AN: This is the real chapter 3. Thank you to Sara for point out my mistake.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
Friendship is born at that moment
when one person says to another:
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C.S. Lewis
"You promised me a story Emmy," says Catherine, pouting.
Emily rolls her eyes, "I didn't promise but I will tell you a story Catherine. I had a pen pal when I was a teenager. It started out as a school assignment. I was given a little girl by the name of Jessica, Jessie; she had a little sister named Jennifer, Jenny."
"My Jen?" asks Catherine with a soft smile,
"Yes Catherine, your Jen, our JJ." Emily's smile mirrors Catherine's.
"I didn't know you knew Jen," says Catherine, wide-eyed.
Emily's lips twitch, "I didn't know JJ, Creirwy (kree-ree). I only knew Jess."
"Did you ever meet her?" asks a hopeful Catherine.
Emily's eyes look sad, "Once."
Catherine doesn't notice. She smiles happily at Emily, "What was she like?"
Emily bites her bottom lip, "She was sad Creirwy (kree-ree)."
"Oh." Catherine pauses before asking, "When did you meet her?"
Emily sighs, "About a month before she killed herself."
Catherine's shoulders sag and she breathes out a sad "oh." She bites her lip, "Can you tell me anything about her? I would like…"
Emily raises an eyebrow, "Do you mean that you want someone else's opinion of her Creirwy (kree-ree)?"
"Well yes, all my information has come from Jen and well…" Catherine trails off.
"It's okay Creirwy (kree-ree), I understand." Emily continues quietly, "I was rather rude in my first letter to Jessica. I wasn't impressed with the idea of writing to a twelve-year-old girl in the US. I wanted to pass English so I decided that I would write just as many letters as necessary, not get attached and then never talk to that child again. I prayed that I would get someone who was passably interesting so that writing the letters wouldn't be torturous. It didn't work out like that."
"You became attached." Catherine says with certainty, it is not a question.
"Yes," concedes Emily, "I became attached, and so did Jessie. We continued to write to each other and we became friends even though we didn't share anything important for quite a few years. Jessie was the first person I ever told about my abortion…" Emily trails off.
Catherine looks confused, "Why did you tell her? Why was she the first person?"
Emily starts to explain, "Because Jessie was important-"
Catherine cuts Emily off, suspicion colouring her voice, "How important?"
Emily chuckles, "Jealous Creirwy (kree-ree)?"
Catherine wrinkles her nose. "No."
"Liar," says Emily teasingly.
Catherine rolls her eyes.
"It's okay you know," reassures Emily.
"What exactly is okay?" asks Catherine defensively.
Emily smiles, "To want to know just how important someone else is to me."
"Emmy-" starts Catherine.
Emily cutes her off, "In all seriousness Catherine, at the time Jessie was very important. At the time, everything in my life was fluid; nothing was consistent in my life. My mother was always moving us around for work and Jessie's letters were a constant in my life for three and a half years."
"What about now?" asks Catherine, biting her lip.
Emily sighs, "I haven't really sat down and thought about Jessie in a long time, not until you mentioned losing your eldest sister to suicide in October."
"Why didn't you say anything Emily?" asks Catherine in uncertainty.
"I wasn't sure it really was my Jessie you were talking about," says Emily picking at her nails.
Catherine frowns, "What changed? Why are you sure now?"
"It was what you said..." Emily trails off.
Catherine rolls her eyes, "What did I say Emmy? I have said an awful lot of things tonight."
Emily rushes to answer in one breath, "You said that you were a 'faerie princess' who needs to be protected."
"Really?" Catherine wrinkles her nose in confusion, "Why is that important to you?"
Emily smiles sadly, "Jessie was always talking about a faerie princess from her dreams."
Catherine smiles in recognition, "Jenny said that Jessie used to dream about the faerie princess, about me, all the time."
"Every night and Jessie wasn't the only one who had dreams," whispers Emily.
Catherine heard what Emily whispered, "What are you talking about Emmy?"
"Nothing. I shouldn't have said that," says Emily quickly.
"Please tell me?" asks Catherine, clasping her hands together under her chin and looking pleadingly at Emily.
"Not now, some other time Creirwy (kree-ree)," says Emily dismissively.
"Why not now Emmy?" pushes Catherine.
"Because there are other things that you need to know and I can't tell you tonight," says Emily in a reasonable tone.
Catherine narrows her eyes, "What kind of things do you need to tell me Emily?"
"I can't tell you right now Catherine," hedges Emily.
"When can you tell me?" questions Catherine.
"Later," says Emily calmly.
Watching Emily's face closely through narrowed eyes, Catherine asks "How much later?"
"A lot later," says Emily looking back at Catherine.
"Emily!" says Catherine in exasperation.
Emily narrows her eyes at Catherine, "I don't have an exact number Catherine. You need clearance."
Catherine takes a deep breath, "Let me get this straight, I need clearance for you to tell me something important?"
Emily nods, "Yes."
"Okay," Catherine pauses, "Then do I also need clearance for you to talk to me about dreams that my sister or someone else, possibly you, had about me before I was born?"
"Not exactly," hedges Emily.
"Emily!" grounds out Catherine.
"Catherine, I can't tell you anything else. You need to accept that for now." Emily ties to placate Catherine.
"Fine," spits out Catherine in anger.
"Please don't be angry with me Creirwy (kree-ree). I'll be able to tell you someday," says Emily contritely.
"Someday isn't now Emily," says Catherine, brushing her off.
"No it isn't," agrees Emily, "but it's better than me not ever being able to tell you."
"I guess," says Catherine, sulking just a little bit.
Emily tries to make up for her earlier blunder, "Do you know what Jessie used to be called by your parents and her classmates?"
"No," says Catherine cautiously.
Emily smiles fondly in remembrance, "Creirwy (kree-ree), she was called JJ."
Catherine narrows her eyes at Emily, expecting this to be a joke, "I thought Jen was JJ."
"Jessie was JJ first," says Emily in her most convincing voice.
"Of course," breathes out Catherine, her eyes lighting up, "Jessica Joy."
Emily's smile is all the answer Catherine needs.
"If JJ was Jessie's nickname, why would Jenny want to be known by the same name? Wouldn't that be a little weird?" asks Catherine, wrinkling her nose.
Emily smiles at her kindly, "You know the answer to that Creirwy (kree-ree)."
"No I don't," says Catherine immediately, without reflection.
Emily rolls her eyes, "Catherine, think for a minute. If you lost JJ, how much would you want to hold onto her?"
Catherine frowns, "A whole hell of a lot."
Emily squeezes Catherine's hand, "Would you light a candle for her every night?"
Squeezing Emily's hand, Catherine replies immediately, "Of course."
Emily bites her tongue, "Would you talk about her all the time for years after her death?"
Catherine frowns, "Probably."
Emily smiles at Catherine, "Would you tell your little sister, if you had one, about your big sister?"
Catherine smiles back, "Most definitely."
Emily bites her lip, "Now, if you had the same initials, would you take her nickname as your own to keep a little piece of her alive?"
"Yes," says Catherine a little sadly.
"Would you-" starts Emily.
Catherine rolls her eyes, "Okay Emmy, I get it."
"Good," says Emily with a smile.
"I have another question Emmy," says Catherine quietly.
Emily answers just as softly, "Yes Creirwy (kree-ree)?"
Catherine bites her lip, "How was Jessie when you knew her? You said that she was sad but Jenny doesn't remember her like that."
"She probably wouldn't Creirwy (kree-ree)…" Emily winces and trails off.
"I don't understand," says Catherine shaking her head, "Why?"
"Creirwy (kree-ree)," says Emily grimacing, "Jennifer was eleven when Jessica died. How much of an idealized version of your sister did you have when you were ten or eleven? How high was the pedestal you put her on?"
Catherine rolls her eyes, "I can acknowledge your point but Jen has been my entire world for a very long time. She raised me. She was and is my hero."
Emily's lips twitch, "Have you considered that Jessie was probably JJ's whole world too?"
"Okay," breathes out Catherine, "but why wouldn't she remember how sad Jessie was?"
"Maybe she doesn't want to remember or maybe JJ was just a little girl who didn't know anything about mental illness." Emily bites her tongue.
"Mental illness?" asks a confused Catherine.
"Nothing Catherine," says Emily, picking at her nails, "forget I said anything."
"No, I will not forget. Emily, what aren't you telling me? Was Jessie mentally ill? Did Jenny know? Does Jenny know?"
"Catherine slow down. One question at a time," admonishes Emily.
Catherine is starting to sound a little panicked, "You said that you would answer all my questions as they pertain to Jessie. These do. Answer me. Please Emmy?"
"I will answer everything that I can Creirwy (kree-ree). Just slow down a little okay?" says Emily, trying to calm Catherine down.
"Fine," says Catherine breathing in and out slowly a few times in an attempt to calm down. "Was Jessie mentally ill?"
Emily swallows and doesn't answer for such a long time that Catherine whispers into the silence, "She was, wasn't she?"
Emily cannot look at Catherine when she answers, "Yes."
Catherine frowns at the side of Emily's head, "Do you know what she had?"
Still looking at the ceiling Emily says, "I only know of two possible things Creirwy (kree-ree)."
Catherine is getting impatient again, "Well, what were they?"
Emily bites her tongue and says dispassionately, "Jessica was being treated for multiple personality disorder as well as dissociative amnesia."
"MPD, really?" Catherine asks, looking a little confused.
Emily's swallow is audible, "It is one of the things that she was being treated for."
"She was on medication?" asks Catherine, desperate for clarification.
"She was." Answers Emily quietly.
Catherine's eyebrows furrow, "For how long? When did-"
Emily cuts her off, "One at a time Catherine. She was hospitalized in October of 1988."
Catherine does a quick mental calculation, "So she was on medication for nine months. Do you know what kind of medication?"
Emily shakes her head minutely, "No I don't. I never asked."
Catherine cringes, "Did Jenny know?"
Emily frowns, "I don't think so Creirwy (kree-ree). From what I remember, Jennifer wasn't allowed to visit Jessie in the hospital."
Catherine looks nervous, "Does Jenny know about Jessie now?"
Emily purses her lips, "I don't see how she could."
"You didn't tell her?" Catherine asks confusion colouring her voice.
Emily rolls her eyes, "Give me a break, I only put it together a little while ago."
"Will you tell her?" asks Catherine
"I don't know," replies Emily honestly.
"You told me," says Catherine, simply stating a fact.
Emily nods, "Yes I did."
"Do you regret it?" asks Catherine watching Emily's face.
"Not exactly," hedges Emily.
"Stop it with the non-answers Emily," says Catherine in frustration, "I would really appreciate a real answer."
Emily tilts her head as she considers the question, "I don't regret knowing that you are related to Jessie. I don't regret telling you about her. What I do regret is that Jessie's death destroyed your family. I regret that Jennifer had to raise you. I regret that I didn't even try to get in touch with her after Jessie died. I don't know what I could have done, or if I could have done anything, but maybe you would have grown up with me around. I would have found something that I could do. No child should ever have to raise another child."
For almost an hour Emily and Catherine lie on Emily's bed holding hands, comforting each other in complete silence.
Emily bites her lip before breaking the tranquility, "Catherine?"
"Yes Emmy?" asks Catherine, rolling her head towards the other woman.
She starts cautiously, "Do you blame Jessie for destroying your parents? For you not having a normal childhood?"
Catherine rolls her eyes, "I don't. How could I? She-"
Emily cuts her off, "It would be really easy for you to blame her Creirwy (kree-ree). She isn't here."
"Emily, she couldn't take it anymore, I know what that feels like. You probably know what that feels like. She didn't want to survive. No, I don't blame her. I have no idea what my life would have been like if Jessie had lived. I don't even know if I would have been born."
It is quiet for a few moments before Emily whispers sleepily, "It would be understandable if you did but I'm glad that you don't blame her," right before she falls asleep.
Catherine stays up for a while, just watching Emily sleep. Emily doesn't look peaceful, her forehead is wrinkled and her hands are clenched in fists. Catherine tries to sooth Emily while she sleeps, she runs her fingers through Emily's hair and tries to gently pry Emily's hands open without waking her up. It doesn't work and Catherine looks more and more worried as her efforts to calm Emily fail miserably.
It only takes a few more minutes before there are tears streaming down Emily's face. Catherine is still calling her name; trying desperately to wake Emily because nightmares only get worse the longer they go on with no end in sight.
"Matthew!" Emily screams, jolting upwards in bed before falling back down and curling up into a tiny trembling ball facing Catherine.
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant
filled with odd little waiters who bring you things
you never asked for and don't always like.
- Lemony Snicket
AN2: I have an out-take scene that didn't end up fitting in. If you would like to read it, please let me know.