Chapter 3: Is that really you, Is it really her, what happen to you, How do I feel about this

It has been two weeks since the incident in the bathroom and I have been avoiding Alex like she is the plague and in a way she is. She plagues my mind and the symptoms are nightmares in which she is the one raping me. There are other symptoms like the constant state of turmoil my emotions are always in and the dreams about our good times. I'm still hopelessly in love with her yet I fear her. I fear that she sent those men after me and I fear that she doesn't love me anymore. Even if she did still have feelings for me she wouldn't want to be with me after she finds out what happen to me. She already looks at me with sadness and confusion. I can tell just by looking into her eye's that she wants to know. She wants to know what happened to me and why i've become so broken. During those times when I am looking into her eyes I know it's impossible for her to have sent those men after me but in those moments when my eyes lid fall from exhaustion I see her and the men gathering around my battered body laughing and taunting. I see their faces in hers and her face in theirs. As though the men who raped me and Alex are one and the same. It makes me sick to my stomach. So sick that I have taken to keeping a metal bucket under my bed. At first I was overjoyed to finally have a bunk because to me it meant my prison sentence was on its way and I was closer to being out. I saw it like this; first I have a bunk than a job and eventually the days would blur and I would be out before I know it. Of course it was wishful thinking because two weeks in and I already feel like I've been here too long. Alex tries to talk to me but I run,bolt or speed walk away from her which is saying something since I am so weak from withdrawal that they won't give me a job. The officers look at me strange even the ones who are known to be mean. It makes me wonder if word of what happened to me had got out. I hoped not the more people who knew the more humiliated and victimized I felt. I have read all the book and I know that it's never the victim's fault and that most victims feel humiliated but knowing it's normal to feel this way and being told it's not my fault doesn't help at all. It doesn't help with the nightmare or the irrational fear of men or the feeling of impurity. Lunch is the most dreadful of times. I have to sit near Nicky and Alex always sits at that table and happens to always be across from me. Not only that but everyone notices my poor eating habits and for some reason they all care about my health, especially Red. Red's ok though because she doesn't try to force me to talk. Since I don't have a job I help her in the kitchen and we work in silence. When I leave to take my withdrawal medication she always warns me about Mendez and how he got a girl name Trisha killed by sneaking in drugs. She also makes me eat when I come back and if I don't come back ,which I tried a few times, she come and finds me.

"It's your first day of counseling right?" She asked

"Yeah." I said my voice less horse then when I got here.

"Her name is Astra Zrell. She is good at what she does and helps a lot of people like you." Red said as she chopped green peppers. I felt a misplaced anger form.

"What do you mean people like me?" I said as I stop peeling the onions. My heart was beating a mile a second and I was shaking. She knew, was all I could think. She knew she knew she knew.

"People who are addicts." She said not looking away from her cutting board. I sigh in relief but tense when I realized I sighed to laud.

"Oh ok." Was all I said trying to act unbothered. then I went back to work. A good few minutes has passed before Red spoke again.

"And people who have been raped."

My blood runs cold and my body freezes. I didn't realize but as soon as the words left her mouth tears flowed down my face. I don't have the strength to ask how she knew or to lie or to demand she not tell anyone because it was all to fresh for me. Just recently I told someone for the first time in years so for someone to say i'm a rape victim so blatantly just shook me to my core. I had always tried not to think about it or talk about it and heroin did a great job at aiding me in that but now there was no heroin. Only me, my memories, and my thoughts. So yes when Red said aloud that I was a rape victim I dropped the onion I was peeling I curled into a ball and I sobbed. I felt a towel on my hands then arms wrap around me. I rubbed my eyes but it was pointless because the tears just kept coming. In my mind all I could think was 'I am a rape victim and I don't know what to do'. I didn't know what to do all those years ago so I turned to drug. I don't know what to do now either but I feel so lost and alone.

"I know honey, I know." Red said and it was only then that I realized I had been mumbling that I was raped.

Neither of us noticed the third party present.

After crying my eyes out I went to counseling. She told me she didn't know much. All she let them tell her was that I was a heroin addict trying to get clean and a victim of sexual assault. She said sexual assault could be anything from rape to being molested. All and all she wanted me to want to tell her about myself and willingly share information with her. I would have her as my counselor for all five and a half years and if I wanted to see someone when I got out she could arrange it but I wouldn't be her. We didn't talk about anything heavy just how are you feeling and adjusting as well as basic questions. It was fun until she asked me if I wanted to tell her what kind of sexual assault it was. Afterwards I said nothing for the last fifteen minutes. When time was up she told me that our other sessions would be like this one. She would ease us into talking about harder topics but it would start off that I got up and went to my bunk. We hadn't discussed me working or how often we would meet but she said the time of our sessions would remain the same but the days would vary in amounts. On my way back I saw Alex in front of the chapel door crying she looked like she was waiting for someone. When she turned and met my eyes I knew that someone was me.

"Please tell me it's not true?" She begged and pleaded. I had no idea what she was talking about but there was really only one thing she could be talking about.

"What are you talking about?" I asked nervously. I would rather it be anything in the world but that.

"Piper please come inside and talk to me." She saw the hesitation written all over my face and continued. "Please Pipes. I have to know the truth."

She called me Pipes and I broke and followed her into the chapel. I cursed my weakness but still walk with her all the way behind the podium. We stood in silence for far too long before she spoke.

"Laurna was walking to the kitchen to badger Red for one of the good fresh apples that came in today. She heard you and Red talking." Alex stood trying to find words but failing. It didn't matter though because she gave me more than enough information to piece it all together. However I needed to be sure because a part of me still hoped this wasn't about what I think it was about. So I made her say it

"What did she hear?" I whispered . Alex looked up at me but I wouldn't meet her eye's. I knew her eye's were pleading with me not to make her say it.

"She heard you say," Alex broke into a sob but managed to say the words "She said she heard you say you were raped Pipes."

Alex rushed through the last words. I stood there not knowing what to say and not being able to say anything. My heart began to throb and hammer in my chest and my face became flush red. I was quickly descending into a panic attack. I closed my eye's or so I thought but when I opened them again I was in the medical room with a nurse telling me I blacked out. Alex was sitting next to me making weird sounds. I think she was trying to comfort me but all i could think about was how much heroin could help the situation.