Early update - wouldn't be around to post tomorrow. Back to Thursday next week though.

disclaimer: sm owns twilight.

tissue warning.

-O-

December 1997

"Shit, this hurts," Angela complained as she shoved her crutches under her arms. "This will probably be the shittiest birthday ever." She was turning sixteen that day and although she was getting her license, it didn't make her situation any better. During one of her previous basketball games, she'd hurt her knee and had to have surgery. She only had two more weeks on her crutches, and then she would be using her new license to drive us all around our small town.

I shrugged, listening to her complain again. I was slightly jealous because I still had to wait until the next summer to get mine. "At least we have your party to look forward to this weekend." I tried to stay upbeat about the party, though I was extremely nervous. Ben invited all of his friends to her party, one of them being Jacob Black, and although he was cute, I had sworn myself off from all boys. I didn't want to have any of the feelings like I did with my crush on Edward.

"Yeah... it'll be cool." Whether she admitted it or not, she was looking forward to Ben staying over late and the possibility that he would sneak back to the party after all of the boys were forced to leave. Angela lived just outside of Salida on a large ranch. Her parents had a small rental house on the property, but it was empty at the time, which gave Angela the bright idea to have her party out there. Her house was a mile away, leaving us far enough away from adult supervision that we were being majorly trusted by her parents to make 'wise decisions'. We were allowed to have boys over, but only until midnight.

Ben was scared of Angela's dad, and for good reason, considering he had a shotgun inside his truck. Her dad would be the one to come kick out all of the guys at midnight, though he didn't know how brave they actually were, seeing as they had plans to sneak back onto the property.

"Jacob will be there."

"Don't remind me," I grimaced.

"He's cute, B... and he really likes you." Angela wanted me to start dating Jacob because she felt guilty that she was always going out on dates with Ben, while I was stuck at home. I didn't mind though and no matter how many times I told her, she didn't believe me.

"B, I love you, but you do know that Edward Cullen is probably going out with a different girl every night. There's no reason to be so stuck on him still. We'll probably never see him again." And I knew we probably wouldn't. His parents had just put their house up for sale and had plans to move back to Texas, where Dr. Cullen would reopen his practice. The only reason they had moved to Salida was to be with Dr. Cullen's mother, who was sick. Since she'd died the year before Edward graduated, they really had no reason to stay there, especially since Edward had left for college.

Regardless, I was still hung up on him.

I slammed my locker shut, balancing both my set of books and Angela's, as we made our way to second period. "I just don't like Jacob. He's cocky and... huge and... I just don't like him." I liked muscular guys, but Jacob looked like he was the spokesperson for steroids.

"Well, give the guy a chance. Or give any guy a chance."

"I will," I complied, lying to get off of the subject.

The rest of the day passed by quickly; after school, Angela's mom picked us up, took Angela to get her license, and then we all went out for a celebratory dinner. When I got home that night, my dad was sitting on the couch, feet perched up on the coffee table as he flipped through the sports channels.

"Bells, would you do the dishes before you go to bed?" he asked, forgetting to even say 'hello' to me.

I didn't mind doing chores, but it would have been nice for him to acknowledge me in some other way. Since my mom had been upset so lately, I kind of... needed my father, but he never realized it.

"Sure," I answered unenthusiastically.

Life wasn't too good for me at home during that time. I loved my parents, especially my mom, but everything just kind of sucked. I felt guilty for avoiding home as much as possible, but when I was there, I hated it. I hated my dad's quiet, gruff behavior, and I hated that my mom was depressed.

I finished the dishes in record time and went to my room to study for my test the next day. And another night had passed by without my parents saying goodnight to me. I felt alone.

-O-

"Truth or dare, Bella?" Mike asked.

I usually picked truth every time for that game because picking 'dare' would have given them a reason to make me do something entirely too outgoing for my shy teenage self. And if I picked truth, it would be a question about my virginity or something of that nature. Either way I was screwed.

"Truth," I sighed.

"Have you ever seen a dick before?"

Oh. My. God. My face was burning and that night flashed in my head. I looked to Angela as my ears burned along with my face. "Yes."

Everyone laughed and scoffed because I was innocent Isabella Swan, the coach's daughter who never had a boyfriend. Where on earth would I ever have seen a dick? Was I peeping on someone like a creep? Did someone flash me? So many questions were being thrown at me as I stuttered my answer.

"Come on, B... whose was it?" Jacob asked, raising one eyebrow. That pervert probably wanted to whip his out for me. "Wait, I bet it was one of those raunchy pornos, huh? It's always the quiet ones..."

"Edward Cullen," I blurted out in order to avoid the annoying jokes about "the quiet ones". Plus, I knew I would probably never see him again, so I said my answer without another thought.

"What?" Everyone yelled all at once. Ben was busy laughing uncontrollably; making sure to point out that the color of my face matched my maroon sweater. Asshole.

Taking a deep breath, I explained. "Last year, after one of the games, I was looking for Angela –it was the party at Ben's house–and I opened one of the doors to find Lauren Mallory going down on Edward."

"Oh my God!" Erin squealed. "What did you do? What did they do?"

I wanted to throw up all over again. "I was in shock... and Lauren... well, she didn't even notice because she kept going at it. And Edward... he gasped, but I don't know if it was because he was caught or from, you know..."

Blah.

"Gah, I miss having him to look at," Courtney mumbled, and all the girls agreed with her. The guys rolled their eyes, only because they were jealous; they were all glad to see Edward leave so they could have some of the attention back on them. One of the girls mentioned that her sister, who graduated with Edward, had kept in touch with him and he really hated school.

By the end of the night, Mike ended up offering to let me see his dick so I could, and I quote, "Get over Edward's lame dick." Many times, I had to turn down his offer. Ben offered to punch him out for me, and I almost took him up on that offer, but he wasn't really worth it.

Following her parents' rules, Angela kicked the guys out at midnight. Her dad stopped by thirty minutes later, just to make sure we were doing okay, although he was really just making sure the guys were gone. All the big talk from Ben, saying he was going to sneak back to the house... they opted not to do that after all.

I awkwardly listened to the girls talk about... girly things. Pedicures and manicures and shoe shopping. I felt stupid, not knowing half of the brands of shoes they were talking about. It made me feel like less of a girl because I thought of a shoe as a shoe. I wondered if maybe that's why a guy like Edward would never be interested in a girl like me.

"Love you, B," Angela said, laying down beside me on one of the many sleep bags thrown on the floor. "Best friends 'til the day we die," she whispered, wrapping her pinkie finger around mine.

"Quit getting all serious on me," I said, nudging her elbow with mine. "I hate when you bring up death."

"It's going to happen one day. One day, I'm going to be this old ass woman, surrounded by my kids and your kids... because yes, I'll be their favorite auntie... and hopefully I'll be able to drag your old, cranky ass along with me."

"You die, I die," I agreed. "And I'm not going to be cranky, by the way!"

We giggled and talked some more, enjoying her sixteenth birthday party, already making plans for our twenty first birthday party. We didn't know what our future held, but whatever happened, we would be doing it together. She was my sister.

-O-

January 1998

"Okay, so I'll pick you up in like twenty minutes. Wear your v-neck black top and jeans... that'll look super cute. And Andrew will appreciate the low-cut shirt." Andrew was the latest guy Ben and Angela were trying to set me up with. He was one of Ben's good friends and though he didn't play basketball, he was one of the best cross-country runners we had. Not a bulky guy, but masculine and lean. Like Edward...and not like Jake.

"All right, I will," I said as I stepped inside Seth's truck. My mom was still at work in Port Angeles, so Seth offered to pick me up. My plan was to go home with Angela, but Seth insisted that he was going to take me home since he took off from work a few minutes early when my mom called him. My dad couldn't leave because he had a JV game starting an hour after school was dismissed.

Angela waved to Seth and hollered that she'd see me later as she walked to her car. It was our first day back from Christmas break and also the first day that she was able to actually drive to and from school, since she didn't have her leg in a brace anymore. I was dying to drive.

"Thanks for picking me up, Seth."

"No problem, B. I wanted to talk to you anyway."

Seth pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road, right behind Angela. "Claire wanted me to ask you if you'd consider being a bridesmaid. And she said to assure you that it's not an ugly dress."

I wanted to comment on the fact that she could have asked me herself. I knew Seth was forcing her to make me a bridesmaid, considering she absolutely hated me. Emily, Paul's wife, agreed with me when it came to Claire – she was a bitch and didn't deserve my brother. "Absolutely." I didn't want to hurt my brother's feelings.

We pulled up to a long line of cars at the stop sign, waiting to turn onto the main road. Angela was still in front of us, and I waved as she smiled giddily at us through the rearview mirror. Seth waved, too, and chuckled, commenting that I didn't have much longer until I would be driving. The next few minutes happened in slow motion. Each second burned into my head, changing my life forever.

Angela was at the front of the line, waiting to cross onto the highway, and instead of stopping at the stop sign, she rolled right through it. I noticed that she was looking down at something, and even though she couldn't hear me, I screamed for her to look up–to see the huge farm truck headed right for her–but she never looked up.

The truck didn't have a chance to slam on its brakes. It collided with her side of the new red Mustang that her parents had bought her just a month prior. I could not breathe. I could only scream and watch as her car was crumpled by the truck.

Ignoring Seth's demands to stay inside the truck, I unbuckled my seatbelt and threw open my door. I didn't know what I was going to do when I reached her car, but I couldn't just sit there and watch. When the skidding vehicles came to a stop, the truck was still upright, but very damaged, landing in a bank of snow. Angela's car... well, it didn't even look like a car. It was just twisted metal. The car landed in a ditch on its side, the driver's side on the ground.

"Bella, stop!" Seth yelled, his voice getting closer to me as I ran toward her car, screaming her name. I'd never run so fast in my entire life. "You need to stay back!"

"I have to help her!" I sobbed, panting as I tried to catch my breath.

Seth grabbed my arm and pulled me to his body, not letting me get away from him. "Bell, just let me go over there. You need to call nine-one-one." Seth was the only person in our family to have a cellular phone and I had never been so thankful for that thing.

My hands shook as I dialed the three numbers. I tried to focus on what I was going to tell the operator, but Angela's car was smoking profusely and all I could think of doing was praying that it didn't catch on fire. I knew she was stuck in there and it would probably talk a while to get her out. She had to be alive though, I kept telling myself that, over and over again. I needed her too much.

"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?"

"My friend... she was in an accident!" I practically screamed, wondering how long it would take for the ambulance to get to her.

"Okay, try to stay calm. What's your name and what's your location?"

"I'm Bella," I managed to say in a panicked voice. "We're at the intersection of Holman and Rainbow road... in Salida."

"And are you hurt, Bella?"

"No. I... my friend is."

"Are you trapped inside the car with your friend? Is she conscious?"

"I was in the car behind her. My brother's with her right now. I don't know if she's conscious." People ran past me – most of them students and a few teachers that witnessed the wreck. We were only a mile or so from the school.

As I hoarsely informed the operator of the information that I had, everyone was trying to help my brother get to Angela. Unable to hold back any longer, I handed off the cell phone to one of the people standing by me and ran to the car. Seth screamed at me to stay back, again, but I didn't listen. And I really should have because the scene before me was one I would never forget. Before I could catch myself, I fell to the ground.

-O-

"Sweetheart, it's time." Even though she was still depressed, my mom was there for me in every way possible. I didn't let anyone in, though. I wanted to hide away from everything. Life no longer held an exciting future for me because I was alone.

I don't remember getting dressed. I don't remember my mom brushing my hair. And I don't remember my dad guiding me out to the car. I was a zombie, which was likely due to the medication Dr. Cullen prescribed me in the emergency room when I woke up from my blackout. Any other time, I would have been giddy from the fact that Edward's dad was near me. As I pretended to be asleep, not ready to wake up to my nightmare, I heard my dad discussing Edward with Dr. Cullen. They had just gotten back from staying at their home in Texas for the holidays. For the first time in my life, I didn't care one bit about what was going on with Edward.

My entire family loaded into my dad's Suburban, mindful of the hateful look on my face as they avoided sitting near me. Emily, who wasn't afraid of me whatsoever, sat next to me. I flinched when she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

The ride to the church was a short one – you could be anywhere in our small town within minutes. I stared out the window, wondering why I couldn't cry. Had I cried out everything? What would everyone think when I arrived, no tears in my eyes like everyone else?

"I think your friends are sitting together, Bella... so if you want to sit with all of them, we'll just find you after the service." My dad hadn't said much to me; he was never good with emotional stuff. I hated him for it. He could tell me where my friends would be, but he couldn't just... comfort me?

I didn't have friends. Sure, they talked to me in school, but they weren't my friends. She was my best friend, and I didn't have her anymore. What would school be like? I couldn't fathom enduring school without her.

I didn't get to say goodbye to her. I didn't get to tell her that I was so mad at her for leaving me. And I didn't get to tell her that I loved her more than my actual siblings. She was more of a sister to me than my brothers ever were brotherly toward me.

Instead of telling my dad that I would rather sit with my family, I nodded. I hadn't spoken a word to anyone since waking up after the accident.

Once we arrived at the church, my dad dropped us off at the front while he went to look for a parking spot. From the looks of it, the entire town of Salida was present, which wasn't surprising. Everyone loved her; her family was well-respected and just good people. They would help anyone out, even if they were strangers. All of those good deeds... and this was what they received in return? Their only child gone?

I was fucking mad. I couldn't breathe. Again.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Mike said as I stepped inside the church. My mom and Emily stood on either side of me as I gripped Emily's hand.

I nodded, still silent, not ready to talk yet.

As we sat through the service, my mother, sister-in-law, and the witch-soon-to-be sister-in-law bawled. We listened to sad songs and her mother's loud sobs, just a few feet away from her body inside the closed casket. We were told to sit right behind her parents; even though we weren't actually related, we were considered family. It was hard sitting right behind her mother. I kept beating myself up inside, wishing I could force out one tear. Just one. To show everyone that I hadn't lost my fucking mind. Of course I missed her... I knew her better than anyone in that room.

I felt worthless.

I didn't cry when I woke up at the hospital. I just knew she was gone when I saw her inside that car. Seth was screaming at her to stay awake and when her eyes closed, she left us. They flew her to the hospital, and even tried surgery to stop the bleeding, but nothing worked. Her injuries were irreparable.

"I killed her," her mom said, whispering loudly to her husband. "I shouldn't have let her drive... she had taken a pain pill a few nights ago... God, why did I let her drive? It was still in her system, Danny!"

The preacher glanced over at the grieving parents as he read through his long speech, telling us that she is in a better place now... no pain... no sadness... I listened to his words, but I just couldn't comprehend them at the time.

As if we weren't missing her enough, a slideshow was put together. Various pictures streamed across the large screen – baby photos, holding up her first tooth that she lost, our first day of kindergarten – the day we both wore purple corduroy pants and decided we would be best friends forever, and several others. The last sets of photos were the most recent. Her birthday party and the day her parents surprised her with the shiny new Mustang. I hated that car.

Once the service was over, everyone exited the church to head over to the cemetery while the family stayed inside the church to say their final goodbyes. My mom held my arm and led us to follow behind the immediate family. They wanted me to say goodbye to her, saying I needed closure. That was laughable, though.

"Go on inside, sweetie," Danny said softly. Her parents decided to go in last so they could say goodbye privately. I didn't know if I was ready to see her, but with no way to escape, I was pushed toward the casket that was now open. I had seen dead bodies before, but they were always old. But she just looked like she was sleep, aside from the bruising on the side of her face that they didn't cover up very well.

I took a deep breath as I dropped her necklace inside. She'd forgotten it over at my house the day before the accident. It was half of a heart; she had 'best' and I had 'friends'. It hit me then, that I would never see her again. I wouldn't wake up the next day and this all just be a horrible nightmare. It was real and she was gone.

Angela, my best friend, was gone.

I sobbed as my fists hit the casket, asking her why she didn't stop at the damn intersection. She left me. What was I going to do now?

My dad practically carried me out of the church, and rather than attend the burial service, we went home. I was having a panic attack that could not be stopped. A pill was forced down my throat, something to help calm me, and it worked eventually, letting me sleep away the rest of the day.

-O-

The day after the funeral, I sat at my desk; I was supposed to be going through the stack of homework I needed to make up after missing an entire week of school, but instead, I checked my email. To say that I was shocked to find an email from him would be an understatement.

Bella,

I hope you don't mind, but I got your email from Ben. My parents told me about Angela, and I know we didn't know each other that well, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about her. She was a very sweet girl, and from what I've heard, a very good friend to you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,

Edward

I read over his email a few times before it sank in that Edward Cullen was actually making contact with me. And I had no one to share it with. I felt stupid because it sent my heart into overdrive that he thought of me, but a second later, I found myself deleting it. Edward Cullen and everyone else could disappear for all I cared, and it wouldn't matter one bit.

Nothing mattered anymore.

Thoughts? Sorry for the sadness/angst.

This chapter is dedicated to the best friend I ever had - Amy Jo.

Thanks to my redpen friend, Jen_328, and my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. Love you girls.

Thanks for reading! Next chapter will post next Thursday. Do you guys have ficrecs for me? I'm still loving My Perfect Mr Imperfect by xrxdanixrx - I have several more that I'm reading, but my brain isn't working properly tonight. ;) Reviewers will get a teaser for the next chapter - hoping you guys are still around to read after this chapter.

See ya next week!