Series: The Sound of White
Title: (3) Untitled
Rating: T
Pairing: Addison/Alex
Theme: Instead
Series Summary: Unrelated musings on what never was, and may never be for Addison & Alex.
Vignette Summary: His voice grinds into her, and she does not understand how it can affect her so deeply--how he can hurt her so damn much when she has known from the start that Dr. Alex Karev is more than capable of doing such a thing. Contains elements of 3x21 ("Desire").
Note: Sorry about the wait for this, I just had to make a creative decision regarding the rest of this series, and have chosen this will be the final vignette. In a way, it is the best way to end it because of the direction this one takes. This is partially in response to a request made by addisonkarev regarding episode 3x21 ("Desire"). If said person didn't have this in mind, let me know so I can look into your request again ;)
Read, Review, Enjoy.
The wind carries his words, sweeps it through her illustrious red hair, chills her like the destruction his statement has struck down on her.
"You're not my girlfriend."
His voice grinds into her, and she does not understand how it can affect her so deeply--how he can hurt her so damn much when she has known from the start that Dr. Alex Karev is more than capable of doing such a thing. She had also felt him to have the capacity to love and feel, and no matter the alarms that went off, that imperceptible part of him was the one she chose to believe in.
She takes a deep intake of breath, and closes her eyes for a moment whilst pulling the lapels of her coat closer, in an attempt to warm herself.
But she can still hear his voice, hear him saying her name, so she shakes her head, trying to shake him from her thoughts, but it persists. The voice becomes crystal-clear, though, and she spins around to confirm that he is in fact calling her.
"Addison!" he has walked ten feet from the entrance, and another ten would put him within arms distance of her.
"Yes, Karev?" she questions as calmly as her voice will allow.
Addison has always been good at maintaining her composure, at not exposing any emotion that could take her on dangerous paths. Dr. Karev has already seen dismantled fragments of her, been witness to her lust, experienced her desires. And only a moment ago thrust her into a state of self-doubt and self-chastisement--but she had not allowed him to see it, and neither would she now.
He stands in place for a few seconds, his hands are in small fists, and the expressions of confusion on his face project the internal battle occurring within him. She cocks an eyebrow, and crosses her hands over her chest as she impatiently waits for him to answer. But the moment is too long, and she decides she cannot risk another emotional assault, so she exhales.
"Karev, if you don't mind, I have a cozy hotel room to get to."
She expects a retort or something of the sort, but he only walks closer towards her. She shifts her feet, adjusts her purse and looks him head-on.
"Here's the thing, " he says in a whisper when he arrives within four feet of her, "none of this makes sense."
The words match the perplexing look on his features, and she knows exactly what he means.
"When we almost kissed, you apologized. When we did kiss, you avoided me. You made a pact with Sloan, and you jumped me. So when you walk up to me, and ask me up to your hotel room, what the hell am I supposed to think?."
There's a hint of anger in his words, but he's able to go without screaming, just keeps his cool. What is really impressionable, however, is the variety of heavy truths voiced by him of all people, but she is aware that her mixed signals have derived from somewhere.
"And you're just as easy to figure out, Karev," she matches his tone.
He scoffs, and a morose chuckle follows. He tilts his head, turns it to the ground, and puts his hands on his hips.
"I'm not used to this back and forth thing, Addison," he says as he stares at the concrete keeping their feet grounded.
"Well, I've been yanked around quite a bit. It's nothing that should surprise me--or effect me anymore, but…" she shrugs and averts her eyes to the night surrounding them.
Alex brings his head up slowly and studies her. The wind has calmed down, so for the most part her red hair sits in place, serving to frame her face. Her fingers tap either arm, her foot does the same to the ground, and her mouth keeps opening the tiniest bit, only to close quickly.
But her eyes, tonight they look a bright green, with the moon contrasting their glow. Her act of tenacity is more than an act--she is strong and formidable, but those very assets have faults in and of themselves. Rarely does she expose her sadness, pain, or anger. The latter of the three she is prone to showing more, but it's all the culmination of hiding her hurt. When she does come to show her hurt, however, it boils out into every aspect of her. It builds up, is held in for far too long, until enough is enough and she explodes.
If she only wasn't so afraid to let her tenacity fall on a more healthy basis, she wouldn't break so often.
"But you're still human," he finishes for her.
She chuckles and turns her eyes to his, "yep."
Her little smile, that manages to reach her eyes, brings a small smile to his lips.
"If it helps, I'm just as scared shitless. I mean, dude, you got me to take a real look at how I feel about Izzie--and how I don't. You made me re-think plastics. And when I see you, I get what Ava calls this dorky little smile while my eyes go big."
At this, Addison genuinely laughs, and Alex finds himself laughing as well. He never thought he'd say these things aloud, especially not to her, but the sound of her laugh stifles the embarrassment he feels--softens the dying of his egotism.
"Well-phrased, Alex," she runs a hand through her hair, and rolls her eyes mockingly.
He nods in agreement, and watches her inch towards him.
"But what does that mean for our…situation?"
He shrugs, because he knows just as well as her that there are a dozen other things to figure out, and nothing is ever as simple as 'boy meets girl.'
"Depends on what it means to you."
She straightens her posture and inhales deeply. She shifts her eyes right and left, depicting the way he's looking at her, and wondering just how deep his feelings run for her. If they run as deep as the feelings she holds for him.
"I have a lot of hope for you, Karev, and I'm tired of being disappointed. But you come out here, tell me I'm the one confusing you, and…I think it means that neither of us knows how to handle what we feel," she pauses momentarily and Alex finds himself holding his breath at what she may end with.
Then she continues with this grin of determination and says, "But we do feel something, and I think it's worth exploring--despite the confusion."
He smiles at her words, revels in the fact that she has admitted to a fear of hers, just as he has told her that he's scared.
"Okay," he says with all the confidence in him.
"Okay," she breaks into a wide smile.
Then he mentions a restaurant of some sort, she throws out an day and hour that is at both of their disposals, and he grins in agreement. Lastly she reaches out to shake his hand, a gesture at which he laughs but obliges to with the best attitude of a gentleman that he is able to muster.
--
She's groggy, really sleepy, but has to open her eyes. She wriggles, and tosses on the bed onto her back, and a hand squeezes her shoulder.
"Hmm," she says, still trying to open her eyes.
"You alright," his voice hovers over her.
"Yeah," she answers groggily.
"You were tossing around for a few minutes," he tells her.
Finally, she gets her defiant eyes to open, although she has to rub them.
"I just had a really strange dream," she says in between a yawn.
"Oh yeah, what was it about?" he inches closer to her, and lays his head next to hers.
"It was about the night I invited this man up to my hotel room--"
"You mean your rebellious years?" he jokes.
"Ha, ha," she jabs him in the ribs.
"Anyway, after he turned me down, and I walked outside, the strangest thing happened--or didn't happen."
"What?"
She pauses for a few moments, and then says, "he didn't come after me, and I ended up going to LA where I wound up getting a job--and I stayed there for several years, eventually marrying this bland, blue-eyed, typical Californian guy."
"Sounds like a nightmare," he comments.
She turns her body to him completely and smiles. She brings a hand up to his cheek, then kisses him softly on the lips.
"It was," she nods.
He smiles and inches his head so they are nose to nose, and then he cocks an eyebrow.
"Good thing I came after you then, huh Mrs. Doctor Karev?
"It's Dr. Montgomery-Karev, Karev," she corrects him.
He laughs and grabs her by the waist, to flip her onto her back, brings his lips to hers, and before kissing his wife, says, "Tell it to the judge."