Mary felt exhausted. It was four in the morning, she only managed to sleep for a few hours and now she found herself lying awake. It was far from her first restless night. Matthew always seemed to sleep peacefully regardless of how she tossed and turned. Normally she could use the time to her benefit but with her cell phone confiscated and her laptop sitting at their flat in London, there was nothing to do but thumb through one of the few books she could find in the bedroom. Some old murder mystery about people trapped in a house together. If she had to wager a bet on whom among their group would end up dead smart money would be on Martha.
It would be a Murder on the Orient Express situation…
As she climbed out of bed Matthew simply shifted and continued to sleep. It always seemed that he could sleep no matter what. Bombs could rain down on London and he would have been able to sleep through them. Not Mary. There was always too much to think about, too many problems to solve. She had taken over her father's law firm when he decided to semi-retire, which left her with twice the responsibility but only the same amount of time. On top of that there was the drama of reproduction. She never thought that having a baby would take so much effort, raising a child, yes, but creating one was proving to be a different story.
Mary finally gave up on finding something to occupy her mind and went in search of the kitchen. The downstairs was mostly dark still, save for one small light was on in the front room. It took a few wrong turns to find the swinging door that led to kitchen, where she found another light already on.
"Hello?" Mary called quietly, pushing the door open, rather surprised to find Anthony sitting at the counter with a pot of tea and a fresh newspaper.
"Morning." He greeted, looking up from what he was reading. "Tea?"
"Yes, thank you." She hesitated slightly before sitting down across from him. "Couldn't sleep either?"
"Had a nightmare, couldn't get back to sleep." He pushed a cup towards her before folding up the paper. "Apparently Martha has a deal to receive the paper first on the chap's delivery route."
"I doubt many argue with her."
"True. So, what has you up so early?"
"My usual insomnia. Work, family, failed reproduction, the same old."
"I've been there."
"Oh?"
"My first wife was rather single-minded when it came to having a child. The shots, the treatments, odd smelling teas, any theory she could find was tested for the first two years of our marriage. It was such a hectic time, I was trying to get the publishing house up and running. I don't think I had one decent night of sleep that whole time."
"Didn't Maude finally become pregnant? I feel like I remember seeing her at one of my parents' Christmas parties." Mary was only thirteen at the time but she had a vague recollection of Maude Strallan glowing and expecting.
"Ah yes. That was shortly before…" he cleared his throat and looked away for a moment. "We lost the baby and it was too much for her."
"What happened?"
"She sent me out to pick something up. When I got home it was too late, she had taken an overdose of sleeping medication."
"I'm so sorry, Anthony." Mary finally managed. "I never knew the specifics."
"Not something I share."
"Does Edith?"
"Oh yes, of course. There's nothing kept secret between Edith and myself." Anthony paused for a moment before meeting Mary's eyes again. "May I offer a bit of unsolicited advice?"
"I suppose."
"Let Matthew shoulder some of your concerns. All of you Crawley women are so similar."
Mary scoffed at that notion.
"I know overall you three are individuals. But when it comes to the core you're all strong and a fair bit stubborn. But that's the perk to having a partner, you don't have to be strong all the time, you can share the struggles. Just a bit of advice from an old man." He offered with a smile before putting his cup in the sink and moving towards the door.
"Is your sleep better now? With Edith?" Mary called before he disappeared into the hall.
"Everything's better Edie." He answered without hesitation. "Good morning, Mary."
"Good morning, Anthony."
x-X-x
"Matthew, would you like to respond?" Martha prompted.
"I just don't understand why you never said anything before. I love you, Mary. If you were feeling overwhelmed why not just tell me?"
"Because every conversation about children turns into a fight."
"Not every."
"Most. Everything in our lives has become about babies. We don't even have sex for fun anymore!"
"Do you not want to have children?"
"I don't want our lives to revolve around it."
"That's all you needed to say." Matthew snapped back.
"This is a good time for a break." Martha suggested, the tension in the room suddenly palpable. The room cleared out, leaving Mary and Matthew sitting alone.
"You're cross with me." Mary stated, neither turning to face the other.
"Yes."
"Because I don't want kids to be our number one priority?"
"Because this is the first time you've said so. Because no matter how many times you say that it's our life or our focus, you don't actually mean 'our.' We aren't partners, we're roommates with an ovulation calendar pinned to the bathroom cabinet."
"Do you really feel that way?"
"Lately, yes. I offer to help you with the firm, you brush me off, and with things at home you tell me not to bother. I love that you can handle so much on your own, but you don't have to. I wish you would let me help you. Let me take care of you once in a while."
"I'm exhausted, Matthew." She couldn't stop the sob that escaped her as she fell against him. "Everyone expects so much from me. My parents, the board, and then this entire struggle with you and children… I can't focus on it all. I can't sleep at night. I feel like I'm coming up short at every turn."
"Shh." He tried to sooth, brushing her hair back as she cried against his chest.
"I can't be perfect all the time. I can't be everything everyone is demanding. I've scarcely had a moment of peace in months."
"You aren't coming up short. You're doing beautifully. Just let me help every now and again. The only expectation you need to meet is your own. Please let me help, Mary."
"I'd… I'd like that." She sniffled before letting out a small laugh of relief.
"If we do things together it might make it easier. You aren't the only capable lawyer in this marriage."
"Yes. Although, I did marry you for your looks." She teased.
"Of course you did. I am quite the catch." He shrugged.
"That you are." He pressed a kiss to her temple before she rested her head against his shoulder. "I'm going to need a fair bit of help in the future."
"Oh?"
"Yes. What with work and the baby coming."