Chapter Two

Say Something

Living in New York, Rachel was used to setting her alarm and getting up early. She loved to go past Broadway and take in the lights and sights of Manhattan. She loved going to her favourite coffee shop and grabbing a bagel and a coffee. Sometimes she would be joined by Jesse, sometimes by Kurt and Blaine but it was always her favourite thing to do. And she would always have to get up early if she was doing a show. Jesse had always been a tough director and he liked them to be in rehearsals for most of the day, for most of the week. She supposed that was partly why she had won a tony, not that she was going to credit Jesse with that. She had won it on her talent, despite whatever he wanted to believe. She would have gotten their eventually with or without his help. However now she was in Lima there was no reason for her to wake up early so she didn't bother setting her alarm and decided to sleep in. This was her vacation from her life after all and she could relax as much as she wanted.

However it turned out that her lazy morning was just not meant to be that day. She was woken up the day after her arrival back in Lima to the sound of someone banging against her front door. She groaned, rolled her eyes before slipping out of bed. She grabbed her pink silky dressing gown and slipped into it, closing it over her pink lacy negligee before making her way through her living room and to the front door, opening it after quickly plastering a neutral, non-irritated look on her face. When the door opened, her heart stopped abruptly in her chest. Out of all the people that she was expecting to see, Sam Evans was not one of them especially after the way that he had left the day before. "Sam! What are you doing here?"

"I have something that I need to say to you Rachel and I assumed that you'd be up already. You always did like to get up at crazy hours ahead of everyone else" he told her, frowning at her state of undress. She blushed before puffing up indignantly. Sam had not spoken to hear in years and ignored all of her messages. How would he know what time she liked to wake up at anymore, even if it was true? And this was her break, she was allowed to sleep in however long she wanted to. "I'm sorry if I've shown up at a bad time. I can come back later I guess?"

"No" she snapped. "That would be way too easy for you wouldn't it?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You walked out without saying a word to me yesterday and you've not responded to any of my messages in years. What is your problem, Sam?" Rachel demanded. She hadn't planned on confronting him about any of his behaviour, she had just wanted a peaceful break from her life but the words had just come flooding out upon his sudden and unexpected appearance at her front door and then the way he planned on just leaving without offering an explanation as to why he was there. She was growing tired of all of the men in her life and the way they treated her, except for Kurt and Blaine of course but they hardly counted.

"I wanted to say that I was sorry for walking out on you yesterday. I still find it hard to be around you".

"What?!"

"I still have feelings for you, that's why I stopped responding to your messages and why I left yesterday. All I wanted to do was kiss you and it was hard for me to stop myself from getting too close to you".

Sam's green eyes gaze directly into hers and she felt her breath catch in her throat. Then his words sunk in and she felt a powerful wave of anger come over her. How could he possibly be saying this to her right now after all this time when he was the one who let her go because she wasn't worth going to New York for? And he was the one who promised that they would still be friends after their break up but he was the one who deserted her as if she meant nothing to him. She really needed him in her life and he disappeared because he couldn't make up his mind about his feelings for her?

"But it wasn't too hard for you to cut me out of your life and for you to date thousands of other girls here in Lima. And it wasn't at all hard for you to dump me and act like Jesse kissing me was nothing to you?"

"I thought that you were happy with him, Rachel. Happier than you were with me and he could offer you things I couldn't like a great life in New York. What did you want me to say, Rach? That I had fallen hopelessly in love with you and that I wanted you to pick me over him? That I had made a huge mistake letting you go?"

Rachel stared at him in disbelief. "That's exactly what you should have said, Sam. I wanted you! But you never said anything and Jesse was there for me. Now you have the nerve to show up here after all this time to say these things to me but only because I got my heart broke by Jesse first and came back to Lima. Sam, would you have even said anything to me if I had stayed in New York?!"

"I don't know" he admitted and he could sense that his big move to declare he still had feelings for her was not going too well at all. "I only knew that I wanted to tell you these things when I saw your face again. It was like a light bulb moment for me".

"That's not good enough for me, Sam. I care for you still and always will but I can't do this again. Between Finn, you and Jesse, I just don't think that I believe in love anymore. I'm sorry" Rachel told him with quivering lips before shutting the door in his face. He stood outside for about five minutes, staring at the door in dismay. When had he managed to make such a huge mess of things? How was he ever going to get Rachel to give him a second chance? Maybe he couldn't, maybe it was hopeless and he should just give up. Maybe he should just resign himself to the fact that no girl was ever going to want Sam Evans for longer than a few months at a time. Maybe he was destined to be alone.

After cooling down, Rachel felt a pang of guilt at the way she had spoken to Sam but really what had he expected from her? After all she was only just newly divorced and still reeling from Jesse's betrayal, and it had been over a year since he had last communicated with her in any form and really a bouquet of flowers didn't count no matter how pretty they were or that they were her favourite. They also hadn't been together for that long before they broke up and even that had been years ago so how could he actually think that Rachel would want to hear all of those things right now? She growled to herself in frustration as she sat in her small kitchenette, eating some toast that she had quickly thrown on to eat for her breakfast.

The last time she had seen Sam he had been all floppy dark blonde hair and had the beginnings of a goatee. Today he had stood on her doorstep with a clean shaven face and neatly styled hair like he had worn it during his brief time in New York. He looked good, she had to admit. But just because she was still attracted to him didn't mean anything. She meant what she had said to him at the door: she didn't believe in love anymore. Well she didn't believe that love was meant to happen for her. She knew love was real and it was good, Kurt and Blaine were proof of that but she didn't feel like it was supposed to be for her. She was meant to be a star and maybe she was cursed to be alone like she always had been. Finn was cruelly snatched from her prematurely, Sam dumped her because he didn't think they were compatible and then Jesse stabbed her in the back. None of those things made her even want to think about dating again.