I don't own Gravitation or any of the characters, just the plot.
Shuichi spent most of the night awake planning what he'd say to Yuki the next day. His emotions oscillated from betrayed to ashamed to bewildered. He knew Hiro was right, his own insecurities were at the heart of his freak out after the party, and he knew he that Yuki wasn't to blame.
And that kid. Shuichi kept seeing his face, the confidence of his approach, the bold invitation. It went against everything he thought love should be. His heart died a little at the thought of sex for money. He loved sex,whether they did it because they were horny or angry or were making up, but it was because he loved the person he was having sex with. Anything else just seemed wrong. He knew even Yuki would laugh at this, obiously recent events had brought that to light, but it was how he felt.
He didn't want to lecture his lover, though. He tried to organize his thoughts and prepare himself to confront Yuki when he got home and get out everything he wanted to say. He took a piece of paper out of one of Hiro's notebooks and write down his main talking points to help him focus, and he cried again as he did it but worked with his blurry eyes and trembling hand.
He tried to memorize what he wrote down and kept putting the paper in his pocket, but then he would forget something and have to take it out and study it again. His body, he knew, was working against him, without sleep and with the hang over effects of the alcohol. When the sun peaked in through the window he was ready to collapse from exhaustion and his rising panic, but he also wanted to puke, jump around, and scream out loud. He settled for listening to their old songs Hiro's iPod and humming along to calm his nerves while he folded and unfolded his notebook paper. The second his friend stirred he pounced on him and begged to be taken home.
"Alright," Hiro said, rubbing his eyes and stretching as he stood up. "Let me brush my teeth and we'll go, okay?"
Shuichi put his notes back in his pocket and tried to fix his hair with his hands. It felt like any other fight they'd had—he would always run himself ragged with emotion and come crawling back just to regain peace of mind. Once again, he was ready to call things off, but this wasn't like any other time.
"You ready?" Hiro came out of the bathroom and Shuichi was standing at the front door. "Okay, then. Let's go." Hiro put on his shoes and they walked out to his parked bike together.
"Thanks for cleaning up a little," Hiro said. "It's pretty empty, but it looks good."
"Hiro." Shuichi stopped before climbing on to the bike behind his friend. "I'm sorry I didn't know about Suguru. I hope things work out."
Hiro smiled. "Thanks."
Hiro dropped him off in front of the house. The car was still there, so Yuki wasn't out getting coffee again like Shuichi had hoped. He stood in front of the door, not sure if he should knock or if the door would be open. He realized that he didn't have his key. For a petrified second he thought all of his preparation might have been for nothing, because Yuki locked the door every night, and after the way he disappeared he'd have had twice as much reason to have locked it. When he walked out of his office last night and didn't find him, then saw the house key on the dresser where Shuichi always left it, he'd have ran to the door and bolted it. Yuki might even be sitting on the other side, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer and waiting for Shuichi to pound and yell and beg to be let back in, just so that he could sit there and pretend to be sleeping or working and not hear, or not care.
Shuichi felt himself drowning in his rising panic and grabbed the handle, which gave easily under his sweating palm. He stepped inside quickly so it wouldn't seem like he was stalling, but almost ran out again when he saw Yuki sitting on the couch, still in the clothes he'd worn yesterday, a mound of cigarettes overflowing the ashtray beside an enormous take away coffee cup. If only Hiro would have woken up earlier! Shuichi could have been the one sitting there waiting.
He felt like he was walking unwelcome into someone else's house. Yuki's face was stony. He put out his cigarette when Shuichi came in. This was the face off, and Shuichi was terrible at confrontation. All of his plans flew from his head and he wanted to go lock himself in the bathroom again, away from the hurt and anger in Yuki's gaze.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"I was with Hiro," he whispered.
"And Hiro's phone is broken?"
"No." Shuichi spoke to the ground. He should have called. He didn't call on purpose. He was a coward, and he couldn't do this.
"Jesus, Shuichi." He knew Yuki had been worried. The butts of many of the cigarettes had angry bite marks on them, a habit Yuki had when he was extremely stressed. He was no longer a house guest, and they weren't casual sexual partners. Shuichi bit his lip. He'd only been thinking about Yuki yelling at him if he called, telling him not to come home again, not about how Yuki would react when he didn't come home.
"Sorry. We lost track of time."
"I'm sure you told him your whole sad story," Yuki said. "I hope he told you how stupid you're being." Shuichi took a deep breath. There'd been a reason why he didn't come home, and he was going to explain himself. His lover's icy tone made it easier to steel himself, too.
"Well, excuse me. I guess that makes two of us who are stupid. How was I supposed to feel? You lied to me."
"About what?"
"About who you are!" Shuichi took a ragged breath. He'd skipped two talking points. That wasn't what he'd wanted to say. It was something, though, and he was about to plow ahead and try to make himself clear, but Yuki stood up and took a step towards him, his laughter advancing before him like a sharp weapon.
"You can accept that I killed someone but not that I've slept with other men?"
No. Shuichi pulled back, his face flushed and stinging from the force of the words. It hurt, and it had hurt Yuki to say it, to bring Kitazawa up so casually. Yuki's widen eyes gave him away—he hadn't meant to say it. But he unlike Shuichi, he drilled forward. He was angry, and that made him vicious.
"Or is it that I paid them? Do you feel like you're getting the short end of the stick here? Please, let me know if there's something more you want from me, something more I could possibly give you."
Shuichi was silent. That wasn't it. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. He wanted to wave his notes in Yuki's face, to explain that he wanted to do this without fighting. He braced himself for what he expected was the point where Yuki would tell him to leave if he was so unhappy, but Yuki's next words lost their cod edge as he spoke them.
"I can't defend myself against your imagination, Shuichi. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? I won't do it again? I love you? What?"
"Just—listen. You don't need to say anything. When we first—I had no idea what was going on when I met you. You were my first. 'This doesn't mean I love you.' I never forget that. But I loved you, from the very first time. And I know you love me, but I thought—I don't know, maybe if you didn't love any of them, if they were a phase when you were getting over what happened, then maybe I was part of that phase, too, and maybe you didn't really love me, either."
Shuichi took a steadying breath and prayed he would hold out to finish this.
"I know you do, though. I love you too. Maybe I love you too much. I don't know if this makes sense, but I never made room to love both of us, or I never made room for other people. Kitazawa, Seguchi, Aizawa, then this-" Shuichi caught his breath. He was losing it. Yuki standing so close to him, and completely unguarded, completely ready to take him in his arms and comfort him, and Shuichi wanted to give in so much he ached.
"I—I have to go, Yuki. This isn't about what happened Friday, I can't blame you for that." Shuichi tried to smile. His one chance was gone. Now he had only had one way to go. "I came back to get some of my things. I'm going to stay with friends for a while. I've got to figure some things out. I didn't realize how much you've been protecting me from everything since we met. I never really grew up, and I didn't want to. But it's not fair to either of us. So I want to spend some time working on that, and I can't do it while I'm here. I hope you'll be able to understand."
Yuki, who had been an adult since the age of seven, didn't understand.
"Did Hiro help you figure this plan out?" Yuki said quietly.
Shuichi shook his head. "No. I finally made a choice by myself, for myself. I know it seems like I'm being really selfish right now, but I think you didn't tell me because you thought I couldn't handle it, and I didn't handle it well. I want to be able to be a stronger person, for both of us. I don't know how else to do it."
Stay here. Grow here. Yuki wanted to scream it, but he wouldn't. He sat back down and lit another cigarette.
"Fine. Take whatever you want. I won't stop you."
"Thank you."
Shuichi called a cab when he got to the bedroom. He wiped a few tears away as he put all of his money and his things from the bathroom into his backpack and packed a gym bag full of clothes, and last of all placing a framed picture of Yuki from his bedside on top. He left his key on the dresser. When he returned to the living room Yuki was sipping his coffee.
"This isn't goodbye. I'll call you. And I'll be back."
"Just call when you want to pick the rest of your things up. I won't store them forever."
In the short time it took him to pack two bags, Eiri had rebuilt the walls it had taken Shuichi years to tear down. It broke his heart, and almost broke his resolve. Then he heard his cab honk from the driveway.
Shuichi hoisted his bags and pulled the door closed behind him without looking back at Yuki. He didn't have the strength to say goodbye. Outside he turned to look at the house that had brought him so much, and thought of the man inside who loved him so much.
"Wait for me, Yuki. I'll come back as soon as I can."
He got in the cab and gave the driver the address of an acquaintance, another musician who had an empty couch that he was willing to spare, at least for a few nights. If he still hadn't found himself after that, he wasn't sure what he'd do. He didn't want to drag Hiro or Mika or anyone else into the mess he'd made, he just hoped it wouldn't take that long to straighten things out.
Sorry to leave you in suspense. Chapter 4 is on the way, but reviews do remind me to update.