AN: I wasn't going to post this for a few more days, but after a very stressful 18 hours to where I am on the verge of tears I need some cheering up with everyone's wonderful reviews. Even now after my exam I am still stressed beyond thinking. Normally I am fine with exams with enough time to study but my professor decided not to post our review until yesterday afternoon knowing the exam was today. With a lack of sleep and lots of caffeine I am rather short with people today.
Sorry I generally do not post such personal ANs and this is NOT to derive reviews from readers.
Thank you Wendy for leaving a review, I'm sorry I caused you to cry. Maybe I should have put a tissue warning with the story.
If I acknowledge people in ANs it is because they left an unsigned review and it is the only way to let them know I appreciate their comment. If the review is signed then I send a personal thanks to the reviewer. Please, those who review that I do not mention feel left out or upset that I do not mention you.
Thanks for reading.
The store was quiet today. Another telegram had arrived from Rhett. He was in Augusta and would be arriving the next day on the early afternoon train.
Butterflies started to flutter rapidly in her stomach. Lightning would strike her dead if she lied about not being nervous about Rhett's arrival. Their relationship had changed drastically when he visited last. Many good and bad conversations took place in his visit. Some of the conversations healed, while others cut open new and hold wounds.
"Good Afternoon, Mrs. Meade. Is there anything I can help you find today?" Scarlett said sweetly. Under her politeness, Scarlett knew word of Rhett's approaching arrival had spread across the city.
"Hello, Scarlett. I'm looking for something for the Doctor's birthday," Mrs. Meade said as she started to study a china cup on the display in the middle of the store.
"I have a catalog here if you want to place an order for something special." It was awkward to talk to the woman without being scolded. Soon though that ice would crack and the woman would bring up Rhett. Mrs. Meade never came into the store without an alternative motive up her sleeve. Today that motive was to coax information out of her to tell her small- minded friends. "Do you have an idea what you are looking for?" Scarlett said pulling the catalog out and using sweetness in her tone.
"No not really. It's hard to buy for a man that already has everything, isn't it?" Mrs. Meade said as her eyes bore into Scarlett's flesh.
Scarlett knew that was a jab and she wanted to yell at Mrs. Meade to get out of her store, but she chose not to. "In some aspects it is. Does he need a new watch or cufflinks?" Scarlett questioned trying to ignore the comment. She quickly turned to the tab that had items for gentlemen. As Scarlett started pointed to suitable items for Dr. Meade the bell at the top of the entry rang causing her to look up. "Mrs. Kallenberg, how nice to see you."
"Hello Mrs. Butler, Mrs. Meade." The middle- aged woman said, nodding her head to each woman. "I have the dresses you ordered finished, Mrs. Butler, and since you were here today I thought I'd deliver them free of charge."
"Wonderful! Excuse me, Mrs. Meade. Please feel free to look through the catalog." Scarlett walked around the counter and took the boxes out of the woman's hands and placed them onto a small table.
Scarlett opened the top box and unfolded the tissue paper to reveal a solid pink dress with white piping on the edge of the skirt and sleeves. "This is absolutely gorgeous. Ella will simply adore it." In the next box was a play dress made of tan cotton covered with little rosebuds. Scarlett had ordered Ella five new dresses during Rhett's visit.
Over the last week they were both seen around town but never together, which got the superior citizens of Atlanta talking. When Rhett had informed her of their outing, it had annoyed her. Scarlett knew he was only doing so to try and keep the gossip down, but all it would do was to throw the logs on the fire of their sewing circles.
There was not much Scarlett had to do today. To extend the outing she brought along her last two copies of Godey's Lady's Book and Peterson's Ladies National Magazine with her to have Mrs. Kallenberg draw up some patterns for Ella. Scarlett had taken Ella to get measured the week before on their way home from Mr. Morris's piano lesson. The two did not have much time to do anything else, so it was then that Scarlett made an appointment to select the fabrics and colours and patterns.
"What ghastly waste of fabric are you having made now?" Rhett asked as they made their way down the street.
"Dresses for Ella not me," Scarlett said shortly. "If fabric is such a waste then why did you spend so much money on my clothes in New Orleans?" Scarlett asked as an afterthought.
"If I didn't then you would have been in the hotel room the whole time," he said with a smug grin.
"I did have clothes before we married you know," Scarlett replied not catching onto what he was referring to.
"You did but they wouldn't have lasted long anyways." The bottom of his teeth showed as a grin formed on his lips.
"What are you trying to say, Rhett?" Scarlett asked trying to hide the hope in her voice. Her pulse quickened at his words and smile. How she would love to feel his love for her, the same love she had for him. A tiny bubble of hope rose in her chest, waiting to cling to his next words. Scarlett hoped he would say something caddish with an underlying meaning.
"You have a fiery tempter, Scarlett, which was one thing I loved about you. It was what made me so interested in you. For years, I had imagined what bedding you would have been like. Sadly though, I was disappointed that your tempter did not match your bedside manner."
"How was I to know you wanted a whore for a wife? If you wanted to have someone to do tricks in your wedding bed you should have married Belle or some other whore." Scarlett said in a low voice with venom. "If you disliked my bedside manner so much why didn't you get our marriage annulled before we left Atlanta? Or you could have dropped dead after giving me a child to care for like my other husbands just to prove that I was indeed cursed! At least Bonnie would still be alive."
"I would suggest you keep Bonnie out of this! I should have never returned with her. She was better off without you." The harshness in his voice made Scarlett shrink a little.
"It would have been nice for you to stay gone then." Scarlett's anger rose as she gained her confidence. "At least my baby would have had a chance to be born instead of murdered by its father who questioned its paternity. Tell me, were you too damn drunk to remember raping me? To think I had worried about you when you had left with my child; it was a waste to be upset you left since it is your trademark. You are a heartless bastard, Rhett Butler!"
"Stop it Scarlett, you're swimming into deeper water that you can't swim in." Rhett said as a warning before diverting the conversation. "Come now, Scarlett, don't get mad at me for telling you the truth of what I thought sex would be like with you. I couldn't have you any other way. The difference between you and other women is that I was in love with you and no one else. Why else do you think I hovered around you during the war?"
"To get me to be your mistress time and again. Did you not ask me to be your mistress?" She said flatly. "I am truly glad it is over between us. I doubt I would have ever seen the truth if you didn't tell me this," Scarlett lied as her heart ached. Quickly gathering her bearings, Scarlett lifted her skirts, walked past Rhett, and entered the shop.
Rhett soon followed her as Mrs. Kallenberg was taking her to the back of the shop. Scarlett knew he was behind her and didn't care to acknowledge him.
Scarlett walked down the stairs to see Wade and Ella wore their Sunday's best to greet their stepfather. Wade had on his matching hat as he helped Ella with her bonnet. Ella disliked wearing her nicer clothes, afraid she would stain them or rip them and be punished by her mother. Why they had to dress so nicely for their Uncle Rhett was bewildering since he had not cared what they wore before.
"Come children, we'll be late if we don't leave now. Wade stop fidgeting with Ella's hat, I'll fix it in the carriage. The last thing we need is for it to fall off in the wind." Scarlett took the bonnet and pushed the children out the door.
The party of three left the house as though they were going to Sunday Mass instead of the train depot.
"Mother, why do we have to look nice for Uncle Rhett?" Ella asked as her mother tied her hat on securely under her chin.
"Because we are going to lunch at the hotel afterward. Besides don't you want to look like the prettiest lady in the South for your Uncle Rhett? I'm positive he will love your new dress. The colour was his idea." Scarlett asked knowing how much Ella loved Rhett and his compliments.
Ella shook her head 'no'. "That would mean you aren't the prettiest lady in the South."
Scarlett softly smiled to her child and cupped Ella's cheek endearingly. "I don't need to be the prettiest. There is no reason for me to over shadow other pretty ladies when I have what beauty brings."
"What is that mother?" Ella chirped.
"A husband and children," Scarlett said half- heartedly knowing her husband was now in name only.
Even now the thought of not having Rhett's love hurt her heart. With months to heal her wounded soul, there seemed to be no end to her pain. The children were there, yes, but they did not give her the love she needed; wanted. Now she must find some peace within herself to face Rhett as though her life were perfect. Then again he would know if she were faking it. There had to be some sort of reserve for Scarlett while her heart ached constantly for Rhett's love.
How awkward will this visit be now they have announced to themselves their new vowed friendship? Will they get into another fight about some unknown reason? Scarlett would hate to have this visit ruined for anything she said or he said. Though her wounds were old and delicately healing, the newer ones of the last year were still fresh and cut through the thick scars of old wounds.
With a heavy sigh escaping her lips, the babbling of her children was a buzzing in her ears as her mind wondered again.
"Can we talk in the study?" Rhett asked as Scarlett started to mount the stairs on her way to bed.
Oh God, he's going to ask for a divorce, Scarlett thought in a panic. Opening her eyes and taking a deep breath, Scarlett quietly said, "Yes", as she descended the few steps.
The walk to the study seemed as though it was the last walk of a convicted killer. Or even the plank of a captive pirate being fed to the sharks. What this conversation would entail could ruin her for the rest of her life. Scarlett's palms started to sweat with anticipation as she took in every detail of Rhett's back.
"Sit. Would you like a drink? I'm sure you are dying for one since you haven't had one in what, three weeks?" Rhett asked turning over two tumblers and pouring the smooth brandy into each glass.
Scarlett looked down, into the amber liquor, seeing her faded reflection, then placed the tumbler on the side table.
"No drink? Here I thought you would need one, and badly at that." Rhett said studying her over his glass's rim. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" He asked her in a concerned tone.
"Doing what? Not drinking the brandy?" Scarlett questioned. "After these weeks of not needing it, why should I get back into the habit?"
"You will though. And no, that is not what I mean. You know very well what I am asking but you are dodging it." He paused before he started again. "Why are you putting yourself through this torture?"
"Are you saying you want…want… a divorce?" She asked with the word 'divorce' whispered so softly he had to strain to hear it.
"No, that is not what I'm saying. You're not yourself, especially these last few weeks I've been here."
"What changed for you, Rhett? Before you left you were on the verge of death and now you are not. You almost seem to be your old self again." Scarlett asked remembering those days that seemed to never end and waiting up for hours at night to hear the clicking latch of the front door or the door of his room; any sign to know he made it home.
"Time, Scarlett, time. When you become older, you will realize that with time in solitude your thoughts become clear. I miss Bonnie every day and still blame myself for her death, but I know there is nothing to do to bring her back. Also Bonnie would be terribly upset to see me as I was and she wouldn't want that. I decided to mourn her and still honor her through living each day." Rhett declared talking in a smooth even tone.
"That's it? You woke up one day and came up with that? Seriously, Rhett, there has to be more." Scarlett said thinking there had to be something more drastic. "You were ready to take your pistol to your head one day, and nearly drank yourself to death daily. I did not want to see you in such a state, and I am alive! Every night I would wait in the shadows for you to return home safely. Every day I would make sure the carriage was ready in case the doctor had to be sent for. Why did you not care for what I wanted? I wanted to help you, to mourn our daughter with you."
"You are right. A lot more did happen. My Mother helped me see what I needed to see. She stripped the house of all alcohol and locked me in my room until I sobered up. Once sober she talked to me. I felt as though I was a child again and being punished. Still I was locked in that room with nothing to do except to think. During my travels of Asia I learned of the types of Meditation. For hours I would obtain a state of nirvana that had finally given me the strength to move on with the wisdom I had gained."
Scarlett bowed her head feeling low. It was almost as if a dagger was thrust into her heart and turned. As his wife, she should have been the one to comfort him and help him through the grief of losing their daughter. It should have been she that put a stop to his drinking. But what had she done? Go to Doctor Meade for advice and was told to try and lure her husband into her room with a door cracked open. She was a failure as a wife.
"Don't feel guilty, Scarlett. There was nothing you could have done. I did not want your help. I didn't want my mother's help either but you know the saying, Mother knows best. I would have locked my bedroom door to keep you away or I would have never returned when I left each night. I had blamed you many times and couldn't stand to look at you. When I saw you I saw Bonnie, I saw pain whenever I looked at you. It was pain that drove me away to heal," Rhett stated truthfully.
"I understand," she quietly said. "And what are your thoughts towards me now?" She asked shyly, hoping he did not think she was inquiring about his love for her.
"I don't love you and yet I do. Therefore, that puts me in the place of being neutral. I love that you gave me the greatest gift a man could receive. Bonnie was a part of us both and when I look at you I can still see her. If she never came into our lives, I would have never known what unconditional love was; to be loved and give love for nothing. The love I felt for her was wonderful, nothing I had ever felt before." Rhett knew it was harsh to say but he had to say it. The truth had to be spoken for them to move on. "What about you? Do you still feel the same as you said you did when I left?"
"I'm cursed with it," she stated bluntly looking him straight in the eye.
"I'll admit I was rather surprised you didn't chase after me as you did Ashley Wilkes. Why didn't you?" he explored.
"No. Why would I? The day you left was a constant reminder of your loathing towards me. How was I supposed to react when you showed up? Throw myself into your unwelcoming arms and hope for you to embrace me back? You're different than Ashley. You are true love, he was a childish love. What would you have done if I did run after you to Charleston or wherever else you may go? Run further away and insult me until you further crush my livelihood. There was nothing for me to do but wait for your return. And now that you are here, it still does not matter what I do, you won't love me again. I shall forever be alone, crying for something I could have had once but cannot have anymore." A single tear swam down her cheek.
"This is the reason for your aloofness since I've been here? Ella came to me one day asking if I knew what was wrong with you." There seemed to be an opening light in his eyes.
"I guess you can say that. Ella has been very clingy since you left." Scarlett said in a matter-of-fact tone. Not wanting to bring the children into the conversation, Scarlett quickly said, "Why is it you married me? I told you I did not want to marry again. And now what we had then is no more."
"Was that the reason you first said no? You wanted to remain friends and nothing more?" Scarlett slightly nodded her head. "I married you because I loved you and I couldn't stand to see you married to someone else. I had hoped that with my money you would love me back and give up the full rein you had on your business. If you had hired managers, we could have gone off to see the world. I wanted to give you back the life you had before the war had hardened you. To live carefree and enjoy every day."
"I'm so sorry, Rhett. If you had only told me what you wanted, then maybe things would have been different." Scarlett said with tears now fully evident on her cheeks. It pained her to no ends to now see the full force of what went wrong in their marriage. Even though she could see now that it was not fully her fault their marriage fell as Carthage did at the end of the Third Punic War with the Romans, Wade had reiterated to her about Roman wars, it still felt as though it were one hundred percent her fault.
"No. Don't be sorry, Scarlett. You did not know what I had hoped for, and I doubt I would have told you. We were both different people seeking different aspects of life back then. I wanted to finally settle down, and you were just starting your life and wanted all the gold you could get."
"Do you think we can start over?"
"Our marriage, no. There is too much to haunt us and we will use the past against each other when something doesn't go our way. Old doors will re-open and we will never find a unity."
"No. I didn't mean our marriage. And get this through your head I will not allow a divorce! I would like us to start our friendship over. To be friends again. To be able to talk to one another on business and the children and gossip, like we did during the war. We can have a relationship we did not have before." Scarlett said with a hint of happiness in her eyes, something she knew had not been there in some time. "This is not a trick to get you to love me again; I just want to have a friend again, nothing more. If, and this is a far fetched idea, you decide you want more from me we will discuss it then. Anything beyond our friendship is in your hands, not mine. "
"We might be able to be friends again. It won't be easy with our skeletons always around us. But this might be something to look at. Since we are to remain married by law, I can take you to Europe to see if you want to import items for your store." Rhett took the seat next to Scarlett, taking her left hand in his. "Shall we get new wedding, or should I say friendship, bands to acknowledge this new leaf of our lives?"
"That would be nice. Though I would like to pick out my new band. I'm sure the gossip mill will be running rather steady when they don't see this on my hand anymore." Scarlett said holding her left hand in front of them. "Rhett? When you decide to return could you please send word?"
"Yes, of course I can. Now I must pack since I'm leaving tomorrow. I have business in Europe to attend to and on my return we can plan a trip to Paris or London to find new bands and look into expanding the store's market." Rhett said happily, placing a pure kiss on Scarlett's third eye before leaving the room.
Scarlett lifted her chin poised as she and the children walked towards Rhett. Confidence she now had was not there the last time he had visited. Scarlett vowed silently to herself again not to let her marriage drag her down, but to live. She had no reason to let the world go by when there was so much to do and see. Her pain floated away knowing how short life was to fight with herself or Rhett.
"Welcome back Mr. Butler," Scarlett said with a smile on her face.
El Fin.