A/N: cole, if you read this don't complain about stuff.

Chapter 3: blood dragon armor?

As the SR2 (back in) nam'mendy left the citadel, Sheppard made sure he left Cortez behind as the made the jump on the mass relay to the far rim, and then the skyrillan rim.

Sheppard sat down in the crew deck's table and yelled "LIARA!...where's that bitch? I need a SAMICH." She walked in and threw a plate full of crack in front of him and said "Sheppard, since we removed the unclean one from the ship, who will fly the shuttles?"

Before Sheppard could cuss her out, EDI interrupted and said "James Vega knows how to fly; perhaps you would allow him?" Sheppard's eyes went crossed as he said "so…I have the Mexican who drives like an Asian asari bitch flying me around and crashing into shit?"

EDI simply said "yes."

Sheppard shrugged and said "seems legit." As he kept eating his samich; Javik appeared out of nowhere and said "all right nigga!" everyone on the deck turned to him and yelled "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT JAVIK!"

Yeoman Kelly appeared and said "my sister owns a dog shelter!"

Someone in the background yelled "get this furfag out of here!" and they promptly began beating the shit out of her; she was yelling about backstory as they took her to the lower decks.

(later…)

As Sheppard got into the shuttle, he turned and said "tali, you get in the shuttle…and someone get mess sergeant gardener, let's see if he knows what to do." He turned around to see the sergeant teleport to him and say "DUAL CARNIFEXS….FUCK YEAH."

Sheppard shrugged and said "uhh…da fuck but ok."

(later…)

"SHIT JAMES! DON'T HIT THE FUCKNIG PLANET!" Sheppard yelled as he floated around the shuttle's bay from the 16 G's he was doing as he tried to run birds over; as Sheppard threw up, the shuttle slammed into the ground with intense force.

As Sheppard staggered out of the smoking wreck with James, Gardner and tali, a trooper in gray armor holding a pistol walked up and said "STOP! You violated the law! All your stolen goods are now FORFIT."

James, who was still afraid of being deported, promptly began sprinting for the hills, only to be hit with an arrow to the knee. Shortly afterward, the author of this story slit his throat for using that annoying meme.

Sheppard walked up to the trooper and said "hold on…I'm commander Sheppard, alliance navy. I was sent here to protect skyrillan rim from reaper attack!" the trooper looked at him and said "there are no reapers here…only the forces of aliduin!" (not looking up his name, not spellchecking.)(deal with it)

Sheppard shook his head and said "umm…if you're talking about that dragon from that old game, you're on something." The trooper pointed to the sky and yelled "DRAGON IN SKYRILLAN RIM! SOMEONE DESTROY THAT VILE BEAST!"

Sheppard looked up in the sky to see a reaper harvester flying backwards; he turned to tali and said "dis nigga serious?" he turned back to the trooper, only to see him get his head torn off by another harvester that landed behind him; Sheppard pulled out his pistol and fired one shot at the annoying reaper, which promptly exploded and showered him in spider jizz. Tali, who was wiping the stuff off of her visor said "that's pretty extreme…"

Gardener looked to the left and yelled "THEY HAVE GUNS!" pointing to a group of cannibals and husks that were charging them; Sheppard drew his M-8 to finish them off, but the mess sergeant held his hand up and said in a badass voice "I'll take them sir!"

Sunglasses fell out of the sky and landed on his head as he pulled out 2 m-76 revenants and began talking like a familiar 90's macho relic "I'm gonna kick your ass BITCH!"

Sheppard's eye crossed as he began flipping through the air, accidently killing savi0r of the earth who then raged and posted a half-page long rage in his recent story and called the author of this story "the most infuriating player on earth" for using a "powerful" (have to get within 2 feet) weapon.

As gardener landed, he drop-kicked a husk and said "your face…your ass…WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?"

He then had cake.

(later…)

As the mess sergeant sat down on the pile of bodies, a harvester flew up and tackled Sheppard; he pulled out his pistol and flipped the harvester off of him and shot it twice in the head. As it slunk to the ground, a random guard appeared and said "MY GOD! HE KILLED IT!"

"HE IS THE KROGAN BORNE!"

Sheppard looked at him and said "a what?"

The guard walked up and said "you…you are the krogan borne! You can stop the dragons; you can free the 2 legendary heroes, YOU CAN HAVE BONDAGE!"

Tali perked up upon hearing the last thing.

The commander shook his head and said "look…I just need to save you guys and SAVE FUCKING EARTH. Take me to whoever is running this crackhouse!" the guard pointed at a castle in the distance and said "whitecum is just over this hill! Walk you lazy fuck!"

Sheppard signaled to his followers as he headed over the hill.

As they walked down the road, Sheppard killed some bitch in a leather outfit and took her clothes; she handed them to tali and said "save this for our role-playing later tonight"

After he slaughtered some rabbits with a missile pod, he past a stable near whitecum; the air then filled with a sound that reminded him of a bunch of old men climaxing, or a out of tune tuba that was shoved up someone's ass while he was farting.

Both sounded about right.

He walked up to a townsperson and said "did you hear that?" the townsperson looked at him and said "oh, yeah…all the time, the hair on my back still stands up because every time I hear that I get raped, but it happens all the time."

Sheppard mouthed "OK" as he walked up to whitecum's gate and opened the door.

A/N: if anyone gives a shit, savi0r of the earth is one of my buddies, he got 4x teamed by my squad in BF3 and is pissed as shit, so much so he raged to MW3. Hey buddy, the guns I use are sub-par (MK3A1, MP-412) compared to their counterparts I could use (USAS-12, .44 magnum, G18, 1911, 870, 1014)

Whatever; I just can't belive he's still hung up on that. Oh, and I'm still posting chapters to my other stories so…yeah.

Review and maybe cole won't complain about something…jk he'll find something.

Still love you cole, no homo.

(really, no homo, until I cover you in my MK3A1 buckshot.)

(he's gonna get PISSED from my comments)