CHAPTER 3
It's quarter past eleven, I'm not in the mood to think
Mr. band leader, let's kick out the jam
You knew this was a bit ridiculous. The dress, the shoes, the complete make-up – you looked like a clown, ready for the show. Plus, you didn't even really know any of these people that would turn up and they didn't know you. They all were just going to talk to you because of your name. Not your first name, no first name was interesting enough for that. It was your family name that caught their attention. Carter, that is. And if it hadn't been Steve himself who invited you, you probably wouldn't even go.
This all had started three months ago. After that weird evening where James had come in with his two… friends, yeah, that's what you would call them. You hadn't seen him that much since then and when you did, he was almost always covered in bruises from head to toe. There weren't too many questions asked because you knew he didn't like that. You would just place a glass of coke in front of him with his usual menu, he'd smile at you with that damn stupid half-sided grin, and then just eat and drink in silence before leaving with a more than gracious tip. There's was pretty much no talking anymore, no more correcting of essays or anything. It was like that stupid comment his friend had dropped just – broke everything. It made you feel lost, it made you miss the times you would just throw stupid comments at each other during your shifts and you realised that he actually had made most of your shifts much more fun. He would hum along to the songs in the background, sometimes writing down some titles and artists in a small notebook. He had you so intrigued with his non-existent knowledge of popular movies (old and new) and you happily lectured him hours on end on your favourite ones.
Like Harry Potter. You probably spent an entire month telling him all about the storylines, the different characters, the canon pairings and possible pairings, the little details – you told him literally everything there was. He was even allowed to burrow your most favourite editions of the books, the well-loved and used versions you had owned since your 13th birthday. That was an honour not too many people in your life were granted and he had thanked you for it with actual notes of his thoughts. He actually wrote down his thoughts of every single chapter and as you read them at night, there was no way you couldn't smile at them. During the first chapters of the Philosopher's Stone, he wrote: Snape = suspicious. Probably up to something. Hermione is nerve-wracking, but will likely be useful to the boys in future. The pure thought of James staying up late, reading a children's book and watching the movies and being so irritably bitchy about their lack of content – that was enough to make your insides warm and fuzzy.
But all of this stopped, and you felt lonelier than before. You hadn't realised how much you relied on him as emotional relief until you no longer had him around. Sure, you still had your other friends who listened to everything, but you still found yourself missing his presence. He had managed to sneak into your heart without you realising it and now that he didn't show up anymore – the hole he left was gaping deeply. And as if it was a weird coincidence, another guy had stepped into your life right at that time. And by another guy, you were talking actual freaking Captain America. You had gotten an invitation to S.H.I.E.L.D. which already startled you as you had never actively contacted them. Sure, your family name was like a holy grail and they most definitely had data about anything you did – you had just never expected them to actually contact you. It had been three months before the anniversary of your grandmother's death and apparently, they had decided to celebrate it. Like, complete with speeches, music, and any other extravagancy they could come up with.
And they wanted you to join. You, as the granddaughter of the legendary Peggy Carter, should hold a speech at this ridiculous event in her honour. You were sure that this was the last thing she had in mind but well, if that meant to get them off your ass, you would do it. You had sent them back a letter in which you were stating you would do it but only under the condition of not being named anywhere. Not on any programme flyers, not on a poster, nowhere. That was the only condition for you and it was funny enough that that one thing made Steve Rogers appear on your doorstep.
It was a late Saturday night, you had been studying your ass off trying to understand this complete ass of a German news article and the whiskey bottle next to you was nearly half empty. Bourbon had been a favourite of yours since forever – Peggy had actually given you your first ever bottle of it when you turned 18 because that was the legal drinking age in England. No other reason needed. It probably also hadn't helped you that since you still visited your grandparents frequently when you were over 18 and had drunk together with them. It had made you a bit immune to its effects and made you a wonder at every single frat party you had attended. But tonight, you weren't drinking to feel good or goofy, you were drinking because you wanted to drown that stupid feeling of being lost. This feeling of not really having anyone who knew you. Your parents had died when you were 16 – officially it had been an accident, but you knew they had been working for S.H.I.E.L.D., so it had most likely been during a mission. And during all this mess, your doorbell rang. Quickly, you wiped your eyes and tried to make your hair look a bit less messy as you walked towards the door. You didn't even bother looking through the small spy even though you didn't expect anyone. It shocked you therefore when you opened the door and there was this stupidly hunky man standing there. His shoulders were broad enough to touch both sides of your door frame and his blue eyes felt like they were looking right into your soul. "Hello?" Your voice was a bit smaller than you wanted it to sound, you didn't want to seem intimidated by his height or anything. "Are you… Y/N Carter?" His voice was calm, a bit worried maybe. And his eyes held a spark of hope that was all too familiar. Your eyes squinted slightly as your head tilted to the side. "I know you. From pictures. I think we should talk about this inside." And with that, you ushered him inside, quickly glancing up and down the corridor to make sure nobody had seen literal Captain America waltzing over.
He had stayed nearly the whole night. When he left, there had been two more empty bottles of bourbon, a lot of tears shed, and a lot of tissues on your couch table. You two had spent the night talking about your grandmother, him sharing his memories of the younger her during the war and you telling stories about her as a mother and grandmother. It was nice to have someone who could relate to losing someone so close and loved – sure, your friends had lost their grandparents as well for the most part, but none of them had been as close as you and Peggy. Steve met you a few more times and after a while, you grew used to his visits. He reminded you of James in a way: He, too, didn't know too much about modern movies or music but that was due to him being frozen and you made it a mission to show him your favourite stuff. It also didn't take you too long to realise that he was dating your only cousin, Sharon. She was unlike you in the most parts, but you both were close nonetheless. And while you had preferred to stay in the shadows, she took part in S.H.I.E.L.D. and worked on the heritage of your grandmother. And bless her, she was good at that.
But tonight, you would have to step out of them. You felt utterly ridiculous and nowhere prepared to talk to all these agents. There was nothing you had in common with them, absolutely nothing. You were a languages and business student, they were field agents who fought one-on-one and some of them had only nearly escaped a certain death. Plus, the fucking Avengers were going to be there. Steve had told you that much about the preparations because apparently, even Captain America himself didn't know everything. As if the mere presence of Iron Man or the Hulk wasn't already intimidating enough! Your hands were sweaty, and you wiped them unconsciously on the side of your dress, making Sharon grab them in her own hands and squeezing them. "You're gonna be alright, Y/N. You have your notes on these cards, you just look at Steve and me the whole time and you're gonna be fine." A deep breath escaped your chest. "I seriously don't know what I'd do without you." She gave you a half-sided grin and patted your shoulder. "Well, you certainly wouldn't be here. Peggy would be proud of you." The last part was merely a whisper, but it echoed louder inside of your head than anything else.
The scent and the aroma refuse to breathe
It's more like a haze that's trying to succeed
It's drawing me in and pulling me to you
And every thought I have turns the language blue
His nose crinkled as he tried to get this stupid tie correct. This had been his forte back in the 40ies, but those times – well, they were long gone now. He hadn't been wearing a suit or a tie for decades and Bucky swore under his breath as he got it wrong for what felt like the 40th time. A quick glance to the watch on his bedside table showed him that he was already late. Annoyed and frustrated, he threw the stupid thing back onto his bed and fixed his hair one last time in the mirror before walking out. He had been excited for this evening because he had met Peggy during the War. She had been strong and beautiful, and it hadn't been hard to see how much her and Steve had loved each other. Bucky only wished that he spent more time with her back then and deeply regretted his typically-douchebag behaviour from these days. He hadn't thought much of women in the army, saw them as too fragile and emotional for the job. But Peggy – she had changed his mind. And every time he had met a female agent at the headquarters of S.H.I.E.L.D., they had reminded him of that strong woman. In a weird way, Y/N had reminded him of her as well. The way she held herself up, this natural confidence, even the twinkle in her eyes.
Y/N. Her name alone made him frown a bit. He had only been down to the diner a few times because he didn't really want her to see him like this. All the missions he went on now, they had left him in desperate need of patching-up and it was a true piece of work to hide all the bruises. Bucky wasn't going to let her see him all messed up. She already worried and if he turned up even more worn-down, she would ask too many questions he couldn't answer - and that was a risk Bucky was not ready to take yet. He liked her, there was no denying that! But he could still remember the person he had been before, he remembered the things he had done, and he was not going to let Y/N anywhere near the danger that came with him.
He took the stairs two steps at a time and had trouble to catch his breath at the top of them. With a quick look around, he managed to spot Steve standing a few meters away together with Sharon. They were giving the thumbs-up to someone up on the stage, but Bucky didn't give it too much of a thought as he walked towards his friends. "What took you so long, frosty?" The woman greeted him with a bright grin on her face. He gave a dirty look while his hands reached up to fix his hair one more time, but Sharon was quicker and stopped the movement. "You look fine, Buck. Even though a little haircut wouldn't be a wrong thing to do." Sharon stated while Steve nodded in consent. But he just shrugged his shoulders and fixed his eyes onto the stage where Director Fury was standing – Bucky had to take a double take because he had never seen the chief in a suit or anything like it, he almost looked unrecognizable. "Next up, we have a very special guest coming. Her family name has been engraved into the minds of all our agents, her very family is the foundation of our organization. Please, welcome the granddaughter of our founder, Peggy Carter – Y/N Carter!"
There was a big round of applause as a young woman walked up the stage, but all Bucky could think of was how funny it was you shared the same name as the granddaughter of Peggy. Before he could make out a face though, there was a loud thud. Within seconds, there was shattered glass, terrified screams, and the sound of guns being loaded. Bucky had instinctively thrown himself onto the ground, as well as Sharon and Steve. Sharing the same panicked and frantic look, they all whispered one thing: "Protect Y/N."