Thank you so much for the reviews that made me smile so hard. Thank you, I love you people.
This chapter is for A.A, because when she isn't flattering me she's making me laugh like some demented idiot. I hope this makes you smile.
P.s, to whoever spots the Home Alone reference, please contact me so that we can tie the knot.
Lauren is anal retentive.
It's not really rocket science to figure it out and Bo kind of hates that it took her three days to notice.
Every single tiny thing has to be a certain way and if it isn't she gets this cute little scowl on her face and looks like she literally has to hold herself back from fixing it.
Bo loves it.
She especially loves putting things haphazardly just to drive the blond crazy.
That will teach her to put bloody ferns in the bathroom, giving Bo mini heart attacks when she goes to the toilet at night.
"Bo," she calls on the evening of their fourth night together, she's in the kitchen cooking something healthy, whatever the hell that means.
"What," the brunette answers smiling to herself, already knowing what's to come.
"Why the hell are all the cups on the bloody counter! Cups don't go on the counter, Bo!"
"They look pretty there," she says as innocently as she can.
Ferns, really, she ought to have hung underwear in the living room.
"They look like we've had a visit from the mug bandits." Lauren is now standing directly in front of her, a red apron on her waist and her hair in a ponytail, her chest heaving.
If she were honestly, legitimately Bo's wife. They would totally be having sex tonight.
Totally.
"Oh come on, they look a little pretty."
"what the hell does pretty have to do with order?"
Bo shrugs.
She eyes Bo for a second then it dawns on her, "you're doing this on purpose." it's a statement.
Bo shrugs again, her smile threatening to break through.
The blond wipes her hands on her apron and nods, like she's accepting some sort of challenge, "okay." she nods again, "okay."
...
It's like waiting for a fucking bomb to drop.
They have settled into a routine.
Bo wakes up, has a mini heart attack in the bathroom, goes to the kitchen to have really nice coffee that Lauren sees fit to make for her, does a few conference calls, then sits on her favorite couch and contemplates ways to drive her wife crazy.
Reorganize all the seats in the house.
Put all the photos facing down.
Throw various kinds of underwear all around the house.
Invite a bunch of hobos for an impromptu party.
The possibilities are endless!
The only problem is that Lauren is participating in the little war Bo has declared.
She gets up before Bo for work, comes back late in the evening and locks herself in her room, to unpack and all that shit.
But that's not the worrying part, the worrying part is that she is so freaking nice!
And really, it's sorta freaking Bo out, still waters and all that shit.
"We should get to making that plan," she says one night as they're in the living room.
She's reading, and Bo is pretending to watch T.V while stealing glances at the blond, just to make sure she isn't aiming a gun at her or something.
"What?" she asks, pretending to be really interested in the T.V.
"The plan, I mean, you wanted to introduce me to your grandfather, and I need us to pass as a real, legit couple, just in case anyone asks. So yeah, we need a plan."
"Uh, okay."
"That's not very helpful." The blond says with narrowed eyes, placing her book on her lap.
"You just swung this on me, I need sometime to think." Bo defends herself and Lauren sighs.
"Okay then, let's start small,getting to know each other, where were you born?"
"Here, in the city."
Lauren nods, "did you like your childhood?"
"Loved it." Bo answers without missing a bit.
The blond smiles, "did you like yours?" Bo asks before the woman can ask another question.
"Most of the time." She answers after a bit.
"And the rest of the time?"
She shrugs and picks her book, "too long of a conversation for this time of night." Is all she says.
...
She should have known, she really should have fucking known that the bomb would drop when she least expects it.
It Saturday evening.
Lauren's being really nice.
She had the day off work, she cooks really nice food and buys a lot of alcohol.
After dinner, they get to talking.
The getting to know each other thing is part of their routine now and so instead of Bo concentrating on making her wife's life hell, she spends her time thinking of questions to ask her.
They only have a few days before they go to meet Trick, their act has to be real.
So Bo asks all the right questions and Lauren gives all the right answers.
She lets Bo know that she was born in England and raised in France and moved to Canada to find her father. She tells her of strange English mornings when she had tea, of all freaking things. And she describes living in France like the way someone would describe eating chocolate. Delicately, like it's something she wants to keep with her forever.
So, drinks are flowing and so is the conversation and Bo finds Lauren more and more interesting with every question the blond answers.
Lauren though, she doesn't drink much, all she does is ask Bo if she wants more.
She's very prompt in refilling her wife's glass. Bo thinks of what a nice woman she married.
Until she wakes up in the morning.
Harboring mother of all bloody headaches, feeling like a million elephants are playing drums in her head and as if that's not bad enough, someone somewhere is playing really loud music.
It's like hip hop and electronic music had sex and created Bo's worst nightmare.
At first, she thinks it's the neighbors. But then she opens her door in order to go out and bitch at them and she is literally slapped by the music.
She has to stand still for a second and confirm that her head isn't cracking open.
"What the fuck, Lauren!" She yells above the music to her wife who is seated crossed legged on the couch, looking like a mafia boss.
Lauren just smirks.
"Turn it the hell down!" she yells again, feeling like she might cry.
Lauren must have decided to take some pity on her, because she turns the volume down a bit, Bo rubs her throbbing head, "the fuck was that?"
"Nice uplifting music." Lauren says softly, her smirk still in place, "I'm in the mood to be uplifted today."
If she had the energy, Bo would have scowled at her, "what's uplifting about the shit you were just playing?"
Lauren shrugs, "the spirit wants what the spirit wants, darling."
"Well, can your spirit wait till later, I have a raging headache and that music is driving me nuts." it's as polite as Bo can be right now.
Lauren tilts her head to the side, "is it now?"
Her tone, her shining eyes, the fact that she has to keep her smile from splitting her face into two...Bo gasps, "you're enjoying this!"
"Now why would you think something as awful as that?" She asks with mock hurt.
That's when Bo recalls that Lauren drunk almost nothing last night, how she was so nice in offering Bo more, how Bo told her, just the other day, that she usually has the worst hangovers ever.
"You fucking planned this!"
"I did no such thing," the blond is close to laughing now.
Bo doesn't know what to say. She was played so bad, so fucking expertly that she really just doesn't know what to say.
She decides to let it go for now. She has the worst headache in the history of headaches, Lauren has already turned the music back up and she honestly cannot think right now.
But later, when her headache has been dealt with she is going to enact sweet revenge on Lauren.
The blond won't even know what hit her.
...
The gods are smiling so fucking big on Bo Dennis, seriously, that's the only way she knows how to describe the fact that a chance to enact her sweet revenge fell right on her lap.
She didn't even have to go look for it. And it happened so beautifully that it really just has to be the gods avenging her.
So, for all her Mafia ways, it turns out Lauren actually does have a heart under that constantly covered in ridiculous shirts chest of hers and a few hours after attempting to split Bo's head in half, she turns up at the brunette's door, coffee cup in one hand and actual cooked eggs in another.
Her weight shifting from one foot to another and biting her lip, looking nervous as hell.
"How's your head?"
It's better, if we're being real. Bo took some medicine and she's been sleeping and letting herself calm down so in all honesty, her head is a million times better. But she'll sooner wear acrylic than tell Lauren that.
"Killing me, what are you even doing here?"
"I-" Lauren looks a bit ashamed, "I brought you breakfast."
"It's one."
"Uh, brunch then?" She bites her lip even harder and shifts even more and it has been said before but really if this woman was Bo's wife they'd be having so much sex.
So much.
"Are you trying to bribe me into forgetting that you're a cruel, cruel, person using food? Because if you are I have to tell you that that's offensive."
The blond looks even more nervous, "it's one. You haven't even left your room and it's one. I thought you'd like something to eat."
"So this is not you acknowledging the fact that you're evil?"
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know that you have such a delicate head."
Bo arches a brow, "delicate head?"
Lauren rolls her eyes and walks in, seemingly tired of waiting for an invitation. She places the coffee and eggs on Bo's bedside table and then just stands there awkwardly, like she doesn't know where to go from here.
Her uncomfortableness not only amuses Bo to no end, but it also really thrills her, she picks her mug of coffee that try as she can, she never understands how Lauren manages to make it so good.
"You betrayed my trust." She decides to milk this for all it's worth.
Lauren, if possible, grows even more uncomfortable, "I know."
"How I'm I supposed to tell you things now if I know you're just going to use them against me?"
"You put pepper in the salt shaker, Bo. What was I to do?" She says like what Bo did was the greatest sin on earth, like it absolves her of any blame to anything she did in retaliation to that.
"Those shakers look the same, it was an honest mistake."
It was a juvenile trick but by God was it hilarious.
Lauren sighs, "can we just stop this?"
"Stop what?" Bo asks innocently, taking a sip of her coffee.
"This, everything, I don't want to do whatever it is we're doing, Bo. Let's just, lets act like adults, yeah? Cause I think you're a really nice person and maybe we just got off on the wrong foot." She gives Bo a small smile, "I'd like to get to know the woman I'm married to."
She looks and sounds so genuine, but Bo Dennis is anything but stupid, she's not going to be played twice, no fucking way.
The brunette smiles, "sure, how about we start now."
Lauren looks genuinely surprised that Bo agreed that fast but she sits down on the bed anyway, "okay. Where should we start from?"
"Conjugal rights."
Lauren looks like she just chocked on her own spit, her eyes grow wide and her cheeks tint, "conjugal what?"
"Rights," if we're being real, even Bo doesn't know where that came from, but Lauren looks uncomfortable so she's going to just run with it. "We're married, I'm entitled to some action."
"Oh my- are you serious?"
"I don't take marital rights lightly, Lauren."
"You're demented. I swear to god, something isn't right with you."
"Can we just be adults, for five seconds, let's do that." Bo gently places her cup down, "sex is important Lauren. At least to me. And one of the perks of being married is having regular, legal sex."
"I'm not sleeping with you!" She sounds genuinely appalled and seriously, Bo's feelings are a tiny bit hurt, she's hot as hell and this woman is blind or not a very good lesbian if she isn't even considering sex with her.
Not that Bo really wants to have sex but still.
"Why the hell not?"
"Because."
"Because what? I'm not trying to be vain here but even straight girls want some of this."
Lauren scoffs, Bo glares, "I'm not joking, I've known girls who thought they were straight and then they met my vagina."
"You're delusional."
"No I'm not," she lowers her voice, "and if you want, I can prove it."
"No."
"You're mouth is saying no but your nether regions are calling out to me so loud..."
"Bo!" Now she looks like a tomato and Bo has to but her cheeks to keep from laughing, this is just too good and too damn easy.
She has reduced the ever sarcastic Lauren Lewis to one worded sentences.
"Come on, Lauren..." she tries to sound sultry, Lauren shoots from the bed.
"I'm leaving now." And then before Bo can say anything else, she bolts.
Bo falls back on the bed and laughs, her whole being feeling so ridiculously proud she could burst.
Revenge, especially when you didn't even have to plan it, is so extremely sweet.