Forging A New Path
I don't own The X Files or its characters. The X Files is the property of Chris Carter, and is not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.
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Chapter 3 by AnarchyX-Phile
Three months. She kept track of every day on her calendar, like an AA member. Hello my name is Dana.. no, Katherine Newgate and I have been Mulder-free for 92 days. The 100 day mark would be here soon; neither she nor Maggie knew if it should be a day of celebration or mourning.
She'd mourned a lot during these long months. At first, she had busied herself with making their new apartment feel like a home, then she'd gotten a job at one of the city's finest hospitals. It was harder than she expected to shift her brain into being a doctor full time and not an FBI agent; she still found herself looking over her shoulder or clutching the gun hidden in her purse when she walked down an alleyway.
She liked the mental exercises her job required and she was usually so exhausted after a shift that she went straight to bed when she got home. On the days she didn't work, however, her mind revolved around the same questions: what was Mulder doing today? Did he miss her? It may sound bad, but she hoped he cried for her. She certainly cried for him. It seemed like every morning, she'd wake up with his name on her lips.
During that first month, she lost over 12lbs because she couldn't keep any food down. She would have lost more if her mother hadn't taken complete control of her meal planning and practically force fed her three meals and two snacks every day. They joined a gym a block from their apartment and worked out 3 nights a week; Scully even started taking a boxing class—which Maggie adamantly refused to watch and so she schedule a swim aerobics class for herself on those nights.
By the end of the second month, Scully was well on her way to reforming her own identify, picking up old hobbies that she had once been passionate about but had dropped because of Mulder and the X Files. She had found that she was most passionate about painting and her work littered the walls of the apartment...well, all except for a sketchbook she hid under her mattress that was full of sketches of Mulder. His face, his hands, his mouth, his black suit and her favorite red tie—last week she even sketched his dress shoes laying discarded next to her high heels.
She lost count of the number of times she picked up the phone and started dialing his number. The constant ache to hear his voice was much stronger than she had ever anticipated. Once she even got as far as letting it ring once before disconnecting the call. The small of her back burned for the touch of his hand and her fingers twitched uncontrollably whenever she remembered how his hair used to glide through her fingertips while checking him for a head wound.
In an act to better her relationship with her mother, she told Maggie about everything—except the sketchbook. If she was having a rough day, she no longer bottled it up within herself and hid it from the world. On the harder days, they cried together and ate ice cream and drank bottles and bottles of white wine. If nothing else, this change brought healing to her and Maggie's relationship.
Maggie used these moments together to give subtle pep-talks to boost Scully's self-esteem without being too overbearing. Yes, meeting Mulder may have changed her but the changes and developments were not all bad. She questioned her surroundings more now, her logical and scientific mind now processed information differently, she could look at an object and see it from a different prospective: the way Dana Scully saw it and the way Fox Mulder would see it.
She was a strong woman and—in hindsight—knowing and loving Fox Mulder had made her even stronger. Maybe not strong enough to return to DC, but strong enough to live the rest of her life with absolutely no regrets from their time together.
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Mulder landed in Indianapolis 12 hours after Smoking Man left his apartment. He knew it was silly to think it, but as soon as he stepped outside the airport and onto solid ground, he felt Scully in this city. Her voice in his head was louder here. He picked out a rental car and started driving around, trying to get a good feel for the city layout so he would know where to start looking. The streets were overly crowded this time day so he drove down several back streets until he ended up in a motel parking lot.
He booked a room and drug his suitcase into the cramped room. He needed to clean up and be presentable before he found Scully—she wouldn't want to see him like this, she didn't deserve that. He got his shaving kit out and began the slow process of shaving a 3 month old beard; when he was finished, he just stared at himself in the mirror for the longest time. He looked so young with a fresh face. In the mirror, he looked at the empty space beside him and imagined Scully standing there with him. She wouldn't be wearing shoes so she'd be looking up at him with a Mona Lisa smile on her lips, pleased with the appearance change but too shy to tell him so.
He knew one thing: after losing her for 3 months, he was never again going to be too scared or shy to tell her how beautiful and smart she is. She deserves compliments, hundreds of them every day—so many that she'd yell at him to stop being so nice and charming. He grinned at himself in the mirror thinking about how her face would go red from his praises and he prayed like hell that he would get to see that adorable blush again.
Freshly showered, he put on one of his better fitting suits and paired it with a tie she had given him two years ago for Christmas. He checked himself in the mirror and nodded his approval. He grabbed up the room key and hurried out the door only to have to turn around half a block later and rush back to the room to put on some deodorant he forgot. He couldn't remember ever being this nervous or excited before.
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It was nearing the end of the work day, so he quickly walked to the most respected hospital in the city and stood outside the staff entrance and waited to see a flash of red hair; God, he hoped she hadn't dyed it—what a shame that would be.
Finally, at 6:03, his heart started beating again after 3 tortuously long months.
She was beautiful, much more so than he remembered her being, more beautiful than any woman had a right to be. He let her walk half a block before he started following her, keeping his eyes glued to her bright hair as it glimmered in the sunlight. Had it always glimmered or was he just that much in love with her?
He got caught at a crosswalk and he bounced on his toes impatiently, trying to keep sight of her through the growing distance. He glanced at the crosswalk indicator and when he turned his attention back to Scully, she was nowhere to be found. He paniced and just ran across the busy intersection to try and catch up. He couldn't lose her now, not today. Please not again.
He ran to the last place he'd seen her and looked around for any fresh sign of her. There was a small fountain and sitting area about 100ft away and he started walking towards it. His body began to feel numb as he made his way to a section of benches. A street vender screamed loudly in his ear about fresh donuts and the man in front of him stopped walking, forcing Mulder to hurriedly dodge to the left so that he wouldn't hit him and knock him over.
When he turned his attention back to the sitting area, he felt his stomach fall to the sidewalk and he too immediately stopped walking. There she was, sitting on a bench by herself, staring out at the sunset reflecting off the splashing fountain water. He felt his heart begin pounding in his ears and his fingers tingled. His stomach felt heavy and it weighed his feet so much that he couldn't rush to her and take her into his arms as he had dreamed of doing. He opened his mouth but couldn't form the words.
He must have stood there for ten minutes debating the best way to go to her. Should he fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness? Grab her and wrap her in a tight hug? When she stood up and ran her fingers through her hair, he knew he needed to make his move now before he lost her again. He drug his feet forward and practically tripped his way over to her, his only saving grace was that she was facing away from him and didn't see his clumsy entrance.
He had thought about this moment for so long but the moment he stretched out his arms towards her, he realized that this was the very last thing she wanted. She had run away and had hid from him. But he couldn't stop himself, he needed her more than he needed to live. He didn't exist without her and he was so damn tired of pretending like he could.
She reached down to pick up her briefcase and when she turned away from the fountain, she took a quick step backwards and her face froze in panic when her eyes met Mulder's face. Her briefcase fell forgotten to the ground and her hand flew up to cover her mouth in shock.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her towards him, tightening and tightening their embrace as he tried to draw her into him. He buried his face into the side of her neck and breathed in deeply; as soon as her scent flooded through him and he felt her arms around his neck, he finally knew what having a home felt like.
He didn't realize he was crying until he tried to talk to her. "Missed you...so much... God, Dana. I love you, I'm sorry... I love you."
She couldn't pretend even for one moment that she didn't want him. She wanted him desperately—she always had. She closed her eyes and let her fingers wander through his hair. "Mulder," she cried and her body began shaking. She heard his whispered confession and the weight of it made her sob and her tears soaked into his dress shirt.
But he didn't love her, not the way she wanted him too. He wouldn't have ever turned away from her if he truly loved her. No, he loved her as though she was an extension of his family, she was a substitute for the sister he had lost. She would never be his lover, his wife. He had searched and found her because he'd never been able to find Samantha.
He grabbed the sides of her face and pulled back so he could look at her. She looked the same as she had the last time he'd seen her; she was dressed a little differently, had lost some weight but her blue eyes still sparkled bright enough to light a fire in his heart. He tugged her forward and kissed her cheek, then moved up her face to her forehead before dropping down to kiss the sides of her nose. "I've thought of you every second of every day since you left. Goddamnit, I missed you." He said, his lips stretched thin in a grimace as he relived some of the pain he'd been living with without her. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against her mouth in a desperate kiss.
She fleetingly told herself to pull away from him, he shouldn't be here, she shouldn't allow him to touch or hold her but he felt too good to step away from. She parted her lips and let his tongue sweep into her mouth and meet with her own tongue. His hold on her head tightened as he deepened the kiss, driving his tongue further into her mouth before pulling back to suck hard at her lips.
When they parted to catch their breath, He buried his face into her neck and continued kissing her there and whispering into her ear. "You're the most important thing in my life—don't you know that?" He asked, gritting his teeth as he spoke as all his emotion bubbled to the surface.
He brought his head up and looked around them, a few people were openly staring at them and passerbys were doing their best of looking disinterested but failing miserably. He wrapped his arm around her waist, "here, come with me?" He asked as he reached down and grabbed her briefcase with his free hand and then motioned towards the nearby street where his rental car was parked.
He didn't ever want to let go of her so he walked her to the passenger side and opened the door for her and held her hand tightly as she climbed in and took her briefcase from him. He hurried around the car and jumped into the drivers seat. But instead of cranking the car, he turned to face her and cupped her cheek in his hand. "God, you're so beautiful," he sighed as he leaned in and began kissing her again.
His taste and smell invaded her senses and 6 years worth of memories crashed over her; as his tongue moved against hers, she felt the exhaustion of the last three months all pile onto her at once and she could barely breath from the weight of it. She started crying, silently at first but it quickly turned into a heartbreaking sob; it must have been contagious because Mulder cried and sobbed with her until they were both exhausted and red faced.
He finally cranked the car and defogged the windows. "Can we talk? I'm staying at a motel a couple miles from here."
She shook her head and her tears reappeared. "Mulder, I can't." She was no where near ready for this confrontation. There was still anger in her heart and nothing good can come from that.
"Please, Scully... Dana. I'll do anything, just talk to me."
She was silent for about half a minute but he didn't push her. She could take as long as she needed. "30 minutes, but then you go back home." He nodded his head in agreement even though he knew he was never going to leave her again. He navigated through traffic quickly but safely and within 5 minutes, they were sitting outside of a rundown motel. He should have booked someplace nicer but he'd only been concerned about finding her, not about what he was going to do after he found her.
"It's okay, Mulder," she said softly as she watched his face fall in disappointment while staring at the old building. He seemed angry with himself and it was such a small thing to be worried about. "Do you want to go in or talk out here?"
"Let's go in, it's clean." He promised, a frown still on his lips. It's not like he needed to impress her but, Jesus, he'd dreamed of this moment for months and he could have least made the setting comfortable and welcoming for her. He walked up to Room 4 and unlocked it, pushing the door open and motioning her through the door in front of him. She stepped into the room and sighed when she felt how cool the room was; she pressed her hands against her hot cheeks and then dried her face, glancing quickly at the open bathroom to see how badly her makeup had run.
"You can sit here," he offered as he drug a sitting chair from a corner and scooted it right next to the bed where he would be sitting. He grabbed a decorative pillow from the bed and put it behind her back so she would be more comfortable. She would have laughed at his attentiveness if it hadn't been crushing every piece of her already-shattered heart. He sat down on the bed and shifted until his legs were pressed against hers, as close as he could get without sitting in her lap. He grabbed her hands and cupped them in both of his hands, rubbing his thumb along her skin as if he needed the contact as a reminder that this was real. "How have you been? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Mulder. Have you been okay?"
"Yeah, yeah." He lied and squeezed her hands tightly. "Well... no. But that doesn't matter right now. I've missed you so much." He raised his hand and cupped her face, letting his fingers slide into her hair.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes; as always, the scene at the Lone Gunmen's played out before her eyes and helped solidify the walls around her. "What did you want to talk about?" She asked without opening her eyes. He didn't deserve to know how much this affected her.
He scrunched his eyebrows together and huffed. "Us, Scully. I think I know why you left but I want to discuss it. I never got to talk to you before you left."
She shook her head and bit down on her lip. "I don't want to talk about that, Mulder. It won't change anything so there's no point."
"Did you get my letter?" He asked. She nodded her head but still refused to open her eyes. "Did you read it?" She shook her head and her bottom lip began quivering. "I wish you had."
"I wanted to—so many nights, I wanted to open it and see your words. But I couldn't, Mulder. I just...can't." She carried it with her everywhere she went, but she had never opened it.
"I just want one chance, Dana." He said softly, non-threateningly.
She opened her eyes and there was such anger burning in her gaze that he sucked in a deep breath and squinted his eyes. "Just one chance? Six years worth of chances wasn't enough? You want more? I left because there was nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, to keep me in DC."
His heart shattered but he could deal with that pain later. "I'm there, our work is there, our life."
"Your life, your work. It was never mine and you know it. You never wanted to share any of it with me." He had always picked the cases, made all the travel arrangements without asking her about conflicting plans, and he kept pertinent information and witnesses to himself so that he always maintained the upper-hand while they investigated.
"That's not true! You're my partner, my best friend. There's no one else but you...there hasn't been in a very long time."
Her eyes narrowed in on him and she had to fight the desire to slap his face. No one else? Oh how she wished she had his selective memory. "Let me replay the scene for you then because I've certainly relived it enough to have it memorized. When I asked you to trust me—your partner of six years—with ample evidence to back me up, you refused and insulted me in front of our friends. You picked someone else and then belittled my reaction. That doesn't exactly support your statement that there's 'no one else,' does it?" She shoved his hands away from hers and then crossed her arms over her chest defensively.
"I know, I should have never said that. You deserved better and I swear it'll never happen again."
"You're right, it won't happen again... because I left!" She shook her head and tried to stand up but he stopped her. "Talking about it doesn't help, Mulder! That broke me. I lost sight of myself waiting for you to see me...and you were never going to see me, appreciate me, trust me." Love me. "I need more than you can give me, Mulder. A clean break was my only option." She sucked in a deep breath and this time she couldn't stop her lips from shaking. "I loved you and you were my best friend too, but it's over now. Let me go."
"I can't live without you. I can't. I'm sorry, I've never been so sorry in my entire life. This is never going to be over. I love you." She rolled her eyes and looked away from him, towards the door but he grabbed the sides of her face again and forced her to look at him. "I do love you, there's nothing left of me without you."
"You'll find yourself again, Mulder. You will find a purpose. It won't take long—it never does with you." Her words weren't hateful, just full of weariness. He was an obsessive man and once he found the next creature or person to obsess over, he would put her out of his mind and move on. She'd seen it happen a dozen times before. How many times had they gotten close to admitting their feelings and moving forward before a UFO crash site sent them backwards and kept them at a professional arms-length?
She glanced down at her watch and straightened her back. She didn't have anywhere she needed to be but there was no healing being done and she just wanted to go home and sleep. "I have to go."
This time when she stood up, he didn't try and stop her but he was gnawing hard on his lip and she knew she wouldn't have the last word in this argument. She opened her mouth to say goodbye but the word got lodged in her throat, she closed her eyes and tried to find the strength to stand up straight and walk out of this room with her head held up.
He ditched you. He didn't care about you then and the only reason he's here now is because you left and embarrassed him. He was obsessed with finding you because it was a solvable mystery, but nothing has really changed. He is the same, self-absorbed man you've been in love with for years—he has never loved you and will never understand you. Leave now. Before you lose yourself again.
With her resolve back in place, her back straightened and she marched towards the door. He didn't deserve a goodbye. She had given him everything she had for six years—and now he was asking for even more. Yet another chance. He'd bled her dry until there was nothing left for him to take, and then he had pushed her aside. For someone he thought was better. Well fuck that. She deserved better and she understood that now.
She wrenched open the door and as soon as she saw his rental car, she realized she had no way of leaving expect by foot. Since this was in a run down part of town, she'd have to walk a couple of blocks before she got to a street taxis worked. She went to take the first step out of the room when she felt his hand come down hard on her shoulder. He pulled her back into the room, spinning her around until the door was closed again and she was pressed up against it. He grabbed the back of her neck and forced her to tilt her head upwards. "I'm not letting you walk away, not this time."
He wished he could tell her more beautiful, romantic things but those didn't seem to be getting through to her; he had waited too late to say them and now she didn't care. Right now though, the anger flowing through him was more than he could process. Anger at himself for breaking her and betraying their relationship; anger at her for walking away before he had a chance to explain how sorry he was, before he could even try and repair the damage he caused; anger at Diana and Them for showing up and fucking with everything; he was even angry at the X Files and FBI for taking up so much of his time, time he should have spent worshiping the fucking ground this woman walked on.
Her eyes were wide and her lips slightly parted as she tried to bring her nerves under control; he'd never been psychical with her when he was angry and she wasn't sure how to deal with it. Her heart was pounding in fear and adrenalin and she didn't feel any pain at all when he shoved her back against the door. "Mulder..."
He crushed his mouth down onto hers and his tongue lashed past her lips and dueled mercilessly with her own. If she loved him before, surely she could love him again. He could make her love him, and even if she couldn't, if she would just agree to stand near him and give him a smile occasionally, then he could be happy the rest of his life. He wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her into his body. He moaned as her soft curves molded to his hard frame and tightened his embrace even more.
She was somewhat passive under his touch but there was a couple of times when he swore he felt her tongue swirl gently around his as he plundered her mouth. He broke away from her mouth and let her breath but he wasn't interested in air for himself. "With every fiber of my being, I love you, Dana Scully." He kissed her cheek hard to try and make her understand the depth of his feelings. "Even if you can't love me again, love me tonight."
He watched her eyes flutter open and she looked deeply into his warm brown eyes. They still gave her such comfort and tears began to gather in the corners of her eyes again. Why did this man have to mean so much to her?
"Hey, none of that." He whispered as he ran his thumb along the bottoms of her eyes to dry the tears before they could even fall. "Forget about everything. Nothing exists but you, me, and this room. Let me love you." He bent his head and gently kissed each of her eyes before resting his forehead on her forehead and studying her face while she contemplated if one night was still more than she wanted to give him.
She closed her eyes tightly, causing wrinkles to form on her face as her mind and heart battled against each other. In her months here, she was doing okay, not great but she had been coping and healing. She was surviving and she knew she could be happy again one day without Mulder. With enough time, people could adjust to anything.
She didn't want that darkness in her life anymore—it changed her too much. But one night wouldn't change a lot in the grand scheme of things. After waiting so long for him, didn't she deserve at least one night? She opened her eyes and hesitantly raised her hand upwards to rest it on the side of his face. This time when he lowered his mouth down to hers, she met him in the middle. The kiss was soft and slow, comforting and—he hoped—healing. Non-intrusive and yet she still made his knees weak as she began sucking on his lower lip.
She rocked up onto her tiptoes and angled her head to the side, letting just the tip of her tongue trace along his upper lip; when she was satisfied with her exploration of his lips, she coaxed his mouth open and furthered her exploration. He helped and aided her when she needed it but he let her have control and tried his best not to just start groping her like a teenager. She felt so good against him and each time her tongue touched his, a spark ignited in his belly and thickened his cock. He breathed her in and opened his eyes so he could watch her kiss him; at any other time, he would have said that kissing with his eyes open was completely off the table, but he never thought he'd see this woman again and he could hardly believe that she was was here, pressed against him, kissing him, loving him.
He worried that her feet may be getting tired since she was staying up on her tiptoes so he dropped his hand down from her neck and swung it beneath her ass to pick her up, letting her wrap her legs around him and settle her weight on his hips. He felt her other hand slowly rake through his hair and his eyes rolled closed. God, he had forgotten how amazing her nails felt on his scalp. He moaned softly as her fingertips ran the length of his head again and he turned around, hitting her hip on the entry table and knocking its contents and the room key onto the floor. He readjusted her weight and walked them into the room and towards the bed.
He stumbled again when his toe caught the chair he had put by the bed but he quickly stepped around it and laid her down in the middle of the mattress; she kept her arms around his neck so he positioned himself over her and they resumed kissing, more deeply and intimately now.
This was better than anything he'd ever imaged—and he dreamed of her all the time, especially after she left. She tasted exactly like he thought she would, like a vanilla latte and slightly fruity, probably a new salad dressing she'd eaten for lunch. He was so relieved that, after changing as much as she had since she left DC, she still smelled exactly like she always did; there was however a cleaner undertone mixed in with her scent and from the long hours she spent at the hospital.
He reached blindly for her hand and when he found it, he slid his fingers between her fingers and marveled at the size difference. Her hands were so small and elegant. He wondered how many lives they had saved, how many wounds they had healed. He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it reverently. How could he have ever picked another woman over her? How could he have ignored the pull of her heart for so many years? She deserved a man so much better than he was. He could be perfect for her tonight though, he could give that to her.
He slowly reinserted control over the kiss and she didn't seem to mind letting him take the lead. He pulled at her jacket until she raised her upper body off the bed so he could pull it off her, followed by her shirt and bra. Before the bra even had time to land on the floor, his hands molded themselves to her breasts; they were slightly bigger than he had always imagined they'd be, just the right size for his large hands. And like everything else, they were achingly perfect.
"Scully, you feel so good," he whispered into her mouth as he began stroking and pinching her nipples. She moaned and he grew even harder from the sound. Her hands began tugging at his jacket, trying to pull it off him while also not wanting to put enough space between them for the fabric to slide off. Her legs were moving restlessly beneath him, wrapping around his leg and pulling him closer and then edging between his legs so she could run her knee against his erection.
She finally got his jacket, tie, and shirt off and sank her nails into his back, bringing his body so close to hers that he could no longer keep his hands on her breasts. He kissed down her neck and bit playfully at her earlobe; he wished this joining could be more carefree, it would be fun to whisper hilariously bad pickup lines in her ear and feel her stomach vibrate with laughter. He wished like hell he could roll back the clock so they could just be Mulder and Scully forever.
He moved his hands down and pulled her legs loose from his waist and unbuttoned her pants and lowered them down one leg and then the other along with her underwear. He slowly looked from her face, down her arched neck, her heavy breasts which moved whenever she breathed, her slim stomach and adorable belly button and then a trimmed V of red hair. He lowered his head and took a nipple into his mouth and slid a hand downwards until her was cupping her between the legs. She was so warm and alive, wet and smooth.
He applied pressure to just his index finger and parted her folds, letting her thick arousal spread along his fingertip. Oh God, she was fucking hot and smelled so good. His nostrils flared with her scent and he gently began circling his finger around her clit, increasing his suction on her nipple until it neared pain.
Her back arched off the bed and her fingers returned to his hair; "Mmmmulder," she moaned when he finally let go of one breast only to move to the other. Her hips were rocking against his finger, increasing the tempo and the pressure.
"You can call me Fox," he said, and his low, calm voice completely shattered the mood; she went still beneath his touch. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared up at him as though he was a complete stranger. "I've wanted you to for a few years now, I just didn't know how to bring it up," he explained. She continued staring blankly at him, her mind struggling to process the offer with so much skin-to-skin contact. "Say something."
"I can't...can't do this." She closed her eyes and shook her head. If he had stayed Mulder, she could have convinced herself that this happened before Diana, before their relationship crashed. In the years to come, when she looked back on this night, she could have very easily altered her memory's timeline by a few months; the setting would have changed as well, to his apartment; and instead of whispering 'I'm sorry,' she would have pretended that he was whispering how much he loved and trusted her.
But now she wouldn't be able to pretend they were okay. If he was Fox, that meant that this was real. They were in Indianapolis, in a rundown motel, and her heart was still broken. She put her hands on his chest and tried to push him off but he didn't move.
"No no no no, you can do this!" He pleaded. "You don't have to call me Fox, you don't have to call me anything. I can even turn the lights off." He struggled to swallow and she could see that it was crushing him to offer her these things. "I can be anyone you want... a stranger or..." his eyes slammed shut and a bone-deep shudder ran through his body and threatened to make him throw up, "...or Ed Jerse, if that's what you wanted."
"Oh Mulder," she said, her voice full of emotion as she ran her fingers down his cheek, "I never wanted anyone but you. Not Ed and definitely not a stranger." She could have seen herself having sex with someone else and pretending it was Mulder, but never would she have slept with Mulder and pretended it wasn't him. The idea was preposterous even now.
He didn't know what to say but he knew he couldn't let her leave. This was his last chance; it was her last chance. "Your favorite fantasy, then. I can give you that." She squinted her eyes and he knew what she was going to say so he beat her to it. "You don't have to tell me what it is, just imagine the fantasy and tell me what to do. I don't have to know."
He must have gotten lucky because her face turned inquisitive as she seriously considered his offer. It was a good fantasy, she'd revised and replayed it for years. It was much too private to share with him now, but if he didn't know...
He reached over to the nightstand and pulled open the top drawer. "I uh... well I have a fantasy of my own I'd be playing out in my head." He said, thinking that it might make it easier for her to agree to this knowing his own imagination would be preoccupied. He brought out a velvet ring box and flipped it open. It was a bold move on his part, but he wanted to know the depth of love he had for her; he'd made plans for their future even though he'd never told her about them.
It wasn't a new ring, the silver had been dulled with scratches and years of constant wear, but the diamond was shining brightly and must have just been added to the setting recently. "It was my grandm... well, it doesn't matter. Would you wear it? It's part of my fantasy." There were no emotions behind his words other than sorrow and regret.
It was the only part of the fantasy he cared about. Sometimes they would be in the backseat of a car because they couldn't keep their hands off each other long enough to make it home, other times he would carry her up to his or her apartment and they'd spend hours learning each others bodies; sometimes they were on a plane headed to their honeymoon and they'd sneak off to the bathroom together. The only thing that mattered in his favorite fantasy was the ring—it was always shining brightly on her finger.
Her mouth gaped open and her brow arched higher than he'd ever seen it before. She was staring at the ring but her mind was a million miles away. "Mulder, I don't think I should wear..."
"It doesn't have to mean anything to you—it's just... a prop." He slowly reached for her left hand and when she didn't fight him, he lifted it off his chest and slipped the ring onto her finger. But instead of feeling any type of satisfaction or pleasure, seeing the ring on her finger now made him sick and he grew flaccid. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to shake the sickness from his mind. She would never be his—she didn't want his ring, she didn't even want him.
She saw the tears etch down his face and her own eyes watered in response; it would be so easy to forgive him and take him in her arms. She wanted more than anything to comfort him and be comforted in return. But while it felt easy tonight, it wouldn't be easy for her to justify her actions tomorrow, or the next day. "I can take it off," she offered sadly, not sure what he wanted her to do.
He shook his head but kept his eyes closed. "It's yours... it's been yours for years now. I know you don't want to hear that and I know you don't want it, but it's true." He slid off her and stretched out beside her on his side, their legs getting tangled in the process; his hand was pressed flat against her stomach and while his stare was fixated on her breasts, there was no desire in his eyes—just sorrow and self-hatred.
She hated that he was suffering because she knew it was worse than her own pain; on top of losing the person you loved most, he also had to deal with the fact that it was his fault. She wished like hell she could tell him that it wasn't his fault, that everything was going to be okay, and they'd always be together but it just wasn't true anymore. But she could give him a beautiful goodbye, she could give him that.
She took in a deep breath and placed her left hand over his hand on her stomach and gently ran her fingertips across his skin. "I'll always love what we were, Mulder. You know, before that day. You are a large part of my story and I would never erase you."
She pushed gently on his shoulder until he was lying flat on his back and she draped herself on top of him. Even though she couldn't comfort him with words, she could try and comfort him through their own, non-verbal language. Comfort was part of her fantasy anyways.
She rested her forehead on his for a moment, waiting until he opened his eyes and met her gaze. There was such love and devotion there that he had to shut his eyes again from the pain her beautiful emotions caused him. She kissed his cheek, the side of his nose and then focused on his mouth until he was more relaxed under her touch. Her attention was so singularly focused on her kiss, she didn't realize his hands had come up to rest motionless on her hips and that her own fingers were gripped tightly in his hair.
His body felt so hot against her bare skin, and she could feel his heart pumping wildly in his chest. He was alive, this was real. This was Mulder, this was the man she had loved for years, the man who had literally gone to the end of the earth to save her life; she had shared more with him than she would ever share with another person again. He was her greatest strength and her greatest weakness. He always would be.
She kissed down his neck and nibbled gently on his earlobe like she had imagined doing so many times through the years; when she had the tempting flesh between her teeth, she couldn't help but smile at the desire began flowing through her veins again. She whispered into his ear, "do you still want me, Mulder?"
How could she ask that? Of course he wanted her. He would want her until the day he died, probably after that as well. "I will always want you, Dana," he promised. His hands went to her back and his right hand dipped down to cover the small of her back and added pressure that pushed her hips down harder against his.
As soon as she felt his hand on the small of her back, her eyes rolled closed and a rush of warmth ran through her body and soaked her folds. He flexed his hips upwards and pressed himself against her, soaking the crotch of his pants with her arousal. She hummed happily and dropped her head lower to kiss down his chest.
She had felt him start losing his erection earlier so she slowly crawled backwards until she was between his legs and she gently ran her nails down his stomach until her fingers met his belt buckle. She toyed with the buckle for a few seconds, sneaking a quick glance up at him to watch his eyes grow heavy with desire.
With efficiency that frankly surprised and delighted him, she unfastened the belt and lowered his zipper. She ran a single fingernail down the length of his cock, still trapped underneath a layer of fabric, and he moaned loudly and bucked his hips upward to increase the pressure. She chuckled low in her throat and he moaned again, making her laugh harder. "So impatient," she smiled. She pressed a dozen kisses to his lower abdomen while her hands lowered his pants and boxers from his legs.
When his cock sprang free from his boxers, she cupped his balls with one hand and added just enough pressure so that his cock laid flat on his stomach; she nuzzled her nose against the head and shook her hair out from behind her ears so that it fell gently against his aching flesh. He squeezed his eyes shut and his head hit the pillow as yet another moan was ripped from his throat. He was rock hard already but he didn't want her to hurry, he wanted tonight to last for the next hundred years.
She pursed her lips and kissed just the tip of his cock, smiling smugly when it twitched from her brief touch. He was long and growing thicker with every passing second. He was panting wildly and couldn't keep his legs still as she planted kissing all down his length. "Fuuuck, Scully," he groaned through clenched teeth. When she reached the base of his cock, her tongue peeked out from her mouth and she licked a hot stripe all the way to his tip and then took him in her mouth. She used her teeth to catch softly against his flared head before swirling her tongue around the flesh and moving him deeper into her mouth.
She hummed deep in her throat as he filled her mouth. His taste and smell immediately overwhelmed her senses and she had to close to eyes so she could fully appreciate the experience. How many times had she dreamed of this? How many years had she spent wishing like crazy to get to this stage in their relationship—to move from being friends to lovers? And now they'd waited too long, but she could have it tonight. She pushed her head down and took as much as she could into her mouth before her eyes started watering.
He grunted and his thighs began shaking uncontrollably as he fought the urge to push deeper into her mouth. It had been such a long time since he'd felt a woman's mouth around him but he couldn't remember it ever feeling this good before. For six years, he'd had a front row view to her habit of licking her lips and his imagination had ran wild about making her lick more than just her lips. "Look at me," he panted desperately, wanting to see her crystal blue eyes.
It took her a few seconds to comply, she was too focused on her own thoughts that his words took longer to soak into her consciousness. Her eyes fluttered open and she had to make an effort to keep them from closing again. When her gaze met with his, she felt him swell and jerk in her mouth. He grabbed the sides of her face and pulled her up until she was on top of him again. His thumb ran along her swollen bottom lip and then kissed her, their tongues dancing erotically together.
Her fingers burrowed into his hair and pulled his head backwards hard enough for their lips to part. He frowned and immediately chased after her mouth with his. "God, you're so sexy," he finally groaned when he couldn't catch her in another kiss.
She nibbled thoughtfully on her bottom lip while she debated what her responses tonight should be. Should she stay silent and keep her reactions internal so she didn't give him a false sense of hope that this could continue past tonight? Or should she open herself completely and share everything with him like she had dreamed of doing for so long? She tightened her hold on his hair and then got close enough to take his bottom lip between her teeth and suck hard. When she let it go, her eyes narrowed on the swollen lip and her gaze turned dark. "Mmm, you taste good."
His eyes drooped closed and he ran his hands down her back possessively. "Yeah? You liked that?"
"I loved it," she growled. Her hand snaked back down to his cock and wrapped around its warmth. His hips bucked upwards further into her cupped hand and his hands clawed at her ass. He rolled them over and then pulled her until she was in the middle of the bed. The second her head hit the pillow, she grabbed at her hair and pulled it all to one side and then bent her knees and spread her legs. Oh God, this was really happening.
He settled his hips between her legs and kissed her while his hands found their way back to her breasts, tweaking and circling her nipples until she whimpered at their hardness. "Feels like you love this too," he said and the smile on his lips broke up their kiss. She moaned and scooted herself higher up on the bed so that, instead of his mouth being level with her lips, they were now level with her nipples. She arched her brow at him and waited for him to get back to work.
The smile he gave her did such wicked things to her heart and she nearly wept when he latched onto her breast and began sucking and nursing the over-sensitized flesh. Every stroke of his tongue sent an electric jolt traveling through her body and ended in her clit—there was an insanely good chance he was going to make her cum just by playing with her breasts.
Her hips were thrashing wildly against him and he had to lower all his weight down on top of her to settle her movements. "Save your strength, honey. You're going to need it." He bit down a bit too hard on her nipple and she hissed in a deep breath through her clenched teeth. She grabbed his face and pulled him up, kissing him hard and thrusting her tongue into his mouth brutally until her nipple stopped aching.
With great effort, she shoved him sideways and they rolled until she was on top again. He frowned but let her have control again; after all, this was for her more than it was supposed to be for him. Her body sensually wiggled down slightly and she positioned his cock to lay on his stomach again and then sat on it, letting her arousal soak his hot skin and they both moaned from the intensity of it. She rocked her hips forwards and back and within seconds they were drenched and half-mad with desire.
His hands smoothed up and down her back, his fingers rippled down her spine and then rose back up to dip between her shoulders blades; "God, Scully...I love your body...almost as much as I love your mind." He used his hold on her shoulder blades to pull her upper body lower so that he could kiss her, moving his hips in tandem with hers. When the kiss broke, he sucked in a deep breath, "but they've got nothing on how much I love your soul." He gave her one last quick kiss and then started shifting his body down the bed, between her parted legs, letting her slick pussy slide up his chest as he moved further and further down the mattress until his face was between her thighs. He wrapped his arms around her thighs and tugged her body downwards until she was nearly sitting on his face.
"Mulder... no," she said, panicking at the awkwardness of the position. It was entirely too intimate of a position. He ignored her protest and stuck his tongue out to lick a hot stripe along her folds, adding more pressure when he reached her clit. He sucked the sensitive nerve and then moved back down so he could slide his tongue into her tight body. She couldn't help but moan and instead of trying to get out of the position, she found herself grinding against his tongue; she arched her back and leaned forward so she could rest her upper body weight on the headboard. "Yesss, God Mulder, that feels sooooo good." He brought one hand forward and fingered her pussy for a few seconds before trailing it backwards and pressing it gently against her sphincter. She sucked in a deep breath and nearly came just from the surprise pleasure of that brief forbidden touch.
"You like that, baby?" He asked, his lips tickled her clit as he mouthed the words. It was harder to read her now that he couldn't see her face anymore and he didn't want to scare her away.
She hummed and started moving her hips faster, "...more...more..." she begged shamelessly, her head falling back limp on her neck as she stared up at the ceiling. He moaned loudly in response, completely turned on by every little move she made. He pressed his finger against her again and applied more and more pressure until he slid past the tight muscle; he stopped immediately upon entry, not wanting to push her any further than she was comfortable going. The movement of her hips loss their finesse and all she cared about was the orgasm that was building up within her. The rest of the world truly did fade away until it was only Mulder and her in the motel room.
If he died right now, he would have had the best life he could have ever possibly lived. Not only had he been able to spend the last 6 years of his life with the woman he loved, but he'd also felt her in the throes of passion, he'd tasted her love for him, and smelled the effect he had on her; physically and emotionally, he'd gotten closer to her than he had any other woman in his entire life. He closed his eyes and swallowed every detail of this scene, every emotion racing through him, so he could relive this over and over and over again. He hummed and sucked hard at her clit, nipping it softly with his teeth. Her thighs went rigid and her entire body froze as all her inner muscles began vibrating; about halfway through the orgasm, she was able to force herself to breath again and she moaned loudly. Her hips twitched as she finished riding out the final waves of her orgasm, most of her weight collapsing forward onto the headboard.
He pulled his head out from between her legs and got up onto his knees, directly behind her and rubbed her back while she gathered her strength again. His arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her backwards until her back was pressed against his chest and she was resting her weight on his thighs. Pushing the hair away from her neck, he kissed every inch of skin his lips could reach. "What happens in your fantasy? Tell me what to do."
Her muscles were still spasming every few seconds but the tremors were quickly fading. She licked her lips and sighed contentedly. "You come up behind me, a lot like this." She said, forcing her hand to come up and gently stroke the arm he had banded around her waist.
"Oh yeah? Are we lovers?" He asked lifting his hands to cup and squeeze her breasts with familiarity of a lifelong lover. "Or is this our first time?" His voice was soft and his hands moved from her breasts to her shoulder, hesitant now like he wasn't sure if he was crossing a line.
Her breathing was ragged and labored and she struggled to answer his questions. "Fr...First time..." she said, not recognizing the huskiness in her own voice. "But it...it doesn't feel like it."
"That's because we've wanted and loved each other for so long." He breathed into her ear and smiled when she shivered from the heat, "where are we? In our office?" Her eyes fluttered closed as his low, gravely voice washed over her. She nodded her head, completely incapable of speech at this point. He hummed in approval and kissed her ear, "close your eyes." She did as he said and his cock grew impossibly harder at how trusting and open she looked. Please let this night change her mind.
He picked her hands up and placed them on the headboard and then let his own hands fall to his sides. "You're at the filing cabinet, you didn't hear me come in. I walk up behind you and just stand there looking at you. You're always so beautiful, so much it makes my heart ache."
"Mulder..." She whispered pleadingly.
He swallowed hard and fought the desire to close his eyes, he wanted to see her. He needed to see her. Both of his arms wrapped around her quickly and pulled her tightly against him. "Scully," he panted and began biting uncontrollably at her earlobe while she undulated her hips against his erection. "I want you, Scully. More than I've ever wanted a woman before. I'll never want anyone else."
"Yesss," she hissed and lifted her arms upwards so she could run her fingers through his hair while he continued nibbling her neck and ear. She raised her weight off of him and got onto her knees, looking back at him with that beautiful brow arched. He grunted and grabbed his cock in his hand, stroking it as he lined himself up behind her. He pressed forward and nearly came the moment the head of his cock sank into her body. Holy fuck, she was so tight that he had to keep constant pressure or her body would have just pushed him back out. He moaned and panted her name, running his hands all over her back, his fingers swirling around her tattoo. "Please...more, please..." she panted and rocked backwards against him, taking nearly his full length inside her before moaning and rocking forward.
When she rocked backwards again, Mulder timed his first thrust perfectly and their hips crashed against each other and he buried himself inside her completely. She froze and moved a hand down to her stomach, pressing her hand against her belly as if she could feel him inside her. "You feel so good," she whispered, almost in awe, as if she didn't fully understand why he felt this perfect.
He couldn't help but bark out a loud laugh and lean down to kiss her back. "No, you feel fucking amazing." He licked all the way up her spine and then bit gently at her shoulder blade. He wanted to consume her, to mesh her body into his so they'd never be further apart than they were right now. "I love you—always remember that." He whispered before he pulled out and thrust back in. She grunted from the impact and moved her hips in time with his to increase the tempo until she was crashing hard into the headboard. She looked over her shoulder at him and saw the sweat dripping down his hair line, his bottom lip trapped mercilessly between his teeth, and he was focused solely on her ass; he squeezed her ass hard and then spanked her softly, his eyes flicking up to her face to gauge her reaction.
She sucked in a deep breath and grunted, pushing back harder on his next thrust. He said something but she didn't hear his words over the screeching box-spring and mattress. It sounded as though they were tearing the room apart and it made her damn glad she wasn't on the other side of the wall having to listen to someone else have sex. It's much better being the participant. How many nights had she and Mulder spent in hotel rooms surrounded by people in love...or people that just wanted a good, hard fuck? Well after 6 long years, she finally knew what it felt like.
He spanked her again, a bit harder this time and then wound his arm around her waist and slid his finger against her clit. She jerked under his touch, "Ohmygod, don't stop," she sobbed and her eyes rolling closed.
"Never..never gonna stop..." he grunted, his cock began swelling and he felt his balls draw up tight. He reached up and grabbed both of her breasts and used them as leverage to pull her into him, increasing the force of his thrusts and reaching deeper than before. He felt a shudder run through her body just before she sucked in a deep breath and her hips began moving wildly against him while she moaned breathy encouragements. He half-groaned,half-screamed and rammed into her brutally hard until her body clamped down on his cock and milked his swollen flesh. With a loud groan, his next thrust was so hard that her weak arms could no longer hold up her body weight and they fell flat on the bed with him on top of her. She felt his cock begin twitching as he came inside her, pumping more and more of himself into her until she thought she'd pass out.
He went still and settled more of his weight on top of her, kissing lazily at her neck. They were quiet for a long time, both unwilling to move and disturb this moment. "I love you more than anything, I want you to remember that after you leave."
"I know you do, Mulder. I'll remember." How could she ever forget? He flexed his hips and pushed his cock deep into her again. He was still rock hard and she turned to look at him over her shoulder, that eyebrow arched in both disbelief and approval.
"You're not too sore, are you?" he asked before pressing more soft kisses on her neck. She shook her head and tried to wiggle underneath his weight so that he wouldn't have to do all the work but he sat up and his cock slid out out of her. She frowned at the loss of his heat but he flipped her over and then laid back down on top her again. "Is this okay?" He asked, staring down intimately at her. She knew this was the absolute worst position if she hoped to try and stay emotionally uninvolved. How could she not fall in love with him all over again with him staring down at her, telling her how much he loved her, while he made love to her? She closed her eyes but nodded her head; he had given her her fantasy so it was only fair that he should play his out as well.
He gently laid his forehead against hers, staring intently at her face and wishing she'd open her eyes so they could truly connect with other another—he loved her so much that his heart physically hurt every time it beat. He brought his hips forward and his cock returned to her warm, tight body. They both moaned and he picked up a slow, sensual rhythm that allowed him to drop his head and kiss her deeply. She hooked one of her legs around his leg and tilted her hips upwards so that his cock was angled differently as he entered her. She scratched her nails lightly over his back, pulling him closer to her and deepening their thrusts.
She wanted to tell him she loved him, she wanted him to know that she loved him more than she'd ever love anyone again. She wanted to admit that he owned more of her heart than she did. But she couldn't tell him any of that because he'd never let her walk away. But maybe she didn't have to tell him, maybe she could show him.
When he landed his next thrust, she put her hands on his face and opened her eyes. Their gazes met and she let all her barriers fall away so that he could see the depth of her love. His brows furrowed slightly as he looked at her, trying to figure out if she truly meant the emotions shining from her eyes. She leaned up and kissed him, giving him a lifetime worth of passionate kisses to make up for being without him after tonight.
He struggled to keep his thrusts fluid and steady while focusing on her kisses. When she broke away to breathe for a few seconds, he dropped his head down next to her ear and quickened his strokes. "I love you too, Dana," he whispered. He snapped his hips forward and buried himself completely and then grinded against her, stimulating her clit. His words and the stimulation pushed her orgasm to the front of her mind. She screamed his name and pulled him into another kiss, moaning and humming into his mouth as he came inside her again.
He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her as tightly as he could. He wanted so much to ask her not to leave, to stay with him forever but he couldn't bear to hear her say no. "Don't leave yet, you can sleep here tonight." She didn't say anything but she also didn't move either so he took that as acceptance. "I'll get a towel and clean you up, can I get you anything else?"
She shook her head and he bent down to kiss the top of her head before rolling out of bed and going into the bathroom to wet a washcloth and grab a clean towel. He turned out all the lights and blindly felt his way back to the bed. She tried to take the washcloth from him but he swatted her hand away and began rubbing the washcloth first on her abdomen, then her inner thighs, and then finally between her legs. He tossed the washcloth away and then dried her before throwing the towel away too.
"Big spoon or little spoon?" She asked with a smile on her face as she looked up at him.
"As amusing as it would be for you to be the big spoon, I'll do it this time."
"Mulder," she said warningly.
"Sshhh, scoot close to me and go to sleep." He wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her into the curve of his body. After a few minutes of fighting sleep, he sighed and kissed the back of her head. "Thank you...for tonight." She didn't know what to say so she said nothing.
.
She waited until she heard his breathing deepen with an occasional snore before she eased herself out of bed and redressed. She couldn't turn on the overhead lights so she used what light was streaming in from outside to smooth the wrinkles from her clothes and fix her hair. She ran a single finger under her lip and cleaned away the smeared lipstick stains.
Taking a steadying breath, she turned to look at Mulder and then closed her eyes, burning the image of him into her mind to last her for the rest of her life; this image was a much better keepsake than the memory of him betraying her. She walked over and straightened up her side of the bed, retucking the sheets under the mattress, fluffing the pillow to erase the indention she'd left behind, and then pulling the comforter up until it looked like she'd never been in the bed at all.
Next, she picked up his discarded clothes off the floor and folded them, putting them into his suitcase with all his other clothes. On her way out the door, she bent down to grab the washcloth and towel he had brought her to clean up with and would toss them into the first housekeeping dirty hamper she could find. Right before the door shut, she turned back one last time to memorize the sleepy smile plastered on his face.
This was why she had never wanted to see him again. It would have been so much easier going through life hating him. How could she live life loving him again with no chance of seeing him again? But he needed this clean break, he needed her to erase herself from this hotel room. This was his only chance for a new life, a life without her. She would never forget, but maybe he could; now that he'd found her, seen her, and said what he needed to say, maybe he could find closure. Maybe.
She pivoted her foot and felt something under her shoe. She looked down to see the hotel room key laying where he'd dropped it earlier. She picked it up and it seemed oddly heavy, she looked at the room tag attached the key and ran her finger against the raised text. Room 4. Motorway Motel. She unclipped the room tag from the key and slid it into her pocket as a demented souvenir and then slid the key onto the entry table. "Goodbye, Mulder." She said quietly before letting the door lock closed behind her; she twisted the doorknob to check the lock and a tear ran down her cheek, she couldn't go back now even if she wanted to.
.
.
Easing silently through the front door, she was relieved to see that Maggie hadn't waited up on her and all the lights were out. She shrugged out of her coat, and dropped her keys on the side table before heading to her bedroom and undressing. She didn't bother putting on her pajamas, she just crawled into bed, wrapped the blanket tightly around her, and cried.
He didn't choose you, he never will, her head screamed but after months of staying silent, her heart finally had a reply: no, but he found you.