything about your life since I left. You're definitely not the scrawny little kid I used to know anymore. Where did these muscles come from?!," Connor responded with a laugh as he felt up my bicep. His laugh was contagious and i couldn't help but start cracking up as well.
"Alot actually, alot has changed with me just like with you as well I guess, I was a complete and utter wreck like really it was bad. I went through that whole mute things again for about a month and a half I was in complete shock after you had disappeared," I spoke in a way as if it wasn't as much a painful memory as much as it was a fact, this happened.
"Jude i'm so sorry," Connor began but i cut him off.
"No its okay water under the bridge, I came out of it after a while spent hours at this spot actually. wondering where you went, what you were doing. You were my best friend Connor one of the most important parts of my life. I eventually came to the conclusion that if you weren't going to be apart of my life anymore I was going to make you a part of my life. I took a complete 180 in how i was going to approach my life. I eventually pleaded to my moms to put me into every upcoming baseball camp that next summer since i knew it was your favorite sport. I know its weird thinking back at it but in a since I always thought we were better together so becoming more of how I remember'd you helped me a lot," I was almost sure i was going to freak him out about the whole me becoming your doppelganger things but he just laughed.
"I see you adopted my old wardrobe as well," Connors laugh pulling at my blue plaid button down.
"Hey no one said you owned plaid," I said in defense laughing with him as i pushed him a little with my shoulder.
"thats really sweet Jude, you don't know how much that means to me. Funny you ended up the jock and I ended up the artsy type," he gave me a quick smirk.
"You still look like a jock jesus you're built like a brick house,"
"You got me there I couldn't play baseball so i switched to football,"
"Oh yeah football? figures,"
"Yep! You're looking at Anchor Beaches next starting running back," It was like the old Connor was in front of me sitting here posing for his invisible adoring fans.
"So what else is new," Connor poked me trying to get as much information out of me as possible.
"Not to much more really, Looking at starting for the baseball team this upcoming year, I've become relatively popular, and i've been dating Taylor for the last year," I let that last part slip in hopefully nonchalantly. I saw Connors eyes widen as I finished the last sentence.
"Your dating Taylor? As in Taylor whose Dad shot me in the shoulder Taylor?," His words sounded like they had a hint of disappointment in them.
"Yeah actually, does that upset you?," I didn't want to upset him but I didn't want to keep this from him especially after what happened earlier on the front porch.
"No it doesn't upset me, I just thought," he cut himself off and readjusted his train of thought.
"How did it start, I thought you only started seeing Taylor cause of Daria and I," He fixed his composure quick.
"Yeah I guess thats how it started when we were kids, but after the accident and you leaving Daria kinda went crazy and it was just me and Taylor for a while. I guess she felt responsible for me for a while and we became best friends, Over the years one thing led to another and after so much time of caring and supporting each other we easily transitioned from friends to being in a relationship," I felt like I was making an excuse for my relationship with Taylor to him and that didn't feel right, but at the same time I was doing it.
"Are you happy?," Connor asked subtly but I felt like this simple question had so many underlying meanings that hit straight to my gut. For a minute I had no clue how to answer this question even though I already knew the answer.
"Yeah im happy, everything in my life seems to be going exactly where its supposed to. So what about that girl from Nevada that got you into music? Anything there with you both? Was she sad when you came back?," I instantly felt the need to bombard him question to change the subject as quick as possible.
"No we were never serious like that, we were just close in a different kind of way. She helped me through alot. Yeah she was sad when I told her I was leaving but she understood my hearts always been back here in Anchor Beach," Connor spoke softly sending me little glances here and there. I didn't know exactly what he meant by his heart was here but i felt like if i pressed it, the answer would only make things even more confusing.
"So now that we got all the way I think we should discuss what happened back at the house," I've avoided the topic for long enough.
"I have no clue what your refering to," Connor responded with a sly "what ever could you be possibly speaking of look".
"I'm talking about the whole no hey, hi, how are you doing. Nope just a big ol smooch on the lips," I was going to get straight to the point.
"I guess I've always ended up kissing you when I didn't know exactly what to say," Connor had relaxed alot at this point falling back into old behavioral habits sending me those big puppy dog eyes when he knows he might have done something wrong.
" And I guess i've alway made a habit of kissing you back," The words kind of just came out before I could really process saying it. I didn't necessarily regret it though.
It was at this moment that he was staring again I knew it, but I looked up at him anyway and fell into the trance his eyes always seemed to put me in. It was like looking into a mirror. He would move forward I would move the same distance. He would bite his bottom lip and i couldn't help but follow suit. It wasn't long before there was little to distance between his lips and mine.
Taylor
"Connor I can't do this right now," I spoke softly backing away.
I hadn't felt like this towards anyone besides Taylor since I was a kid, since Connor was here before he left. It hurts to think about but Taylor has never made my heart start racing like it was now or put me under a spell the moment I looked into her eyes. Everything about my relationship with Taylor was comfortable, easy, it just felt right. Connor on the other hand in the hour or so i've seen him has changed my whole perspective on what feeling right is right now.
"Im sorry Jude," his voice was sad, damn i hated when his voice was like that.
"Dont be sorry, Are you gay?," I asked questioningly, I know we had started something when we were kids but I never really thought of him or myself as gay. We just had a really deep emotional connection with each other that neither of us were fully equipped to handle or understand at 13.
"Im not sure exactly I guess you could say i'm bi, but that doesn't really sound right either i've never actually sat down and identified my sexuality, not big on labels," he gave me a wink with that one knowing that was a line i gave him when I was younger when this conversation was flipped.
"All I know is that since I was 13 years old you have been the only person on my mind, the only person who has truly made me feel something for another person," This was a lot to take in.
Did i like what I was hearing? Apart of me says I did because I could feel this bubbling in my gut and the warmth of my blushing cheeks.
"I'm with Taylor right now Connor and tonight was a lot for us both to take in I think, plus I should probably get back before my mom's start freaking out I kind of took off," I started planning an escape route but I wasn't lying I had been gone for a while.
"Okay I should probably head back too," Connor looked like a baby who had just gotten scolded. I didn't like it.
I didn't want him to feel like all that he's done has been for nothing, but I still don't know how i feel about this whole situation or even really understand exactly what was going on. So I moved on pure instinct again, I pulled the taller boy up with me into my arms.
"I'm really glad you're home Connor, I'm so happy my best friends back," I spoke softly this hug lasted probably longer than should have but it was okay just standing there wrapped in eachothers arms. This was the good bye hug we never got to have, and the welcome home hug that took way too long to get here.
We exchanged our new numbers and I made a promise that I would text him tomorrow. Now it was time to go home and deal with moms while trying to process everything that just happened.
Sorry if there is a lot of dialogue but felt like it was necessary for them to tell them basically what's been going on in eachothers lives at this point. Tell me what you think good or bad i want to hear it. Reviews keep me I do not own this song. it is called Sensitivity by Alex Goot check it out on Youtube