DW6: Shu l Wei Rebellion
Yeah i know i just decided to randomly type it in, i've never heard Zhenfu though.
It may seem that way but i dont despise shu just the..um..bias! (There was me thinking you were just a Zhenist)
I haven't actually read the novel. As a Wuist i wouldn't get far before wanting to resurrect LG and strangle him to death again.
I think i can now safely say this fic has gone insane. It went from Wu rantings to Wei randomness to a Liu Shan horror XD.
--
Elsewhere a billion miles away, well not really, the shuists were gathered in the mansion given to them by KOEI. Typical.
"If my father is the god of war does that make me the jesus of war?" Guan Ping questioned, honestly.
-No Answer-
"I miss my Xing Cai!", he whined. "By the time DW7 comes out in 2010 or so Liu Shan will be added. Oh the torture!"
"My baby Cai wields a fork and Ping-Ping carries a knife", Zhang Fei burped out. "If Liu Shan is added would he have a spoon?"
"Imagine being spanked with a spoon" Pang Tong said, visualising it in his mind.
"There's no justice that justice cant justice" Ma Chao started one of his justice speeches.
Zhuge Liang just sighed and shook his head.
"That doesn't make any sense!"
A half invisible Jiang Wei strolled into the mansion.
"Prime Minister!! Why did you let them cut me out!"
"Deng Ai" Yue Ying muttered
"Guan Yu! Are you licking your beard?" Liu Bei asked as he saw Guan Yu's tongue somehow half way down his beard.
"I dropped a mars bar in there the other day" Yu replied.
"Have you forgotten we're supposed to be ranting", Zhao Yun said. "You know? rant rant not blah blah"
"Whatever Yun-boy! Shu's downfall was all your fault! If you hadn't rescued my incompetent son we might have stood a chance."
"Child beater..."
"What was that?"
"I said i love you Lord Liu Bei!"
Liu Bei smiled and placed his hand on his chin, realising his goatee was gone he gasped.
"My Goatee! My precious goatee! Its gone...Why god? WHY?!"
Everyone else just rolled their eyes.
"Historically speaking i was 20-30 years older than Shang Xiang so i should look like an old man!"
"Pervert...", Huang Zhong muttered. "Even Lu Xun's wife wasn't that much younger."
"My Lord, I think you need to remember the game is based off the novel. I am a god after all" Liang smirked.
"So that explains why you two had so many lovey dovey scenes. Next thing you know she'll be drowning herself in that river, whatever it was called." Yun added.
Not wanting to talk about his shameful love life anymore Liu Bei finally decided to change the subject.
"I blame the loss at Yi Ling on that maze. It was so dark i couldn't see anything and kept walking into the walls. There's nothing virtuous about the dark!"
"Blame...Zhuge...Liang" a voice from the corner said, obviously Wei Yan.
Xing Cai and Liu Shan, who was holding a spoon toddled into the room disrupting the conversation. Cai walked over to Guan Ping and ruffled his hair.
"Pingy! Meet Shan-Shan. We're gonna to have a threesome."
Pings eyes widened in horror and disgust.
-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!-
"I think i killed him..."
--
Somewhere in Japan the Wei army minus Xu Zhu and Xiahou Dun were wandering around looking for KOEI so they could burn it down.
About a mile back Xu Zhu could be seen huffing and puffing whilst walking along the path.
"Too much running...wait up guys!" he coughed out, gasping for breath.
"Where is it! Where is KOEI!" Dian Wei roared.
"Here...It should be right here!" Cao Cao said, pointing to the ground.
Xu Zhu stumbled up to the rest of the group.
"My...Lord...KOEI...wont...exist...for...another...1700...or...so...years" he said, still gasping for breath.
"Shit!"
The weists sat down in a circle to once again begin ranting. Cao Cao however sat on Xu Zhu
"Hmm..What a comfy elephant"
"Father! Thats not an elephant its Xu Zhu!"
Cao Cao looked below him and stood up.
"Oopsy" he giggled covering his mouth with his hands.
Xu Zhu sat up and threw his burning torch onto the ground. Unfortunately for him the wind blew it a few inches away into a stream of petrol.
"Xu Zhu you moron!" Cao Pi yelled.
Zhang He jumped to his feet and started doing an exotic dance, floating his ribbons around.
"Oooh flames have no hold on me..."
He then bent down and attempted to kiss the flames, obviously burning his lips.
"Owie! That wasn't beautiful...that wasn't beautiful at all! My beautiful, beautiful lips" he sobbed.
"Who invented fire anyway?" Zhang Liao asked curiously
"I believe it was the english" Xu Huang replied.
"Darn those E...eu...eur...argh dammit!"
"We should rant while we burn to death" Cao Pi yawned, stretching his arms and relaxing.
"Why?" Luoshen asked.
"Its more dramatic."
"I wrote a letter to future KOEI. I will be killing Sima Yi in my final cutscene in DW7." Cao Cao announced.
"What?" Sima Yi gasped.
"Well i am the Hero of Chaos. I should be killing the villain."
"They wouldn't they love me! They showed Zhuge Liang dying at Wu Zhang Plains so they love me!"
"Im a fat Huang Zhong" Xiahou Yuan moaned.
All of a sudden the ravaging flames moved in evaporating the poor Wei souls. Several screams could be heard and a woman shrieking for just a few seconds. About five minutes later Xiahou Dun walked past having finally lost his fangirls. He raised an eyebrow as he saw several piles of ash in a circle.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"
--
Back at the Shu mansion Liu Shan was sucking his thumb and dribbling. Zhuge Liang looked up and saw his lord's heir acting like an idiot.
"Oh dear gods what is that retard Liu Shan doing here! Is the world so bad that i have to relive his idiocy in the fanfiction universe." he whined, waving his hands towards the heavens.
"Yeah, brother. Im tired of feeding him apple sauce for breakfast every morning. He's 25 for crying out loud!" Zhang Fei grunted.
Liu Shan dribbled some more and spat out a jar of apple sauce. Xing Cai just patted him on the head.
"He's not my son! He's not my son!" Liu Bei yelled banging his head on a table.
"Why. Oh why did i execute Feng?!"
"Dadada...Your funny." Liu Shan spat out.
Zhuge Liang clasped his hands together and began humming.
"What are you doing?" Liu Bei asked his strategist.
"Praying for something to take him away"
Liu Shan pulled out a 'padded' napkin and wiped the dribble from his mouth. Liu Bei just looked on in complete horror.
"What in the name of Shu are you doing with one of those?" Liu Bei asked his son, looking like he was about to faint.
"Cai-Cai gave me this cool napkin. It has really weird red blotty spots in the middle" he explained.
Liu Bei coughed and threw up multiple times before passing out.
--
Okay, amazingly i managed to fit all the shu guys in..I really didn't plan to kill Wei..honest! My plans just sorta changed half way through to fit in with a possible sequel.
Oddly enough i now love saying Luoshen and i've gone even further away from DW6 with insanity XD.