Remus Lupin joined the three of them sometime around eleven. There were deep shadows under his eyes, but to Lily he looked as young as he had when they left Hogwarts four years ago. "Everyone's frantic," he told them. "But in a good way, this time." Apparently, Voldemort's followers had been captured or fled. Trials were already being set up. "Nothing'll happen to Lucius Malfoy, of course," Remus had said in an undertone. "Too much influence on the Ministry."
"Damn shame. Would've liked to see old Lucius trying to defend himself on the chair," Sirius mused. "I bet quite a lot of wizards would have testimony against him."
"Not if he's blackmailed them into silence, they wouldn't," James put in darkly.
"Oh, I'm sure he has." Remus took a swig of Firewhiskey.
"Where's Wormtail?" James asked. "Haven't seen him for a while. Heard anything about him?"
Remus shook his head. "No. I asked Alastor, but he hadn't heard anything either. Said he feared the worst." He sighed. "Merlin knows how many deaths we aren't even aware of yet."
Flames crackled on the hearth, throwing shadows across the carpet. Every so often someone yelled from outside. The gathering inside the Potters' home seemed oddly subdued by comparison.
"What about the others?" Lily asked, and out of the corner of her eye she saw James throw her a quick, furtive glance.
Remus considered. "Hmmm…well, MacNair won't be in too much trouble. Same as Lucius, too many connections."
"What's happened to Neville?" James interjected.
"We got the boy to safety. Took him to his grandmother's house—she's a formidable witch, he'll be quite safe there. Rubeus Hagrid took him."
"You mean they trusted that blundering giant with a baby?" James said in disbelief, and broke off when he caught Lily glaring at him. "I mean, well…sorry, it's just…I can't help picturing him sitting on Neville." He tried a weak smile, but she didn't return it.
Instead she turned back to Remus. "But how did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named find out where Alice and Frank lived?" It felt wrong to be referring to the two of them in the past tense. "I thought they were under protection. I thought they had a Secret-Keeper…" She trailed off as she realized how little she had known about any of this. She didn't even known who their Secret-Keeper had been. Well, obviously. That was the entire point of having a Secret-Keeper—their identity was secret.
"Clearly that Secret-Keeper couldn't keep his mouth shut," Sirius said angrily. "Couldn't you have gotten ahold of Albus to ask him who it was? The little rat should be punished."
Remus shook his head. "He was in too much of a hurry. I got the sense that he wasn't even sure himself what had happened—no one's sure of anything, quite yet. He knew who their Secret-Keeper was, definitely—he's the one who suggested him. But all the while he looked like he couldn't quite believe it. And I certainly wasn't going to pester him about it, not when so much else was going on."
Lily stared into the fire, too, watching the flames curl and dance, their movement matching the leaping in her stomach. Her body still felt abuzz. Could she believe it? But she was thinking of something else entirely—not the identity of the Longbottoms' Secret-Keeper, but what she had heard on the radio. She let her mind drift, picturing Severus's face as she had seen it during their last day of Hogwarts, the excitement in his features as he looked in the direction of the grounds. He hadn't noticed her watching him. He was too busy thinking—probably contemplating the glory he would gain serving Voldemort. Was it really possible that he had switched sides and been working with Dumbledore? And why? It made no sense to her.
But she didn't dare pursue the question—Remus clearly knew nothing else, and James's expression was growing more sour by the minute. This was ridiculous. They should be celebrating. Voldemort had been defeated. His supporters were captured or in hiding. But though the noise of jubilation echoed from outside, all she saw on the faces of her companions was exhaustion, and in the case of James, suspicion and disbelief. Remus's gaze met hers for a moment and she looked away quickly, not wanting him to see what she might be thinking.
"I'm getting some Firewhiskey," she announced, rising from the sofa. "Anyone else want some?"
Remus and James both raised a hand. "Me," they said in unison.
In the kitchen, she hesitated, one hand on the cabinet door. James had told her he'd stopped baiting and attacking Severus in their final year at school, but whenever she thought about it, she couldn't remember ever seeing them in the same room together without half the school also being present. If it had just been Severus, and James, and Sirius…with maybe Remus or Peter thrown in…what would have happened? Going by what James had said, nothing. But Lily wasn't so sure—the expression she had just seen on her husband's face was not the expression of a man willing to let sleeping dogs lie.
Maybe you should let sleeping dogs lie, she thought to herself. After all, he hasn't been your friend for years. And he never really was in the first place. What kind of friend calls you a Mudblood?
What kind of boyfriend lies to you about attacking the same old friend? a very different voice spoke up. She shook her head and opened the cabinet door. Happily, there were plenty of bottles of Firewhiskey. She took one—then paused. It might have been a trick of the light, but it looked like one of the bottles way at the back wasn't quite full. She reached back and pulled out three of the bottles from the darkness at the rear of the shelf. And got a shock: they had all been opened, and were in varying stages of emptiness.
Well, if James had been drinking a little more, it was understandable. The stress at the Order had been unbelievable lately. She gnawed her lip, staring at the bottles. But it was odd that he would have tried to conceal it; he would have known she'd never look back here. When she did drink Firewhiskey she didn't normally go rooting around in the back of the cabinet.
"Lily, what are you doing?" James's voice came from the sitting room.
"Nothing!" she called back, and shoved the half-empty bottles back far into the cabinet, where they belonged.
Lily awoke, sweating. Her dream was already fading from her memory, the faces and events petering out into the stillness of the morning. The sun had just risen, the soft grey light of dawn filtering through the curtains. The air was utterly still.
James lay snoring beside her, and she glanced over at him, the events of the previous night and early morning coming back to her in a haze. The conversations with Sirius and Remus, their eventual leave-taking, her and James's drunken, almost violent lovemaking that had ensued afterwards. She ran her hands up and down her arms, trying to get warm. She and James hadn't slept together for over a month before last night, and as the memory leaked into her head it seemed strange to her, like the event had happened to someone else. At one point James had whispered into her ear, "Let's make our own Neville," and she'd cast the contraceptive spell quickly and silently so he wouldn't notice. He would be disappointed, she thought. It wasn't that she didn't want children. It was just that something in her seemed to be telling her to wait, to slow down, to contemplate whether she really wanted to have children now. With this man.
Stop it, she thought, annoyed with herself, with the train of thought she seemed to be headed down. Who else would you have children with? It's not like you have a lover or anything. James is your past and your present. And your future.
Except he wasn't the only person in her past. Or, as it now seemed, her present.
Lily slid out of bed and headed for the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. All the while she felt strangely tentative. She lay her hairbrush down gently on the table when she was done with it. It was as though any sudden movement or loud noise would shatter the new reality that had descended the previous evening, and spirit her back to forty-eight hours ago, when the war was on and families were being slaughtered left and right.
She got dressed and, with another quick glance at James's sleeping form, crept quietly down the stairs. They creaked at the bottom and she felt like some kid sneaking out while her parents were asleep. But she wasn't a child, and James wasn't her parent. She could come and go as she pleased. So she didn't know why she couldn't shake the odd, furtive feeling that had settled on her.
It was colder outside than she had expected, but she welcomed the cool autumn air. The morning was still and silent—the neighbors were probably sleeping off last night's celebration, she thought dryly. As was James. She should be too, judging by the amount of Firewhiskey she had consumed the previous evening, but strangely enough, her head felt clear. Maybe it was the chill in the air. Her short hair fluttered about her jaw and she pushed it back impatiently.
Without really knowing where she was going, she found herself in the park. The walk to it seemed to take much less time when she was alone. She stood at the entryway, looking up at the branches of the trees, which resembled bones scratching against the slate-gray sky. Each inhalation of air felt like she was dipping her head into an icy pool of water. Bringing with it clarity, and calm.
Then, behind her, someone inhaled sharply. It was the sound of someone so surprised he thinks he might be imagining things.
She whirled around and met the man's stunned gaze. It was almost surreal to see him, since he had appeared in her mind so often over the past day…and, if she was honest with herself, longer.
"Severus," she said, and was surprised that her tone was so measured and even. Couldn't he hear her heart hammering, even through the thick layer of her sweater?
His eyes had widened in shock. His nose was as hooked and beak-like as ever, although his face was thinner than she remembered. The cloak he wore was long, trailing to the ground like liquid darkness.
"Don't run," he said quickly. "Did you hear the radio?" She must have; otherwise she'd be trying to curse him and screaming all at the same time.
"I know," she said, still feeling her heartbeat thudding in her ears. "You gave me a fright, though."
"Who else knows?" He was frowning now, his gaze still fixed on hers. "Who was in the room when my name was mentioned?"
"Nobody but James and me."
He looked relieved for a few seconds, and then her words seemed to sink in. "You're living with him now." And something in his face shut down. Lily watched his gaze dart away, his body tense up, like everything in him was trying not to walk away but losing the battle against his damnable pride. Oh, stop it, Severus, she thought as he took a step backwards. She wasn't even aware of walking forwards until her hand closed around his arm. He stiffened, not turning around.
"What are you doing here?" she said. "Why did you switch sides?" And, unasked, Did you REALLY switch sides?
Severus didn't reply. His eyes shifted back and forth over her face, as if gauging her trust. They were darker than she remembered. "Tell me!"
He snatched his arm away like her touch burned him, but his expression softened somewhat when she flinched. Lily knew she should go back home. What was she doing, standing outside the park with Severus Snape, whom she hadn't spoken to for four years, when her husband was probably just waking up and wondering where she was? But the thought of James seemed alien right now, like an intrusive thumb pushing into her skull. As though she were asleep and someone's loud, irritating voice from the waking world were forcing itself into her dream.
This time he really did take a step away. "Isn't your husband waiting for you?"
"Are you really going to be like that?" She felt her blood pressure rising. "You show up here, outside the park, like you're waiting for me, and you just want to storm off and leave, without any explanation?"
"I don't owe you, or anyone other than Dumbledore, an explanation." Then his tone softened. "I can only say…I regret beyond words what I did as a younger man, the people I associated with. The glory and power I thought those things would bring me. I regret it more than I can say."
Lily had no idea how to respond.
"I didn't expect you to show up," he continued.
"That makes two of us," Lily said, almost to herself. As he turned to glance in the opposite direction she noticed a long red cut stretching up his neck, nicking the edge of his jaw. She caught her breath at the sight, and something in her heart clenched. Too late she realized his gaze had shifted to hers again, and when his eyes found her own, she felt as if she were looking into two great pools of darkness. This time she felt a different sort of invasion, one she was helpless against, as she had never learned Occlumency. "Stop it," she hissed, and the next second he was gone from her mind.
She wrenched her eyes away. "How dare you," she bit out. "You just show up here and rifle through my skull like it's your personal filing cabinet?"
"I'm sorry," he said, and he seemed to mean it. His expression had changed. She wondered how much he had seen. Maybe he had just entered her thoughts to know if she was going to curse him. Maybe she was getting mad over nothing. But what had floated to the forefront of her mind as he had done so was the image of James, or what was supposed to be James, as she hadn't quite been able to picture his face. Just a sort of blankness under a mop of untidy black hair. And now Severus was looking at her with something almost like hope.
James had probably woken by now, was waiting for her with impatience that would soon turn to worry. She needed to tell Severus that she had to get back, had to make her husband coffee, couldn't waste any more time with a boy she had once called a friend. She opened her mouth to say this.
"Will you walk with me?" was what ended up coming out instead.
"Lily," he began, and the coldness in his voice, and the longing underneath it, made her heart clench again. And begin to beat faster. "I didn't come all the way out here to waste your time."
"Sev!" The old nickname slipped out before she could catch herself. His eyes flickered at the sound of it.
"I would like to walk with you," he said, that hope edging into his voice again. Albeit cautious. Guarded. "But I think you know that."
"So that's why you came back." She began to smile. "To take a walk. Don't you have business with the Order?"
His arm twitched. "No one other than Dumbledore knows of my involvement. And most of them would want nothing to do with me even if they did."
"Isn't that better than them thinking you're a Death Eater?"
"They'll find out the truth eventually," he mused. "There'll be a trial, of course. Dumbledore arranged it himself. They will have 'captured' me"—his voice dripped with disdain—"and then Albus will step in and declare my innocence. Upon hearing this, half of the members of the Order will drop dead of heart attacks." He shrugged. "Oh well. Good thing not as many people are needed anymore."
Lily fought back a smile at his words, at the hint of the sarcastic humor she remembered from the Severus of years ago. "And you really won't tell me why you came to our side?"
"There's nothing to tell, really." But Lily got the feeling he wasn't saying everything. "I don't know how that damn radio announcer got his information about me…someone must have glimpsed me before I disapparated. Hopefully he was gagged and muzzled after that one slip. Dumbledore knew my involvement was to be kept secret until the very end…and, if possible, longer."
"Until the trial," Lily reminded him. Though he didn't seem to need reminding. He seemed as if his thoughts had gotten caught on a particular detail, in something he had been saying, and Lily realized what when he glanced away again. He was looking in the direction of the houses down the street and now his eyes were hard. "So you heard the news with James? What a merry little conversation must have ensued. A veritable choir of suspicion, probably." He was cutting, Lily realized with a chill, uncomfortably close to the truth. Hinting that she wouldn't have dared defend Severus to James's face, even if she had believed the radio announcer about him working for the Order.
"We were interrupted soon after by Sirius and Remus." As she spoke, Severus's frown deepened. Maybe mentioning them was a mistake. "There wasn't much time to dwell on you, really."
"Do you believe me?" He still wasn't looking at her. "Or do you agree with your husband—that I'm really still a Death Eater, lying, trying to save my own skin, and have somehow bewitched Albus Dumbledore and all the members of the Order into thinking I'm on their side?"
"If I could perform Legilimency on you, you wouldn't even need to ask that."
He turned to her with something like a smile tugging on one corner of his mouth. "But you can't. And I'm asking you."
"You could just look into my mind and see the answer," she replied. "So why are you even asking me?"
"I want to hear you say it." He was tense, she realized, prepared for her to say she did possibly agree with the others. She had always been on their side, after all, at least after fifth year and that disaster. But she let that slide from her mind.
"I do believe you," she said finally. "I'm not sure why. And I'm probably being very stupid. But I do."
"No, as a matter of fact you're very smart," he replied, smiling a bit more now. His eyes seemed slightly less cold. "Much smarter than those bumblers you were with last night, who, if they had all heard the announcement, would still refuse to believe the truth, always sticking to old grudges and old prejudices." His tone indicated that this was something he fully expected from the wizarding community after the trial commenced. Perhaps he was picturing everyone from Order members to random witches on the street railing against him. Insisting that he was and would be a greasy git, a dark wizard, till the day he died.
Lily started when she realized she had been imagining this last in James's voice.
Severus continued, "You're too good for them." Although what Lily heard underneath that, what she saw in his eyes, was You're too good for him.
And she hated it, but inwardly, again, she had to agree with him.
A/N: Please review!