Final Chapter: To sum up, Hikigaya Hachiman is a bit off.

"Besides, what would you know about loners Hachiman! If I heard correctly, you were popular enough to get two confessions in high school!"

"No... that was just them confusing guilt for love. Even if I had said yes, they would have realized their feelings weren't love sooner or later. So that's why I'm still a true loner, since I still have no friends and no love life."

*Sob*. Wait, why was I telling Zaimokuza this? I clutched my head with my hands again. It seems this high school reunion was becoming an endless source of unpleasant memories.

"Humu humu. I see. But wait. If that is the case, what is with that ring on your finger Hachiman?"

"Hm? Ah this? It's a fake."

"Ha-Hachiman... are you so lonely you are going around wearing a wedding ring even though you are not married? That's just too sad..."

"Huh? No! I AM married. It's just the marriage is a fake."

Ugh, that gave me the shivers. To think that Zaimokuza was pitying me. Even if it was for only a moment, that notion was unbearable.

"Fake marriage you say? What is that?"

"Zaimokuza, for someone who is trying to become a writer, you sure don't read a lot huh? A fake marriage is actually a very common thing. Basically two people who don't really love each other get married for other reasons, such as appeasing their families or looking good in society. Like a gay man and a lesbian woman get married so they can appear heterosexual in a society that discriminates against homosexuals."

"Umu... I understand now Hachiman. So you really were after Sir Totsuka after all."

"WHAT?! No!" At least... I don't think I am... not anymore... maybe... Could it be that I was subconsciously rejecting those girls because of my overwhelming love for the angelic Totsuka? No no, that can't be it. Besides, I haven't even seen Totsuka since we graduated from Sobu High.

Since he decided to play tennis as a career, he had to practice a lot. Meanwhile, the me who had his dreams of being a house-husband shattered had to desperately struggle to find a job as well. Thus we no longer had any time to meet up and we slowly drifted apart. I wonder how he was doing now... my auditory hallucinations were suddenly replaced by a pleasant voice calling my name...

"Hachiman. Hachiman. Hachiman!"

"Hey! Are you listening?"

Gah! At some point the voice was replaced by Zaimokuza's. My memories have been tainted damn it! I stared at Zaimokuza with resentful eyes, wondering if it was possible to sue him for the damage he caused to my mind. But as usual, Zaimokuza couldn't read the mood. Instead he seemed happy that I was finally looking at his face.

"Hachiman! I take it that this means you are married to a real girl then? Is that not an enviable situation Hachiman? It sounds like a great setting for love is it not? Since you are living together, even if your marriage is fake, true love could slowly grow could it not? Not to mention, you could accidentally walk in on her during a bath! Guhehe..."

Towards the end there Zaimokuza seemed to have forgotten about his goal to develop true love and headed off to the path of the lucky pervert instead... In any case, I had to correct him.

"It only seems that way to outsiders. It's like having a little sister. Those without little sisters may feel that a little sister makes for a perfect bride, but those that do can only see their little sisters as a nuisance. Even if you see your little sister naked, you feel nothing."

"Oya? Are you saying you have seen your wife naked and not felt anything? I can somewhat understand your argument for little sisters, but a fake wife should be like a stranger no? Isn't it weirder to not feel anything?"

Hm? Now that he mentioned it, that did sound weird. But I truly could not feel any love in my interactions with my fake wife. After all, she would remind me everyday that this was just practice. And if I felt dissatisfied or rejected her in any way, she would cry and demand I take responsibility since I was the one who messed up her life during her first year of high school. In the end I just went along with everything she asked.

In fact, she was the one who suggested the fake marriage to begin with. At that time I still had an infinitesimally tiny amount of hope that I might one day find genuine love, so I actually was leaning towards no. However, she rejected my rejection and pretty much forced my eyes open to accept the reality that romance would never happen in my life. Thus there was no way that any love could be found in this marriage.

But how would I explain this to Zaimokuza? ... Ah. I see the problem.

"Ah sorry. Zaimokuza, I misspoke. What I meant was that you cannot feel love for your fake wife. But yes, you can feel lust for her. "

Yes, my fake wife was unbelievably cute after all. Too bad she was also incredibly sly and had no love for me. Just when I was thinking that, my phone started to ring. Zaimokuza nodded to indicate that he didn't mind the interruption in our conversation, so I answered it.

"Senpaiiii! Actually..."

Speak of the devil... she called me as soon as I thought about her. Was this some kind of fate? Could my fake wife actually be falling in love with me like Zaimokuza suggested?

As if. The fact that she was still calling me "senpai" was proof enough that love had no place in our marriage. I'm not sure she even remembers what my name is. Then again, my own family hasn't called me by my name in a long time either. Perhaps the only one left in the world who knows my name is Zaimokuza? That was a scary thought. Oops, I forgot the call was still ongoing.

"... so that's why today is no goooood."

"Ah, I got it. Don't worry, I'll take care of it."

Hmm... did the fact that I understood what she was trying to say just by listening to the last line suggest that our love was actually true? Or did it suggest that I was a perfectly whipped fake husband?

"Sorry Zaimokuza, I gotta leave early today. We can continue this another time."

"Umu. Don't worry Hachiman, this Zaimokuza is very understanding. Rather, what's the matter Hachiman? Do you require my assistance again? Hmph, I, who extend a helping hand to the weak, am super cool."

Ohhh... that was nostalgic. But it wasn't an important issue this time.

"I just have to go pick up my kid from the day care."

"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!" Zaimokuza did an exaggerated spit-take. You weren't even drinking anything Zaimokuza, that's just disgusting.

"You... you... have a kid?!"

Why was he so surprised?

"What of it Zaimokuza?"

"Does... doesn't that mean you have... performed the act with your wife?!"

Ah. Zaimokuza misunderstood again. Certainly that did happen, but that was just because she was worried that she wouldn't be good at it when she did it with Hayama. It was the same about the kid too, she just wanted to train to be a good mother. After all, her main rival Miura was overflowing with motherly qualities, while my fake wife had none whatsoever. Thus none of those actions had any love, they were purely calculated to give her the best shot at winning over Hayama when he eventually divorced Miura. Source = my fake wife, so it couldn't be wrong.

But explaining this to Zaimokuza would be a pain. As I scratched my head wondering how to explain it, he spoke first.

"Umu. I see now Hachiman. I used to think that the old me was a bit off in the head, but I see that you are far worse! To not realize how much your wife loves you even though you have already made a kid..."

What?! Did he just say I was more mentally screwed up than his old chuunibyou self? That is ridiculous! As if there could be anything more screwed up than Zaimokuza! Why was I even bothering to explain anything to him?

No. Wait. Calm down. It would be insanely petty to get angry at Zaimokuza. He has always been a bit off and unable to read the mood, so it is not his fault when he makes ridiculously insulting statements. That is why I should calmly handle him. Calmly ignore his existence and just walk out the door.

I never met Zaimokuza Yoshiteru today. The meeting with WW was probably tomorrow due to a communication mix-up, and this was just a bad joke. Leaving the room, I could hear an anguished shout behind me.

"Grrr... How can Hachiman have a lovey-dovey wife and kid!? RIAJUU SHOULD JUST EXPLODE!"